Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello, it is I, your new Fake News Director, Waluigi Time! Pretty nice office we have over here, it's even purple, which means no redecorating for me! I'm very happy to be here and I hope you enjoy having me (you're stuck with me either way though). Here's to a good run and plenty of sections!
Speaking of sections, we've got a few guest sections this month. Mustard Machine (talk) brings us a new installment of Interview with a Shoe, this time interviewing our very own Strategy Wing Director, Hooded Pitohui! We also have not one, but two News Flushes written by yours truly, because too many of my thoughts involve 'Shroom sections. (Of course, this time of year they have to share space with Awards presentations.) Our regular sections are here too of course, including Horrorscopes, returning from a couple months off, and many of them are even themed after Super Mario Sunshine for the summer special issue! Be sure to check them out.
And now for an important announcement! Have you ever been interested in writing for Fake News, but don't really want to commit to writing a full section? Today's your lucky day, because we're officially expanding the sections you can write for on a volunteer basis with no formal sign-up necessary! You probably already know we've been doing this with News Flush for a while, but now we're adding sections like Peddler's Place, Police Blotter, Travel Guide, and plenty of other old Fake News staples to the list. Just send your section to me privately via the forums or whatever method is most convenient, and I'll take care of the rest.
Of course, if you're interested in joining our team on a more permanent basis, I certainly won't object to that! If you're up for it, check out our sign up page, which will tell you everything you need to know about sending in an application.
Section of the Month
First place this month goes to Diggin' Up Dirt, with Spooks Booley's exposé of the truth (well, maybe) behind Iggy Koopa. Quizmelon's (talk) TV Tomorrow comes in at a very close second place, and finally, in third place is Consumer Corner. Thank you to everyone who voted, and be sure to continue supporting our fantastic team of writers with your votes!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Diggin' Up Dirt | 14 | 27.45% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 12 | 23.53% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 3rd | Consumer Corner | 10 | 19.61% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
New Television Drama Sparks Outrage:
The world of television has been rocked with controversy over the premiere of MKBC's new medical drama, Stacked, last month. The controversy stems from the show's central characters, three Goombas stacked on top of each other in a lab coat, masquerading as a single doctor. Readers may recall a massive scandal in the medical industry last summer, when it was revealed that longtime Mushroom General staff member Dr. Goomba Tower was, similarly, three Goombas in a lab coat. Critics have alleged that the program, due to its eerily similar premise, was directly inspired by the scandal. Adding fuel to the fire is the network's claim that the series is based on a true story, providing further evidence of a connection.
Criticisms include that creating a show based on this program makes light of the scandal, and that this is being done in an effort to exploit the situation to increase viewership. Some have even argued that by airing and promoting Stacked, MKBC is showing approval to the actions of Dr. Goomba Tower, and fear that this may inspire copycat "doctors". Supporters of Dr. Goomba Tower, have also provided their share of criticisms about the series, saying that Dr. Goomba Tower's reputation took enough of a hit in the scandal and that they should be left alone and allowed to move on with their lives, something that this series prevents by continually reminding the public of what transpired. It should be noted that although an investigation was launched following the discovery, it was never completed, and Dr. Goomba Tower was quietly removed from the payroll during sweeping staff cutbacks that followed over the next few months at Mushroom General.
Medical workers have additionally expressed concerns that this series may contribute to a lack of trust in the industry. One doctor had this to say:
I find the whole thing very concerning. The Dr. Goomba Tower scandal was... problematic, but it was an isolated incident and no verified records suggest that anything of this sort has happened previously. Sure, we've been working on tightening up regulations across the board after Mushroom Castle's strategy of lax regulations and increased hires proved to be less than ideal, but the portion of the general public keeping up on medical news compared to those who will likely be watching this program is startlingly low. I'm not saying that everyone who watches Stacked is going to start thinking that this is a frequent occurrence, but the series premiere had nearly 12 million viewers, more people are going to be influenced than we would like. And what happens when people are afraid that their doctor is actually three individuals with questionable licensing in an overcoat? They stop coming in for treatment! What's next, people who don't know what they're doing making homemade capsules to treat themselves? I shudder to think.
Whether this drama-induced drama is a passing fad that will blow over, or a larger issue that will continue to be prevalent is anyone's guess. The controversy doesn't seem to be having any negative effect on the ratings of Stacked, however, as subsequent episodes following the premiere have averaged between 9 and 11 million viewers each. We reached out to MKBC for comment, but have not yet heard back.
Written by: Walter G. Timeson (talk)
Awards Restructuring Creates Campaign Woes:
Shortly ahead of the launch of this year's Awards polls, the Awards Committee has announced that the order of the awards will be heavily reorganized this year. According to Awards Director Superchao, the change was made due to the lack of a logical order for the awards, which for the most part has simply been the result of natural development over previous years, with old awards being removed and new awards generally being added wherever there was room for them. In a year where the Committee has brought big changes to the Awards, with many old awards with uninteresting, stale results being cut in favor of new ones, and the addition of five extra award slots, it makes sense for this to be done sooner rather than later.
However, this restructuring has proved troublesome for the infamous Vote P for F7 Campaign, due to Worst Enemy being moved from its previous placement in the F7 slot, where it has remained since its inception in 2009, to the F3 slot, previously held by Worst 3D Level. As the Vote P for F7 campaign has essentially built its branding around Worst Enemy being in F7, many have wondered if this change will spell doom for the campaign this year. By heavily focusing on the award slot rather than the name of the award itself, the change may lead to confusion among some voters who would have otherwise supported the campaign.
In addition to the issue of recognizability, the campaign has poured millions of coins into creating merchandise and other promotional materials with the Vote P for F7 branding. Most notably affected are the campaign's Vote P for F7 pins and some styles of novelty t-shirts, which prominently display the old branding on the items, though all of them are affected to some extent from packaging, tags, and copyright information. The campaign has quickly worked to rebrand, pulling all of the original merchandise still on sale and creating a new campaign logo, poking fun at the change by putting a 3 resembling graffiti over the original 7.
We discussed the impacts that this may have with Waluigi Time, head of the Vote P for F3 Campaign and Awards Committee member, who had this to say:
I'm not worried about this change. I'm pretty optimistic, actually. Sure, I could've opposed this and saved myself the trouble this year, but I didn't really see a need to. After all these years, it was about time the awards were reorganized, and honestly, Vote P for F3 is a way better name anyway. Vote P for F3! It rhymes, and it has a whole one less syllable. That's way easier to remember!
We've still got time to sort things out. When this was first proposed and support started rolling in, I had my guys stop the production lines so we could work on producing updated Vote P for F3 merch, and we're working on getting more stock of that. We've got new promotional materials all sorted out too, and we've even seamlessly dubbed all of our commercials to reflect the change! I'll say this, you can expect some intensive campaigning from us the next couple of weeks.
