The 'Shroom:Issue 199/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Pumpkins glow in the night, skeletons rattle through the streets, and yet the scariest thing around here this month is the impending deadline for Issue 200. Spooky!
We've got all our usual Fake News offerings for you, with many of them taking on a Halloween twist! Consumer Corner returns after taking a couple of months off, and this time it's a special collaboration with MightyMario (talk)! If you read Palette Swap, you might be familiar with some of his past work, and if you don't read Palette Swap... well, why aren't you reading Palette Swap? It's fun. The Sunshine Travel Guide by TheBlueCatMenace (talk) is covering a location with a distinct lack of vitamin D rays, so it's appropriately been renamed The Moonlight Travel Guide for this month. In addition to our regular sections, be sure to read a guest submission of News Flush by TPG (talk) that just might drive you ratty!
It's hard to believe, but Issue 200 is next month! Yes, you heard me! The deadline for submissions is November 11th, so there's still roughly a month left to work on something. Whether you're a current or former writer, or never wrote before at all, I'm talking to you! You can write a new spin on an old section, or come up with something entirely new, and it can be a one-off or maybe the beginning of a recurring section. Most importantly, just because this is a milestone issue, that doesn't mean your section has to be a big spectacle if you don't want it to be! Plenty of smaller sections have captured the hearts of readers over the years, and as they say, brevity is the soul of wit. What's most important is pouring out your creativity! Everything you need to get started is on our sign up page, and if you have any questions or want to work an idea out, please feel free to reach out. I sincerely hope you'll consider contributing something of your own for the big milestone!
Section of the Month
Everything's coming up roses for TheBlueCatMenace (talk), who took first place this month with coverage of Rose Town in The Sunshine Travel Guide! In second place, we have the almost-finale of Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, which apparently made a big impression with its big fighters! Finally, Dear Waluigi Time placed third with advice on sailing, the fish you may encounter while sailing, and asking questions that may or may not be sailing-related. Thank you for voting, and be sure to keep supporting our writers!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 15 | 29.41% | TheBlueCatMenace (talk) |
| 2nd | Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown | 12 | 23.53% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | Dear Waluigi Time | 9 | 17.65% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
BRIEF TERROR AS RATS SWARM THE CITY
The end of days was feared to be upon us yesterday, as an onslaught of rodents seemed to appear from thin air near residential areas. City officials later confirmed the number of rats was roughly equal to the population of the city. Could these invaders have been trying to replace us? The rats attacked residents instinctively, though their diabolical design seemed to have left them with a case of short-sightedness - many claimed to have found safety just by standing about 20 ratlengths away.
Sightings were reported in New Wikisburg and New Princeton - the latter of which is home to a number of infamous animal farms, which allegedly began producing a high volume of pelts. The staff of the Paillassan Cheese Caves confirmed three missing persons, and a significant reduction in stock.
Hikers in the far-off region of Camp Sedonia reported high volumes of rat all across the grounds, disrupting a ceremonial game of hockey. The braver players claimed to have squashed some of the vermin themselves, though ran into trouble when the rats began to hide amongst the crops and inside vending machines. One happy camper had a nasty surprise when ordering their favourite ramune!
Tension reached an all-time high when the Bureau of Rat discovered that this species was not only carrying diseases harmful to citizens, but were capable of burrowing into sediment to hibernate and wait for unsuspecting excavators. In fact, careful analysis showed that the attributes of these 'rats' were more in line with certain primitive insects than any small mammal.
The city's saving grace, a strange hero who remains unnamed, restored order by politely asking for everything to go back to normal. Questions remain about what power could vanquish literal seas of rodents, but this reporter remains grateful that he can even write this article without the pen turning into a rat.
No one knows for sure what kind of being would unleash such circumstances upon us, but sources have confirmed he is very sorry and that it probably won't happen again. We can only hope this source is reliable.
Written by: ClawgripFan9001 (talk)
Yar, that be me fellow sports enthusiasts? Yar, it be! I be ClawgripFan9001, yer sports lovin' sailor friend, ready ta bring ye the scoop on me October Edition o' the Sport Report! It be 'ard ta believe it be October already, an' it also be 'ard ta believe this be the final issue b'fore the big milestone that be Issue 200 will be upon us! I never woulda thought that I'd join The 'Shroom fer this momentous milestone, but I be grateful that I get ta be a part o' the occasion! I can tell ye right now though that I won't be doin' anythin' special fer Issue 200 compared ta me fellow 'Shroom writers, though I did 'ave somethin' special planned fer Issue 200. Unfortunately, with 'ow big that special issue was gonna be, I realized I wouldn't get it done in time fer Issue 200, so instead, I decided ta go with a more simple backup plan fer Issue 200, since I been told that it don't matter if I don't send in somethin' special fer Issue 200, as long as I send in anythin' at all. But don't worry, mateys, fer the special issue I originally planned fer Issue 200 will be saved fer a later time. Anyway, I be gettin' off track now, let's take a look at t'day's sports news!
