Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Awards is already in the rear-view mirror, and now it's time for another issue of The 'Shroom. I'm still not entirely alive yet. It's all good here.
A few announcements for you this month! First of all, we have a guest edition of News Flush from ClawgripFan9001 (talk), so be sure to check it out! Also, Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) are taking on Pikmin 4, so Mushroom Tribune has been temporarily renamed Hocotate Daily for this issue. Finally, Consumer Corner is taking a break this month, but it'll be back soon.
Well, it's already August, which means Issue 200 draws ever closer. In fact, it's only three months away! Remember the beginning of 2023 when it was waaay out at the end of the year? Yeah. Maybe I should ask TheBlueCatMenace if we can get a time travel guide next. That's still plenty of time to submit though, so if you want to get something in early, check out our sign up page for information on how to send an Issue 200 application to Meta Knight (talk)! Of course, if you really don't want to wait until November to start writing for Fake News, I'm not going to stop you from applying for that either! I also take volunteer submissions with no application necessary for sections like News Flush and Peddler's Place, so if that's something you're interested in, send that to me privately and I'll help you get sorted out.
Section of the Month
We had excellent engagement this month with a whopping 70 votes! In first place we have our newcomer, TheBlueCatMenace (talk) with The Sunshine Travel Guide! A very strong start for the section with well over a quarter of the entire vote. Maybe that's why the beach has been so crowded lately? Our runner-up is the ever-popular TV Tomorrow by Quizmelon (talk), bringing us more TV from within the Mushroom Kingdom itself. Finally, Consumer Corner takes third by hopping onto the amiibo train about roughly half a decade too late. (Did you know amiibo are going to be 10 years old next year?) Thank you for reading and supporting our writers with your votes, be sure to keep it up!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 24 | 34.29% | TheBlueCatMenace (talk) |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 15 | 21.43% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 3rd | Consumer Corner | 11 | 15.71% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Written by: Claw Gripstofferson (talk)
MUSHROOM KINGDOM PARLIAMENT HAS FALLEN!
An awkward and grim atmosphere hangs in the air above Toad Town today as the Toad Minister frowns with his eyes closed. After months and months of infighting and inability to get on one line of thinking on passing new immigration policies in the Mushroom Kingdom, the Mushroom Kingdom Parliament has fallen.
Various representatives from the fallen parliament have reached out to us about the matter, with Goompapa, Resident Representative of Goomba Village, telling us the following:
It is rather unfortunate that things had to end the way they did, because the Toad Minister had some rather good ideas for passing new immigration policies in the Mushroom Kingdom, but the majority of parliament did not agree with the ideas the Toad Minister had, which led to the fall of parliament which we're looking at now. I do hope that once election season comes around, we will be able to assemble a new parliament that will be able to think alike on the issues that are currently on the Mushroom Kingdom.
Representatives that opposed the ideas of the Toad Minister have similarly reached out to us about the matter, with Yo C. Saur, Resident Representative of Yoshi Village on Lavalava Island, telling us the following:
I saw the fall of parliament coming a long time ago. The ideas that the Toad Minister had simply did not align with the needs of the people of the Mushroom Kingdom, the ideas for new immigration policies included. I saw that, and the majority of parliament saw it as well, so it is no surprise that we find ourselves in this predicament. Once election season comes around in November, I have full confidence that the people of the Mushroom Kingdom will have what it takes to craft together a new parliament that has what it takes to cater to their needs.
The Toad Minister has refused to reach out to us for comments on the matter, but it has been confirmed that the currently demissionary parliament will continue to govern the Mushroom Kingdom under Princess Peach's rule until the parliamentary elections in November come around. Several politicians/political party leaders from across the Mushroom Kingdom have already done their bid at becoming the next prime minister, with their campaigns being planned out and everything. We at The 'Shroom will have more news on this political brawl as it develops.
Written by: ClawgripFan9001 (talk)
Yar, greetings an' salutations, fellow sports enthusiasts! It be me, that sports news providin' pirate, ClawgripFan9001! It be August, which means summer be in its final stages, an' dependin' on where ye be livin' in the world, summer be gettin' unbearably 'ot! So fer those o' ye that be dealin' with unbearably 'ot summers, I be 'opin that ye'll find some coolin' in me coverage o' this month's sports news!
So this month, me expedition 'as led me ta the frozen north o' the Mushroom Kingdom, specifically Shiver City, where its residents were gettin' geared up fer a pretty dang aggressive game o' ice hockey! An' fer those that don't know what ice hockey be, lemme give ye a quick rundown! Ice hockey be a variant o' hockey played on an ice skatin' rink with lines an' markings specific ta the sport! Two teams o' six players, one bein' the goalie, fight it out usin' ice hockey sticks an' ice skates ta control, advance an' shoot a puck into the opposin' team's goal! Each goal be worth one point, an' the team with the most points by the end o' the game be declared the winner!