But here's the thing, all that Vote P for F7 merch is going to be hot for collectors now. We're not making any more of this stuff! So be sure to hang onto it and keep it in top condition. I expect it to septuple in value over the next few years. Do you know how many coins a genuine, mint condition, new in packaging Vote P for F7 pin will fetch you online in 2032? A lot, probably! You'll thank me later.
Only time will tell if the Vote P for F3 Campaign will be able to bounce back from this setback. The 'Shroom will continue to keep you informed of future developments on the matter, but don't forget that you can keep an eye on this too by watching the Awards proceedings coming up this August. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.
The Mushroom Marquee
Written by: Sal T. Thespian (talk)
Traditional Meets Contemporary in Fresh Isle Delfino Performance
This month, The 'Shroom has found itself partnered extensively with Isle Delfino and its associated boards to bring all sorts of content related to the island for its readers. As part of this cooperative effort, I was invited to a showing of a special Isle Delfino performance. Consistent readers of mine might take note that this is the first time I've written about a performance on the fair island, and for those who know the culture of Isle Delfino, you will understand why. The Pianta and Noki peoples have a remarkably rich history, and this includes their legacy of intertwining folklore with traditional dance. To speak honestly, I have never felt comfortable reviewing something profoundly cultural, such as a Nokian fire dance - who am I to critique the performance of an ancient art removed from my realm of expertise and culture?
The opportunity I was given, though, was to see “The Legend of the Great Gooper Blooper”, a show produced by a newly-formed group called the Pianta Performance Group. Headed by director Charles Stir, the production promises to be a “fusion between the contemporary theatre and the traditional teachings of Pianta storytelling.” After attending it, I can safely state that this promise is upheld, and I found myself pulled within a promising world of text and dance unlike one I had seen before.
The performance took place on a special stage erected at Gelato Beach, when the sun had just set and a number of bonfires could be lit. The location's proximity to the ocean waves allowed an ambience for the night befitting of the subject matter, and the stage's geometry allowed the performances to duck behind and act as though they had stepped into the ocean directly. Gelato Beach was no doubt chosen for its abundance of watermelons as well; slices of watermelon were used in the script directly and given as preshow treats to the audience. Though I have encountered atmospheric worlds within the confines of a theater, rarely have I felt so comfortably situated by an outdoor venue.
The play itself focused on its titular tale, the legend of the Great Gooper Blooper. I studied the myth's origins and details before attending the production, but please forgive me if I make any errors in what I explain. In Pianta legend, the Great Gooper Blooper is said to have provided Isle Delfino with its first fruits by fertilizing the soil with its ink. The story is a recognizable myth, and ultimately straightforward in structure: the Blooper emerges from its egg, swims across the great oceans, and discovers Isle Delfino, where it spreads its ink. Then, it submerges into the ocean, but it is said to remain by the Isle, watching over its fruits and the residents' wellbeing. It might sound difficult to translate this story into a full, script-driven narrative, but some key directorial decisions were made to allow this to happen. The play is best considered an adaptation, rather than a direct retelling. The Great Gooper Blooper, for one, is given speaking parts and characterization, something the original myth never signifies. More surprisingly, obstacles in the form of other characters or creatures are placed in the Blooper's path across the ocean, and those inserts are figures from other traditional Pianta legends. At one point, the Shine Warrior appears before the Blooper and informs it of the Pianta people and their plight to find a comfortable home; near the play's climax, the Blooper must face off against the enigmatic Phantamanta. In adapting what could be a largely one-note story, the Pianta Performance Group manages to pull forth a compelling narrative themed around overcoming adversity.
In terms of physical performance, the action was remarkably done. Pianta dance and movement was evident in just about every moment onstage, anywhere the audience looked. The precision and intention of each moment was clearly communicated, and there was an emotional weight to the movements, indicating that these Pianta were truly leaving their hearts and culture on the stage. The performers were not afraid to work together, either: when the Great Gooper Blooper first hatched from its egg, nearly the entire cast was unified in moving around the stage, bending and turning to create the shapes of an eggshell and the Blooper's tentacles. This was paired with the costuming and extensive body painting that even changed between scenes. All of these components came together to create a viewing experience enthralling and captivating.
I could make notes to a few aspects of “The Legend of the Great Gooper Blooper” I found ineffective - some of the dialogue was stilted and awkward, not every scene had the same intensity as the one before - but I find myself passing over these feelings in favor of admiration. After all, this is a format never done before, and it can only improve with time. The Pianta onstage that evening were not seasoned actors, but they were truly performers, willing to lay themselves and their culture and identities bare for the audience to see. I have no doubt that with a few years' time and further refinement of their formula, the Pianta Performance Group will become an unbelievably successful company. Their ingenuity, their dedication, and their passion is astounding. I hope to be witnessing and supporting this troupe's growth for every step of their journey.
The Legend of the Great Gooper Blooper
Directed by: Charles Stir
Where: Gelato Beach Stage
When: June 18th - July 2nd
Admission: Suggested donation of 20 coins
Runtime: 50 min
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Mustard Machine (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Princess Daisy hit with Indefinite Ban from Battle League
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Following an investigation into a controversial off-the-ball play made by Princess Daisy in last Saturday's Mario Strikers: Battle League match between the Diddy Kong Coconut Crackers and the Sarasaland Sphinxes, Princess Daisy has been indefinitely banned from the Battle League. The play in question saw popular team captain Princess Daisy, known for her aggressive play, firing a red shell at Diddy Kong, a play that gave Diddy Kong a concussion and fractured his left shoulder. The reason this play has caused so much controversy is because Diddy Kong was on the opposite side of the field from the ball during the play. Many fans were outraged over what they felt was an unprovoked attack on a competitor who wasn't even active in the play. The Battle League promised a full investigation and has given Princess Daisy an indefinite ban until the investigation is completed. Following the announcement of the ban and investigation the Battle League put out the following press release.
We here at the Battle League consider safety to be of the upmost importance. While we acknowledge that there is a degree of danger to the sport of Strikers, we feel that there is still a level of decorum that must be respected. Off-the-ball plays like the play in question have no place in today's game. Due to the disturbing nature of the attack, we believe we have no choice but to issue a complete and full indefinite ban on Princess Daisy, prohibiting her from playing in any Strikers matches, be they official matches or just exhibitions, until we complete a full investigation. We are also placing a ban on her attending any practices or participating in any Sarasaland Sphinxes functions until the completion of our investigation. Player safety is paramount to the future of our sports, so we feel these actions, while regrettable, are necessary for the good of the game
While not issuing a full statement, Princess Daisy's representatives have unsurprisingly come out strongly against the ban. Promising an appeal, they're arguing that an indefinite ban is permitted for only the most serious offenses, which they do not Daisy has committed. What they're arguing is a heat-of-the-moment action play should not be considered a serious offense. This isn't the first time that Princess Daisy has caused controversy with her rough style of play. Many will remember her setting the record for fastest ejection from a match during the second round of last summers Super Bowser Cup after she allegedly dove directly into the calf of Petey Piranha, causing him to have to pull out of Cup.