This month, me quest fer sports news brought me ta the mysterious Vibe Island, specifically, ta Shriek Mansion, where I found its inhabitants gettin' ready fer a high stakes game o' bowlin'! Fer this game o' bowlin', Team Mario, consistin' o' Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach an' Toad were preparin' ta take on Team King Boo, consistin' o' King Boo, Petey Piranha, Wiggler an' Gooper Blooper!
Now lemme explain ye 'ow this game o' bowlin' is gonna work: Both teams will be takin' turns rollin' the ball, with Team Mario sendin' out one member first, then Team King Boo sendin' out one member, an' this goes back an' forth 'til each member on each team 'as gone at least ten turns. The team that 'as garnered the most points at the end o' the game will be declared the winner.
B'fore the game started, I was also able ta get an interview outta King Boo 'imself. King Boo told me that 'e be excited ta challenge Mario an' 'is friends in a game o' bowlin' at 'is own turf, an' 'e feels that with powerhouses like Petey Piranha, Wiggler an' Gooper Blooper on 'is team, there ain't no way that 'e will be losin' this game. Yar, I do be 'opin that that overconfidence won't end up bein' King Boo's downfall, but it remains ta be seen fer the time bein'.
Yar, with that outta the way, let's play some bowlin'! Up first fer Team Mario, it be Mario 'imself! The red clad plumber steps up ta the bowlin' lane, grabs a ball, aims, an' rolls! The ball be 'eadin' right fer the pins, an' it collides! Six outta ten pins were 'it! Mario then goes in fer 'nother roll, an' 'e 'its the remainin' four pins! That be a spare fer Mario, an' that be 'bout ten points fer Team Mario currently!
Next up first fer Team King Boo, it be King Boo 'imself! The king o' the Boos makes 'is way up ta the bowlin' lane, grabs a ball an' sends it flyin' t'wards the pins! The ball 'its the pins, an' seven outta ten pins are knocked down! King Boo goes in fer 'is next roll, but unfortunately fer 'im, the ball goes into the gutter, leavin' Team King Boo with a current score o' seven points!
Luigi be goin' up next fer Team Mario, an' the green clad plumber grabs a ball from the rack, an' throws it at the pins! Yar, an' Luigi be gettin' a strike on 'is first turn! Well done ta Luigi! That be 'bout twenty points fer Team Mario! Petey Piranha be goin' up next fer Team King Boo, an' much like Luigi, 'e gets a strike on 'is first turn! Well done ta Petey Piranha as well, as 'e be givin' Team King Boo 'bout seventeen points currently!
Princess Peach be the next ta go up fer Team Mario, an' the princess o' the Mushroom Kingdom be puttin' all the strength she can muster into 'er throw, as she sends the ball down the bowlin' lane an' into the pins, knockin' down 'bout eight o' them! Unfortunately, she created what be known as the Split o' Doom in bowlin', which be makin' it 'ard ta try an' get a spare on this next roll! But that won't be discouragin' the princess from tryin', as she rolls 'nother ball down the lane, an' 'its one o' the two remainin' pins with it! That be 'bout twenty-nine points fer Team Mario currently!
Wiggler be the next ta go up fer Team King Boo, an' usin' 'is newly gained 'ands, Wiggler rolls the ball into the pins, successfully knockin' down nine o' them an' manages ta get a spare on 'is next roll! Team King Boo be 'ot on Team Mario's trail, with Team Mario currently leadin' with twenty-nine points an' Team King Boo followin' close behind with twenty-seven points!
Finally, it be Toad goin' up last fer Team Mario, an' our friendly neighborhood toadstool man be grabbin' a bowlin' ball from the rack, an' with all 'is might, he hurls it at the pins, an' knocks 'em all down without the ball even touchin' the ground! Yar, Toad be stronger than 'e looks, mateys! Anyway, that be a strike, which turns Team Mario's score up ta thirty-nine points!
Now it be time fer the final member o' Team King Boo, Gooper Blooper ta make 'is first throw, an' our big Blooper friend takes a ball outta the ball rack, readies, steadies, an' throws, an'...Gooper Blooper 'its all pins without the ball even touchin' the ground, much like Toad before 'im! Team King Boo still be drivin' right behind Team Mario on the scoreboard with thirty-seven points ta Team Mario's thirty-nine points!
Now, due ta time constraints, we 'ad ta skip a few turns ahead into the match, an' each team member on both teams be on their fifth turn currently, with Mario steppin' up ta the lane once more, grabbin' a ball, an' sendin' it rollin' down the lane! The ball be 'eadin' straight fer the pins, an' it lands! Nine outta ten pins be 'it, an' Mario goes in fer a second throw ta get the final pin down, an' 'e lands it as well! That be 'nother spare fer Mario, an' we tally it up ta Team Mario's score, which currently be standin' at 'bout a hundred-an'-ten points!
Next, King Boo be up fer 'is fifth throw, an' the king o' the Boos be determined ta defeat Mario an' 'is friends at all costs, so 'e throws 'is ball with all 'is might, an' manages ta knock down eight outta ten pins with it! King Boo then goes in fer 'nother throw, but misses the remainin' two pins completely! Yar, that be a shame, but King Boo still manages ta tally up eight points ta 'is team's score, which currently be standin' at 'bout a hundred-an'-seven points!
