The 'Shroom:Issue 230/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
H-h-hello there, Fake News r-readers! Man, it's c-cold in the office, do we really need the thermostat set that l-low? Or m-m-m-maybe it has something to do with all the Ice Puffs we let in... I'll try to get through these notes q-quick and then maybe I'll go hang out with RHG and Technetium in the Spotlight Office, it looked pretty w-warm in there!
We've got a pretty packed edition here! In the spirit of our special issue, Goombuigi (talk) has written us a Weather Forecast, and ClawgripFan9001 has another guest edition of Sport Report that's very thematic (alongside more Diddy Kong-themed goodness in Shop Scout!). And in collaboration with Hooded Pitohui (talk), I've finally written a second edition of Bite-Sized Interview almost three years after the first one! I'm also happy to announce that Shoey (talk) is back from his hiatus, and in addition to providing his culinary expertise in a new installment of Fungal Forager's Field Guide, he's also given us a News Flush that continues to plumb the depths of old games you've never heard of for 'Shroom content! We're a little lighter on ghosts this month (although Boo1268's remained hard at work) as The Ghostly Dossier is taking a short break, but everything else you've come to expect from Fake News is here! Unless your expectations involve certain things we don't normally have, in which case I don't know why you expected them in the first place.
If you're interested in joining the team, we'd love to have you! Visit our sign up page to get started on an application, or if you just have an idea for a one-off, you can contact me privately about that and I'll help you get sorted.
And of course, a simultaneous congratulations and thank you to Lakituthequick for his milestone of 100 issues as Website Manager this month! I have more words about that over in the Staff Notes (shameless plug if you don't read them already), but I had to mention him here too!
Section of the Month
Huh, maybe Bar D. Jokue actually does have what it takes to make it as a travel writer after all, since The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide on the Luncheon Kingdom took first place this month! Don't have a mailing address on file for him though, so we'll just send that award to TheBlueCatMenace. Congratulations are also in order for Martendo (talk), nabbing a respectable second place with his News Flush about a controversy over Spiny Shells! And rounding out the podium we've got the second half of the Game Night arc of The Sorcery Show by Legend 8! Thanks for voting, and be sure to keep supporting our writers - don't give them the cold shoulder!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide | 12 | 28.57% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | News Flush | 9 | 21.43% | Martendo (talk) |
| 3rd | The Sorcery Show | 6 | 14.29% | Legend 8 |
Written by: MightyMario (talk)
Hello once again, television viewers and Shroom readers! It's TV Tomorrow back with regularly scheduled programming! New finds and old favorites are on the schedule this month, it's up to you to give them the ratings they so desire! (Or they'll get cancelled and there will only be reruns…) Let's see what's on TV!
Cable/Satellite
Show: Crygor's Contraptions
Network: Mushroom Kingdom Science @8:30 PM MKST
Genre: Education/Science
Eccentric engineer and microgame maker Dr. Crygor loves to create new inventions and contraptions, to often hilarious and unexpected results. The chaos stemming from the Portable Panini Provider last week brought in a lot of viewers, so there's no stopping Crygor and his creativity!
This week's episode features the Time Obliterator 5.0, which can turn back time with a click of a button! Crygor demonstrates this nifty device by "accidentally" spilling water and goes back in time to warn the past Crygor not to spill the water, which then causes that Crygor to disappear because the event that caused the present Crygor to go back in time never happens, leaving only the present Crygor stuck in the past…
What's that? This is too confusing for the viewers? Tune in to find out what happens next and hopefully gain some much needed explanation!
Movie: Rise of the Zombie Goombas (1989)
Network: Boo Network @10:00 PM MKST
Genre: Horror/Suspense
From the depths of their graves rise the Zombie Goombas! Out for plumber's brains and their tools, Mario and Luigi must protect Princess Peach and Toad from turning into Goombas themselves! The only cure is to make giant garlic meatballs that'll defeat the Goombas and send them back to the cemetery where they belong… but not if Count Koopula, the true mastermind behind the Zombie Goombas, gets in their way.
I personally thought that Wereturtle Terror was a better film, but Rise of the Zombie Goombas has its fans. Also, eat some garlic popcorn to ward off any zombies or vampires while watching the movie. It's Wario approved!
Streaming
Show: Kong of the Wild
Streaming on: Kong Channel
Genre: Adventure/Reality
Donkey Kong and his partner Pauline love to explore the layers beneath the surface. Their latest episode takes them to the frigid Freezing Layer, where they must seek out the Elder Zebra for tips on how to make a warm, cozy fire, and enjoy some really nice cold music, too! DK himself makes sure that Pauline doesn't freeze and get a Game Over by giving her a big Kong hug to keep her warm. DK's such a swell guy!
Show: Uncle amiibo's amiibo Discussion Hour
Streaming on: amiibo+
Huh? This is certainly an odd choice to highlight this month. This show is all about Uncle amiibo, the little robot from Super Mario Odyssey, discussing nothing about amiibos for an hour. If you're into amiibos, I guess this is the show for you. Topics for discussion include; amiibo types, buying amiibos, cleaning and properly storing amiibos, amiibo worship, how to center your life around the amiibos, becoming an amiibo yourself…
amiibos are great and are the sole item you should collect from here on out. This has been a message from Uncle amiibo. Buy amiibos so we can talk about amiibos on my show!
Program of the Month
Program of the Month is changing! Instead of me picking out what show or movie I thought was the best, I'm letting you, the viewer/reader, pick for me! Tell me all about your favorite show or movie that aired during the month, no matter if it's a rerun or a new release, and I'll highlight it in this section! The only rules are that the program must be fictional in nature (meaning it can't be an actual program) and that the program must relate to the Mario universe in some way. I look forward to seeing what you deem is the best program! A thread will be available for you to send submissions, and if your submission is chosen, you'll be credited and your program will be featured in the next section of TV Tomorrow!
Because of this change, there is no Program of the Month this time. That will be all for this month, I've been MightyMario and this has been TV Tomorrow!
Good evening, residents of the Mushroom Kingdom, and thank you for tuning in to the Weather Forecast channel! I'm Goombuigi, your host for this month, and I will present the predicted weather forecast for the rest of the month. This springtime period is projected to be an eventful one, due to a myriad of events. Residents are advised to take special care during this turbulent time. With that established, here is the forecast for the period of May 24th to May 31st.
| Day | Predicted Weather | Temperatures (High / Low) |
Forecast | Precipitation Chance |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sunday, May 24th |  |
30ºC / 16ºC | Cloudy with a chance of Spinies. Spiny showers may occur due to recent Lakitu migrations, which are estimated to end on this day. | 30% (barring Spiny showers) |
| Monday, May 25th |  |
26ºC / 11ºC | Heavy wind abound, with Ty-foos likely to appear. Sources report that they've been sent under Bowser’s command. | 20% |
| Tuesday, May 26th |  |
29ºC / 14ºC | Cloudy with mild Foo wind. Temperatures likely to fluctuate throughout the day. | 20% |
| Wednesday, May 27th |  |
32ºC / 18ºC | Likely to be foggy, with Smogrins expected to pollute the atmosphere. Staying inside is advised to avoid the polluted air. | 40% |
| Thursday, May 28th |  |
31ºC / 15ºC | Incoming rain is probable, with Downpour Clouds projected to supply a hearty dose of it. | 80% |
| Friday, May 29th |  |
20ºC / 4ºC | Ice Puffs are expected to contribute to abnormally cold weather. Use a Fire Flower if approached by one. | 50% |
| Saturday, May 30th |  |
33ºC / 19ºC | Expect a heavy dose of rain, with Thunder Clouds abound. It is recommended to stay inside to avoid shrinking from lightning. | 90% |
| Sunday, May 31st |  |
38ºC / 22ºC | The month is expected to end with a sunny Sunday, as the Angry Sun pays a visit to the Mushroom Kingdom. | 10% |
As you just saw, the weather is expected to be all over the place this coming week. To summarise, the week is expected to start with a hearty dose of wind, transitioning into fog, with heavy rain, thunder and icy weather following. Finally, the month is projected to end with bright sunshine. They say April showers bring May flowers, but it appears that May will have the showers this time around. Here’s hoping that June will be the month to bring the flowers!
Once more, thank you for watching Weather Forecast! Have a wonderful day, and remember to beware those Spiny showers!
Written by: Wally the Baby Rhinoceros
Konnichiwa and goedendag, readers of The ‘Shroom. My name is Wally the Baby Rhinoceros, coming at you with a new edition of The Cooking Guide on the pages of The ‘Shroom. What’s that? You were expecting ClawgripFan9001 instead? Well, yeah, so was I, and everyone else in The ‘Shroom’s Fake News offices, to be honest. But ClawgripFan9001 apparently ran off to Rogueport without telling Waluigi Time, and nothing was heard from him since then. And since Waluigi Time had previously suggested in his penultimate edition of Dear Waluigi Time that I try to get used to life in the big city after I was abandoned here by a stork, I decided to follow his advice and apply for a job at The ‘Shroom, after which Waluigi Time assigned me to Cooking Guide duties to fill in for ClawgripFan9001 until he returns. So for the time being, I’ll be taking up the chef hat and teaching you how to make delicious dishes from all around the Mushroom World and beyond. And for my first venture as a novice cooking columnist, I decided to seek out the expertise of Chef Shimi, master chef employed aboard the Excess Express, which happens to be making frequent stops at New Wikisburg Central as of late. So let’s take a look at how my visit to Chef Shimi played out, okay? Deep breath, Wally…You’ve seen ClawgripFan9001 do this a hundred times, you can do this…
Venturing into the dining car of the Excess Express, Wally noticed Chef Shimi located at his kitchen island and walked up to the Cheep Cheep chef while entirely ignoring the weird looks he was getting from the passengers located inside the dining car. “Excuse me, sir? Are you Chef Shimi? My name’s Wally, I’m the one who agreed to meet with you for The ‘Shroom’s Cooking Guide today.” The baby rhinoceros informed Chef Shimi, who turned to look towards him in response and gave the rhino tyke a smile upon doing so.
“Ah, it’s great to meet you, Wally! I have to admit, I was surprised to hear that ClawgripFan9001 wouldn’t be the one meeting with me today, but I’m welcome to meet with any columnist that The ‘Shroom happens to spend, er, I mean, send my way!” Chef Shimi greeted Wally, still struggling with speaking non-Cheep Cheep language to beings outside of his own kind after all these years, it seemed.
“Yeah, I’ve been getting that a lot since I applied for the job…” Wally admitted with a sheepish glance resting on his face before cutting straight to the chase. “Anyway, you agreed to teach me how to make Mushroom Porridge, correct?” He then inquired of the Cheep Cheep chef with a curious tilt of his head to make sure he understood where the chef was going with today’s cooking column dish.
“Yes, I did! I hope you’ve brought your notepad with you so you can write everything down for your column, because I’ll teach you everything you need to blow, ah, I mean, know to make Mushroom Porridge!” Chef Shimi confirmed Wally’s assumptions with his trademark beaming smile, happy to teach any cooking columnists who visit him the ropes of his cooking in spite of his limitations that left him unable to cook with anything but Mushrooms.
Holding up a notepad and pencil in his hooves for emphasis, Wally nodded his affirmation. “I did. I’ll just be sitting here writing everything down while you teach me how to make this.” The baby rhino informed Chef Shimi, who nodded back in agreement with that plan as he began to get to work at his kitchen island, grabbing everything he needed to make the dish. Once the chef had done so, he began to speak once more.