For further thoughts on this announcement and its ramifications, we turn to longtime commentators Hooded Pitohui and Shoey.
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I applaud the Battle League's officials for their decision, let me begin by making that much clear. A full investigation must be carried out here, and Princess Daisy, despite her popularity with the Strikers audience, must be held accountable for her actions. Unfortunately, I must also say that this decision is one which is too little, too late. Now, I have nothing against physical contact sports, but these sports must hold their players to a certain standard of conduct and clearly delineate the limits of what is and isn't acceptable during play and training. Other sports throughout the Kingdom are capable of this, and have modernized their rules in recent years to more effectively protect player health. The Battle League, the premier league representing the sport of Strikers, has not. Not only has the Battle League resisted a modernization of its rules and practices, but they have, for years, ignored and downplayed the threat that Princess Daisy's aggressive playstyle - and, let it be said, she is not the only one who should be scrutinized here, only the most prominent among the likes of herself, Wario, and Donkey Kong - represents to the safety of its players. Not only have they downplayed the risk, but they've rewarded Princess Daisy, crowning her the queen of "Devastating Hits" while presenting her with the Brick Wall Award at the Leaf Cup. Why? Her aggressive plays drives the audience to come out and see the Sarasaland Sphinxes' matches, that's why. The warning signs have been here for years, something my partner has pointed out in his past sports columns, and, quite frankly, the Battle League could have and should have prevented this. There is no reason Diddy Kong should have suffered such a serious injury, and, while any decision that is made must take into account the findings of the league's investigations, I would encourage the league to show they are as committed to their players as they are their crowds and issue Princess Daisy a permanent suspension. |
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Now, usually I'm all for letting the players, play. After all, who wants to see some bureaucrat remove your favorite player before a big match? Or see a ticky-tack penalty called on a player, tipping the balance against your favorite team? But in this, case I have to fully agree with Battle League officials. For years, Princess Daisy has been towing the line between dirty and aggressive, and she's finally crossed over it. An-off-the-ball Red Shell attack on an unsuspecting Diddy Kong which has put him on the shelf for at least three months was not only completely uncalled for, considering Diddy Kong wasn't anywhere near the ball, but Daisy piled it on by taking advantage of Diddy's injury to score a goal on the short-handed Diddy Kong Coconut Crackers. To see her showboat while an injured Diddy Kong was helped off the field after that was completely disgusting. Look, we all know that Strikers is a dangerous sport and you need to have a high level of aggression to stay at the top of the sport, but there's a huge difference between productive aggression that helps your team win and Daisy's aggression, which just serves to hurt people. Think this was just one incident? Think again! While it's true that Daisy has never hurt anyone like this before, she has had the highest amount of official warnings for on-the-field conduct each of the past five years! The bottom line is this: Strikers is a dangerous game, but what Daisy did and the way she plays the game is just plain wrong, and I, for one, am glad the Battle League has finally brought the hammer down on her. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Interview with a Shoe
Written by: Andergoom Shoeper (talk)
Andergoom Shoeper: Welcome everyone to Interview with a Shoe. I'm your host Andergoom Shoeper. Tonight's guest is former Shroom Director and current Awards Sub-Director Hooded Pitohui. Thank you for taking the time to speak to us.
Hooded Pitohui: Thank you for having me, Mr. Shoeper. I like to believe interviews like these are important for keeping the public in touch with leaders in the realm of media.
Andergoom Shoeper: From relative obscurity to one of the communities most important members. Tell us a little bit about your journey.
Hooded Pitohui: Well, Mr. Shoeper, I like to think I came from humble roots. A simple 'Shroom section, that's how I stuck my foot in the door with the paper, writing about some musicians for Palette Swap. I can still remember those days, stepping into Funky's office, a few articles in my hands, looking out of place in those Palette Swap writer rooms where the artistically-inclined were analyzing boxart and dipping into the art supplies. A little hard work and a little bit of networking - there was this group trip to the Evershade Valley, and, oh, that was something - and I was tapped to apply for an open staff position. After that, it all spiraled from there. I like to say a little grit and determination can get you far if you put yourself out there.
Andergoom Shoeper: An inspiring story but I must ask what made you decide to leave the Shroom Directorship, a position of year round importance that you by all account had locked in for as long as you wanted. To take the second seat on the Awards ticket? Some would say that's a downgrade would they not?
Hooded Pitohui: Well, some would say that's a downgrade, yes, and I ask them, it's a downgrade by what criteria? If I were looking for influence in this city, I could invest my time into building a private enterprise. I believe in shoring up these treasured public institutions, and there is no "downgrade" or "upgrade" for me. However, to give inquiring minds an answer, there were personal reasons that led me to take a sabbatical from the Shroom Directorship, freeing me up to pursue different projects for some time while continuing to contribute. In particular, I've been looking into the cruise industry. It's been in decline for years, but I've been tapped to provide a revitalization plan for the industry. I simply needed more time to pursue projects such as this.
Andergoom Shoeper: Cruise industry?
Hooded Pitohui: Ah, yes, the cruise industry. While it's not very well-known, the New Wikisburg harbor does see off a number of cruise ships, but the industry has been in a nose-dive for the past few years. I've been contracted with one particular cruise line, St- Ah, excuse me, but I shouldn't say, actually. NDAs and all of that prevent me from speaking on the matter at length.
Andergoom Shoeper: So would you say Awards are a side project to your real passion project revitalizing the Cruise Industry?
Hooded Pitohui: Not at all! Awards is my highest priority this year, and I have been working closely with my partner and boss, Director Superchao, to ensure the Awards proceed smoothly this year and are the event we've all come to expect under Director Anton's many valued years of leadership. To put it simply, revitalizing the cruise industry and retaining a position on the Poll Committee are the side projects compared to my work on the Awards and my continued work as Strategy Wing Director and an advisor to the new 'Shroom leadership.
Andergoom Shoeper: On the subject of Awards could you explain to the readers how Blocky convinced you to run for Awards Sub-Director?
Hooded Pitohui: Well, Mr. Shoeper, that was actually quite the interesting story. You see, I was considering for a period of time running for the first seat on the ticket, myself. We had made it fairly far into the process of building not only a ticket, but a team of staff members, but, in the end, after discussions with members of The 'Shroom's staff and long-time members of the Awards staff, we faced the hard decision of reworking our plans. Superchao soon after informed me of his own plans to run and, having been aware of our preparations, offered me the second seat on the ticket. It was a natural fit for a year where I had prepared to manage the Awards but was no longer running for the Directorship. Needless to say, there was little convincing needed. It was a serendipitous partnership, candidly speaking.