Yar, so now that we got the basics o' ice hockey outta the way, let's meet the teams that'll be playin' 'gainst each other t'day! We be in fer a real treat t'day as the Shiver City Penguins be takin' on the Crystal Palace Clubbas! Ever since the Crystal Palace 'as been uncovered by the legendary hero Mario durin' 'is quest ta free the Seven Star Spirits, the residents o' Shiver City an' the residents o' the Crystal Palace 'ave been goin' 'ead ta 'ead in ice hockey on a regular basis, an' t'day, the two teams be meetin' each other on the ice once more!
B'fore the game began, I was able ta get meself an interview with the mayor o' Shiver City, who proudly told me that ice hockey 'as been a part o' Shiver City's 'eritage fer generations now, an' the sport still gets practiced around this region o' the Mushroom Kingdom ta this very day. Ever since the Crystal King 'as been defeated by Mario, the residents o' Shiver City an' the residents o' the Crystal Palace 'ave been on rather friendly terms an' 'ave developed a friendly rivalry when it comes ta ice hockey, the mayor said ta me. Yar, that be soundin' promisin' in the game ta come!
So without further ado, let's get ready ta rumble on the ice skatin' rink an' play some ice hockey! Both teams be starin' each other down intensely as a Fishin' Lakitu comes down from the sky with the puck attached to its fishin' rod, it drops the puck on the ice an' quickly flies away...The Penguins play the puck an'...Game on!
The Penguins be makin' quick paced plays fer the Clubbas' net, an' with a strong smack o' the stick, one o' the Penguins' players makes a shot fer the net, an' 'e lands it! 1-0 fer the Penguins! But the Clubbas ain't gonna let that first goal off that easily, as the Clubbas' goalie hurls the puck back out onto the rink, with the Clubbas' players makin' more aggressive plays t'wards the goal than the Penguins, an' b'fore long, the Clubbas make it o'er ta the Penguins' goal, an' with one aggressive smack, the puck is put into the Penguins' goal, tyin' up the score at 1-1!
Now that the score 'as been tied up, both teams be determined ta try an' gain the upper 'and in the fight, an' as the Penguins' goalie tosses the puck back out onto the rink, both teams go at it as they fight it out fer control o' the puck, with one o' the Clubbas' players hittin' one o' the Penguins' players, an' said Penguin player lets out a dirt eatin' grin as if sayin': “This be where the fun begins.” Ice hockey players be like Anakin Skywalker, if Anakin Skywalker were an ice hockey player an' brought 'is aggression onto the ice hockey rink instead o' a galatic battlefield.
The Penguins an' the Clubbas keep goin' at it fer a while b'fore the Clubbas eventually manage ta gain the upper 'and in the fight as they gain control o'er the puck an' with some more aggressive plays, manage ta get the puck into the Penguins' net! 2-1 fer the Clubbas! The Clubbas' players 'igh five each other at a job well done, but the game be far from o'er, mateys! The Penguins get the puck outta the net an' back onto the ice, an' they begin playin' the puck as quick as they can, with the puck bein' slammed into the Clubbas' net b'fore long! The score be tied up once again at 2-2! All o' the Clubbas' players go on the defense fer the time bein', but the first period o' the game already be o'er!
After a good 5 minutes, the preparations fer the second period o' the game 'ave been made, so the second period now be on the way! The Clubbas' players once again be makin' aggressive plays fer their opponents' goal, an' manage ta get it in there! 3-2 fer the Clubbas! The Penguins compliment the Clubbas fer their aggressive plays as they put the puck back onto the ice, an' the Clubbas be takin' the compliments ta 'eart, as they be makin' some more aggressive plays as they manage ta get the puck back into the Penguins' net! 4-2 fer the Clubbas!
The Penguins be fallin' behind, but that ain't stoppin' 'em from givin' it their all in the remainder o' the game! The Penguins quickly get the puck outta their net, an' then they go an' make their signature quick paced plays, which gets the puck o'er ta the Clubbas' net, an' they land it! 4-3! The Clubbas grab the puck, thwack it back out onto the ice, an' the teams go at it once more ta try an' gain control o'er the puck! The Penguins be gainin' control o'er the puck, so they play it t'wards the Clubbas' goal once more, with the quick paced plays bein' too much fer the Clubbas' goalie ta 'andle, allowin' the puck ta travel into the goal once more! 4-4!
With the score once again bein' tied up, both teams are gonna need ta give it their all if they wanna try ta gain the upper 'and on the opponent! The Clubbas once again be playin' rather aggressively, whereas the Penguins be playin' quickly! Let's find out which play style is gonna emerge victorious as we try ta get the score outta a tie!
The Penguins be makin' a mad dash fer the Clubbas' goal, an' it be lookin' like the shot is gonna land, but the Clubbas' goalie be 'avin' other plans, as 'e sends the puck away from the goal! Next, the Clubbas be makin' an aggressive dash fer the Penguins' goal, determined ta get the puck into the net, but the Penguins' goalie similarly be refusin' ta yield, so 'e smacks the puck back out onto the rink! The puck continues ta go back an' forth 'cross the ice! In fact, it goes back an' forth fer so long that the second period be o'er! The teams be leavin' the ice fer a bit as they go ta grab some rest, while the spectators be leavin' ta grab a bite ta eat an' somethin' ta drink too!