Luigi be goin' up next fer Team Mario again, an' our lean green machine throws 'is ball while stumblin' a bit, but it don't appear ta be 'inderin' the ball's journey down the lane, as Luigi once again manages ta get a strike, which means we be tallyin' up ten points ta Team Mario's score, which now be standin' at a hundred-an'-twenty points!
It be Petey Piranha's turn again now, an' the alleged leader o' the Piranha Plants sends the ball rollin' down the lane once more, an' much like Luigi before 'im, 'e manages ta get a strike, which means Team King Boo's score be goin' up ta a hundred-an'-seventeen points! Yar, well done ta ya, Petey!
Princess Peach be goin' up fer 'er fifth turn next, an' the princess 'as 'ad a rather lackluster game so far, an' now that the game be 'alfway through, she be determined ta turn 'er game 'round fer the better! With that said, Princess Peach grabs a ball, throws it, an' manages ta land a knockin' on the pins, takin' down six outta ten pins! The princess then goes in fer 'er next throw, an' knocks down three o' the four remainin' pins, which means we be tallyin' up nine more points ta Team Mario's score, which now be standin' at a hundred-an'-twenty-nine points!
Yar, now it be Wiggler's turn again! Our bad-tempered caterpillar friend sends the ball tumblin' down the lane, an' manages ta knock down five outta ten pins! Wiggler then goes in fer 'is second throw, an' manages ta knock down three more pins, tallyin' up 'nother eight points ta Team King Boo's score, currently standin' at a hundred-an'-twenty-five points!
Next, it be Toad again, who's been the talk o' the game fer 'is huge throws an' 'is amazingly bizarre behavior! Ye'll see what I mean in just a moment, mateys! Toad be throwin' the ball through the air, an' once again manages ta knock down all ten pins without the ball even touchin' the ground! That be a strike fer Toad, who be startin' ta do a bull dance by grabbin' a stick horse outta nowhere an' ridin' it as if it were a bull! Yar, some people be findin' that Toad be actin' like a dang fool, but I find it quite amusin' meself! Anyway, ten points are tallied onto Team Mario's score, keepin' 'em in the lead at a hundred-an'-thirty-nine points!
Gooper Blooper be up fer 'is fifth turn now, an' like Toad before 'im, 'e sends the ball flyin' through the air an' lands it without it touchin' the floor! Gooper Blooper be gettin' a strike, an' the supposed leader o' the Bloopers be shakin' 'is tentacles in a celebratory manner as 'is teammates be cheerin' 'im on! Team King Boo still be trailin' behind Team Mario at a hundred-an'-thirty-five points!
Once again, due ta time constraints, we 'ad ta skip 'nother few turns ahead into the match, an' now we be lookin' at the final turn fer each member o' each team. Mario once again be steppin' up first fer 'is own team, an' our hero in red be takin' 'is last ball outta the rack, 'e throws it, an' lands a strike on those pins! Yar, ten points are bein' tallied up ta Team Mario's score, which currently stands at two-hundred-an'-five points!
King Boo be the next ta step up fer 'is own team once more, an' this ghostly king be takin' 'is last ball outta the rack as well, an' like Mario, 'e manages ta land a strike on the pins, which means ten points get tallied up ta Team King Boo's score, tyin' the score up at two-hundred-an'-five points!
Luigi then steps up fer Team Mario, an' like 'is brother, gets a strike, turnin' the score up ta two-hundred-an'-fifteen points fer Team Mario, with Petey Piranha gettin' a strike fer Team King Boo, tyin' up the score once more.
Next, Princess Peach similarly manages ta get a strike, givin' Team Mario a score o' two-hundred-an'-twenty-five points, with Wiggler tyin' up the score again by gettin' a strike 'imself. Now it's up ta Toad ta try an' put 'is team in the lead, an' as our toadstool hero goes ta throw the ball, 'e trips an' lets go o' the ball earlier than intended! Yar, what an unlucky break! The ball 'its 'alf o' the pins, but fortunately, Toad gets a second throw 'ere, so 'e throws the ball once more, an' manages ta knock three more pins, givin' Team Mario a final score o' two-hundred-an'-thirty-three points!
If Team King Boo wants ta win this match, then Gooper Blooper is gonna 'ave ta get a strike on 'is last turn. Gooper Blooper goes up ta the bowlin' lane ta throw 'is ball, but what's this? Just as Gooper Blooper's about ta throw the ball, ink squirts outta the tentacle holdin' the ball, soakin' the ball an' once Gooper Blooper lets go, it starts slippin' 'round on the lane and goes straight into the gutter! Aye, what an unlucky break once again!
Gooper Blooper then goes fer 'is second throw, an manages ta knock down four outta ten pins, givin' Team King Boo a final score o' two-hundred-an'-twenty-nine points! An' with that, Team Mario 'as been declared the winner o' this game o' bowlin'! Team Mario rejoices in their victory, while Team King Boo obviously be upset with losin'!