“Right, obviously, as far as ingredients are concerned, you only really need Mushrooms! As for appliances, all you need is a saucepan and a stove for melting and heating the Mushrooms needed for the porridge, a beater for beating the molten Mushroom liquid into the correct substance needed to make the porridge, and finally, bowls and spoons for sherving, ah, I mean, serving the porridge!” Chef Shimi explained to Wally, who nodded in understanding, letting out a baby rhino’s squeal for emphasis as he wrote the instructions down in a dutiful manner.
“Right, right. I take it that the cooking instructions are carried out in the same manner you just explained through the required ingredients and appliances?” Wally asked Chef Shimi as he looked up from his notepad while tilting his little head with a curious expression resting on his otherwise lazy face. Chef Shimi hummed affirmatively in response as he began to carry out the cooking instructions in a timely manner, with Wally once again writing them down.
“Right on the nose, my tiny friend! You put the saucepan on the stove, with the Mushrooms inside, you heat that up, let the Mushrooms melt and shimmer, er, I mean, simmer for a timespan of up to five minutes, then you grab the beater and use that to beat the molten Mushroom liquid into proper porridge thickness! Finally, pour that Mushroom Porridge goodness into bowls, tuck the spoons inside, and you’re ready to eat!” Chef Shimi tutored the baby rhinoceros as he finished preparing the Mushroom Porridge and poured a sample for Wally to taste into a bowl. Wally, in the meantime, finished writing down everything on his notepad before tucking it away and walking up to Chef Shimi, who put the bowl with Mushroom Porridge inside down in front of Wally. Wally then proceeded to take his pacifier out of his mouth and began to lap at the Mushroom Porridge with his baby rhino tongue.
Wally hummed in delight as he tasted the Mushroom Porridge, a surprised expression forming onto his lips, now that his pacifier was not in his mouth at the moment. “I gotta say, in spite of being limited to cooking with only Mushrooms, your cooking really lives up to its renownedness that my superiors at the Fake News offices of The ‘Shroom have been telling me about!” The baby rhinoceros praised Chef Shimi’s cooking, who smiled in delight upon hearing that from the young apprentice columnist in response.
“If you say so, Wally, my boy, then your words truly squeeze me, er, I mean, please me! I hope to see you again sometime soon around the Excess Express dining car, should you be in need of a little cooking by the Book of Mushrooms!” Chef Shimi happily informed Wally, who nodded in response as he continued lapping at the Mushroom Porridge set out in front of him, prompting an amused chuckle from Chef Shimi in the process.
So these are the bare necessities for making Chef Shimi’s Mushroom Porridge!
Ingredients
- Mushrooms
Appliances
- A saucepan
- A stove
- A beater
- Bowls
- Spoons
Instructions
- Put the Mushrooms inside the saucepan, place it on the stove, and heat it up to melt the Mushrooms into a liquid state for making the porridge, letting it simmer for a total of five minutes.
- Take the beater, and use it to whip the liquid Mushroom into a proper porridge substance.
- Pour the Mushroom Porridge into bowls, stick the spoons inside, and you should be ready to eat.
Now that’s a Mushroom-flavored mush that’s sure to make you feel all mushy inside, don’t you think? Ha, ha, ha! Oh, I do crack myself up! Anyway, that’s about all I got to say about my very first Cooking Guide out of many that I’ll be writing until ClawgripFan9001 returns from whatever hole he’s managed to dig himself into! Many thanks to Chef Shimi for teaching me how to make Mushroom Porridge, and many thanks to you for tuning in! This has been Wally the Rhinoceros, signing off!
Star Ratings
Written by: BigBoom1946
Hello everyone! Sorry for the gap in column releases, but I've had some....... stuff which has prevented me from making new content. Now, without any further ado, welcome back to Star Ratings, the column where we review the stars themselves. In unrelated news, I heartily congratulate Lakituthequick for making it to 100 issues of this fine newspaper. I hope that he continues to support The 'Shroom! Now, let's get into why we're here. Today we'll be covering a planet steeped in history and mystery, Beacon Beach!
History
Beacon Beach has a long and complex history, with many myths and legends like "Perfectus the Great", "Perfectus the Handsome" and "Perfectus the Truth-teller". Yet it is not he who we will be talking about today. No, today we will be discussing the story of Augie, Beacon Beach's protector.
They say that ten thousand years ago, two gods had a pair of twins. One was Perfectus, who inherited his father's strength and mother's beauty. The other was Augie, who inherited his father's chronic indigestion and mother's overeating habits. According to the legends, Perfectus went on to found many great empires and become a respected god. Augie, meanwhile, was deposed by a chicken in his first week of ruling. The leadership of King Macnugget was a harsh one, with the streets running red with blood.
The final straw for Augie's parents, however, was when Augie crashed the sun chariot into the pool at Perfectus's wedding. This caused the parents to kick Augie out of the family. Augie wandered for many years before finally discovering Beacon Beach, at which point he became the planet's Warden, enjoying seafood and lazing around for the rest of his days.
However, due to recent research, most of what I just told you is quite wrong. Thanks to recent research by archaeologist Professor Backpack, it turns out that the famous legends were actually propaganda created by Perfectus to screw over his younger brother.
In reality, Perfectus was just a bully who abused his younger brother and was later killed by a slave uprising. Augie, meanwhile, is still alive and having a good time.
Geography
Beacon Beach's climate is overall very sunny, with rain being a very rare occurrence. The planet is mostly ocean, with a few islands here and there. The main settlement is Beacon Town, an area known for its ancient ruins. The town is also known for the Lighthouse, a tall stone tower that as long as it is lit stops the planet's natural cloud barrier from forming to let in the sun.
Another nearby location is the Sunrise Temple, an area full of ancient artifacts and murals displaying ancient gods. The area is also where the "historical" records of Augie's life are located.
Conclusion
All in all, Beacon Beach has a lot of history and not a lot of anything else. Sorry for missing last month's deadline, and have a good day!
Wait, what? What do you mean that someone else took over last month's column? Who was the guy? Who's Mind Master? Oh, I should talk to Boo1268 about him? Okay then. I'll do just that. See you next month.
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow (talk)
Art provided by: TPG (talk)
Experiment Escapes Toy Land
We have a breaking report out of Toy Land as an experimental toy has escaped! According to Toy Land CEO Mr. Swirley, the experimental toy, nicknamed "Jelly Boy", was an attempt to create a putty that could be easily formed into any shape, which wouldn't dry out if left out of its container, and which would be non-toxic so as to be safe if consumed by younger Toads (rumor has it that Jelly Boy has a slight grape flavor).
In the process of developing the new putty, a change to the chemical formation accidentally brought Jelly Boy to life! The putty took on a pink, vaguely humanoid shape! Officials at Toy Land attempted to contain Jelly Boy in the sprawling factory that is Toy Land. It was thought that the factory's various sub-divisions, each designed for experimentation on toys in different environments (such as the desert, the Moon, the sky etc.) could impede Jelly Boy's escape. Those attempts all failed, however, with Jelly Boy using the form-fitting powers that were supposed to bring delight to children to evade and in some cases even fight off Toy Land employees. Jelly Boy managed to escape to the rooftop of the locked-down factory before transforming into a helicopter and flying away towards the Mushroom Kingdom! In the process of escaping, Jelly Boy also took with it another experimental toy, Helpy Block, which was said to be an attempt to make an indestructible toy block able to stand up fully to playtime with even the most rambunctious children Stills of the escape were provided to The 'Shroom by Toy Land's parent company Ocean Entertainment.
The following images of Jelly Boy's escape have been provided to The 'Shroom from Toy Land's state-of-the-art surveillance camera system, Total Protection Guardian (TPG for short). Be warned these images may be disturbing.
Potentially dangerous and with potentially little understanding of the outside world, Jelly Boy has little ability to communicate outside of the following phrases said in a high-pitched voice: "Here goes Jelly!" and "Hang on a sec!". Kingdom residents are urged to exercise caution, especially those in possession of avocados, lemons, and pears, items which the fruit-craving Jelly Boy is particularly fond of. Be on the lookout for a strange pink humanoid roaming the Mushroom Kingdom displaying the capability to transform into various forms. Ocean Entertainment has provided a list of potential forms Jelly Boy might be taking, but please note that, according to them, it is not a full list, for not even they know or understand the full transformative powers of Jelly Boy. According to their list, Jelly Boy has been seen in the following forms:
- Hot Air Balloon
- Hammer
- Pogo Stick
- Immovable Block
- Duck
- Croucho Marx
- Submarine
- Rocket
- Soda Bottle
- Bouncy Ball
- Cool Boy Jelly
- Umbrella
Please do not attempt to approach Jelly Boy if you see him! According to Toy Land CEO Mr. Swirley, when threatened in his regular form, Jelly Boy will attempt to attack by launching a fist from its stomach! If you think you see Jelly Boy, please contact your local authorities. A reward of 5,000 coins has been offered for any tip that leads to the capture of Jelly Boy!
Written by: Boo1268 Mind Master
Art by: CaptainOdyssey and Legend 8
The History…OF ME! Mind Master!
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. With ME, your NEW host Mind Master, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Surprised to see me you ignorant fools? Well you shouldn't be, this has been a LONG time coming for that fancy fool, FINALLY! My first step in my revenge for what he did to me SO LONG AGO is FINALLY coming to pass! Although, you may be curious to know what has happened to him and his colleague Specture Striker? That, my lower intellect peons, is a discussion for another time, but let's just say…he's going to be spending a LOT of time with some very good friends of his. You may have also thought this issue was just going to feature something related to Lakituthequick guy, however I've decided to TAKE OVER this issue for now. But in spite of my revenge, many of you would feel sympathetic for that fancy fool, in spite of what he did to me and the torture he put me through. So in order to sway you to my side, I shall tell you the tale of how I turned into who I am today and who I have to blame for it. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
| Mind Master | |
|---|---|
|
This intelligent and powerful being shown before you is yours truly, Mind Master's my name and becoming the smartest being in the universe is my game. How do I maintain and enhance my intelligence you may ask? Simple, with a consistent reading regime of high intellect material, such as books and scrolls, constant indulgence in many realms of science, philosophy, language, etc. and a steady diet of high intellect foods, such as salmon, blueberries and the brains of other beings. |
| Fun Fact!: I've recently received an upgrade in terms of a mechanical skeleton, to aid in not only providing more structure for my body, but to also shield parts of it as well, such as my brain stem. | |
It may come as a shock to you all, dear readers, but I was not always the magnificent brain you see today. At some point long ago, I was once a small, puny ameboid known then as Max. To many I was someone who, normally, would never amount to anything meaningful in life. Before my transformation, I had to scrounge around for cash, picking up odd jobs here and there to pay the bills, willing to do anything to get myself by, constantly renting myself out as a guinea pig to others who needed my services. However, one day, I would be granted a chance by the very gods themselves to transform into something much greater than I was once before. That chance came in the form of an imbecilic Magikoopa named Pyro. This fool was always ranting about how he did not use magic, but instead something known as "anti-logic". Pyro and his Cohorts were, from my knowledge at the time, running experiments on interdimensional portals, attempting to uncover how dangerous the EGU's portal program could really be by summoning a portal themselves using the same tech. After successfully manifesting a portal and enhancing its size with Pyro's STUPID Antilogic, they wanted to test and see what would happen if and when you traveled through it. Now mind you, this was during the time when I was offering my services to others as a guinea pig or test subject, willing to humiliate myself by being transferred around in a glass bottle for conveyance for my customers, acting as a tool to be used rather than a living being. But in any case, they picked me as their test subject, Pyro and his friend, another imbecile and my former employer Boo1268. After being ordered to jump into the portal willy nilly, I wanted to speak up, I wanted to reject this task that was given to me, but alas, I was too much of a COWARD to say no, as such I entered the portal, that in turn was the moment that changed my life forever.