I soon find meself at the game's concession stand, munchin' on a fish dog, Shiver City's equivalent o' the hot dog, along with a pipin' 'ot cup o' chocolate milk. As I'm enjoyin' me food an' drink, I suddenly find meself in an interview with Merle o' Starborn Valley, who came ta check out the ice hockey game at Shiver City t'day. Merle tells me that when 'e ain't busy with watchin o'er the Star Kids in Starborn Valley, 'e be likin' ta check out the ice hockey games that take place 'round the region. Merle also be addin' that 'e be 'appy that the people o' Shiver City an' the people o' the Crystal Palace be able ta foster some form o' peace through these ice hockey games, as the people o' the Crystal Palace 'adn't 'ad any kind of social interactions with the outside world up until Mario came ta the Crystal Palace. I do be understandin' Merle's joy that Shiver City an' the Crystal Palace be able ta find friendship in their love fer ice hockey. People bein' able ta connect through sports is always a good thing, regardless o' where in the Mushroom World ye be livin'. Anyway, I be thankin' Merle fer the interview, an' Merle be thankin' me fer coverin' t'day's ice hockey game.
After break time's o'er, the teams take ta the ice once more fer the final period o' the game, an' with the scoreboard still bein' tied up at 4-4, both teams are gonna 'ave ta do their stinkin' best ta get the scoreboard off the tie! The Fishin' Lakitu from b'fore be comin' down once more with the puck attached ta its fishin' rod, an' both teams be starin' each other down as they await the puck ta be dropped onto the ice. The Fishin' Lakitu drops the puck onto the ice an' quickly takes off ta allow the game ta continue. The Penguins once again be the first ta play the puck, an' they quickly set off fer the Clubbas' goal.
Once they get ta the Clubbas' goal, the Penguins put the puck inside, tippin' the scoreboard in their favor at 5-4! The Clubbas give the Penguins a playful smirk as they toss the puck back out onto the ice, with the Clubbas quickly gettin' a hold o' the puck as they start makin' a mad dash fer the Penguins' goal, but the Penguins' goalie be quick ta keep the puck from gettin' into the goal, an' 'e quickly be sendin' the puck back onto the ice! The Penguins gain control o'er the puck once more, so they set off fer the Clubbas' goal again, an' they get the puck in there! 6-4 fer the Penguins!
We then skip forward ta the end o' the game, where the score currently be standin' at 7-7! The Penguins be currently 'avin' control o'er the puck, with one o' their forwards bein' at a short distance o' the Clubbas' goal. An' this be it, with the victory on the line, 'ere's the snap! The Penguin shoots 'is shot...Goal! 8-7 fer the Penguins! The Penguins win! The Penguins win! The Penguins win! The Penguins an' their fans rejoice in their victory while the Clubbas an' their fans congratulate the Penguins on a game well played!
After the game concluded, I tried ta get a 'old o' one o' the Clubbas' people fer an interview, but unfortunately, the Clubbas an' their fans 'ad ta leave fer the Crystal Palace an' didn't 'ave time fer an interview! Yar, it be a shame, but I understand that interviews with the losers can't always be 'appenin'. But that be all there be fer this month's sports news, mateys! 'Opefully ye enjoyed this ice cold sports news, an' that it did a good job at coolin' ye off if ye be dealin' with 'ot summer weather! This 'as been ClawgripFan9001, an' I 'ope ta see ye next month with more sports news, where we'll be visitin' a place full o' fightin'!
Hocotate Daily
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from Hocotate Daily, bringing news from beyond the stars since 2001.
Rescue Corps Accused of Destroying Planet's Ecosystem
Controversy erupted late on Friday evening, Standard Universal Time, as, during an exclusive live interview with Space Broadcast Inc. reporter Muggs, Chet, leader of the Research Task Force, revealed the contents of a formal report concluding regions of the recently discovered planet PNF-404 are undergoing "extensive ecosystem collapse" and, further, that there is "evidence enough to conclude the actions of the Rescue Corps underlie this collapse". According to the detailed, twenty-four page report, regions of the planet known to have been searched by the Rescue Corps during the organization's recent mission on the planet are "nearly entirely devoid of aboveground wildlife or signs of their activity". Typically, according to claims in the report which have been corroborated by independent sources familiar with the planet and the records of the Rescue Corps, these regions teem with unusual alien fauna such as Bulborbs, Swooping Snitchbugs, and Peckish Aristocrabs. Now, however, these large creatures are no longer present in their former habitat and show no signs of returning.