I tried ta get a hold o' Team King Boo after the match concluded, but was unable ta do so, since King Boo, Petey Piranha an' Wiggler angrily chased Gooper Blooper outta Shriek Mansion fer causin' their team ta lose the game. Yar, it be a shame, mateys, but it be 'ow it be. But that be 'bout all the time we 'ave fer this month's sports news! I be 'opin' ta see ye again next month, when we will be celebratin' Issue 200 o' The 'Shroom, so tune in ta the Sport Report then fer some low-stakes reportin' compared ta the rest o' The 'Shroom's writin' staff, but it'll still be a fun section all the same! Anyway, see ye next month, mateys!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Regulators Debate Proposed Whacking Restrictions
Tensions ran high at this month's open public hearing portion of the Mushroom Kingdom Ministry of Wildlife and Natural Resources (MKWNR) Advisory Board, with the normally-muted bureaucratic affair instead seeing emotional speakers pleading that the members of the board report in support of the proposed whacking regulations before MKWNR. Scientists have reported for years a steady decline in Whacka populations in regions such as Mt. Rugged and Keelhaul Key, but the cause of this decline remains uncertain. Previous reports have raised the possibility that droughts in recent years, ecological changes such as the sharp increase in the Putrid Piranha population in Keelhaul Key, or the practice of whacking Whackas to harvest Whacka Bumps may be contributing factors.
Complicating the search for answers is a lack of clarity as to what is happening to the Whackas. While many suggest that the Whackas are dying, skeptics point out that no Whacka corpses have been discovered, and, thus, no evidence has turned up supporting any purported explanation as to the decline in the Whacka population. They raise the possibility that Whackas, a seldom-seen species which spends most of its time underground, may not be dying, but may be actively migrating to new habitats, with these newly-moved populations not yet having been encountered and recorded.
Given the apparent decline in Whacka populations, Whackas were, years ago, declared by the MKWNR to be an endangered species, with Mt. Rugged's Whacka population in particular listed as "at immediate risk of local extirpation within the next five years". Despite the lack of conclusive evidence, calls have been growing in recent years for the banning of "whacking," a process in which a Whacka, in response to receiving a blow from a blunt, heavy weapon, produces a Whacka Bump, a food item considered a delicacy, sought after by chefs and alleged to have potent healing power. Scientists, conservationists, and wildlife rights activists have formed a coalition calling for the complete banning of Whacka whacking with no exceptions, and a crackdown on those selling and distributing Whacka Bumps.
Those efforts intensified when MKWNR announced it was considering a proposal to ban whacking throughout the boundaries of the Mushroom Kingdom, leading to the heated speeches at the board's open public hearing. It also intensified the efforts of those opposed to the ban, with chefs, wholesalers, and skeptical scientists speaking out against the ban, arguing that it isn't grounded in sound policy and will cause unnecessary economic harm for no benefit. At the end of the public hearing, we spoke with a Bonneter biologist who was exiting the meeting after speaking out in opposition of the ban:
Whackas are marvelous creatures, with a streamlined body shape that makes burrowing through the dirt easier. They are also a rarely-observed species, naturally, owing to their propensity to spend time beneath the soil. That is why it is an affront that the MKWNR, one of the world's most respected institutions on matters of conservation, would consider this ban without sound evidence. While it is possible that whacking harms Whacka, we have no more evidence to support that possibility than we do to support the possibility that Whacka populations are migrating elsewhere due to, say, a dearth of resources. The harvesting of Whacka Bumps brings attention to these under-studied creatures, and to outlaw the practice would only make them less known to the public at a time at which we must dedicate ourselves to learning more about their behavior and biology.
For further commentary on this ongoing debate, we turn to longtime commentators Hooded Pitohui and Shoey:
|
While I oftentimes disagree with the Mushroom Kingdom Ministry of Wildlife's overzealous designations of endangered species, I am at least usually sympathetic to their aims. It's important to have an organization that stands to protect our most delicate wildlife. But here they're completely off-base, but, then, I suppose I'm not surprised that Big Government would use bad science to support another ludicrous regulation. First, Hood, let's call a spade a spade. There is no hard evidence that supports the idea that whacking, that is, the non-lethal process of extracting a Whacka Bump from a Whacka, has led to a decline in Whacka populations. In fact, there isn't even any hard evidence that supports that the population has dropped at all! The fact is that even the MKWNR's own studies have acknowledged that it's inconclusive whether or not the Whacka population has dropped at all. It relies on, quite frankly, amateurish science, such as reported sightings to push the idea that Whackas are endangered. But how can you use aboveground sightings to say that the population has declined when Whackas are a species that primarily live underground? This endangered designation is based on bad science, when, in reality, we've never had anything but an extremely rough estimation of Whacka numbers in the first place! Now let's talk about this ridiculous proposal to ban whacking! But, first, what is whacking? Whacking is a very simple procedure; a medium-size strike to a Whacka's head from a blunt object causes it to produce a Whacka Bump. Whacka Bumps are a rare, extremely delicious, and extremely nutritious delicacy. But that's not all! They're also prized in the medical community for their healing properties. The MKWNR would like you to believe that this a cruel process that leads to the deaths of poor innocent Whackas, but even their own reports show that's not true. There is no account in the history of this kingdom of a Whacka dying from being whacked. Even the MKWNR's own reports acknowledged that, even after being whacked, the Whackas still speak coherently