| Max the Ameboid | |
|---|---|
|
My previous form, a weak singled celled coward who couldn't stand up for himself, a nobody, somebody who the world had forgotten about. I was once too weak, too powerless to do anything, believing that the people I trusted would save me, the people who I thought were once my “friends”. |
| Fun Fact!: I lost that bowler hat some time ago, I can't recall what had happened to it, but one day I'll find it again. | |
I was unconscious for sometime, but eventually, I awoke in a strange realm, a place I could only describe as a place between places, an interdimensional void if you will. It was encased in a bright blinding white, my eyes needing to adjust to the velocity of the brightness surrounding me. Many portals big and small were littered in what I could only assume was the sky. As I drifted aimlessly in this void, I found an abandoned journal and a nearby pen. Upon opening the journal, I discovered that the journal was completely empty, so to pass the time I then started to write down my experiences within this strange new world. Here are a few of my entries now:
Entry 1
Two days since stranded:
I finally found a journal to start writing in, so that way if anyone finds this they can know who I am. Hello, my name is Max, Max the Ameboid. I was originally hired by Boo1268 to test out an interdimensional portal for him and his friends, but soon I found myself stranded here, in a place I like to call THE VOID. This place, it's unlike anything I've ever seen. Portals drifting in the endless white abyss that connect to other portals. I've been drifting in this void for some time now, seemingly with no way back to where I came from since the portal I came through closed. But I'll talk about that more later, for now I need to find some more ink.
Entry 2
Five days since stranded:
It's been a few days and the others have not come looking for me, but I'm sure they're doing everything they can to come find me, right? They wouldn't just abandon me… Well, since I got some time to spare, I suppose I should talk about how I got here in the first place. Well, to make a long story short, after I leaped into the portal, I started to drift away from the portal until eventually it seemingly just closed right behind me! Now all that's left is me and the void. I don't want to venture into the portals because what if they don't find me? What if when they come looking I'm not there? I need to wait, no matter how long it takes.
Over the course of my stay in the void, I began to notice strange things happening to my body and mind. My single celled ooze was beginning to transform into pink, wrinkled flesh, I began to grow tendrils as my body adapted to the void. I evolved further and further over time, losing unnecessary elements, eventually warping into someone I would have never recognized before. I also began to notice that I was becoming smarter, being able to propel myself and manipulate objects with just my thoughts.
Entry 3
Eight days since stranded:
I've found that I have a much better memory than I did before. Maybe it's the void. If I stay in this place for a long time, it does stuff to your body. They need to come find me. I don't know how much longer I can last out here.
Entry 4
15 days since stranded:
Why…why did it have to be me? They could have done it, but NO, I was too much of a WUSS to stand up for myself! And now I'm stranded here, all alone! But they can't just forget me! They just can't! IF THEY DO I’LL (The rest of the page has been ripped out.)
Entry 5
23 days since stranded:
I've changed. This void has made me smarter, STRONGER, even better than I was before! When they come back they'll get to see the brand new me.
I can't wait to see them.What if they don't come back? What if they forgot about me? But they couldn't have, they just can't forget about me, they just can't! I'M STILL HERE GUYS I'M STILL HERE JUST COME GET ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!
| My Journal | |
|---|---|
|
A journal I had written in a LONG time ago. I soon learned after writing this that time within the void is much different than that of the normal Mushroom Kingdom realm. As such, what can appear to be minutes gone by for one, means seven years for another. |
| Fun Fact!: I attempted to anonymously submit my journal to The 'Shroom sometime ago, but they didn't think of it as good enough for their paper. How ironic since they let that fancy FOOL write whatever he wants. | |
Much time would pass, I would continue to hone my skills with the void, coming to make a home for myself within the liminal space, avoiding the scarce and far between threats that plagued the realm. Eventually, I made the decision to try and find my way back, entering and exiting portals to completely different worlds to that of my own, learning more and more about the multiverse as a whole.
Entry 6
29 days since stranded:
I decided to try and find my way back. I spent days after days entering and reentering portals just to TRY to find a way home… But nothing, I'm stuck here, so I guess I'll just wait till they find me……….
Unfortunately it was all for naught. I began to search and search and search for a way back, but could not find a way to get back home. Soon the days faded into weeks, the weeks faded into months, THE MONTHS FADED INTO YEARS! The void had provided the realization I needed, as to WHO subjected me to this endless TORMENT!
Entry 7
38 days since stranded:
Nobody came
Entry 8
61 Days since stranded:
Nobody came
Entry 9
75 days since stranded:
Nobody came
(The next page has been ripped out.)
Entry 10
89 days since stranded:
They forgot me.
I figured I would come to it eventually, but at first, I just wanted to highlight my thoughts to give me reassurance they would come back. My body has evolved just to live in this void, I've sacrificed so MUCH of my life for some IGNORANT FOOLS and...and…and…
All this time I've been waiting it's been POINTLESSTHEYFORGOTMEPOINTLESSPOINTLESSTHEYFORGOTMETHEYFORGOTMEIMUSELESS
(More pages of the journal have been ripped out.)
THEY WERE ALL TO BLAME! They never CARED about me! They never wanted to save me! They only saw me as a PAWN to be used! I sacrificed SO MUCH FOR THEM! For people who didn't even care for me, who were willing to LET ME DIE, they subjected me to this endless torment all for the sake of science, for the sake of their “theories” and "discoveries", they claimed that “friendship” was what truly mattered to them, but they lied. They never saw me as a friend, if they did they would have come after me, to see if they can save me, to risk their LIVES for me no matter the cost. After this revelation, I soon found a portal to another realm, however this one was…different than the others. I could not describe as to why, but I felt almost drawn to it, as such I stepped inside. The world was some sort of immense library, a place full of knowledge and information about various things, from scientific text books, to historical books, even books on how to hone various mental skills. Slowly but surely as I read, I felt as if I was scratching an itch inside my brain.
Entry 11
??? days since stranded:
I decided to learn a new writing style. It took a bit of work, but I'm finally getting around to using it.
Entry 12
I entered one of the portals. It led to a secret library. I decided to spend some time reading the multitude of books here. Maybe I might take one of the robes hanging around…
FINAL ENTRY:
In this library I've had some time to think, to hone my skills, my new POWERS, if you will. I have learned all I need to know, and my knowledge is even GREATER than before. The void has changed me. Now, I am born anew, and after all this time I've come to one simple conclusion. What I am, WHO I am now, is ALL Boo1268’s fault! That pompous know it all thinks he's just SO GREAT just because he has MONEY!? POWER!? STATUS!? HE RUINED MY LIFE! And it's not just HIM either! Do they all think they can forget me? Treat me like dirt under their BOOTS!? But now I HAVE THE POWER! And I'LL MAKE THEM REMEMBER ME! I’LL MAKE THEM ALL KNOW MY NAME……My name…I think I'll change it. How about Mind Master? That has a nice ring to it.
HE came through the portal, now I'll make him suffer for what he did to me. I'LL MAKE THEM ALL SUFFER! So this must be where my paper trail ends. Goodbye Max…You will be missed.
I left the realm significantly more powerful than before, wearing a robe I now wear with pride. While I never did discover who these robes were made for, they felt almost natural for me to wear. As I wrote my final journal entry it was snapped up by a portal to unknown locales, being lost for some time until I found it once more. My time in the library allowed me to discover myself, to figure out and uncover my new identity, my new purpose. What was that purpose you may ask? To DESTROY all those who had wronged me, making them suffer for ALL the pain they had put me through! While also in turn becoming the SMARTEST being in ALL the multiverse! In spite of my many failures to eliminate Boo1268 and his “friends”, I've grown to enjoy the void and all it has to offer, the peace and quiet it brings, alongside the many worlds I get to explore plus the intriguing void beings I see here. I was even able to construct a home for myself within the ruins of what was once known as Castle Bleck.
| Castle Bleck | |
|---|---|
|
The ruins of Castle Bleck now serve as my home. While some walls may be missing and the rest is sinking into nothingness, not to mention some parts of the castle are on their side, it's the only building that can provide any sort of reasonable structure in this place. |
| Fun Fact!: Since I have adapted to live within the void, I no longer need water to survive…but perhaps I could use some form of a companion… | |
Even now as I write, I'm one step closer to finally eliminating my enemies in one fell swoop, one step closer to FINALLY getting my revenge on those who have wronged me. So remember dear readers, despite whatever tragedy falls your way, there's always a way to find the silver lining to make your enemies SUFFER! Let the RAGE fuel your hearts dear readers, for when you've lost everything you once knew, it's all you have left. And so, with that, our story ends. I do hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens, in spite of the fact that Boo1268 wasn't the one to write it, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. If you have any suggestions for what that fancy fool should look into next time, make sure to check out his official forum page. He's always willing to look into your requests. So don't be afraid to give him suggestions, if he does SOMEHOW manage to escape my grasp. And with that I say: Merci, au revoir and happy 100th anniversary to Lakituthequick I suppose.
Written by: Lakilester
Hey, what’s up, y’all? Name’s Lakilester, though I prefer Michael or Spike just as easily. Since Issue 230 happens to be Lakituthequick’s 100th ‘Shroom issue as the newspaper’s Website Manager, I thought I’d do a fellow Lakitu a solid and volunteer to write a Sport Report to honor that anniversary. I ain’t nowhere as good of a sports columnist as ClawgripFan9001 is, but that won’t stop me from trying anyway. My quest for a scoop on a sports match led me to World 7 of New Super Mario Bros. on the Nintendo DS, where I found the Lakitu Loftineers in the middle of preparing for a soccer/European football match against the Parabones Paramilitaries. Prior to the start of the match, I was able to get a hold of the Lakitu Loftineers’ trainer, Lakilarry Tuneker, for an interview. When I asked about the match that was due to take place on this fine day in this fine place, the man told me that his team of highly trained Lakitu sportsmen have been looking forward to this match for months on end, since it’s the semi-final match they have to face before they can reach the championship match of the soccer/European football league that they play in, named the Puffier League. Mr. Tuneker told me that the other semi-final match that took place before the one I’ll be covering today saw the Ruff Puff Roughousers beat the Cherbil Cheekblazers in a 3-1 victory that made them the first team of the Puffier League to advance to the championship match. As such, if his Lakitu Loftineers wanna tussle it out with the Ruff Puff Roughousers in the championship match, then the Parabones Paramilitaries are the last obstacle in their way of doing so. Shouldn’t be too hard, you’d think. Well, soon as I managed to get a hold of the Parabones Paramilitaries’ trainer, Parappas Cloudgh for a pre-match interview, that thought were proven wrong quicker than a Spiny Surge attack courtesy of yours truly. See, Mr. Cloudgh asked his team of equally highly trained Parabones sportsmen to give me a demonstration of how they are at work on the field as quickly as I asked Mr. Cloudgh if the Lakitu Loftineers were about equally skilled as the Parabones Paramilitaries were. Suffering smogwaves, did those Parabones put on a heck of a show in front of me! If the Lakitu Loftineers are to beat those boney busters today, they’re gonna have to bring their A-game to the field! And with that, it was time to get this show on the road! The referee for this game is none other than Lakithunder, the commander of the Koopa Troop’s Lakitu fleet during the Mushroom Kingdom-Koopa Kingdom Conflict of 2006!