When approached by Hocotate Daily for further comments on the Research Task Force's accusations, Chet had the following to say:
What our study of the planet uncovered is truly shocking and concerning. A planet teeming with life, unknown to science until recently, now faces extirpation of multiple species across multiple regions and habitats. We're witnessing full ecosystem collapse in effect. The removal of keystone species such as Sheargrubs, which previously kept Burgeoning Spiderwort populations from outcompeting and pushing out diverse collections of flora, and the loss of critical top-level predators such as Bulborbs, are having serious second-order effects on the local ecology. Currently, we're seeing the population of Pikmin boom in the absence of natural predators, but as the population stresses local supplies of Honeywisps and Pellet Posies, we're on-track for a devastating collapse. The most concerning - horrific, even - part about this is that evidence paints a clear picture of this all resulting from the Rescue Corps' reckless and poorly thought-through handling of the wildlife on this planet, attacking them not only in the day, but at night as well, when the planet's wildlife is most active.
In the full interview, Chet explained that the matter had been brought to the Research Task Force's attention by Dalmo, a self-described "wildlife enthusiast" from Sozor, who apparently returned to PNF-404 after the Rescue Corps completed their mission. Upon returning to the planet, Dalmo noticed the conspicuous absence of fauna in regions explored by the Rescue Corps. Dalmo subsequently alerted the Research Task Force, which launched an investigation.
In response to the accusations, the Rescue Corps has gone on record confirming the report's description of its activity matches its internal logs of the mission. However, the Rescue Corps has defended its actions on PNF-404, calling the report's findings "regrettable" but arguing that its actions were justified and this result was "unavoidable when weighed against the imperative to save lives". Speaking to Hocotate Daily after the interview's airing, Captain Shepherd of the Rescue Corps had the following to say:
I haven't read the Research Task Force's findings fully, but I trust their work. If they say there's a concerning collapse, there is one. What's not right is the report calling my crew's actions reckless and poorly thought out. We take our commitment to preserving wildlife seriously. We even help wild creatures when it's possible! What this report doesn't consider are the split-second decisions that have to be made in rescue work. When a giant hostile creature guards a castaway who could be minutes away or days away from their life support failing, or when a member of your crew is endangered by a gigantic insect spitting rocks, you have to make the tough decision to prioritize the safety of your crew and the ones you've pledged to rescue. The regions we explored were dangerous, and that danger tripled during the night. We did what we had to do to get everyone off that planet safely, and we didn't take our decisions lightly.
Already, the report has set off a firestorm, with conservationist groups and wildlife enthusiasts calling for the Rescue Corp to face legal repercussions and for strengthening of interstellar conservation laws. Others have come to the defense of the Rescue Corps, including castaways brought back from PNF-404 during the organization's mission. For a greater journalistic perspective on the matter, Hocotate Daily turns to its reporter from Flukuey, Pitihoodle, and its reporter from Nijo, Shoetzu.
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Having read over the Research Task Force's report, I have to say I find that they have been very unfair towards the Rescue Corps. While I concede the reports of the environmental ramifications of the Rescue Corps' last expedition are troubling, I feel they are simply the unfortunate ramifications of a deeply complex and unique mission, as opposed to an operational failure on the part of the Rescue Corps. We have to remember that the primary purpose of the Rescue Corps is to save stranded castaways on uncharted planets. While, yes, they should take precautions not to disturb the natural ecosystem of the planets they work on, their primary objective is to secure the safety of those who need to be rescued. Now, that's hard enough when it's a handful of people who need to be rescued on an uncharted planet, but due to the fever caused by Captain Olimar's SOS signal revealing a new, thoroughly undiscovered planet, it wasn't just a single rescue. It was dozens of castaways from around the galaxy who found themselves stranded on PNF-404, many of whom found themselves infected with a strange parasite turning them into hybrid plant-men. At that point, how can the Rescue Corps be expected to worry about environmental concerns when they were quite simply overwhelmed with search and rescue operations? That's not even getting into the dangers that faced them on PNF-404, a planet full of wildly dangerous wildlife such as giant disco spiders who could crush a Hocotatian with ease, strange stone men who could smash a man into the ground, and giant bread-shaped bugs attempting to pull these castaways into their nests. That's not even including the rumors that some of castaways were actively working against the Rescue Corps. If anything, it's a good thing they discovered these Pikmin because, without them, I don't see how they would have managed to safely rescue all fifty castaways. The Research Task Force admonishes the Rescue Corps for the unintended act of allowing the Pikmin population to overtake many of the surrounding areas, but what exactly were they supposed to do? They were dealing with giant aggressive creatures attempting to eat them! Should they have not tried to rescue those in need? Not only do I not fault the Rescue Corps, I think they did a commendable job in an extremely difficult situation, a situation where dozens of people were trapped on a planet that, until recently, nobody knew anything about. We're talking a planet full of not only giant man-eating creatures, but also fire, poison, and many other elements. Venturing on a planet with zero information on any local threats, then becoming swamped with rescues from people foolishly attempting to explore this unmarked planet, the Rescue Corps managed to rescue everybody without losing a single man! And they did this while also bringing back dozens upon dozens of specimens to be examined. It was a very difficult situation and I feel the Rescue Corps handled it perfectly! |