Andergoom Shoeper: Must have been a little disheartening to have to abandon your plans to support what some would call a living relic.
Hooded Pitohui: You know, Mr. Shoeper, I would disagree with that notion entirely. I believe everything worked out for the best. What this year has done is given me a greater insight into the Awards process. Working with such an experienced partner has helped me to see where Awards would benefit from having some things done differently as well as areas where change needs to come with restraint, and to think more on how I might approach the Directorship. Now, I won't make any promises as to future endeavors on the public record, but let's just say, Mr. Shoeper, that I do not necessarily see this as my last stint on an Awards ticket.
Andergoom Shoeper: So you aren't interested in confirming at this time rumors of you running for Awards Director next year?
Hooded Pitohui: I can't make - no - I won't make any public comments on those rumors at this time, no sir.
Andergoom Shoeper: Let's get down to some nitty gritty. Walk me through the average Awards Meeting.
Hooded Pitohui: Well, the process actually begins well before the meeting. The Director, he sets out the overall vision for the upcoming meeting. What awards are we looking at suggesting cuts for? What award had anomalous results like a write-in beating out a nominee the previous year? There's these basic questions and the bigger questions like whether we prioritize fresh results or recognizability of an award, whether we acknowledge campaigns such as Vote P for F7 or the Toady write-in campaign. Once the Director lays out the vision, that's when I take over. I look at the overall schedule, decide where we need to be at a given point in the year, and write up an agenda that's going to get us where we need to be and accommodate everything in the Director's vision. There's also the matter of reminding the Director of appointments with the Awards Record Keeper, the Poll Committee Chairperson, and The 'Shroom Director, not the mention the work of checking on Uncle Awards and getting the committee reminders in the post. Once an agenda is written, the Director signs off on it, and we can begin moving towards the meeting.
Your average Awards Meeting begins with the Director briefly reminding the committee on the goals for the meeting, and then the debating begins. Now, usually, these meetings are civil, fun even, but we do spend time debating the minutiae. Did the latest Mario Party event distinguish itself from its predecessors, with its retro theme? Do we classify those shrinking lightning bolts as a power-up? There's usually at least one lengthy debate on these technical matters. It can get rather detailed at times. I can see why the networks don't broadcast them anymore and leave the recordings to streaming services. For the most part, however, it's discussion and voting without issue.
Andergoom Shoeper: Uncle Awards? That's a new feature of the committee this year correct? In fact the whole meeting process got a face lift right?
Hooded Pitohui: That is indeed correct. With the help of the Awards Record Keeper, who your readers may know also serves as The 'Shroom's Website Manager and maintains the digital systems of the paper's HQ, we've brought modern technology into the Awards process. Manual tallying is a thing of the past, with committee members now able to cast their votes on tablets which transmit the information to our centralized Awards computing unit, or Uncle Awards, as we call him. The switch to Uncle Awards has not only streamlined the voting process, but allows members of the committee to pull up written records of the meetings on-demand, without having to seek out the recorded logs. We've been very happy with the reception to these changes.
Andergoom Shoeper: Giving LTQ even more power eh?
Hooded Pitohui: chuckles, Well, Mr. Shoeper, I suppose that's one way to look at it. We trust him with quite a bit, but there's good reason to believe in his assurances of security.
Andergoom Shoeper: Now there have been a lot of changes to this years Awards. A record number of Awards have been replaced with new ones. Some of those Awards had been there since the first Awards. Tell me why the committee decided to change out so many Awards?
Hooded Pitohui: To tell you the truth, Mr. Shoeper, that was done at Director Superchao's initiative. Hmm... On second thought, allow me to rephrase. I believe much of it was the Director's vision, but it was done with the support of the committee. My understanding is that this year was that extensive discussion regarding "stale" results, categories where we have seen a consistent top three for years and years, triggered a re-evaluation of what awards need to be kept and what awards might be reasonably replaced. The public expressed a desire for variety, and, under the Director's vision - his famous slogan "no sacred cows" sums it up succinctly - we have delivered. It hasn't been without controversy, however. Even on the committee there have been some tense moments.
Andergoom Shoeper: So this has been a source of tension?
Hooded Pitohui: Tension is, well, tension is a strong word, Mr. Shoeper. There has been, with certain replacements and removals, what I would call "vigorous disagreements". These have been healthy disagreements, however, ultimately sorted out through discussion.
Andergoom Shoeper: Tell us about some of these moments.
Hooded Pitohui: With all due respect, Mr. Shoeper, I value the privacy of committee members and, while all votes and discussions are on the public record, I feel uncomfortable with revealing their personal business. However, I will say that the cutting of Worst 3D Level inspired a particularly strong debate. Less strong but still notable were the debates on cutting Favorite Mario RPG and restructuring the Favorite Community Event Award.
Andergoom Shoeper: Speaking of Community Awards I hear they've been expanded from 10-15 Awards what brought about this?
Hooded Pitohui: In no small part, the expansion of the Community Awards is rooted in the uptick in activity in the past few years. We've seen a revival of the mafia scene, which has in turn led to the creation of new events like the concerningly-named "Murder Party" which occurred in the Strategy District not long ago. There was also the documentation of that "Living Game" on a far-off atoll, as I recall. Between this and the thickness of a given 'Shroom edition increasing, and a general increase in the activity in New Wikisburg, we felt there were enough new categories to justify the expansion of the Community Awards.
Andergoom Shoeper: Any worries of not being able to fill presentation slots for these Awards?
Hooded Pitohui: I can assure you, Mr. Shoeper, that I am supremely confident we will be able to fill the presentation slots for not only these awards, but all sixty of our awards. Now, am I saying we will not be turning to our talented backup presenters? Not at all. I'm certain we will have to call upon their talent. However, we will be able to fill a significant proportion of these presentations slots. Between the connections myself and the Director have in this city and the rate at which presentation slots filled last year - if you'll recall, there was worry last year there might not be enough presentation slots, at one point, as quickly as they were being filled - we will have no trouble at all.
Andergoom Shoeper: Of the new awards, which would you be your favorite?
Hooded Pitohui: I can't lie. I am a huge fan of the new Favorite Community Character Award. We have some very interesting figures in New Wikisburg and its outlying areas, and many of them have become celebrities of sorts in recent years. I look forward to them getting some proper recognition. Most Underused Game Mechanic intrigues me, and, with Favorite Mario Kart Item, I'm quite interested in seeing if the Spiny Shell's reputation can give the Super Horn a boost.
Andergoom Shoeper: Any ideas for Awards that didn't quite make the cut?
Hooded Pitohui: Well, there were suggestions of splitting Worst Boss into an RPG category and a platformer category which did not go through this year due, in part, due to an abundance of boss-related awards.
Andergoom Shoeper: There are a lot of Boss Awards this year. Any reason for that?