Heh, that particular conflict also happens to have its twentieth anniversary this year as well, so I happen to be commemorating two anniversaries in one Sport Report today! Go figure! Anyway, Lakithunder blows his referee’s whistle to usher in the beginning of this sky-high sports match, after which the Lakitu Loftineers initiate the kick-off, sending the ball hurdling across the cloudy fields our aerial athletes will be playing on today! The Parabones Paramilitaries are quick to intercept the ball, and try their hardest to get it over to their opponents’ goal post, and subsequently, into said goal post! But the Lakitus’ trainer apparently expected the Parabones to be playing an aggressive offensive game today, because the Lakitus show off an incredibly strong defensive game in response to that aggressive offense from their cadaverous contenders! Next thing you know, the Lakitus have regained possession of the ball, and try their best to get it into enemy territory, no matter the effort their rivaling team tries to put into preventing the Lakitus from doing so! Soon enough, the Lakitus have gotten the ball over to the Parabones’ goal post, and with one good aim paired with one good shot, our cloud-riding crew scores the first point of the match, tipping the scales in their favor at 1-0! Determined to make up for letting the Lakitus take the lead this early on in the match, the Parabones go back on their aggressive offense that Mr. Cloudgh had them demonstrate to me prior to the start of the match! But the Lakitus are equally as determined to not let themselves crumble underneath the extreme pressure that the Parabones are trying to apply to them, which goes to show what stern stuff we’re made of, even when we’re riding in clouds all day and night long! Obviously, I’m not trying to show any favoritism from a columnist’s perspective, but from a Lakitu’s perspective, I gotta give my fellow Lakitus credit where credit’s due, know what I mean? Anyhoo, in spite of their tough as nails defense, the Lakitus sadly can’t prevent the Parabones from getting back at them by shooting the ball into their goal post, tying up the score like a pair of shoelaces at 1-1! It’s still early in the first half of the match, though, so all bets are still off as to what team will be walking, or flying away, as the case may be, with the victory today!
Soon as the Lakitus’ goalkeeper has flung the ball back out onto the field, the Lakitus go back on the offense, trying their best to make up for that merciless assault on their defenses and their home base for this particular game of soccer/European football! As expected, the Parabones in return try their hardest to prevent the Lakitus from doing just that, but even with the entire playerbase of the Parabones’ team retreating into defensive mode, it ain’t enough for them to prevent the Lakitus from sending the ball packing its bags and boarding the plane that is the Parabones’ goal post! 2-1 in favor of the Lakitu Loftineers! The Parabones’ goalkeeper then reaches for the ball, then goes and spikes it right back out into the field, after which both teams start battling for control of the ball, giving it their all in an attempt to gain the upper hand on the other! Who knew that soccer/European football up in the skies above the Mushroom Kingdom could get this fierce? I certainly didn’t, that’s for sure! Knowing is growing, though, so I’ll gladly take this as a learning experience for when I get to star in a platform game of my own one day! ‘Cause from what my ol’ pal Mario told me about his past adventures prior to meeting me, the friendly, tickety-boo appearance of the lush cloudy lands like these are rather deceiving, since they’re some of the hardest lands he’s had to cross in other to save Princess Peach’s butt from the scaly claws of King Bowser! But I’m starting to get off-track there, so let’s get back to the sports match at hand!
Anyway, one of the Parabones’ team members tries to stop one of the Lakitus’ team members, but ends up committing a foul in the process, prompting Referee Lakithunder to issue a penalty shot in favor of the Lakitus, which is met with a round of exciting cheers and applause from those in the audience who came out here to support the Lakitus today! The Lakitus quickly go and plan out their strategy for successfully landing this penalty shot, then go to try and put that strategy into motion! Our airfaring tortoises send their best penalty shooter out there to get the job done, so the boy does just that, he shoots, and scores! 3-1 for the Lakitu Loftineers! The Lakitus and their fanbase celebrate the well-landed penalty, while the Parabones look on in shame at having caused their opponents to earn a penalty shot that was successfully executed! No matter though, ‘cause there’s still fifteen minutes left on the clock before the first half is over, so the Parabones still have time and room to make up for those costly mistakes! And so the match goes on!
The Parabones go on another fierce offense as they’re determined to compensate for letting the Lakitus get such a broad lead on them this early into the game, but the Lakitus’ defense is equally as fierce, as they slowly but surely begin to push the Parabones back into their own territory, forcing all of the Parabones’ players to retreat into defensive mode instead, which is when Referee Lakithunder blows his whistle to signal that the first half of the game is already over! As all players retreat into their dressing room for a well-deserved period of rest, I join all the spectators as they make their way towards the Cloudy Café, where all the game’s concessions are being sold. As I enjoy myself a refreshing can of Cloudy-Ade along with a scrumptious Cloudball Hero, I run into none other than Ludwig von Koopa, 5-Star General of the Koopa Troop himself! At first, things start off a little awkward between the two of us, since it felt kinda awkward for me to be conversing with the 5-Star General after I defected from the Koopa Troop back during the Koopa Kingdom’s plot to conquer the Mushroom Kingdom using the Star Rod that King Bowser Koopa had stolen from Star Haven, but General Ludwig assured me there were no hard feelings being harbored towards me for the decision to defect. As such, the conversation between us gradually became more relaxed as it went on.
During my interview with General Ludwig, he tells me that he came to see the European football game between the Lakitus and the Parabones today ‘cause he’s held the most graceful diplomatic relations with the cloud-based lands of the Mushroom World on behalf of the Koopa Kingdom since 2009, which does make a whole lotta sense, if you ask me. When I asked about his stance on who could potentially be going home with the win in today’s game, the 5-Star General responded that in spite of the Lakitus’ current lead on the Parabones, he still wouldn’t rule out the possibility of the Parabones making a comeback of sky-high proportions. Can’t say I fault the man for his neutral stance on the current standings of score; After all, he’s here today for diplomatic reasons and favoritism ain’t exactly helpful in situations like that. Plus, he’s right about the potential comeback the Parabones could be making in the second half; Plenty of sports teams who built up an early lead went on to blow it later on in the game, costing them the victory in some of the greatest upsets in sports history. Anyhoo, I thank General Ludwig for this mid-session interview, and he likewise thanks me for conducting it, after which we get on with our business, since the second half of the European football match between the Lakitus and the Parabones is getting underway.
The Lakitus start off the second half pretty strong, with a goal point courtesy of Harry Kloud tipping the scales of score even further in their favor at 4-1, and midfielder Jude Billowham adding to that with another nicely shot goal, making a current total of 5-1 for the Lakitus on the scoreboard. Eventually though, the Parabones finally manage to get a bit of a foot in the door with a pair of hardly-fought goal points of their own, bringing the scoreboard slightly more back into balance at 5-3. Soon enough, we’re already down to the halfway point of the second half, with all bets still being off as the Lakitus soon manage to score their sixth goal of the match, teetering things a tad more in their favor at 6-3, only for the Parabones to angle things back into balance once more with their fourth goal of the match, making for a total of 6-4 on the scoreboard as things currently stand. Soon, we’re down to the last fifteen minutes of the game, which the Lakitus gratefully make use of to score their seventh goal of the whole show, followed by the Parabones scoring two consecutive goals within only a few minutes time, thus letting the score read 7-5 in all. In the end, though, Referee Lakithunder lets off the final whistle sign! And with 7-5 still on the board for the Lakitus, that makes them the undisputed winners of today’s match! The Lakitus and their fanbase rejoice, while the Parabones and their fanbase applaud their victory in good sportsmanship!
Following the end of the match, I catch up with Mr. Cloudgh again for his post-game thoughts. He tells me that his Parabones gave it their all today, but that luck just wasn’t on their side. He still expresses his happiness for the Lakitus and the way they emerged victorious today, however, and states that he and his Parabones will simply have to try again next season, and that things will hopefully play out better for them that time. Can’t go wrong with the amazing amount of sportsmanship Mr. Cloudgh possesses, folks! Anyhoo, that’s about all there is to say ‘bout this European football game that’s taken place in World 7 of New Super Mario Bros. DS! This has been Lakilester aka Michael aka Spike, and I wanna thank y’all for tuning in to this special Sport Report in honor of Lakituthequick’s 100th ‘Shroom issue as the paper’s Website Manager! See ya!
Bite-Sized Interview
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
Jason: Ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and ghouls, welcome one and welcome all to the show that stalks the night timeslot! And now, for the man you've all been waiting for, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Count Numberman!
(applause)
Count Numberman: Thank you, thank you, vhat a vonderful audience! I have to say, something unusual happened to me just before I got here. So you know the city crews, they have been doing construction around the studio. Lots of cones, barriers, caution signs, that sort of thing. So I am coming into the studio tonight, and all of them are tipped over. All of them. Same direction. And I see this Ty-foo nearby, so I say to him, I say, 'Ty-foo, vhat are you doing up there?', and he says to me, 'I decided to air on the side of caution'.
Pionpi: (ba-dum *tsk*)
Jason: That's a rough one, Count.
Count Numberman: I'm sure someone appreciated it. Anyvay, let's get right into tonight's Bite-Sized Interview! Tonight's guest is Vheezlie S. Puff, proprietor of Lakitaract and Vheezlie's Curatives and Restoratives. Give him a hand, folks!
(applause)
Count Numberman: It's a pleasure to have you on the show, Mr. Puff.
Wheezlie: Dorohohohackough! The pleasure is mine, Count. Lakitaract, bless him, insisted we market our tinctures on the airwaves. Now of course I was convinced we had no need for a novelty when pamphlets and the papers had served reliably. Who had need of the wireless when we could gallivant and spread word of our tinctures wherever we so wished? I scarcely believed at the time that these technologies would persist!
Count Numberman: I know vhat you mean, just last veek I switched from candles to electric lightbulbs at home. But ve aren't here to talk about yours truly. I see you've brought a friend vith you, if you care to introduce him to the audience.
Wheezlie: Oh, but of course! My companion Timothy has stood at my side as a bodyguard and secretary for a Koopa's age. There are none as steadfast and loyal. I assure you of that on my honor as a Puff! Laki' would doubtlessly agree!
Now, now, Timothy. We mustn't forget ourselves simply because they receive us from their homes! Do make your acquaintance with the Count.
Timothy: ...
Count Numberman: Talkative fellow, I see.
Wheezlie: He has always been a Spiny of stoic demeanor! You will hardly know he's present! I suppose that is in their nature, stowing away in clouds and whatnot until called upon. Were they more talkative, how would it ever be that a Lakitu have the privilege of a rest in silence?
Count Numberman: Very true, I suppose! Ah, speaking of Lakitus, I understand that you are now the sole proprietor of your business. After spending so many years as half of a partnership, tell me, how has this affected your vork?
Wheezlie: Doroho, there is a new lightness about me! I feel spry as a youth once more! There is no faster method by which one can shed weight, save of course for our patented digestive aid!