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Let me tell you something, Shoetzu, I've read this report, and I've read the mission logs from the Rescue Corps, and as hard as this is for me to say, about an organization that does such good, I think there needs to be some kind of consequences for the Rescue Corps here. Now, mind you, they lived up to their name. They rescued a lot of good people. Are these whispers of criminal charges that I'm hearing warranted? Absolutely not. The Rescue Corps had to make difficult decisions in a dangerous situation, and they retrieved every single castaway from PNF-404 safely and effectively. We do need to consider the mitigating circumstances here. But I still see failures here, Shoetzu, failures to lay out specific policies and plans for dealing with dangerous wildlife. It's true that the Rescue Corps has stated they try to preserve wildlife, but they have no specific policies in place to that effect, nothing that provides insight into how they protect and preserve wildlife when possible. What evaluations are being used to decide when wildlife poses such a threat it has to be eliminated versus when it can be left alone? Is the Rescue Corps making an attempt to estimate the sizes of populations of the creatures they encounter? I can't even find mention of which creatures were commonly encountered versus rarely encountered. All of this tells me that it's time for a policy update to increase accountability, and, sadly, it may take fines and financial penalties to spur that update. Let's not get carried away prosecuting an organization that worked diligently to bring home dozens of explorers, but let us also send a message that we expect more transparency and accountability from organizations which run into conflict with wildlife. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Hooded Pitohui, Shy Guy on Wheels, and InsaneBlathers
Dear Waluigi Time,
I've been thrust into running an awards show without any chance for prior preparation! Not all of us have the charisma and natural charm of hosts like Teller Vision, so what do I do? There are schedules to work out, guests to invite, gaps to plug, and I'm running out of time! I'm stalling by handing out this infinite supply of party hats discounted for having a hole in their lower left corner, but I need help and I need it fast! What do I do?
Yours truly,
The Host Without the Most
Okay, here's a neat little tip. You can be a terrible host, but nobody's going to notice as long as you throw in enough distractions!
Flashing lights and moving parts are the name of the game. Just go all-in on sensory overload, and everyone will be so impressed that they won't even notice that the entire show is half an hour behind schedule, or that you didn't even invite half of the people on the guest list, or that the stage is made entirely out of cardboard! I mean, hopefully things won't go that bad, but you know, if they do, no one will be paying attention to it anyway. Probably. Anyway, it's a good distraction to free up room for you to scramble all the other things together. Just be prepared to get medical attention for your guests if those lights get a bit too flashy, or moving parts become dislodged and hit someone, or you have a firework accident...
You could also always try the fake it 'til you make it strategy! Who needs actual charisma? Just ACT like you have charisma! The audience will buy it if you buy it. If all else fails, just pretend it didn't fail! You're not an uncharismatic host, you were just acting like one! You know, for entertainment purposes. It's just a character, and you did such a good job that everyone totally bought it! So who's the real winner here?
Also, don't underestimate the ability of underlings! Delegate as much work as you can to everyone else working on the show. Works every time.
Happy hosting!
Dear Waluigi Time,
I've recently been invited to this awards show, and the host keeps on offering people these party hats for free. I took one because I love to get in the party spirit, but I quickly ran into a problem, the hat has a hole in the bottom left corner! I am at a loss as to what to do with this hat now. Should I try returning the hat? Do you think there's a way to fix it? I find your wisdom is always useful in such trying times.
Sincerely, a party goer.
Not to worry, party goer! I have quite a bit of experience with party hats with holes in the bottom left corner myself. I like it, though. It adds to the charm.
For you, though, and anyone else dissatisfied with the level of intactness of their party hat, I have a plan. I don't believe it myself, but I hear there's a common superstition that if there's a hole in your party hat, the fun leaks out! And who wants less fun? Not me. Okay, so this plan involves tape, and potentially minimum levels of cunning and a semi-convincing disguise.
First, you need to get a second party hat. If the host will let you take another one, then just do that. But maybe they won't! Maybe they're strictly sticking to one party hat per person, and they're really good at remembering a face. This is where that cunning and, uh, disguisedness comes in. You'll need to make sure they don't recognize you the second time around. Something like a pair of sunglasses and fake mustache ought to do the trick, but if you want to go more elaborate with it, or have shapeshifting powers or something, feel free to. Also, don't wear the first party hat while doing this. It's a dead giveaway. Alternatively, go the stealth route and yoink a hat when the host isn't looking.
Once you have two party hats, tape them together, using the second one to fill in the hole on the first one. Ta-da, a perfectly intact party hat! Now you're ready to party!
Party on, friend!
Dear Waluigi Time,
Please, help! Recently, my friend has been acting strange. Every time he does something, it seems like he isn't himself. It almost feels a group of people is bumming around inside his head, putting everything he does to a vote. This morning, he went to the fridge, then asked me if I liked rats, before proceeding to unplug the toaster and walk out of the room with it! How do I get him to stop this concerning behavior?