and they still are able to leave on their own accord. The process cannot be directly linked to a single Whacka death, so the idea that we need to outright ban the process is criminally overzealous. The fact of the matter is this. There is no direct link between whacking and Whacka population loss, because there isn't even enough evidence to prove that Whacka populations are dropping! Is whacking bad for Whackas? Perhaps, after all, there is evidence that shows Whackas are disorientated after the whacking process. Perhaps Whacka populations are declining, and perhaps whacking is to blame, and if that's the case, I would be fully in favor of a ban. But I'm not going to support a ban that's based on bad science and rough guesswork. If, eventually, the MKWNR manages to produce some hard evidence against whacking, I'm all for banning it, but, at this point in time, there is no direct evidence linking whacking to Whacka population drops, so a ban cannot be supported. |
|
Shoey, listen, it is abundantly clear that whacking is harmful to Whacka populations. There is enough data to show a correlation between higher rates of whacking and a more rapid decline in Whacka populations, anecdotal evidence notes that Whacka who have been repeatedly subject to whacking show symptoms of confusion, and, I mean, come on, it's common sense. Do you think getting struck by a hammer is good for you? As to why we have yet to see a Whacka corpse in the wild that allows us to unequivocally conclude whacking was the cause of death? It's simple. Their habitats have an abundance of scavengers. There are buzzards all over Mt. Rugged, and Forest Fuzzies and Putrid Piranhas rapidly consume anything that dies in Keelhaul Key. We do not have time to wait around for "definitive" proof. If we wait until we finally come upon a dead Whacka, we will be too late; the species may well be extinct by that point in time. This is common sense, and this is a necessary and just action to protect a species that has been over-hunted for decades in the name of gourmet dining. While you argue that the rough estimations of Whacka populations which we have and the lack of direct evidence that whacking causes death in Whackas make this ban overreach on the part of "Big Government," I don't see any alternatives being pursued or proposed. Talk about "overzealous" enforcement on the part of the MKWNR all you wish, but it's not exactly as though anyone is making the investments needed to better survey Whacka populations. We're talking about creatures that live underground in remote and, yes, even dangerous habitats. If we want better data, we can't expect it to come cheaply. Those at the MKWNR have been very clear that they would like more definitive numbers here, but that they do not have the resources to get those numbers, and, in lieu of that, this is the best course of action they can take. From the point of view of the Ministry, it makes total sense. If they cannot be sure, but have strong reason to suspect Whacka populations are declining as a result of whacking, the prudent thing to do with the limited information available is to ban whacking. You say this is Big Government, but what I see here is too-small government, an agency with only so many resources to go around taking the best course of action in light of its limitations. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Reverse Input, MightyMario, and Shy Guy on Wheels
dear waluigi time,
once every year, i get visited by creatures of the night, who are asking for their yearly sustenance. however, upon closer inspection, i realise they are actually LYING CHILDREN and have to drive them away before they steal my candy. how do i stop this from happening?
-a troubled homeowner
Don't you hate it when you buy a bunch of Kit Kats specifically to hand out to skeletons and zombies and then a group of 6-year olds scams you out of them instead? Yeah. No need to fear, I have some helpful tips to keep them away!
I'm going to assume that the path from the street to your front door is probably way too easy and simplistic. What you need is a maze! All you need is a lot of plywood and nails, and preferably some blueprints drawn ahead of time so that you don't build it and then realize that you ended up with five exits, or no exits, or you made your front door completely inaccessible. Make sure that there's also a secret passage that lets you bypass the maze, unless you want to add two hours to your work commute. The kids will eventually get bored and leave, while the real night creatures will press on. If you haven't already spent too much money building the maze, you can even add some extra scary decorations inside!
If turning your entire property into a maze isn't your ideal solution, then what you need is the natural enemy of children - teachers! Just get a bunch of teachers to hang out in your yard armed with homework assignments, and those sneaky scamps will be running away faster than you can say spooky scary skeletons. They might not even have to be real teachers, but I don't know, I think kids can tell the difference. Maybe it's the smell of apples.
Now you should be free to hand out the candy to the entities that actually deserve it. Hope this helped!
Dear Waluigi Time,
How do I get my girlfriend to like Halloween? She’s totally scared of everything relating to it. I gave her several costume ideas so we can go trick or treating, but she doesn’t want to do it. What’s a costume she would like that isn’t scary?
Yours truly, Zerris.
It would be funny if she dressed up as me, but I don't think that really solves your problem. I also don't know how she feels about wearing a fake mustache.
But the best way to not be scared by the scary things is to be even scarier than said scary things! Have her be the doom of all the other spooks out there, if you get my drift. I would go for an unnaturally buff rooster costume myself, but that's not everyone's go-to for most scary thing, so... I'm thinking bulky power armor and her choice of weaponry! And I'm not just talking cheap costume props, splurge on an actual laser arm cannon! It's hard to be scared when you have all those, uh, whatever you use to measure the power of lasers on your forearm. Please note that laser arm cannons should always be used responsibly and that firing it at other people or private property can get you into serious legal trouble. Firing it at your own property, well, uh, that won't get you into any trouble per se, but it's going to be expensive.