...that's what ol' Laki would have wished for me to say. I say, he always had a mind for salesmanship. In truth, I find myself wanting for his company on all occasions. Acquiring ingredients, commingling components, road shows... No step is easier for his absence, and without his advertising presence, why, we've seen something of a drop-off in orders. I do not fret over it. That is simply the nature of business. One simply presses through dry spells!
Count Numberman: Ah, I see. Vell, here's hoping - I'm sure being interviewed by me vill give you a much-needed boost, ah ah ah! Now, I've been vondering. Lakitu's clouds, they are usually, vell... Lakitu's Clouds. Maybe sometimes you see a particularly adventurous Laktiu vanting to ride around in a more thundery version, but the point stands. So how does a Puff find themselves in that position, and do you have any insights on vhat this might mean for other cloud-based creatures in the kingdoms?
Wheezlie: A fine question! When I first became acquainted with Laki - now, when was that again? Before the birth of the young Prince Bowser the First, was it? Or was it his brother's birth being commemorated? Hmm... It was one of the royals, though it escapes me which. Well, no matter the royal, in those days, Laki still rode about on the standard-issue model. You may know, it was scandalous in those days for a Lakitu to be seen about town on any other cloud.
Laki and Timothy were acquainted at that point, Timothy of course stowing himself away in that ragged old cloud. For some time after we began our business, Laki retained that original cloud, but now and then in the small hours of the night, we would entertain the notion of my ferrying him about in place of his cloud.
We were not, as you might say, flush with capital at the time. We struggled even to disburse capital to ourselves with the meager profits we turned at the time! Our expenditure on cloud maintenance only grew by the month, but of course in those days new clouds were prohibitively expensive. As it were, as dawn crept upon us after a particularly contentious argument late into the night, finally I - do not think this old cloud proud for the winds he whipped in youth - I demanded Laki surrender his cloud and walk!
I tell you, we spoke not a word to one another for three dawns! After the fourth, Laki approached, and we determined we would trial a new arrangement. He hopped on and settled in, and the success we had in extending our partnership to transportation was tremendous! Otherwise respectable gentlefolk did turn us away at times, but such was our resolve that we returned after weeks to towns which endeavored to drive us out. Timothy settled in with Laki dutifully, and our savings allowed us to reinvest considerable sums into the business!
A great many Lakitu inform me they are reluctant to ride upon clouds other than those manufactured for them. They say they will freeze in an Ice Puff, or struggle to navigate when riding upon a Foo. Poppycock! We never encountered such difficulties in all of years of partnership, and our closeness opened a great many doors to us. Our kingdom would benefit from pairing Puffs and Foos and Pikkarikuns with all manners of Lakitu! Tremendous savings are to be gained, Count! Tremendous, I say!
Count Numberman: That's quite the origin story, perhaps ve vill see it in a movie someday! I must admit I'm curious about the viability of riding on a Smogrin, myself. Now then, let's stir the cauldron, as they say. I'm sure you're vell avare that vhen many think of Puffs, they still think of Bowser's Star Rod campaign vhere Huff N. Puff served as one of his generals. Vhat are your thoughts on him?
Wheezlie: Huff? I say, don't tell me that cad has enraptured you as well, Count! Undeserving of being called a Puff, if you ask me! They may shower him in medals and tout his work in Flower Fields, but what did he accomplish at his station? It was the Monty Moles responsible for the construction of that cloud-fashioning apparatus, and the Magikoopas which saw to its maintenance! Do not afford him credit for fleeing to the sky and lying low.
I would have rather mourned the withering of so productive a land as Flower Fields, so I am none too fussed for his failure, but I cannot fathom why gentlefolk hold Huff in such high regard for accomplishing nothing of note and failing in his mission. Were he an upright Puff and not a coward, he would lower himself before the two kingdoms and beg forgiveness rather than revel in undue fame!
Count Numberman: As a talk show host I am completely neutral for ratings purposes, I assure you. Makes it much easier to book guests. But it seems you are more interested in the vellbeing of Flower Fields than some might expect from, vell, a cloud. Vould you care to elaborate on that?
Wheezlie: Flower Fields has enchanted us since our first visit! Why, I am not even its greatest fan. What say you, Timothy? Do you care to tell the Count of your fondness for Flower Fields?
Timothy: ...
Wheezlie: Hm, afflicted by stage fright, are you? Very well, then! I shall elaborate. Flower Fields was always dear to Laki and me. Its plethora of greenery provided us with the bulk of our materia when we first partnered. Dorohoho! We would freely gather samples for days on end. The gentleplants thriving beneath the sun were generous souls, bequeathing us with all manner of berries and herbs. There was one variety of talkative gentleplant who offered us invaluable information on the properties of the more exotic botanicals.
I say, acquiring materia for free was a boon to our business! With the reduction in cost, we were able to freely develop our art. Many of our finest nostrums were concocted in those days! Alas, we were not to live out our days in the fields. The gentleplants began to complain of a miasma! We attempted to assuage their concerns and cure their ailments by offering tonics to them freely. I went so far as to apply a film to a water-producing gem so they could soak our curatives through their roots! Lamentably, at around that time, they grew rather irate with us and demanded we depart.
I do not doubt that some mentor of Huff had hand in our eviction. Even in those days, there were clouds which coveted fields!
Count Numberman: It looks like ve are coming to the end of this segment, but before ve go I have one more question. As a manufacturer and distributor of curative products over so many years, I assume you are no doubt acutely avare of the diseases and plagues that have descended upon the kingdoms, such as the most recent Virus outbreak some years ago. Vould you say that any of these have left an especially notable impact in your mind, and vhat could be done to prevent such a thing from happening again?
Wheezlie: Would that it were the ministers would allow experts to manage pestilence rather than stir their idle fingers through the waters, I dare say we wouldn't even be speaking of outbreaks! Take for instance that fungal consumption of the Blorbs! Ministers hem-hawing and dallying about in meetings while the kingdoms were in crisis, only able to suggest rolling the infected out of trafficked roadways, what bungled efforts!
Had it been us vendors of curatives in charge, the whole of the kingdoms would have ingested Beanish Invincishroom mixed with a touch of Sleepy Sheep sweat and Overthere Golden Apple extract! Retire the infected to their chambers after ingestion and they will be in rude health before the moon has cycled half its phases! As Laki took down in his notes, the two-week sleep and a scorching fever are signs of vigor returning to the body! Better yet for the Blorbs, all who ingested our curative dropped their weight in stones!
Count Numberman: Ah yes, I remember that was quite a stir. Thankfully ve did not experience any such thing in the Pumpkin Zone, but it vas very concerning among our officials for a time. Now then, I'm afraid that is all the time ve have for this interview. I vould like to thank you once again for being here, Mr. Puff, and I suppose you as vell, Timothy.
Wheezlie: Dorohohohohackough! A pleasure, Count! My best to you and yours! For all the health needs of you gentlefolk over the wireless, Lakitraract and Wheezlie's Curatives and Restoratives will replenish your vim and vigor!
Timothy: ...
Written by: Letter Kong
Good day to you, my dedicated pack members. This is your pack leader, Letter Kong speaking to you through the pages of The ‘Shroom’s Fake News branch yet again. With another issue of the local newspaper of New Wikisburg upon us, I’ve been searching high and low for anything related to our wonderful second banana, who could just as well be a first banana in his own right; Diddy Kong. And that eventually led me to stumble upon a store centered around little Diddy situated on a cul-de-sac named Evergreen Terrace within World 4 of New Super Mario Bros. DS; Chimps Ahoy! The exclamation mark is part of the establishment title, so do be aware of that when punctuating it for yourselves. Anyhow, let’s take a look at what the place has on offer in terms of purchasable goods, shall we?
| Item | Description |
|---|---|
 Peanut Popgun |
"Standard sidearm of the Prince of the Jungle since 1999. Weapon permit necessary for purchase." |
 Rocketbarrel Pack |
"Our sweet Prince's standard gear since 1999. When combined with the Peanut Popguns, it makes for a deadly aerial assassin's vessel." |
 Diddy Mobile |
"You wanna ride around in the style of Diddy Kong? Then this should be right up your alley for a daily driver." |
 Diddy Hovercraft |
"Looking for something more all-terrain? This hovercraft oughta do the job." |
 Diddy Cruiser |
"Wanna become a real flying ace? Then this plane is a must-have." |
So yes, Chimps Ahoy! is the perfect purchase-oriented palace for sprucing up your day-to-day life with a touch of Diddy Kong Power, my dear pack members. As such, I highly recommend paying the place a visit next time you happen to come through World 4 of New Super Mario Bros. DS. It’d mean having to take a detour towards Evergreen Terrace, but it’s more than worth it if it means you get to crack open your wallet to pay for the lifestyle of Diddy Kong. Sadly, this is about all the time I have got for today’s entry of our Diddy Kong Redemption movement, but I do hope to see you all again next month, as we bring the first half of our Diddy Kong Redemption movement to a close and make ourselves up for the second half. Until then, I highly advise you to Keep Kong and Karry Kong.
The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Cloudtop Cruise: Will Leave You Cloudtop Bruised
I hate responsibilities. Oh, didn't see you there…It's me, Bar D. Jokue, the guy who is now legally the world's best travel guide writer. I proved it in court! It's a long story and we don't have time for it. Anyway, since I usurped Cosmo as supreme travel guide writer of The Sunshine Travel Agency, I've been handed some responsibilities that I really don't think relate to travel guide writing at all, but no one else is gonna do them so I have to.
So, one of these dreaded tasks is to handle all the tours and cruises that The Sunshine Travel Agency offered before it was rebranded into The Bar D. Jokue + Guy Epic Awesome Travel Place Thing. However, I don't wanna. Sure, this may be where, like, all the profit comes from, but there are plenty of thriving non-profit organisations so profit can't be that important. So, my genius plan is to market the cruises as really terrible so I can stop offering them, starting here. On with the travel guide!
Basic Information
The Cloudtop Cruise has been one of The Sunshine Travel Agency's most successful offerings for over a decade now. A whole lot of its popularity came from the Eighth Mario Kart Tournament or The Deluxe Mario Kart Tournament or whatever it was called, as races were held in a specific area of the cruise's path allowing lucky vacationers to watch them live. I think this is stupid, as people often drive their cars straight through my house but that doesn't mean hundreds of racing fans pay me just to visit!
The cruise follows a path through the clouds above both the Mushroom Kingdom and Bowser's Kingdom, allowing people to take in the sights of the sky. You know, if I wanted to enjoy the sky, I could just look up! These people sure are dumb. The cruise stops at a few points, including Rainbow Ride, Mario's Rainbow Castle, Nimbus Land, and occasionally the Cloud Kingdom (though it costs extra to visit since it's so far away). Okay, now to flow badly into something unrelated!
Dangers
Who knew the sky was so dangerous? Me, since I know everything. Anyway, across the voyage you'll have to deal with: aggressive airships, storms, high winds, a slight lack of oxygen, huge beanstalks, huge blocks the aforementioned beanstalks grow from, very dumb cloud people, Lakitus and other sky enemies, flying carpets, solid rainbows, lots of coins, Ztars, and chance time.
What else can I say? Oh yeah, I guess falling off the ship would probably end badly…
Stops
Yep, I didn't mention the cruise's stops earlier for no reason. I'm gonna steal one of Cosmo's dumb ideas and make a list.