- Danny
Oh yeah, I've heard of that. Most people don't know this, but I actually attended medical school. It was only one time, and I accidentally wandered into the class after horribly botching some directions, but it still counts!
It's a rare, but not unheard of, phenomenon for an individual's brain cells to actually democratize. Telltale symptoms are inconsistent or erratic behavior, and awkwardly standing in place doing nothing for a prolonged period of time before making a decision. You're probably not a brain surgeon, but luckily, it's a fairly easy fix. Just trick your friend's brain cells into thinking they've already voted! You know how when you go to vote, they usually give you like a sticker or a pin or something that says you voted? Just make some food and decorate it to look like one of those. For best results, use thin, circular foods that are kept to a reasonably small size. I recommend cookies. Once your friend eats them, the votingness will go into his bloodstream, and make its way to the brain, so his brain cells will think they already voted. Make sure to do this daily for a couple weeks, and eventually the problem will go away! Unless they vote not to eat it, then, well, you might have to resort to more drastic measures...
That didn't come from the class I was in, by the way. I read it in a magazine once! Pretty sure it's all good info, though.
Or your friend is being mind-controlled by aliens. Purchase tin foil.
Now you get to vote on whether you'll take my advice!
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where the building might as well be held together with duct tape! There's not actually any tape, but things are in kind of a rough state after last month's match, and repairs are expensive, so I've decided to just leave it for now. Those holes in the ceiling let in a lot of nice fresh air though, don't they? Anyway, I'm Waluigi Time, et cetera. Let's get things rolling!
Our first fighter is the Spooky Slag, the Pebbles of the Paranormal, BOULDERGEIST!
No need to give this ghoul a hand, it's already got two big ones. It can summon stalagmites from the ground and toss boulders, and the punches and crush attacks from those giant hands can be devastating! The stony armor surrounding Bouldergeist is pretty tough, and requires strong attacks to break through, like explosives, which Bouldergeist so kindly supplies in the form of Bomb Boos! Seriously, why does everyone bring their weakness along or have it built into their arena? That just seems like you're trying to lose.
And in this corner, who you probably already saw a while ago because how can you miss him, it's the Lord of Lightning, the Ancient Assailant, RUINED DRAGON!
Despite what you might expect, this guy is very much a one-trick pony- er, dragon. And that trick is electricity! Whether it's sending electrical waves and buzzsaws across the floor or electrifying his own head for a crushing blow, his battle strategy is quite shocking! But uh, yeah, that's basically it. Although when you're a massive dragon, I guess you can do whatever you want to. Much like his rocky opponent, the Ruined Dragon also keeps his weak point obscured, beneath a crown held in place by metal pins. He must have a thick hide to be able to manage that, I don't think I'd want to screw my hat on.
Predictions, predictions, I predict that I won't predict anything! Ta-da! Wait, I can't tell if that's accurate or not... Oh, whatever. Let's just start the match. No Daredevil Comets here!
Starting the match off, Bouldergeist gets right to work summoning boulders from nowhere in particular! It hurls them at the pins on the Ruined Dragon's head, knocking them loose and already exposing his weak point! The Dragon retaliates with an electrical attack, sending buzzsaws and shockwaves all over the place! Unfortunately for Bouldergeist, it just so happens to be immobile, making it a sitting duck. Really put all your stock in that rocky armor, huh? Despite the electricity coursing through it, Bouldergeist's exterior only appears to be a little loosened by the attack. Ready to make use of that weak point, Bouldergeist brings in the Bomb Boos, which head straight for their target! The Ruined Dragon's not about to let them go for it though, electrifying his head and slamming down into the ring, detonating the Bomb Boos before they reach his weak point! What's more, the force of the slam absolutely shreds Bouldergeist's exterior, leaving it nothing but a sad little... uvula ghost. A quick electrical buzzsaw is all that the Ruined Dragon needs to take Bouldergeist down, destroying what appeared to be an early lead for the ghost!
Bouldergeist isn't done yet though, reforming with a fancy new pair of hands! It's still anyone's match, folks! The Ruined Dragon's weak spot is still exposed, if Bouldergeist can get a good hit in that's a chance to level the playing field! The Ruined Dragon is ready to bring a quick end to the match though, electrifying his head again! This could be game over for Bouldergeist - but wait, it summons stalagmites underneath the Ruined Dragon, stunning him and preventing him from landing the attack! What a play! Bouldergeist takes the opportunity to summon more boulders and hurls them at the dazed Dragon's head! If it keeps up this momentum, it just might be able to come back from this!