Hooded Pitohui: The explanation there is simple. In considering whether there were any elements of our rotating Wario, Donkey Kong, and Yoshi Awards that have so far gone unrecognized, we realized that their bosses had never before been highlighted and saw a chance to bring something new to the table for these awards.
Andergoom Shoeper: Now the Awards process is not without controversy. The Vote P for F7 campaign is back in full force and has succeeded in getting Porcupuffer on F7. What do you think are the ramifications of this?
Hooded Pitohui: Honestly, I believe concerns about the Vote P for F7 campaign, while not unwarranted, make the campaign out to be a larger threat to the awards process than it is. The campaign is effective enough to have generated enough write-ins to get Porcupuffer on the ballot, true, but will it be able to put Porcupuffer anywhere near the top? I believe the answer to this question is "no". The general public continues to show more animosity for Hammer Bros., with Porcupuffer barely registering as a possible worst enemy for those surveyed from a larger swathe of the voting public.
Andergoom Shoeper: But don't you think it sets a bad precedent?
Hooded Pitohui: If I can speak seriously for a moment, Mr. Shoeper, I do not. So long as would-be campaigners maintain an understanding that the Community Awards are fundamentally in a different category and no campaigns should be made about them, I do not believe there is an issue with small-scale campaigns on the level of Vote P for F7 for the Mario or Fail Awards. They generate interest in Awards and move the needle only slightly.
Andergoom Shoeper: Perhaps you're right only time will tell. There's one last controversy i'd like to talk about, one that I know is close to your heart. That is the plight of Toadies. What is your response to the Cultural Union of Toadies arguments?
Hooded Pitohui: Ah... I see now where your reputation for hard-hitting end of interview questions comes from. I understand the union's arguments, and, even more so, I understand their dissatisfaction with their removal. I've gone on record as a participant in their write-in campaign, and I am on the record as having voted against their removal. However, I have full respect for the integrity of the Awards process and the decisions of the committee. All I can say is that I hope the union can also respect the committee's decisions and that they continue their fight for write-ins. Well, I suppose I can also say that they will have at least one person in this interview room joining their write-in campaign again this year. May they have good luck gathering write-ins and see about getting on next year's ballot.
Andergoom Shoeper: Of course some would argue that they should have never been on the Award to begin with. What with their knack for stealing babies.
Hooded Pitohui: Those individuals should consider not allowing a few Toadies working under Kamek to shape their opinion on the species as a whole. Does anyone hold Lakitus in contempt for their role in the takeover of Flower Fields?
Andergoom Shoeper: Lakitus have served purposes outside of their roles in Bowser's Army. Tell me outside of yourself are there any notable Toadies outside of the Koopa Troop?
Hooded Pitohui: Rap may not be everyone's favorite genre, and it certainly isn't mine, but the Kamek Krew have contributed to the city's musical soundscapes.
Andergoom Shoeper: Going back to the community, are there any things outside of Awards you'd like to inform the public about?
Hooded Pitohui: Well, Mr. Shoeper, by the time this goes to print, I believe the Blooper Races will be taking place, and I highly suggest that your readers take a look at them. Most importantly, though, I'd like to make sure the public is aware that The 'Shroom will be publishing issue 200 next year, a significant milestone that is no doubt going to draw upon everything that this city has to offer. I hope that the public will not only pitch into issue 200, but begin thinking, even now, about what they hope to see in it and what they envision for it so we can look to them for thoughts and suggestions later this year as we begin preparing for next year's 'Shroom Directorship term.
Andergoom Shoeper: Issue 200 eh? Any truth to the rumors that you wish to head Issue 200 yourself?
Hooded Pitohui: Once again, Mr. Shoeper, I'm in no position to confirm or deny any rumors regarding matters that are so far out at this time. I will say, however, that I am not opposed to the possibility.
Andergoom Shoeper: Just one last question for those who have never participated in Awards, what can they expect?
Hooded Pitohui: They can expect a day full of energy and creativity. I can't convey through words what it feels like to be present during the ceremonies, honestly. The energy of the day is something you need to experience for yourself to understand it, but what I can tell you is you can expect a lot of fun, talking about the highs and low of the Mario franchise, recognizing the talented people in this community, chatting with familiar faces and talking to people who you may have seen around but not have spoken to, and, of course, wearing silly party hats together as you watch some stunning presentations.
Andergoom Shoeper: Itt will definitely be a fun event. I know I had a blast at last years ceremony. That's all the time we have. I'd like to thank Hooded Pitohui for sitting down with me.
Hooded Pitohui: Thank you, Mr. Shoeper. I hope to see more of your interviews in the future, and I hope to see everyone sign up for presentations and attend the ceremonies!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome everyone to the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown Beach Bash! I'm your host, Waluigi Time, live on location at beautiful Gelato Beach on Isle Delfino. We've got a very exciting match-up today, and two contestants ready to compete for the ultimate prize of... THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM SMACKDOWN BEACH BASH CUP!
What do you mean, it looks like a used smoothie cup with magic marker writing? Did I ask for your opinion? Chuck, go kick that guy out of here while I introduce the fighters. *ahem* Sorry about that interruption, folks.
Our first contestant is sure to be a showstopper with its mere presence, it's the Monster of Mystery, the Cryptic Colossus, HINOKURI2!
They told me it doesn't exist... They all said I was crazy! But I got one... I GOT ONE! WAHAHA! Er, sorry, got caught up in the heat of the moment. So, this thing is Hinokuri2! Have you ever seen it before? Probably not. No one really knows anything about it, and up until now no one's ever really been sure it even existed, outside of low-quality photos of dubious authenticity. Think of it like Delfino's version of Bigfoot. We've got the stuff of literal legends right here at Smackdown!
So, since no one really knows for sure what's up with this thing, we did some testing to find out what it does by using Wagooigi Time as our test subject! He's fine, he's very flexible. Turns out, Hinokuri2 has a nozzle on its back that it can use to release Strollin' and/or Swoopin' Stus! Yep, we got another enemy spawner today. Other than that, it doesn't do much, the Stus handle all the work. It walks around, I guess? I mean, it's pretty big, if you get in its way and get kicked or stepped on that would probably hurt, so it's got that going for it. As for defenses, well... We didn't really test those. But you can understand why I wouldn't want to damage it before the match, right?
Now that I think about it... Where's Hinokuri1? I'll have to look that one up.
Opposing this enigma today is the Tired Terrapin, the Footsoldier of Fatigue, SNOOZA KOOPA!
You may think sleeping during combat isn't the greatest strategy, and you'd probably be right, if it wasn't for Snooza Koopa's thick shell that conspicuously resembles a Yoshi Egg! Good luck penetrating that. Of course, once it wakes up, it'll try to attack by leaping up into the air and crushing its foes with that very same shell! But that becomes a double-edged sword, because it just may get stuck in the ground, exposing its vulnerable underside to attacks! You'd think that by now they would have learned an attack that doesn't leave them vulnerable, or just not to attack at all and rely on the shell. But what do I know, I'm not a Snooza Koopa.