Rainbow Ride
This physical manifestation of abstract art is where you will board your airship and begin the cruise. There are some cool things, like flying carpets, and not cool things (literally) like flamethrowers. Overall, this place is super weird. No one lives here or anything. Just…empty. Yeah, deep.
Mario's Rainbow Castle
So, Mario's Rainbow Castle is WOAH WHAT THE HECK IS THAT IS THAT AN ALARM OH SWEET MOMMA SOMEONE SHUT THAT OFF GUY GET OVER HERE WHICH BUTTON TURNS OFF THE ALARM OH NO IS IT SAYING SELF DESTRUCT GUY HURRY UP oh thank you. Okay, apparently that was an alarm Cosmo installed in the building that goes off whenever someone covers a location he's covered before. It blows up the building after thirty seconds. Good thing Guy shut it down. I'm sure it will never come up again. Never ever…
Nimbus Land
A land of cloud dudes who keep thinking their prince is a dodo, despite the fact that dodos are, contrary to popular belief, not cloud dudes. They say it happened only once, years ago, but I feel like I read about it only three years ago. Weird…Anyway, the castle is open to the public, which makes it easy to pillage. I mean peruse for valuables. I mean rob. I mean visit. Yeah. Visit.
Cloud Kingdom
So. Incredibly. Indubitably. Inevitably. BORING!!! Yeah, three exclamation marks. Count 'em! Yeah, so this picturesque and peaceful haven floating amidst a breathtaking sea of clouds has nothing to do. Like, you can explore a floating cube, or play picture match, or I guess enjoy a moment of peace in a world that never seems to slow down, surrounded by the ethereal beauty of the sky, but all that is dumb. NEXT!
Electric Expressway
Bet you've never heard of this one. That's because I just made it up it's relatively obscure. It was used in the karting tournaments, but was never addressed by name. Essentially it's a twisted, floating piece of metal in the middle of a thunderstorm. What? Why? The mysteries surrounding this location are as innumerable as the people who don't care.
Beanstalk Boulevard
Just like the last location, I made this place up this spot was used in the karting tournaments but was never officially recognised. It's an ancient beanstalk that sprouted from an ancienter ? block. The relation of this block to the great ? block ruins has been debated fiercely by exactly three historians. Though now that I think of it, it is kinda weird we have two different instances of ancient ? mark blocks popping up in the sky that are both huge and used in racing tournaments…
Coin Heaven
In the Mushroom Kingdom, there are many tales of paths leading to the mysterious coin heaven, the place coins go after they are collected. Then where do they go after they are collected in coin heaven? Coin he-you know what I'm just gonna stop right there.
Reviews
"This cruise sucks. Buy The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide instead. 0/10" - ProbablynotBarDJokue
"I second the other guy. 0/10" - ImprobablynotBarDJokue
"It is very difficult to type as a potted plant. Now, I could call for help, or I could shame Bar D. Jokue for reusing nearly the exact same reviews as last time. Decisions, decisions…0/10" - Certainsomeone
Conclusion
Guy here again. Bar D. Jokue hates writing the conclusions, so I'm back at it. I do have an announcement to make though! Earlier today, I was flipping through one of the ancient texts Cosmo kept in the magazine racks, and found a prophecy that says: On this day, today, whatever day it is, Guyeneus Theseus Shyeneus Guyeus shall put out a request to all readers asking for humorous in-character feedback on The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide that shall be featured in the coming issues and responded to by Barnabus D. Jokue in an equally humorous fashion.
The brave souls who answer this call may send their submissions to TheBlueCatMenace through whatever means necessary, whether that be through a private message on The Boards Of Mario, Discord or messenger pigeon. In addition, the great and mighty but actually quite mediocre Author has spoken to us, decreeing that if this endeavour is successful, they shall consider opening an advice column for Barnabus D. Jokue. That's all. You can stop scribing now. Hey! I said stop! STOP SCRIBI
Huh. Oddly specific. Welp, see you all next month, hopefully with some scathing responses to feedback ready (but let's be honest, who's actually gonna respond). See you later!
Fungal Forager's Field Guide
Written by: Patisserie Shoey (talk) and W.P. Hoodington (talk)
The following modified transcript is provided to The 'Shroom by MKBC. In this month's episode, the Fungal Forager's Field Guide's crew meet with the Cave People of Dinosaur Land to learn more about the misunderstood Chickadactyl.
Species: Chickadactyl
Documented Range: Dinosaur Land (domesticated)
Family: Prehistoric Phasianidae
Naturalist's Note: The Chickadactyl's head is adorned by a vibrant yellow crest. Unlike a chicken's fleshy comb, the Chickadactyl's crest is made of feathers!
Unfortunately, rather than being heralded as a point of commonality, the much-maligned Chickadactyl has been made the subject of many unflattering rumors in the Mushroom Kingdom. Historically, residents of the Mushroom Kingdom have decried Chickadactyls as aggressive, solitary, and (due to a particular incident on which I am certain Patisserie Shoey will elaborate) disease-ridden. Nothing could be further from the truth! While it is true that, with their spiked tails and large beaks, a mishandled and startled Chickadactyl can cause injury, Chickadactyls are docile and highly social animals. They are harmless when treated with care and respect. Most incidents have occurred when careless tourists, assuming the animal can be handled in the exact same manner as a chicken, attempt to lift a Chickadactyl from behind. Given the considerable weight of Chickadactyls and their forward-facing eyes (which narrow their field of vision), this most often results in a tourist quickly dropping the Chickadactyl, which, believing itself to be under attack, whips its tail about in hopes of hitting its unseen assailant. The proper way to move a Chickadactyl, as the Cave People will show anyone who wishes to handle these Dino-Birds, is to have a two-person team lift a sturdy log. They need only present the log to the Chickadactyl, and it will climb on to the offered perch, contentedly allowing itself to be relocated.
Any amount of observation will disprove the claims that Chickadactyls are solitary animals. While using terms such as "friendships" and "quarrels" runs the risk of anthropomorphizing, it is undeniable that Chickadactyls form close associations with one another. Within those associations, they will spend considerably more time with certain individuals than with others, suggesting variable bonds between members of the group. Chickadactyls are so sociable, in fact, that they will readily accept other species into their flocks! On more than one occasion, poultrymen have reported finding wild Yoshis and juvenile Rexes mingling with their Chickadactyl flocks. Chickadactyls are known to form these complex social networks even in the wild, and it's thought that their propensity to social living is what allowed them to be semi-domesticated by the Cave People. Chickadactyls seem to recognize Cave People as members of their flocks - and dominant members, at that. Their Cave People caretakers are viewed as the highest-ranking members of the group hierarchy (or "pecking order", if you will), with the Chickadactyls allowing for harvest of their eggs in exchange for the protection and food provided by their caretakers.
This should all sound familiar to any who have raised chickens back home. Yes, behaviorally, Chickadactyls quite closely resemble other domesticated fowl. There do, however, exist interesting morphological differences. Most notably, Chickadactyls lack the feathering of chickens and instead have a covering of scales. This, combined with their larger bodies and smaller wing-to-weight ratio, prevents Chickadactyls from flying even the shortest of distances. Chickadactyl husbandry requires vigilance, as it is all too easy for a roving Dino Rhino to snatch a member of the flock. The energy that is saved in foregoing feathers seems to be invested primarily in girth. Perhaps size serves as a deterrence to some predators. At the very least, this extra girth benefits the Cave People, with Chickadactyl eggs offering much heartier and more filling meals than chicken eggs. I shall let Patisserie Shoey speak more to culinary matters, however.
Chickadactyls are emblems of Dinosaur Land, celebrated by the Cave People for both the bountiful calories and companionship they provide. Outside of the archipelago, their negative reputation has for decades made the public wary of these lovely Dino-Birds. In recent years, however, there has been progress in spreading the truth about these birds. As travel to Dinosaur Land has ticked up and tourists have taken the time to learn proper handling of Chickadactyls directly from their caretakers, returning Mushroom Kingdom residents have made efforts to change the dialogue surrounding Chickadactyls. Perhaps in our lifetimes, those outside of Dinosaur Land will come to properly appreciate these birds, and the manner by which they connect peoples the world over!
Delicacy Status: Dino-Bird
Weight: 8 lbs (Chickadactyl); 6 oz (egg)
Flavor Profile: crunchy chicken (Chickadactyl); hearty (egg)
Chef's Tip: Add a dash of Honey Syrup to a Chickadactyl sandwich to offset the dryness and get a sweet crunch!
But hopefully that will change after this column and people will realize that Chickadactyls are perfectly normal animals and that their meat won't cause any ill effects except maybe high cholesterol! The Chickadactyl, both in taste and appearance, is similar to a regular chicken. The big difference is that, instead of having a large amount of feathers, Chickadactyls primarily have scales outside of their wings and crests. Because of this, sadly it's not possible to roast a Chickadactyl whole to produce a succulent rotisserie chicken. Attempting to roast a Chickadactyl whole will simply cause the scales themselves to harden around the meat of a Chickadactyl, meaning that it will either cause the meat to dramatically undercook from the heat resistance of the scales or, if you attempt to compensate for that, the meat will overcook and become dreadfully rubbery.
Instead of roasting, we're going to look to pan bake Chickadactyl breast and thighs. The cool thing about the Chickadactyl is that its meat is naturally crunchy, so there's no need to bread the chicken unless you want an extra degree of crunch. Season a descaled breast with simple salt and pepper and maybe just a little bit of butter. Add a pinch of lemon. Wrap the Chickadactyl thighs or breasts in foil (unfortunately, Chickadactyl meat tends to be drier than chicken meat, so it's important to keep as much moisture as possible), then place them in a baking pan and bake at 425°F for 15 minutes. Doing so, you'll have nice and healthy baked Chickadactyl breast that will both taste the same and have the same consistency as fried chicken without you having to use all those unhealthy oils or fatty batters! Another plus is that Chickadactyl wings are decently larger than regular chicken wings while having a similar-but-slightly-different taste. They can be prepared the same way as a standard chicken wing for a heartier, more filling snack!
So we have our dinner or lunch, but what about breakfast? Don't worry! The Chickadactyl egg has got us covered! Closer to an ostrich egg than a chicken egg, the Chickadactyl egg is much tougher than a regular chicken egg. Because of this, Chickadactyl eggs make for poor scrambled eggs or omelets, being harder to form due to the stiffness of the egg itself. You're just more likely to burn the egg before you manage to form it. But to compensate, the yolk of the egg itself is much tougher, making it so much easier to flip them without breaking the yolk and thus making them the perfect egg for a nice over-easy egg! Now, let's say you want to make hardboiled eggs. Well, Chickadactyl eggs have thicker shells, so they need to be boiled longer than a regular egg. I'd say you'll need roughly 25-30 minutes as opposed to the 12-15 minutes for a regular egg. Unlike a regular egg, Chickadactyl eggs need to be boiled on high the entire time you're boiling them, so make sure you use less water to avoid boiling over. On the backside, unlike a chicken egg, Chickadactyl eggs don't have that sticky, thin membrane, instead having a thicker shell. So after a cooling-off period to let the egg fully solidify, Chickadactyl eggs can be easily peeled for a hearty snack and breakfast!
The Chickadactyl, while costly due to having to be imported due to the lack of local market, is a perfectly fine substitute for chicken. It offers a similar taste that tends to be a little on the dry side, but for the health-conscious eater who loves fried chicken but doesn't like the fatty consequences that comes from the frying process, Chickadactyl is the perfect choice!