Hm, maybe I should design my own power armor... Not for Halloween-related purposes, it would just be really cool, wouldn't it? I should probably finish writing this section first, though. Good luck out there, and happy trick-or-treating!
Dear Waluigi Time,
A man down an alley sold me a copy of A Link to the Past last weekend. He assured it was perfectly normal, so of course I believed him, but since putting it in and playing it my life has become increasingly weirder, almost like I'm in a creepypasta. Yesterday, Link gained hyper realistic eyes that started bleeding, and then proceeded to climb out of the TV. Since then, he's just kind of been wandering around my house, stating oddly mundane things like "Gee, it sure is boring around here" and "I wonder what's for dinner?". Last night I found that he watched me while I sleep, he stayed in the same position all night and nothing had changed once I woke (I honestly just wish he had disappeared while I was asleep). I'm seeking advice on what I should do with him now. Should I leave him alone until he's gone? Try to befriend him? Or do you think he's some kind of demon that I need to remove?
Sincerely, a creepypasta protagonist.
Well, despite the clear supernatural origins, that sharp sword he carries around, and the possibility that he's carrying explosives on his person, he seems harmless for now! You can probably avoid panicking and rushing to your local ghostbuster, but you might want to keep them on speed dial. Just in case, you know.
In the meantime, you have a big moneymaking opportunity! Now you can charge people to come to your house to see the hero of Hyrule. Sure, he may be a little spookier than most people would expect, but it's October, so luckily that sort of thing is in right now. You can even make cheap merchandise and set up a makeshift gift shop in your living room! I'm telling you, it's going to be big. It sounds like Link may be starved for entertainment and/or food though, so that's something you'll want to keep on top of while he's around. Wouldn't want him to decide to start harassing the neighborhood chickens. You should also make sure you have lots of paper towels if you have carpet and want any chance of selling your house without having to replace it.
Of course, like all fads, it'll probably pass eventually. Once spooky season wraps up for the year, how many people are really going to want to pay to see a bleeding-eye swordsman? Once this venture isn't turning a profit (or Link becomes hostile, whatever happens first), consider donating him to your local paranormal research organization. Or you could try negotiating with him and seeing if he's willing to pay rent. I guarantee you'll have the most interesting roommate out of any of your friends!
Squadala, we are off!
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
The Sunshine Moonlight Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace (talk)
Luigi’s Mansion: A Hauntingly Great Experience
Greetings, mortals! It is I, Varon Bon CatMenace! Today I offer you the chance of a lifetime, a trip to the legendary Luigi’s Mansion! Yes, I have managed to locate this phantom homestead, and am now using it to get a great deal of money without the owner’s consent! MWAHAHAHAHA!! The legends say the one who enters will be lost forever have a great time! Now sit back and enjoy as I tell you the reasons you should visit a place which is definitely not haunted causing you to die a horrible death!
Attractions
Luigi’s Mansion is a very exclusive location, only appearing when the summoning ritual is done on the first full moon in a leap year (or whenever it feels like it I guess). So I took this opportunity to get some hands on research in the mansion! There are some, uh, translucent people, not ghosts, who facilitate activities in the mansion. Play a game of pool with Slim Bankshot, legendary- Huh? What did you say? No he’s not dead! How could he play a game of Pool with you if he was? The news is always wrong! Didn’t you read the title of this 'Shroom Section?! Anyway, back to the scheduled programming, you can work out with very much alive sporting hero Biff Atlas, who didn’t die after a horrible weightlifting accident, or have your fortune told by the mysterious Madame Clairvoya. She’s always right, you know. Wonder how she does it? Probably something to do with the fact she’s a ghost very smart.
Food
Lots of good food can be found here, but the best at Luigi’s Mansion is Spookhetti! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! …Anybody? Forget about it.
Transport
The best way to get to Luigi’s Mansion is driving a LamBOOghini there! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! …Still nothing? Never mind.
Weather
Cloudy and dark, all the time. What did you expect?
Accommodation
Situated close to Boo Woods, the Last Resort is a relatively new hotel that is filled with great service and fun activities. That’s probably a travel guide for another day, though…
Souvenirs
| Vacuum Cleaner | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This E. Gadd approved vacuum cleaner is designed for all your ghostbusting needs! With functions such as suck, blow, fire, or ice, it can do anything! Except clean the floor. 5000 and G-00 upgrades sold separately. | |
| PRICE: | 3 Gold Bars | |
| Assorted Portraits | ||
|---|---|---|
|
These lifelike portraits are Weegee Originals™. Currently in high demand, the Toad, Peach, and Mario paintings all have been bought off. Hurry before they all disappear. They’re said to look perfect and lifelike, as if someone was trapped inside them… | |
| PRICE: | 2 Large Pearls | |
| Stylised Keys | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Painstakingly crafted by hand, these keys are specially made for your home! Just choose a design, colour, and size, or invent one yourself with the new Kustom Key™! | |
| PRICE: | 2 Gold Bones | |
Conclusion
Phew! Glad that’s done. It’s good to see the sun again. Anyway, it looks like I couldn’t get any reviews this week. Almost as if this isn’t a popular vacation spot. Or maybe I’m just lazy. Anyway, on the Forums, I’m currently taking suggestions for Issue 200 and changes to the travel guide formula. Please send me your ideas so I can be even lazier. For now, I’m outta here.
To: ‘Shroom Staff
Cc: Elvin Gadd, Toadbert Kinopio, Princess Peach Toadstool, Toadsworth
Subject: Slight change of plans…
Hi guys, uh, haha. This is a slightly awkward email to write! I know last time I made a whole thing about how I wasn’t coming back to the real world, I was going to stay in the Mushroom Kingdom for ever, et cetera, et cetera. But, uh, things have changed, a bit, and I might, um, recant all of that and be coming back anyway, for a little while at least. Hope you haven’t destroyed my office yet.
Thing is, you remember the whole thing about someone who used the portal and got trapped in your dimension? And also the thing about the tall moustache guy who locked me in a cinema and then tried to break into the ‘Shroom offices several times? I don’t know how much I’d been telegraphing this but turns out that was Waluigi all along, who could have guessed? After all, he named the cinema complex Purple Gamma, but the gamma symbol on his hat is yellow. Doesn’t make any sense at all. Anyway, turns out he wasn’t working on a new big artistic television project after all, he was just up to his old chaos-causing shenanigans, portalling into the real world to do his purple mischief. The Mushroom Kingdom government has been in Waluigi Crisis Mode all week ever since the story broke, and the story’s been all anyone can talk about.
Well, you can imagine the impact of this. I mean, my career here is in tatters. Everyone seems to be blaming me for letting Waluigi leave and wreak havoc on another dimension, and now nobody’s coming to my shows any more. My concert residency in Neon Heights, Screensaver, has been cancelled in favour of a show where Wario talks about Waluigi’s life. I’ve got a small niche fanbase still, true, but they’re mostly weirdo Shy Guys, and I can’t even get shows booked to please them. I haven’t paid my agent in months. (Still love you though Toadbert, you’re the best!)
I’ve come to a decision then. The only way I can possibly recover my fame with dignity is if I myself take the portal E. Gadd and his Toad lab team built, go back into the real world and go to stop/rescue Waluigi and send him back, for the good of the Mushroom Kingdom. After all, I got here with the portal he used to get there, so it’ll keep things in balance if we go back the other way. I’ve cc’d in Princess Peach and Toadsworth so they are aware of my honourable act that I am doing in their service, and if I’m successful maybe they’ll knight me? Who knows. But all I know is that I will be more than a Screensaver: I will be a Worldsaver. And then everyone will love me again and things will be great.
Anyway, I hope to be back in a couple of weeks’ time. Until then, here’s a TV Tomorrow I was going to do a concert of this month before it got cancelled, which you might want to put in the October issue - the top three shows of tomorrow.
New: The Curse
MKBC1, 11pm
Genre: Horror-action disaster drama
This high-budget new series about a Goomba town afflicted by a strange hypnotic curse that turns its residents violently against one another is no Halloween horror cash-in - this is one of the more impressive achievements in television this year, and more than lives up to its expense. Sometimes these sorts of action-oriented shows eschew any quality control in the story or acting talent, but that’s not the case with The Curse, which supplements its flashier scenes with an intricately unsettling mystery and some genuinely chilling performances; plus, it’s especially great to get some positive Goomba representation on screen. Appointment television for this October.
Pennington’s Great Railway Journeys
MKBC2, 6pm
Genre: Travel show
For those who don’t like horror’s aggressive co-opting of October and prefer lighter fare, private detective Pennington has taken some leave from his crime-solving (he can afford to, he lives in Poshley Heights, the guy’s loaded). Now he’s off travelling the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond by train, indulging his passion for the tracks and discovering the world’s best train journeys. In tomorrow’s episode he puts himself up in a first class carriage on the Excess Express heading out from Poshley Heights to Rogueport, enjoying many of the on-board luxuries it has to offer and visiting picturesque stations. A little dry, but oddly charming.
Quizventure with Mario
MKBC Kids, 4pm
Genre: Kids’ game show
One of the best kids’ shows to come out of the Mushroom Kingdom in years, Quizventure with Mario is an involving, exciting, and surprisingly challenging quiz show with an adventurous twist (as you may have surmised from the titular portmanteau). In each episode, host Mario guides a single child contestant through a vast landscape of forests, jungles, coasts, mountains, and much more to find question marks hidden in the world that trigger tricky trivia. Get enough right and they find themselves in a mock ‘boss battle’, a gauntlet of questions that puts them to the test but promises an impressive prize trophy. With its spirited manner and educational cleverness, not to mention interactive elements, it’s a fantastic show for children. Tomorrow’s contestant is Bowser Jr. from the Koopa Kingdom, a young artist type with a lot of enthusiasm - it promises to be a fun episode.
You know, seeing all these great TV shows up here makes me think, maybe leaving the Mushroom Kingdom again is the wrong decision. Sure, I’m not the big name I once was, but the TV is still great here, nobody has to be on strike, and people will move on from blaming me for the Waluigi Crisis eventually, surely? Even if they don’t, life here isn’t so bad. The television is worth it enough, I think - no good in the real world if the strikes mean nothing is getting made. Perhaps I’ll stay then… Hold on a sec, my two phones are ringing, let me pick them up.