Well, if I had to predict who will go home holding the trophy, it's Snooza Koopa, because Hinokuri2 doesn't have hands. In all seriousness, if Hinokuri2 wants to do anything with those Stus, it's going to require some expert timing and dodging of Snooza Koopa's attacks, because otherwise, I doubt anything's happening to that shell. Of course, maybe Hinokuri2's defenses are too tough for Snooza Koopa to get through too. But like I always say, let's get into the ring and find out for ourselves!
Starting things off, we're, um, not actually starting things off, because the two of them are just kind of hanging out in their corners of the ring. That's not very entertaining! Can someone at least wake Snooza Koopa up, or... Well, looks like Hinokuri2's going to take on that assignment, and just sent two Strollin' Stus towards Snooza Koopa! They charge at it, doing absolutely nothing of value for Hinokuri2 but they do end up waking Snooza Koopa up! So that's good for the match at least. And Snooza Koopa leaps into the air and squashes both Stus flat in one fell swoop! The playing field is level once again. Snooza Koopa goes on the attack again, leaping toward Hinokuri2, and - smashing its shell! I guess that thing was a shell, okay.
Alright, things are getting interesting now! Hinokuri2's defenses are gone, and well, they didn't seem to do too much. It better make a comeback quick, or one more successful blow from Snooza Koopa could spell the end of the match! Alright, let's see here. Hinokuri2 sends out some Swoopin' Stus this time, and Snooza Koopa goes to take care of them first - BUT! They hop out of the way at the last second! Snooza Koopa is stuck in the ring floor and completely vulnerable! Is this Hinokuri2's big comeback moment? It sends out some extra Strollin' Stus for support, and the Swoopin' Stus prepare to attack, but... It's too late! Snooza Koopa gets back up before they can reach it, and they just splatter against its shell! Hinokuri2's chance to win might've just went up in smoke, folks! Snooza Koopa goes on the offensive once again, hurling itself toward Hinokuri2, aaaand... A DIRECT HIT! Hinokuri2 falls to the floor, is it over? It appears that it is! Snooza Koopa is the winner! Enjoy the Beach Bash Cup, champ.
Wait a minute, we seem to have some interference in the ring! Is that- it is! It's Delfino's own running man, former racing champion Il Piantissimo! What's he doing here?
He's stolen the Beach Bash Cup from Snooza Koopa and is running away with it! Well, technically the match is over, so we'll allow Snooza Koopa to leave the ring to reclaim its prize. We could probably do it ourselves, but it's more entertaining this way! Besides, I don't trust Chuck to chase down Il Piantissimo after the Amazy Dayzee incident.
Snooza Koopa slowly walks toward the edge of the ring - it's going to need to be a lot faster than that to catch up with Piantissimo! Ah, Snooza Koopa leaps into the air toward Piantissimo, but the runner's just too fast, and Snooza Koopa gets stuck upside down in the sand instead! Piantissimo could use this opportunity to come back and defeat Snooza Koopa! No, nevermind, he's still just running away with the empty c- ah, I mean trophy. There he goes...
Huh, that was one of the more interesting match crashes we've had. Well, thanks for tuning into the first ever Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown Beach Bash! Hopefully we make enough money to cover the costs of the new setup here. As always, if you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see in the next match, be sure to send them in!
I guess we'll have to get a new trophy for Snooza Koopa. Anyone got coins for a smoothie?
The summer is here, the sun is out. But there’s no need to go outside to enjoy the sunshine; you can enjoy it all directly from your television without even having to open your curtains. To facilitate this universal culture of sloth, many of Mushroom Kingdom’s television channels are showcasing hit programmes produced on the famously warm-climate Isle Delfino, allowing lucky viewers to visit the island paradise without expending any money, time, or energy. Why have experiences when you can have them at home, right? Anyway, here’s some of the best rays you might be able to catch tomorrow. Televisual cathode rays, that it is.
New: A Vandalised Life
MKBC1, 9pm
Genre: Legal docudrama
Compelling, emotional television, this methodical yet heartwrenching miniseries re-dramatises the infamous Shadow Mario court case - in which Mario was falsely accused of vandalising areas of Delfino Plaza - with a focus on the damage done to Mario’s career. (Which, let’s be honest, wasn’t that much, he’s still very popular. But don’t tell the series.) The Pianta prosecutor has been made into the villain of the piece; ironically for a show that criticises how Mario’s name was tarnished, it has now itself been sued for defamation by the real-life prosecutor, who ever since the trial has been receiving constant hate mail and death threats from Mario’s rabid cult-like fanbase. Hmm. It’s a well-made show, but maybe be careful discussing it in public.
Boo Scarey: Paranormal Detective
MKBC2, 10pm
Genre: Supernatural police procedural
Now one of the Mushroom Kingdom’s most-celebrated crime series, Boo Scarey: Paranormal Detective follows the titular detective as he investigates unsettling mysteries while trying to conceal the fact that he is himself a ghost and therefore can contact the spirit realm to help him with his deductions. We’re in Season 10 now, and tomorrow’s episode just so happens to take place on Isle Delfino, in the mysterious Sirena Beach area, where the strange appearance of an icky paint-like goop is only the beginning of a mystery involving the legend of the eerie Phantamanta.
The Doot-Doot Show: Live from Gelato Beach
Delfino Public Broadcasting Channel, 7.30pm
Genre: Variety show
If you’re truly interested in Isle Delfino culture, you won’t be interested by high-budget Mushroom Kingdom programmes simply setting their stories there. To get a proper taste of the island, tune into the Delfino Public Broadcasting Channel tomorrow evening to catch the weekly Doot-Doot Show, a four-hour variety show hosted by Il Piantissimo and starring the famous local dancers the Doot-Doot Sisters. There’s also comedy, acrobatics, singing, stunts, and lots more from the performing community of the island. Sure, it’s low budget, but it has heaps of local charm. The most authentic way to experience Delfino (without actually going there, obviously).
I hope these sunshiny shows relax you in the warm glow of the sun. (I’m not sure why they would, actually; two-thirds of them are crime-related. But never mind.) May your Shines always be sprightly, may your Hover Nozzles lift you to new heights, may your durian fruit always inexplicably turn Yoshi purple. I’ll see you later this summer with more glimpses at televisual paradise, here on TV Tomorrow!
Consumer Corner
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
Deep in an undersea cavern in Noki Bay, we find the monstrous Eely-Mouth in extreme distress. "Ahhh, my teeth hurt so bad! I wish there was something that could help me," says a goofy, clearly dubbed voice, but we're going to pretend that it's Eely-Mouth and you should too. "Did someone say TEETH?" bellows the distinctive voice of that bizarre cereal magnate Waluigi Time from out of view. He arrives in a purple submarine, crashing into a pillar and sending it crumbling to the ocean floor. That was probably the ruins of an ancient civilization or something that he just destroyed, but whatever, it's fine! Totally fine.
A hatch on the submarine pops open and Waluigi Time swims out in a scuba suit. "What seems to be the problem, my eely acquaintance?" he asks. "All of my teeth ache! Can you help?" "Hmm... What kind of toothpaste have you been using?" Eely-Mouth shows him a plain white tube of toothpaste labeled "GENERIC STUPID SMELLY BRAND". Waluigi Time gasps in shock! "Of course! There's the problem! You're using a terrible brand of toothpaste!" he grabs the tube of toothpaste and tosses it away into the background, where it bonks a Porcupuffer prop in the face. "Here's what you need! Brand new from Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated, it's Waluigi Time Cereal Toothpaste! Now the Waluigi Time Cereal flavor you know and love comes in toothpaste form, so if you've ever thought to yourself that you wished your toothpaste tasted more like mayonnaise, this is for you! Nine out of ten dentists in the Mushroom Kingdom recommend it! But don't worry, we'll work on that elusive tenth dentist next!"
We briefly cut to find out exactly what efforts are being made to this end, and see Chuck carrying a large, squirming bag out of a dentist's office.*
* - Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. does not endorse the kidnapping of dental workers. Do not attempt.
Enough of that, back to Noki Bay! "Well that sounds great, but I don't see how this will help my problem," Eely-Mouth says. "Wahaha! I haven't even gotten to the best part! It's not just about the delicious flavor, after all. Waluigi Time Cereal Toothpaste is, in fact, the most effective toothpaste in the world! Studies have shown that users of Waluigi Time Cereal Toothpaste have a 94% lower risk for cavities, 71% fresher breath, 27% whiter teeth, and a 2% greater desire to write for The 'Shroom than users of other toothpaste brands!*"
* - Results of study have not yet been confirmed. We're sure they will be though. Just give it time!
"But don't take my word for it, see the results for yourself!" Waluigi Time pulls out a purple toothbrush, squeezes some of the toothpaste onto it, and begins brushing Eely-Mouth's teeth. As he does, the tooth pops out and floats away. "Was that supposed to happen?" asks a concerned Eely-Mouth. "Um, ah, yes, of course! See the special soon-to-be-patented Waluigi Time Anti-Cavity Formula in action! When you have a cavity, the special soon-to-be-patented Waluigi Time Anti-Cavity Formula does a lot of sciencey stuff that's too complicated to explain in a commercial to just get rid of that tooth! No more trips to the dentist for a painful extraction, you can take care of it yourself, completely pain-free! It's WAH-MAZING!" "Wow, this is fantastic! I'm going to recommend this to all of my friends!" "That's great!" "...I don't have any friends." "Oh." "It's lonely down here."
Sensing that the conversation has grown awkward, Waluigi Time decides that it's time to take his leave. "Well, my work here is done! Enjoy your vastly improved dental health!" The cereal magnate gets back in his submarine and leaves, crashing into a second pillar and destroying that on the way.
The field of archaeology is really going to hate him.
Waluigi Time Cereal Toothpaste! Bring breakfast fun to your daily dental hygiene routine!
"Wahaha! Brush your teeth with this or else!"
Written by: Merlthazar The Oracle
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THEY'VE BEEN GOING WHERE |
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| [A silence hangs in the air of the small wizard's abode as he considers his next actions, until after what seems like an eternity, he stops pacing, and lets out a resigned sigh] | |
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...Ah, I guess it can't be helped, now. |
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Though, that definitely explains why I wasn't receiving those odd trophies anymore, oho! |
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Precious starchild, our time is fleeting, and the contract can't be broken. We'll have to make do with what's on hand. |
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Ah, stardust. These aren't even the good crayons... hm... |
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Your gaze is cutting, but don't direct your anger at me. They're clearly trying to intercept us, but it's far too late to change anything, especially on our end. |
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Even they know that......but for his sake, let us begin. After all, who else is even left to divine the fates of the unfortunate? |
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Tonight may be as ordinary a night as any other for you, O hapless reader, your fate interwined with the cosmos above, demonstrating its everpersistent benignity to an uncaring and cruel universe, some other long and wordy metaphor, yadda yadda oho oho. But, like the many dwindling stars above, such nights are fleeting for us oracles. The most recent night of peace I had was, in your time, about three millenia and two months ago, where a processing error gave me three times the numbers of space pizzas I'd ordered, and I spent the whole night binge-watching a show called Under the Falling Stars, My Queen, a heartbreaking comedy slash op-ed period piece critiquing the third wave movement of the outer realms, where a loveless romantic falls in love with an abyssal being and they spend countless nights of pas-
-ah, fear not, O gracious and tear-welling reader, dry thine eyes, I didn't vanish. It occurs to me that, due to an unfortunate interference, it has been quite a few cycles since our paths last crossed over the sea of stars. For those of you who may have forgotten, had your memories shattered by celestial beings you tried to summon in my absence, or perhaps haven't had this fateful encounter before, I am the Great Oracle, Merlthazar, diviner of the unfortunate destiny. It is my duty to give you the guidance you deserve. Probably, I mean humanity really doesn't have much going for it nowadays, oho!
Since the last two of my divinations were lost, I wouldn't want you, O weeping and sobbing and, very uncomfortably snorting and sobbing,... on my carpet, gee you're kind of a mess, really- Reader please stop, O Reader, to miss out on the knowledge of the stars due to forces out of your own control. So, I've got a fantastic method of choosing which of the three outstandingly real constellations my transmissions were unable to inform you about these past few months.
Starchild, ready my dartboard of the stars! A startboard, if you must!
Ohohohohoho! We have a winner!
This month's constellation is Kalii, otherwise known as The Greater Banana, or The Big Banana. There are many stories oracles would pass around the locker rooms of fate as we donned the traditional leather divining gear, none of which more amusing than that of a world orbited by a giant banana that would pass over its skies with a bright yellow arc. Some say this world was purged from the cosmos after Kalii, tired and hungered from being chased by abyssal crocodiles, reached across the stars to grab this banana and swallow it whole, sending that world into total, potassium-deprived darkness. While some oracles dismiss this as a fable to remind you of the dangers of potassium deficiency, Oracles who believe this event actually happened often point to it as the beginning of the Great Undoin-
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...oh my stars, I thought this might happen. |
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Nothing good has ever come from a game of darts, hm? |
Ohohoho! Dear reader, a very rare convergence of the stars is about to occur! As our fated conversation on the shattered dreams of the ancients takes place, it seems a kerfuffle has broken out in the temporal space. Gods can be so fickle, bickering over their pride and wishes to be observed by the oracles. It seems our resident skipped constellations, Ignio and Bawrus, are approaching Kalii's corner of the stars at a faster-than-light pace! Which means it's time to...