Written by: Legend 8 and Boo1268
The Sorcery Show
Episode 29: Return To Multiversal Madness - Part One
It is a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and the warm spring sun is beaming down upon the ominous, twisted castle on the outskirts of New Wikisburg. Down below, three figures are sitting at a table in the castle garden, playing a game: a Magikoopa in a black robe, decorated with golden 8 symbols; a Dry Bones skull wreathed in flame; and a glitched-out floating silhouette. It is, of course, our three heroes Pyrokles, Kroop and the Explainer.
Pyro: Okay, so. Does a… twenty-seven hit?
You know damn well it does. I guess that’s it for this Goomba then... Kroop, your turn!
Kroop: How can Pyro’s character be so immensely overpowered?? I mean, he always picks the most random abilities and he’s still way stronger than Kroopus the Destroyer!
Pyro: Once again, proof that chaos is power! Now stop whining and destroyer that last Goomba so we can finally loot the place.
Kroop: Fine. Then could you hand me the dice?
There is a short pause of realization while Pyro tries very hard not to laugh.
Kroop: Oh. Riiight. I don’t have arms anymore, damn it…
Don’t worry, I can roll for y-
The Explainer interrupts himself, staring up at the sky with a very confused expression.
Kroop: Huh? What’s up?
I just got hit by a raindrop. But, uh, this is really weird…
Pyro: Why? What’s so weird about a little rain? You know, there was this dimension I once visited where it would rain literal cats and dogs, now THAT was weird. But this is barely a drizzle!
Let me explain. It’s just… it’s really not supposed to rain today. My weather prophecy database is usually 110% accurate…
As they talk, more and more rain suddenly begins to fall. The clouds darken and thunder crashes, illuminating the sky with purple lightning.
Kroop: Aww, I hate rain - and it’s getting even worse! We should probably carry all our stuff inside quickly.
But… huh?! I am now officially confused. How did that thunderstorm appear so suddenly?
Pyro: Who knows? But it doesn’t matter, because, do you know what this smells like?
What it smells like? I don’t really smell anything!
All of a sudden, a purple bolt of lightning strikes right next to the Explainer.
Pyro: Well I was originally going to say “like a new adventure!”, but now I kinda think “a little burnt” fits better.
Kroop: What the heck! Pyro, was that you??
Pyro: No! I mean, it REALLY wasn’t me this time, I swear!
What kind of crazy anomaly is this??
As more and more lightning strikes the castle grounds, Pyro hastily stuffs their game utensils, including the table and chairs, into his hat. Then, they run for cover.
Kroop: Quick! To the castle! I really don’t want to get hit by one of those.
Pyro: Yeah, your cartoony electrocution animation would be like, suuuper boring, cause you’re already a skeleton…
They dash through the storm, barely dodging the lightning multiple times, until they approach the castle gate.
Almost there! Oh man, all that unexplained mystery is giving me a headache!
Pyro: Don’t worry, I’m sure it will all be resolved in due time! This is probably just a dramatic intro or something.
Right then, a huge, crackling bolt streaks down from above and strikes at the castle’s entrance directly in front of them, splitting space to reveal a fissure of swirling black and purple - some kind of portal, it seems…
Pyro: See? Told ya!
After a few moments the portal begins to change, it starts to twist and contort, eventually forming what looks like…hands?
What the heck is happening? Not even the portal is behaving normally!
Kroop: Why does it always have to be us dealing with stuff like this?
As the portal continues to form it begins to manifest what looks like eyes, then a mouth with teeth, before becoming fully corporeal.
???: AH! Finally made it, now is this the right place I’ve been looking fo-
The strange living portal stops for a moment while looking at his surroundings, staring blankly at Pyro and Kroop with a look of shock and awe.
???: N-No…c-can it be? Is it really? YES! It is! It really IS you!
Kroop: Oh great, the mysterious antagonist-looking portal thing was specifically searching for us…
Pyro: Shush! I don’t know who or what you are, but it’s an honor to meet you!
???: On the contrary, Mr. Pyro! It's an HONOR to meet YOU!
Wait, Pyro has actual fans? Not mind-controlled or anything?
???: FINALLY, after all these months of searching, I've FINALLY found the legendary Pyro, master of Antilogic! Oh, and YOU must be the famous Kroop!
Kroop: What, I’m famous? Hell yeah! I’m starting to like this guy.
Pyro: Oh, it’s always so nice to meet people who appreciate my talent! Anyways, who are you and what brings you here?
Mr. Warp: Ah yes, where are my manners? *Ahem* Greetings my friends, my name is Mr. Warp Z. Owner, CEO and founder of Warp Corp, but you may call me Mr. Warp.
The mysterious portal stretches his hands out for a handshake, which Pyro accepts.
Pyro: Nice to make your acquaintance, Mister Warp. Well, it seems like you already know us all, right? Are you a regular ‘Shroom reader?
Mr. Warp: Unfortunately, I do not have this "‘Shroom" where I come from. You see Mr. Pyro, I come from an alternate dimension to that of your own, in which I was able to spearhead the founding and research of portal technology!
Kroop: So were you always a portal or are you some kind of mutated superhero?
Pyro: Kroop, don’t be rude! I would love to hear more about that company of yours, Mr. Warp - what if we went inside and had some tea?
Mr. Warp: That would be lovely! Also to answer your question Mr. Kroop, I have always been a living portal, this in turn made it fairly easy to understand and innovate portal tech, since, well…I am one.
Pyro: Then let’s go inside first, and then you’ll tell me all about why you’re suddenly here! Normally, people only come to us when the world needs saving or something.
Sometimes it’s also just castle taxes.
Pyro: Yeah, that too.
Should I explain? I mean, after all he probably didn’t read that episode so-
Pyro ignores the Explainer and opens the large stone entrance to his castle.
Pyro: There we are: my humble castle!
Mr. Warp: How impressive! It's about half the size of my corporation!
Kroop: It used to be even bigger before Pyro decided to yeet it into space…
Okay, if you aren’t letting me explain then at least let me show the way to Pyro’s office. Follow me!
After a bit of walking around the castle, occasionally stopping to look at a few things of interest, Pyro, Kroop, the Explainer & Mr. Warp all sit at a table with some tea in hand.
Mr. Warp: Now where was I?....OH YES! As I was saying before, thanks in part to my very existence as a living portal, I was able to enhance portal technology to its highest extreme, eventually, being able to safely manufacture and master the art of portal tech, and distribute it to the masses for public use!
So you live in a realm where teleportation is normal? That must be chaotic!
Mr. Warp: On the contrary, Mr. Explainer sir! With my company's help, we've been able to further enhance civilization as we know it, by, for example, cutting down travel time! Transportation of construction items for buildings is made a lot easier! And international trading of goods skyrocketed because of our company's work! Plus we keep it fairly organised.
Kroop: I don’t see why that would be a problem either, after all, we do have a lot of warp pipes here in the Mushroom Kingdom too!
Right, of course. It’s just… whenever Pyro does something to do with portals, things go absolutely crazy - and that’s the best possible outcome. So kinda a negative connotation there… But it does sound very useful indeed!
Mr. Warp: It has been very helpful, and in turn, our company has significantly BOOSTED the economy of our realm! However, I felt as if our company's work wasn't done yet, and I therefore wished to find a way to improve people's lives even further with our products.
Pyro: Aaaand that’s where I come in, as a MASTER of interdimensional teleportation and the like, right?
Didn’t we just go over this?
Mr. Warp: A-Ah, n-no Pyro my friend, that is NOT what I was going to say. I was GOING to say that, after much research and theorizing, me and my team discovered one branch of magic that could SIGNIFICANTLY prove to be useful to our cause, that essence being…Antilogic.
Pyro: I see - once again, the mortal realms are in need of my legendary powers! When do we start?
Kroop: Did you just ignore the fact that he called your powers a sub-branch of magic?
Mr. Warp: Unfortunately, Mr. Pyro and Mr. Kroop, despite my researchers’ efforts in being able to harness, control and utilize Antilogic for our products, the lab boys have been unable to classify this strange power as anything else but magic, since its extremely chaotic nature and origin cannot be categorised properly.
Pyro: All the more reason for me to right the wrongs and fend off the forces of darkness threatening your reality!
Pyro, I don’t think he wants you to fight anything…
Mr. Warp: A-Ah, correct once more Mr. Explainer. You see, Mr. Pyro, despite my research teams’ efforts to understand the properties of Antilogic, I need your help in truly uncovering its deepest secrets, so that we may be better at being able to control it more easily.
Pyro: Oh, well, that’s okay too I guess. Always happy to use my powers for the greater good!
Kroop: Never witnessed that before…
And what exactly does that require? Do we have to come with you to your dimension? And, uh, are you REALLY sure you want to have Pyro there?
Kroop: Are WE really sure we want to trust him?
Another good point. How do we know you’re not just going to try to electrocute us again?
Mr. Warp: Again? What do you mean?
Let me explain! Your arrival here caused a huge thunderstorm… We had to flee before we would get struck by purple lightning!
Mr. Warp: Ah, my apologies, that tends to happen due to temporal displacement when I enter a new dimension. When the portal you open is within your dimension, the temporal displacement evens out, but when entering other realms, it tends to cause friction, similar to how if you rub your feet on the carpet when wearing socks. Alas, I did try to prevent this from happening, but it's out of my hands…
Pyro: No need to apologize! That was a beautiful dramatic entrance, I myself couldn’t have done it any better.
Kroop: That doesn’t justify almost getting lightning-fried!
Pyro: Of course it does! Some sacrifices just gotta be made. Good job, Warp, and we’d love to come with you and aid your research.
Mr. Warp: Thank you, Mr. Pyro! It is TRULY a pleasure to be working with you! Now hop on in!
Kroop: What, where? Do you mean, like, inside you??
Shifting and warping his body as his face and arms retract, Warp’s body enlarges, becoming a larger purple portal.
But wait, this doesn’t make any sense. If we’re traveling through you, then what are you traveling by?
Pyro: Best not to think about it. In we go!
Grabbing onto Kroop and the Explainer with his mind, Pyro jumps into Warp’s gaping portal form without hesitation, and pulls them in after him.
Traveling through Warp, our heroes reappear on the other side in a flash of light, finding themselves in a slick, sleek factory with white walls, tons of machinery, some fork lifts and tables and experiments aplenty.
Pyro: Ooh, fancy! Definitely among the most advanced dimensions I’ve visited!
Reforming back to normal, Mr. Warp introduces the crew to his company.
Mr. Warp: Welcome, my friends, to WARP CORP! The largest technological company in my world!
Yes, it does look pretty large indeed! Also surprisingly non-cursed compared to what we’re used to from other dimensions.
Kroop: So where do you make the portals? Let’s get this over with quickly.
Mr. Warp: Mr. Kroop, we aren't going to be making portals! We're going to be making something FAR greater with Mr. Pyro’s help! Come, let me show you one of the things we've been working on!
Kroop: No portals? Then what are you planning to use Pyro’s reality-bending highly volatile forces for instead? That always results in chaos!
Mr. Warp: Well, yes… But chaos is power, and if one can simply use that power a certain way, it can be VERY useful!