Yes? Hello? What’s that? The WGA have got a deal, and the writers’ strike is over? Oh, well that’s good news, let me answer my other phone… Yes? Hello? What’s that? The TV executives in the Mushroom Kingdom have turned out not to be decent people after all? They’re docking the wages of their writers due to the Waluigi Crisis? That’s deplorable! So the MKWGA are now going on strike then? So no new television’s getting made over here? Huh. Thank you.
Well isn’t that an unexpected and convenient strike switcheroo! But I think it means there’s only one thing to do. Waluigi must be stopped, and I must be the one to stop him. Toadbert, I’m sorry, you’re fantastic, but you’re fired. Because in the name of the Mushroom Kingdom, TV Tomorrow, and the future of televisual entertainment in both our dimensions, I must leave this world, return to my world, and save the day. E. Gadd, prepare the portal. I’m on my way.
See you soon then guys! Probably in November for another TV Tomorrow!
Quizmelon
Consumer Corner
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) and MightyMario (talk)
"Hey, I've got the day off. Wanna watch something on TV?" Cayde asked as she made her way to the couch.
"There's a horror movie marathon hosted by Boohemoth on channel 5, if you're interested." Zerris grabbed the remote and sat down.
"Only if I can cuddle with you at the scary parts..."
Cayde giggled quietly as Zerris turned the TV on.
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
Back in the Waluigi Time Secret Lab, the seasonal scientist Dr. Frankentime works on concocting another spooky scheme, as thunder crashes and wind howls in the background - then cease entirely as they're replaced by upbeat jazzy music? "CHUCKGOR! Fix the ambience! And turn off autoplay this time!" Dr. Frankentime hollers as his hunchbacked assistant walks over to a laptop and performs the incredibly intensive task of clicking the back button, returning to the previous video of suitably spooky sound effects. "It's ridiculous that I have to resort to this, I mean it's October! What's the deal with all of these clear sunny days? Chuckgor, remind me to write a strongly-worded e-mail to the weatherman." "Yes, master..."
The other kind of doctor, Kameron, enters the room, decked out in plague doctor garb and carrying an unreasonable amount of dented pitchforks and burnt-out torches. "I found these littering the grounds - again," he says, unceremoniously dropping them to the floor. "Those stupid villagers again, eh? How ungrateful! I send them rampaging yet delightfully kooky monsters and this is how they repay me? Well, I'll show them!" Rushing over to some cabinets, Dr. Frankentime pulls out some unseen ingredients and haphazardly tosses them into an oven that somehow looks vaguely maniacal. More importantly, it glows green! "May I ask what your plan is this time?" Kameron inquires. "It's like they say Kameron, nothing is scarier! I'm going to create special candies with terrifying flavors that are a complete mystery! They'll never know what absolute horrors are waiting for them!" Dr. Frankentime exclaims, before breaking into crazed laughter. "WAHAHAHAHA!"
Kameron seems less than enthused at the doctor's plans, evident by his nervous hand-wringing. "You know, with adjectives like that, I can't help but consider the possibility that this is going to violate multiple health codes," he says. "Well first of all, mad scientists have no health codes! ...But uh, yeah. No health code violations. Besides, everyone knows candy is pretty much all artificial flavors anyway, so it's just simulating it!" Dr. Frankentime responds. "I'm not sure I should trust you, but against my better judgment I suppose I will for the time being," Kameron says, clearly not fully reassured. Just then, the maniacal green oven dings in very standard non-maniacal fashion, and Frankentime pulls out a tray of seemingly innocuous candies. "WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They're perfect! Those villagers will never know what hit them..."
Available for a limited time this Halloween, Dr. Frankentime's Mystery Candy! Terrifying flavors lurk around every corner!
"Wahaha! Eat this or else... IF YOU DARE!"
"Ooh, seeing that ad reminded me I actually got the candy! Wanna try it with me?" Zerris said, practically glowing with excitement.
"Yeah sure, what could possibly go wrong?" Cayde spoke without enthusiasm. She wasn't a fan of Waluigi Time's line of products, so she wasn't too keen on trying something from that brand. Zerris entered the pantry and grabbed two bags of Dr. Frankentime's Mystery Candy. He shook with glee as the two sat at the table with a bag of candy each.
"Down the hatch... I guess."
Cayde ate a piece of the mystery candy, expecting something to go horribly wrong. Instead, she became surprised at the mundane and normal flavor of the candy. One piece became two pieces, then three... Maybe this candy would reveal its mystery soon!
After nearly eating half the bag, both Cayde and Zerris were stuffed.
"I don't think this candy does anything from the ad. I'm disappointed." Zerris sighed and started to recuperate from an intense sugar rush.
"I think I know what the mystery of that candy was..."
"...what's that?" Zerris said as he raised an eyebrow at Cayde's statement.
"It gives you a stomachache."
Zerris and Cayde began to laugh before stopping and giving out groans of pain.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 199 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