The Ruined Dragon isn't happy about that, though! As he recovers, Bouldergeist repeats its stalagmite attack to prevent him from getting that slam attack off again. Good strategy, not very good entertainment! The Ruined Dragon sends more electricity coursing through the ring with greater intensity than last time, but still doing little to stop Bouldergeist. The rocky ghost uses his new hands to pluck the regenerated pins from the Ruined Dragon's head, exposing his weak spot again! He goes in for a punch, but the Dragon quickly ducks out of the way and uses the opening to slam his head on the ring floor, destroying Bouldergeist's outer shell once more! And the fists, somehow, even though they weren't even close by! As the now-helpless Bouldergeist aimlessly floats around the arena, the Ruined Dragon sends in more electricity! Can Bouldergeist dodge long enough to regenerate? No it cannot! Another buzzsaw, and that's the end for our stony competitor! Ruined Dragon wins!
With its foe defeated, the Ruined Dragon goes for a little victory flight and - hey, that's the ceiling! Uhh, I think we need to evacuate, so thanks for coming if you have suggestions for next time let us know okay bye!!!
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace (talk)
BOWSER’S CASTLE-WHERE VACATIONS GO TO DIE...
Hello everybody! Cosmo here with a travel brochure hot off the presses! Literally, my paws are burning right now. I would like to offer my sincerest apologies to anybody who followed my advice and visited Cheep Cheep Beach. I seriously didn’t know it was under Bowser’s control.
Anyway, since I have spent the last few weeks in a dungeon I have not gotten any chances to visit hot vacation spots. However, I wasn’t going to let the small detail of being trapped in a small space in a heavily guarded hallway and facing slavery stop me from writing a travel guide for my three and a half fans! So today, I bring you the ultimate travel guide to Bowser’s Castle.
Attractions
Bowser’s Castle has many activities for a tourist to try. There’s kidnapping, torture, Thwomp racing, and even a meet-and-greet with some of Bowser’s minions, like Red Koopa Troopa, Fire Bro, and Goomba Tower! I enjoyed polishing Bowser’s cutlery and begging for mercy.
If you’re really lucky, Bowser may decide to enslave you! This opens up activities such as: cleaning toilets, building walls, hiding mushrooms in blocks, being a training dummy, and even joining the army! Woohoo! (Send help)
Food
Bowser’s Castle offers a wide selection of foods…In the banquet hall. Regular tourists (Kamek calls them “Commoners”) will have to settle for whatever they can scavenge. My favorites were unidentified charcoal meat thing, beef jerky, and rats. This place is a vegetarian’s nightmare.
Transport
The only way to get to Bowser’s Castle quickly is to get captured. Try dressing up as Mario or Luigi, or move to Toad Town.
Weather
Bowser’s Castle is expected to have sinister looking clouds from Monday to Tuesday, acid rain on Wednesday, meteor showers on Thursday to Friday, and relatively safe on the weekend. If you can survive poison gases, that is. So I would recommend not travelling here on Monday to Sunday. Good luck.
Souvenirs
Bowser’s Castle has some of the best souvenirs around!
| Toy Koopa Clown Car | ||
|---|---|---|
|
A toy recreation of King Bowser’s famous vehicle. It has all sorts of doodads that can come out of various areas, like boxing gloves from the side, bombs from the bottom, and a coffee maker! | |
| PRICE: | 600 Coins | |
| Building Block Bowser | ||
|---|---|---|
|
A huge Bowser model made out of tiny plastic bricks. It’s really cool, but also very fragile. | |
| PRICE: | 230 Coins | |
| Koopa Tuxedo | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This is a high-quality pure white tuxedo worn by Koopas on special occasions. It is made for all sizes. Even comes with a hole at the back for your shell. If you don’t have one though, it might look a bit weird… | |
| PRICE: | 2000 coins plus 1000 for a hat | |
Reviews
- “Haha! This was great. I enjoyed every bit of it. Especially the food. #obvioussarcasmisobvious” -1/10 - Francis_Is_Cool
- “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!” AAAH/10 - Weegeenumberone
- “It felt just like home… What else can I say?” 10/10 Son_of_the_king
Conclusion
Welp, there you have it. The travel guide to Bowser’s Castle. It should make for many happy memories, if you enjoy pain. Just remember Sunshine Travel Agency is not responsible for injury and trauma caused by a visit to Bowser’s Castle. If you have a suggestion for a location or section to add to this travel guide, you can contact me on the forums. And with that, I will now use my feline skills to escape the dungeon. Until next time, TheBlueCatMenace out!
To: ‘Shroom Staff
Cc: Quizzical Melonballer
Subject: Quizmelon update…
Greetings, ‘Shroom Staff! This is Professor E. Gadd, from the Mushroom Kingdom. I’ve been told you should know who I am from the Luigi’s Mansion games which have reached your world, and so you think I’m fictional. Well let me assure you - I’m not! Real as real, ripe as rain. (And I should say those games grossly exaggerate the importance of Luigi’s role in those adventures. As it happens I was rather more than just a lab assistant in real life, believe you me. But don’t let me yap on about that!)