Pyro: Wait, didn’t I say that exact thing earlier? Chaos is power? Wow! I feel like this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship…
Mr. Warp: Ha Ha Ha! If that's the case Mr. Pyro, then you should know, my friends call me Z.
Following Mr. Warp, Pyro and crew see Warp greeted with ‘Hi’s, ‘Hello’s and ‘Hey Mr. Warp!’s all around the factory, while passing many unusual devices: one that makes things big or small, one that turns magma into lemonade and one that's just a stretchy goo - the first two of them fueled by antilogic.
Pyro: Oh, I truly enjoy your creativity - I myself like to invent antilogic-powered machines every now and then. Well, with much less commercial success, though. We could surely collaborate someday!
Mr. Warp: How interesting! We have been working on a few unique projects using this power, such as this: I call it the Every-Comb! A comb that transforms into any comb you need! Need a hair brush? A horse brush? A tooth brush? You can have it!
Kroop: Does it transform into honeycomb too?
Mr. Warp: Need you ask?
Kroop: Well why isn’t it just called the Every-Brush then?
Mr. Warp: Marketing needed a catchy title: "The Every-Comb is for Every-One!"
And would you care to explain what that goo is supposed to be?
Mr. Warp: That my good sir, is one of our original inventions. It's called Gloop! A super goo that acts like glue!
Pyro: Two questions. How strong is the Gloop’s stickiness, and thus its prank potential? And is it summonable via antilogical spells?
Kroop: Oh come on!
Mr. Warp: Firstly, I am unsure if you could summon it or not. And secondly, depending on the amount of flour we mix with it, it can be strong as tar, or as sticky as normal glue.
Pyro: Interesting… Anyways, where do we need to go for your special project?
Mr. Warp: Well we-
???: Mr. WARP! Mr. WARP!
Suddenly, running towards him while carrying a large stack of papers, is a purple haired girl wearing a white suit, with blue eyes, glasses, a white visor like device and two floating arms not connected to her body.
Mr. Warp: Yes? What is it, Susie?
Susie: The Menders and security bots, sir! There's been a glitch in the system and they’re causing mischief! Again!
Mr. Warp: Did you manage to cut them off from the rest of the server?
Susie: Yes Mr. Warp sir, they won’t infect the other bots.
Kroop: Stuff like that happens regularly? Isn’t that pretty dangerous for such a big company?
Susie: Ummm sir, who are these guys?
Kroop: Hey, didn’t you say I’m famous?
Mr. Warp: A-Ah Susie, THIS is the famous Pyro, Kroop and the Explainer I told you about!
Susie: O-Oh……I-I’m sorry, I thought you guys would be bigger.
Pyro: That’s no problem that can’t be dealt with!
Channeling his powers while Kroop groans in annoyance, Pyro enlarges himself and then strikes a battle pose, summoning fireballs around him.
Pyro: There, that’s more like it, isn’t it?
Susie: Now you really look the part! B-But, can you please turn off the fireballs? You might set off the sprinklers.
Pyro: Oh, yeah. Of course. Everyone knows how deadly sprinklers can be after what they did to Brock’s Onix!
Pyro waves his arms and the fireballs disappear.
Mr. Warp: Anyways, allow me to introduce you: Pyro, Kroop, Explainer, this is my secretary/assistant, Susie.
Susie: Pleased to meet you - but, Mr. Warp, I’m afraid we need to decommission those bots right away! As soon as possible!
Pyro: Oooh can I do that please?
Kroop and the Explainer: No!!
Mr. Warp: Well…that wouldn't be the WORST idea, sure go ahead!
Kroop: Uh, but it IS, in fact, the worst idea?
Susie: No, it’s PERFECT! Just knock the Menders around a bit, but decommission the security turrets and drones, they're in sectors A1, B3, and D4, thanks!
Just like that, Susie runs off to finish another set of tasks. With a huge grin on his face, Pyro re-summons the fireballs.
So suddenly fireballs ARE okay after all?
Susie: (in the distance) But NO fireballs!
Pyro: Aww, how could she have possibly known what I was planning?
Okay, so we need to go to sectors A1, B3 and D4? I can explain how to get there!
They make their way towards the sectors Susie mentioned, while Mr. Warp gives them an overview of the bots’ abilities.
Mr. Warp: We designed the Menders to help out in a multitude of tasks around the place, and even use them for our experiments on occasion, making them durable to almost anything thrown at them. The drones are airborne and fire off numbing darts that can paralyse you in place, and the turrets are stationary, however they fire more dangerous projectiles and can see you from a farther distance.
Kroop: Okay, then what's the optimal strategy… Wait, do they all rely on visual data? We could try invisibility to sneak up and hit them hard!
Mr. Warp: That COULD work…although you do need to be careful about the drones, they have heat vision too, but they would need to be pretty close to see you like that.
Kroop: Okay, then we just have to stick to the plan strictly and be careful. Pyro, do you think you can- wait where..?
Did he go invisible already or is he just doing his own planless chaos stuff again?
Kroop: Doesn't matter, we gotta find him before he gets himself stunned and exploded!
Meanwhile in sector B3, Pyro, staff in hand, walks up to one of the corrupted Menders, who is currently babbling gibberish.
Mender: THE COMMAND Syntax.error WAS NOT FOUND IN THE CURRENT CONTEXT. PLEASE INSTALL NECESSARY FILES AND RESTART YOUR MACHINE.
Pyro: Huh. Well I'm not a tech expert but maybe you should try Syntax.FIREBALL!!!
The Mender gets hit with the fireball, freaking out for a moment at first, before then turning around to meet Pyro.
Mender: SUBJECT FOUND: USER Py%*- ERROR. DATA IS CORRUPTED. RESET REQUIRED. REPEAT, RESETTING REQUIRED.
Pyro: That's not really my name though? But oh well, I'll do you the favor.
As the Mender glitches out, it extends its claw arms to attack Pyro, snapping at him as two drones enter the fray. Quickly, the Magikoopa dodges its attacks while preparing some more fireballs to launch.
Pyro: He gets backup? That's not fair, I left my own team behind! They weren’t gonna be much of a help either way, but that's still not an even battle! And it's not like I'm a being with supernatural powers is it?
Mender: IT APPEARS YOUR COHORTS HAVE. Abandoned you for the slime. AT 5.99!
As the drones swoop in, they begin firing the numbing darts at Pyro, hoping to take down the threat, and a few of them manage to get past his defenses.
Pyro: Ow! Hey, that's not nice, I didn't even properly introduce to you yet! Eat fireball!
Pyro blasts one drone apart and barely misses the other, but as he continues fighting, his movements start to slow, the destroyed drone's darts fulfilling their purpose. However, at that moment, his friends appear in the corridor.
Mender: YOU'VE. Lost Control Of Your Life.
Pyro: Whut? Can you maybe say that again, I wasn't listening - I’m becoming super tired all of a sudden…
Kroop: There you are Pyro! What were you thinking??
So this must be one of those Mend- why are you wielding fireballs??!
Pyro: Uhh it was definitely only for, uh… *YAAAAAWWN* …dramatic effect…
Mender: READING DATA: THREE ENTITIES. DETECTED AS VERY HOSTILE. ASKING FOR PITY... ERROR. PITY DIRECTORY NO LONGER EXISTS. PLEASE CHECK DATA INTEGRITY.
Kroop: Explainer, can you throw me? I think a blunt force approach is needed here!
Well, if you think so… But we could also just update their system or something?
Kroop: Just throw me already!
The Explainer manifests an arm, picking up Kroop and launching him at the robot. However, the Mender dodges and Kroop crashes into Pyro, who was already slumped against the wall, stunned. Luckily, he gets startled awake from the impact and immediately returns to the fight. With Pyro back fighting alongside his friends, they make quick work of the drone and manage to flip the Mender over.
Mender: YOU JUST GOTTA GRAB IT BY THE-ERROR. ERROR. ERROR!
Kroop: Nice! So are we done here or do we have to do anything more? Otherwise we should hurry to clear the other sectors!
I think we've knocked it around enough. Let's go!
As the trio leave sector B3, they hear the Mender reboot behind them and starting to sound normal again, as they head off to A1.
Pyro: See, fireballs weren't that bad! I would probably be a lot worse off if I hadn't used them!
Kroop: Well you could've also just listened to us?
I also think that for the next battles, you should rather employ a different strategy…
Arriving in sector A1, our heroes find many isolated labs and chambers with bulletproof glass providing a view of the multitude of scientific and mechanical experiments going on. They soon come across another Mender, in a shooting range-type area, with a turret next to it.
Mender: MISSING DIRECTIVE AND PURPOSE. STARTING QUOTE: <WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!>
Kroop: They don't really seem hostile unless provoked. Are we gonna attack this one anyways?
We probably should, although the turret is a much more significant target here.
Pyro: I'm on it! Fireb-
Kroop & Explainer: NO!
Pyro: Awww.
Kroop: Did it notice us already? We need an actual plan this time.
Unfortunately for Pyro and Co, while the Mender didn't notice them, the turret sure did! Suddenly, they are shot at with multiple bullets, and they flee behind a work table to shield themselves against the blasts.
Mender: GET FILLED WITH BULLETS STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE'S MOUTH!
Pyro: What horse?
Kroop: Damn, they saw us. Now what do we do? EXCEPT fireballs, Pyro.
Pyro: Well, I could summon a huge magnet to trap them all!
Oh what a FANTASTIC idea, what could possibly go wrong with all that metal equipment around here?
Pyro: Glad you agree!
Pyro comes out from behind the table and summons a huge magnet in the middle of the room, pulling all metal things in the room towards it: screws, bots, scalpels, ammo, and thankfully their two enemies. The turret is uprooted, deactivating it, while the Mender is now stuck in the metallic heap around the magnet.
Mender: AND SOMETIMES IN THE MORNING. A LITTLE @^#&$.
Kroop: What was that for??
Pyro: Now we can bonk him into resetting without any complications! See?
Despite the skull’s heavy protesting, Pyro simply picks up Kroop and hurls him against the trapped Mender, successfully initiating a reboot.
Mender: REBOOTING…Reboot complete. Have a nice day.
Kroop: And what about all the collateral damage?
Pyro: Well what's it called a Mender for?
After dematerializing the magnet, the heroes leave the sector, leaving the Mender behind to clean up the mess. However, as they are walking past the entrance of a darkened room on their way to sector D3, Kroop suddenly hears something…
???: No, you fool! I said it's not ready yet!
???: But dude, I'm tired of waiting! Why can't we do it NOW?
???: Are you sure the calculations are correct?
Kroop: Uh guys, I don't actually have ears, but I think I just heard something…
Unfortunately for Kroop, his friends are distracted, the Explainer trying to convince Pyro to stick to their original plan rather than using fireballs as they continue walking off.
Pyro: Yeah, but did we ever really have a plan?
Well WE did, yeah!
Ignoring them, Kroop quietly heads into the room to eavesdrop. He notices some papers laying on the desk, one of them being an open file.
???: Of COURSE I did the math correctly! You really think I wouldn't?
???: Well, knowing your relation to THIS ONE, I wouldn't be too sure.
???: Hey man, don't be jelly just cause I'm more ballin' then yo-
???: ENOUGH! We just need a FEW more, then the project can finally be completed! So just keep it down for now. You two can get what you want afterwards, deal?
???: K.
???: Agreed.
Kroop: Huh, now that sounds OMINOUS.
The END… of part one.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 230 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Cloudgazing |