SETTLE IT IN SMASH
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Let me just get the streaming cord out hm... oh! |
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We're now live, dear readers of the unsolicited and incompatible non-sequitur and completely distracting segue! |
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Welcome back to Merlthazar Streams (Of The Collective Consciousness), tonight our fighters are Ignio_xX, BawrusGaming, and you_may_divine_it_once! Ah, but we are short on time tonight, so this is just a friendlies match, or I suppose an unfriendlies match, as this is a complete free-for-all due to the sheer anger of each competitor. I'm not much of a Smash commentator, but just look at that coalescence of raw power! I'll let the visuals divine themselves really. The galaxies finest stars battling it out for dominance over the skies! Oho, I'm also not much of a fighter, but believe me in my hey-day I could have taken on all three! |
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Oh, starchild has just informed me that the overlay isn't working right, excuse me. No I will not be reading out subscribes tonight, I just said I have very little time. As always, subscribe and receive a quick divination of your fate in your inbox. |
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As always, be civil, dear readers even when the- OH MY STARDUST HE WENT FOR IT LET'S GOOOOOOooo |
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The very fabric of reality is being altered right in front of us! I think! The power is so overwhelming that each god's outline is so poorly-defined, it's almost as if they were rushed at the last minute before this paper was released! (Starchild, this is your chance) |
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No readers- readers, no. Readers I'm not- Listen, I'm not going to alter the fates of the stars to make Kalii win. I- |
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Ah, well there you have it. Ohohohoho! It seems my divination dartboard is never wrong! |
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Well now, with that out of the way, let's get on with the divinations for this month. Oho! |
These horrorscopes of sunshine and surf will help you brave the oceanic waters of the deep cosmos and surf that high tide of destiny! To make up for my absence the past two months just pick three of the below you think you'd like, I'm sure that will be enough destiny to make up for it. Ohohohoho! I take no responsibility for anything you do with this excess of advice, as always, my job is simply to divine!
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Ignio The Firebrand |
March 21 – April 19 |
This summer, dear pescatarian-in-training readers, it might be best to stay away from seafood. Sharks, shrimp, shrimp that fry rice, and particularly squid, with its many tentacles, deadly grip and sharp beak, lest you suffer a terrible fate and have your death reported on by a damages officer assessing your capsized vessel! |
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Bawrus The Demonkoopa |
April 20 – May 20 |
Ah, summer. If the allseeing eye of the cosmos is correct, the moon of your world has just left its apogee, meaning... absolute diddly squat for your fate, oho! But perhaps your world's oceanic waves are a little less intense, making surfing all the more difficult, despite this gorgeous tropical weather I can perceive. Or bitter cold, to those from the south seas. I play both hemispheres, so that I can always come out on top. Brave such waves of fickleness carefully, lest you get wiped out by the sea of gnarly and righteous destiny. Ohoho, dude, ohohohoho! |
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Kalii The Greater Banana |
May 21 – June 21 |
Much like your starsign this month, shall you find yourself under potential threat from two cosmic entities, prepare to absolutely spam that down+B. It should keep your assailants at an acceptable distance. |
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Warum The Gold Digger |
June 22 – July 22 |
Unfortunately, dear reader, Oracles don't get to do much surfing, beachgoing, or amusement park riding, and not many beaches allow me to cook my refreshing summer clam chowder recipe in the presence of others without them threatening to beat me with a stick, and you, too, should avoid attempting to perform feats of culinary divination in the presence of others. For your advice this month, leave the clams of social awkwardness at home, and just order a pizza next time. |
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Yosio The Saddle Bearer |
July 23 – August 22 |
Summer is the season for refreshing experiences, such as tropical fruits in controversial places. Carry a pineapple with you as you wander around the beaches of fate, for you never know when you may come across an unsuspecting pizza of chance. Seize this opportunity, and decorate this objectified persona of opportunity, and everything else, with succulent tropical fruit! Fellow Yosio star-signs are sure to thank you! |
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Fulugi The Thunderhand |
August 23 – September 22 | Fulugi starsigns, heed the warning of the stars, and do not place bets on the Bloopers in the blooper race. I can already tell you now, you will lose a great deal of money. I, of course, have already divined the winner, and will look forward to claiming my prize, provided the odds aren't adjusted and the pool of winners remains low so I can receive more star bits. Ohohoho! |
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Alroia The Starmother |
September 23 – October 22 | A dark omen plagues your schedule this month. While June normally represents the middle of the year, a refreshing start for all businesses, and a break from studies, a miasma of ridiculous commitments will cause you to suffer greatly, and- oh you already know that? Ohohoho! Well, there isn't much I can do to help you now. I wish thee well with your inflicted abyssal torture! I find it best not to look it in the eyes. |
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Sarasae The Blossoms |
October 23 – November 22 | Stranded on a deserted island? My advice to you, dear castaway reader of the isles, is how on your marvelous blue planet are you even reading this page? Do you have a solar generator and wi-fi? With such things, how are you still even stranded on that island, and why is reading these terrible horoscopes your priority? Look inward, and reassess your priorities. Immediately. Ohohoho! |
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Walfugius The Inverted Hand |
November 23 – December 21 | Long walks on the beaches at night are a romantic past-time perfect for the short nights of summer, even while alone. Be careful when dipping your toes into the oceans, lest you be bitten by the crabs of procrastinating deadlines yet again, and be helpless to watch as those short nights of summer become somehow even shorter. Why is it already the middle of June? |
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Dovia Reborn The Punished Maiden |
December 22 – January 19 | Considering a summer make-over this month to prepare for an exciting time at the beach? Whatever you do, O reader, I caution you against modelling yourself after the redesigned creatures of Delfino Isle. Oh my stars, they're hideous. Great calamity will befall you if you do not heed this advice, as cataquacks in your area may wish to meet you. |
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Amanita The Castles |
January 20 – February 18 | If you come face-to-face with suspicious looking puddles of brown goop covering the path to your future, you must take charge reader, and remain hydrated. Wash away the sludge covering your destiny with many, many, many water bottles of internal hydration. Why doesn't the universe stop spraying goop on your fate? I really couldn't tell you, it just does that. |
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Puchis The Hound |
February 19 – March 20 | Avoid Pachinko machines and such similar devices. I need not explain further. |
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Ah, such a good match. Well, dear pog-faced readers, I'll send you off to the 'Shroom's official streaming channel, as their Blooper Race is about to go live. May the stars above guide you! |
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| The 'Shroom: Issue 183 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • 'Shroomfest • Poll Chairperson Election |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Community Awards Dossier • Blooper Race • Living Game: Where Are They Now? |