I’m writing to provide a progress report on the efforts to restore your television columnist Quizmelon to your dimension; as you know I’ve been leading the charge with that. We’ve been working with a group of whipsmart Toad boffins who’ve done a bit of the old transdimensional venturing before, and according to them it’s hardly a piece of cake; takes some time to build a working portal, and even then it’s only single-use - one trip there, one trip back, then the whole thing vanishes into thin air. The portal Quizmelon took, however, seems to have disappeared, which is rather a conundrum, wouldn’t you say?
Anyhow, we’re not busying ourselves too much with that little puzzle for now; we’re putting all our oomph into researching and building a new portal. It’s rather hard work, I tell you, but we’re all systems go here. Well, most of us, I should say. To be honest, Quizmelon hasn’t really been as involved as I’d like. Of course, he’s rather busy with his TV Tomorrow live shows, they’re doing absolutely raving business, not my sort of thing really but each to his own, I suppose. He’s a sort of celebrity figure here, you know! I do worry that it’s gone to his head, though; he’s become rather difficult to deal with, bit too pleased with himself for his own good if you ask me, and he barely does any work for anyone but himself. Also whenever he actually does pop round to the lab he invariably steals my milk from the fridge. (Don’t worry; although I’ve cc’ed him in, he won’t bother to read this. I can be as scathing as I like in here, heh heh! And he’ll be back in your world soon enough anyway.)
Oh - before I forget! Quizmelon asked me to send you the script of one of his shows for this month, to serve as your August issue TV Tomorrow column I think? Don’t see why he couldn’t’ve done it himself, really, but oh well. He also wanted me to write an introduction and conclusion for him but I quite frankly can’t be bothered with that. I’ve got enough work to do, and not enough milk to drink it with! Ho! But here it is below, all the same:
New: Daisy & Doug
MKBC1, 8pm
Genre: Sitcom
Riding high off her newfound popularity thanks to her Party Channel talk show Hi, I’m Daisy!!, Daisy stars as herself in this ‘odd couple’ sitcom. Enthusiastic Sarasaland princess Daisy and cynical blue-collar Koopa Bro worker Doug initially clash when they are forced to share an apartment, but eventually develop an unlikely friendship while dealing with life’s problems. It’s hardly an innovative premise, but it’s heightened by the chemistry of the two leads and the farcical quality of the writing, such as in tomorrow’s pilot episode where the two try to fix a leaky pipe. A rare comedy series which balances laugh and heart.
Waluiminal Space
MKBC3, 11pm
Genre: Experimental semiscripted docudrama
If you’re not into the traditional-style fare, though, then Waluiminal Space represents the other end of the spectrum, as the latest step in Waluigi’s evolution from Wario’s annoying sidekick into an avant-garde filmmaker (via his ‘wacky comedian’ phase). Waluiminal Space is a deeply experimental series in which Waluigi takes several films of himself moving around in a white void, films whose authenticity is deliberately called into question, as he explores himself through several different lenses and alter egos, and challenges the audience to reassess their perception of him. It’s a testament to Waluigi’s burgeoning talent as a cinematographer and a documentarian, which I have high hopes for in the future; I know he hasn’t been seen around these parts lately, but I’ve heard a rumour that it’s because he’s working on a big new project. (Surely he’s moved past his era of chaos-causing shenanigans by now.) Anyway, while we wait for that, this should be a solid promise of what’s to come.
Film: The Great Railroad Chase
MKBC2, 7pm
Genre: Western-style epic adventure film
It’s classic film night on MKBC2 tomorrow, and though it may be showing its age slightly technology-wise, tomorrow’s pick The Great Railroad Chase still proves to be one of the greatest ever adventure films, and perhaps the best Mushroom Kingdom Western (though of course here in the Mushroom Kingdom all the Wild West-type places are actually over in the east, so it doesn’t make any sense why you guys still call it the Wild West, but we can unpack that problem some other time). We follow Toadette, a young wealthy heiress who becomes stranded at a far-off station when a rogue outlaw steals her return train ticket in order to escape from justice. Together with some ragtag Shy Guy attendants, Toadette must journey along the wild and dangerous railroads to catch up with her express. A thrilling watch with a fabulous score, it’s a must-see cultural touchstone in this dimension.
Egad! My goodness! What’s that he’s saying about that old flick? A stolen return ticket? That must be it! After Quizmelon came through the portal, somebody else must have used his trip back, causing the portal to vanish! But hold on a moment, that doesn’t make any sense, it’s absurd to think that someone would just be coincidentally in the right place at the right time and manage to jump in without Quizmelon noticing… unless…!
Perhaps he took the return ticket! Which means somebody from this dimension originally built the portal! They went over and he took their trip back here! But oh no! This means that somebody must be trapped in your dimension too! It’s now of paramount importance that we sort this mess out! Apologies but I must now go, posthaste! There is urgent work to be done! But all the best with you!
- E Gadd
Professor Elvin Gadd
Senior Research Fellow
Research Center for Paranormal Activity and Strange Happenings
| The 'Shroom: Issue 197 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Issue 200: Open Reminder |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |