The 'Shroom:Issue 205/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! No time for opening chatter, we've got a great edition of Fake News for you to read this month and I want to get into the announcements!
First of all, I'm very excited to announce that we have a brand new section! Newcomer Boo1268 is joining The 'Shroom with The Spectral Lens, a look at the rich history of the Mushroom Kingdom from a Boo's eye view! When you've been around as long as one of them, surely you've seen and heard a lot, so who better to take us on a lore dive? We also have a couple of one-offs this month, a Game Corner from Chris Hoffshoe (talk) and a Peddler's Place written by yours truly!
Also, The Sorcery Show is back this month after a short break last month! I won't spoil what Pyro and Kroop are up to this time, you'll have to read the section yourself to find out. That rascal Spooks Booley decided to show his face again too in a new installment of Diggin' Up Dirt. I should probably be vetting his reports more closely... Ehh, nah.
A bit of sad news though, ClawgripFan9001 has decided to resign from Sport Report. Our pirate crustacean friend is still writing for Cooking Guide though, so be sure to give that a read! All of your other Fake News favorites are here too!
Before I go, just my usual reminder that if you're interested in writing for Fake News, we're always happy to have more writers! Whether you'd like to start up a brand new section like Boo1268 is doing, or submit a one-off for sections like Game Corner or Peddler's Place, we can find a place for you! Just send an application to Meta Knight following our sign up page, or contact me privately if you'd like to do a one-time submission with no application necessary.
Section of the Month
Thank you for voting for last month's guest edition of Weather Forecast for Section of the Month! Apparently, the forecast for Dry Dry Outpost was anything but a dry read. TheBlueCatMenace took a very close second place with The Sunshine Travel Guide, giving us Bowser's inside story. I'm still not sure I'd want to vacation there, though! Finally, Dear Waluigi Time placed third with advice on getting some much-needed energy, searching for Toads, and finding the perfect feline companion. Thanks for voting, be sure to keep supporting our writers with your votes and/or a Poochy's Picks nomination if you're so inclined!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Weather Forecast | 13 | 22.41% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 2nd | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 12 | 20.69% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 3rd | Dear Waluigi Time | 9 | 15.52% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
So apparently I've been getting a little too metatextual lately with all the lore stuff, and it's been turning some people off my column. The publishers are really getting on my back about my low ratings, so I've decided to do something about it, to introduce a new readership incentive. That's right, this month I'm doing a giveaway! By reading this TV Tomorrow from beginning to end, you will be automatically entered into a prize draw, from which one lucky winner will be randomly selected to win this month's star prize: a bucket of iPhone 14s! All brand-new, found by me personally in the alleyway behind a disused warehouse. What an opportunity! Plus, ten more lucky readers will receive a £25 voucher for ExxonMobil. This is what you want, right? None of this pointless self-congratulary fluff, just the thrill of the gamble and the promise of cold hard material goods. Yes, this'll keep you glued to my words. So cross your fingers and press on reading through all of this week's top three Mushroom Kingdom television shows! You could win big!!!
Robotika For Eternity
MKBC1, 10pm
Genre: Robot dystopian drama miniseries
Based on the best-selling novel by Blue Yoshi, this high-budget miniseries is set in the fictional city of Robotika, ostensibly a fully-automated utopian paradise where humans are waited on by robots, yet one that has quickly become a terrifying quasi-fascistic police state where those in power use robot armies to rule over people. The story follows a number of intertwined threads, but particular credit must go to the Machiavellian tale of one robot soldier who, having inadvertently achieved sentience, becomes a military general/priest-figure called the Ancient Minister to covertly take down the system and protect his robotic brethren - and possibly claim power in Robotika for himself. Interrogating the nature of politics, power, and what it means to be human and/or robot, this deftly-plotted and wonderfully-acted series is a televisual masterwork.
Time to Get Funky!
The Party Channel, 10pm
Genre: Wacky absurdist comedy
If intense dystopian drama's not your thing, switch over to the Party Channel for its ever-reliable doses of late-night madcap energy, which reach a fever pitch with Time to Get Funky! The star vehicle show of insane absurdist comedian Funky Kong, this show is positioned somewhere between sketch show, sitcom, documentary, and pure random unadulterated Funkiness, with the only unifying motto being to 'Get Funky and Stay Funky'. It's hard to know what you're getting in for with any episode really, but tomorrow's (slightly) tamer fare might be a good entry point for new viewers, as Funky goes on a 'land surfing' expedition to catch a wave hiding in the thick jungle. Enter into the spirit of things - that spirit being Funkitude - and you're sure to enjoy.
Man Vs Machine: Ultimate Battles 2K24
MKBC3, 11pm
Genre: Extreme game show
Dangerous robots is evidently a theme tomorrow on MKBC, though Man Vs Machine: Ultimate Battles 2K24 is a different beast entirely. The brainchild of Professor E Gadd and Snifit, this show is sort of like Robot Wars if only one of the contenders in each match-up was a robot. Tough competitors take on an increasingly brutal array of violent robots in head-to-head arena battles, seeing if humans can best technology in pure physical combat. The fights can be genuinely exhilarating and tense (not to mention kind of awesome), but the real enjoyment to be had in this show is the juxtaposition between how seriously it takes itself and how silly it really is at its core. A guilty pleasure maybe, but a thoroughly entertaining one.
That's it for this month - and you're just a cursory conclusion away from being entered into that prize draw! I am afraid that I am going to have to amend the prize a little bit as I have unfortunately mislaid the bucket of iPhone 14s and I can't find them anywhere. And I can't even try ringing them, cause I put my own phone in the bucket too with them by mistake. Having an absolute nightmare really. But don't worry, I've secured a replacement star prize: one lucky reader will now win - my credit card! A fantastic prize for anyone, and there isn't even that much debt on it, I promise. Keep an eye out for a letter in the mail to find out if you've won, and also keep an eye out for my phone bucket please, I really need that back. Otherwise, best of luck, and come back for the next edition of TV Tomorrow in May, where you might be able to win a car! (Emphasis on might be. I need to steal one first. See you then)
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Toadettefan, SONIC123CDMANIA+&K(B&ATSA), and Magolor04726
Dear Waluigi Time,
In just a few weeks, I'll be heading out and hiding Easter Eggs all over the Mushroom Kingdom for all the children to find. But once they find everything, they grab me tightly, demanding presents like chocolate and candy! It's really doing a number on my self-esteem lately, so now I'm worried about how I can do my job without losing my sanity. Please help me, and I might reward you with a giant Easter Basket for your troubles!
Sincerely, The Easter Rabbid.
Oh, looks like I'm a little late on this one. Well, whose idea was it to put Easter in March this year anyway? No problem, now you just have some advice for next year!
Sounds to me like the problem is that you're sticking around. (Well, the real problem is that many children have a tendency to be ungrateful little rugrats. But we'll gloss over that for now because I can't change the world.) Santa Claus has the right idea, as much as I have personal beef with the big guy. Hide those eggs and then get out of dodge, or at least to higher ground!
If you do insist on sticking around to admire your handiwork, you'll probably want some protection. Enter, the humble cactus! Just find your nearest desert, which shouldn't be too hard because there sure are a lot of them around here, and some of them are bordering snowy regions, somehow? I'm no climatologist, but really, what's going on there? But I digress. Just slice open a cactus and cut it into appropriately armorish shapes! Just make sure it's a regular cactus and that you're not trying this on a Pokey, because that will cause problems fast. No one will dare to try and grab you when you're extremely pointy! And if they do, they'll learn a quick lesson.
Next Easter is exactly a year away, so you better get hopping!
Dear Waluigi Time,
I was playing Pizza Tower, when a weird portal appeared. Suddenly Pizzaface came and said he would blow up my house! I didn't know what to do, so when he fled, I went after him. When I went through, I saw this big tower-like thing that was like it was made up of towers, spires, etc. Strangely, there was sand & grass together! I see at the front of the big tower-like thing a big group of people, which reminds me of Peppino Spaghetti and the various other characters from not only Pizza Tower, but also its various mods and fangames! What do I do!?
SONIC123CDMANIA+&K(B&ATSA)
P.S. The version of Pizza Tower I was playing specifically was Pizza Tower United Community Edition 4.5 Experimental Build 1 on top of Pizza Tower Noise Update (V1.1.0).
Looks like you've stumbled into the classic "getting accidentally transported to another world through no apparent action of your own" scenario! Apparently the cool kids are calling that an "isekai" these days, whatever that means. A Pizza Tower isekai, or a pizzekai, if you will. Fortunately, I have some great tips for survival in any unusual location!
Most importantly, get help! This type of thing always goes much better when you have assistance from someone who has the lay of the land and knows about relevant quirks in the laws of nature. Easier said than done, unfortunately, and a lot of people in alternate worlds seem to want to beat you up on sight for no reason. Obviously, you should avoid anyone like that because getting beaten up is counterproductive to survival. If you can't get anyone to help you, just follow someone who looks like they know what they're doing. Apparently, it's a universal constant that mustachioed Italians are good for this.
In the meantime, you should avoid touching anything that looks weird, because you never know what could give you an allergic reaction or just kill you outright. Also, make sure to collect anything that looks like it might be money, as long as it's just lying around and you're not taking it from someone's house, wallet, or pocket. Chances are, any currency you may have brought with you won't be very useful to you now.
Or, if the portal's still there, just... go back through it, I guess. If Pizzaface comes back to cause trouble, just eat him, he's pizza!
Dear Waluigi Time,
I have had a predicament of sorts plaguing my mind as of late. Many heated debates with my friends have ended with neither of us giving in to the reasoning of the other. It is of vital importance and will settle perhaps the world's largest dispute. I am coming to you with this because you are the cereal king and therefore have experience with breakfast foods.
Pancakes or waffles? (There is an obvious right choice.)
-Mags
Ah, a debate as old as heroes vs. villains, chickens vs. pigs, sunlight vs. moonlight, and all that other good stuff. If you want, I can draw up a comic or two to convince you that my opinion is the correct one.
So, pancakes and waffles! Both are breakfast staples, go great with syrup, and can be made infinitely more fun by baking chocolate chips or fruit into the batter. You can get smaller versions of them too, because eating miniature food is fun and satisfying for reasons that I don't comprehend but won't question. With the right equipment, you can even make them into fun shapes! So far, they're pretty evenly matched.
My verdict, though? Waffles! Questions of taste aside, you know what waffles have that pancakes don't? Squares. More accurately, fun little compartments for holding extras! No worries about toppings tragically sliding off and landing on the floor, or accidentally creating a torrential downpour of syrup that you'll have to clean up later lest you end up with sticky socks. I say the answer is clear.
Of course, as the old song goes, can't wait to get a mouthful. That's not even getting into the matter of french toast.
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Yar, welcome back ta the Cookin' Guide once more, mateys! Ye know who I be, I be that food lovin' freebooter, ClawgripFan9001! So last month, with the 'elp o' Zess T, I managed ta teach ye 'ow ta make a delicious pastry! This month, we're goin' ta continue learnin' 'ow ta make delicious sweets, as I'll be teachin' ye 'ow ta make a Honey Sorbet! Ta 'elp me with this, I sought the 'elp o' Flipside-based chef Saffron, who runs the town's local restaurant, Sweet Smiles. When I arrived at the restaurant an' pushed open the door, I was greeted with prob'bly the warmest smile I 'ad ever seen in me life.
"Yar, greetings an' salutations, ma'am! Thanks fer allowin' me ta come by fer a cookin' lesson t'day!" ClawgripFan9001 told Saffron with a grin, closing the door behind him.
"Of course, dear. I was more than happy to help you with teaching your readers how to make this delicious dessert you told me you wanted to make." Saffron told the Sidestepper, the warm smile not leaving her face.
"Aye, I be glad ta 'ear that! Well, 'ere's all the ingredients ye need fer the Honey Sorbet we'll be makin'. We got a Honey Jar, an Ice Storm an' a few Berry Snow Bunnies." ClawgripFan9001 told Saffron as he handed her the ingredients for the dish.
"Thank you, dear! I'll get things ready to start making the dish then!" Saffron beamed as she took the ingredients from ClawgripFan9001.
"Yar, I'll get ready ta write down the instructions in that case." ClawgripFan9001 replied as he took out his notepad and pencil while waiting for Saffron to start working.
"Okay, so first things first, take a sorbet glass and put the Ice Storm inside. Then use a pestle to stamp the Ice Storm into shaved ice. Next, pour the honey from the Honey Jar into the sorbet glass and stir it with a spoon to get the desired honey-flavored shaved ice. Finally, put the Berry Snow Bunnies on top for decoration, and you're done." Saffron explained to ClawgripFan9001, who finished writing everything down.
"Yar, easy peasy, I say! Me readers will prob'bly be very 'appy ta know 'ow ta make this!" ClawgripFan9001 beamed.
"I definitely think so too! Now how about you have a taste of the dish we just made?" Saffron suggested with a smile.
"Aye, that sounds like a plan ta me!" ClawgripFan9001 replied as he proceeded to grab a spoon and took a nibble of the newly created Honey Sorbet.
"And? How does it taste?" Saffron asked the Sidestepper curiously.
"Yar, like a warm summer day; Wonderful!" ClawgripFan9001 grinned, flashing a thumbs up at her.
"Oh, I'm so glad you like it, dear! That really makes me happy!" Saffron beamed.
"Aye, if yer 'appy, then I be 'appy too!" ClawgripFan9001 beamed too.
Yar, so this be what ye need ta make a Honey Sorbet!
Ingredients
- A Honey Jar
- An Ice Storm
- A couple of Berry Snow Bunnies
Appliances
- A sorbet glass
- A pestle
- A spoon
Instructions
- Take the sorbet glass an' put the Ice Storm inside.
- Use the pestle ta stamp the Ice Storm into shaved ice.
- Pour the honey from the Honey Jar into the sorbet glass an' stir it with a spoon ta get the honey-flavored shaved ice.
- Put the Berry Snow Bunnies on top fer decoration, an' yer done.
Yar, so that be everythin' ye need ta know ta make yerself a simple yet delicious dessert fer the upcomin' 'ot summer months! This 'as been the Cookin' Guide fer April, an' this be ClawgripFan9001, signin' off!
The Spectral Lens
Written by: Boo1268
Issue 1: Explosive Fight For Independence
Hello readers of all walks of life, welcome to The Spectral Lens, a new segment here on The 'Shroom. I am a spirit that has heard and seen many things in my lifetime, or rather afterlife time, but after some time I found myself becoming bored of scaring mortals. Now I spend my days relaxing by the fire, reading my favorite book and drinking ghostly herbal tea. I finally have the chance to share my wisdom, history, and a tiny bit of gossip with the world, so I hope you will enjoy it as I tell you tales from far and wide.
As you may have heard, the long standing civil war between the Bob-ombs and the Bob-omb Buddies has come to an end. The war officially ended with Bowser's forces being pushed out of Daffodil Peak and initiating a retreat. Soon after, the war had ended along with the reign of terror that was The Bob-omb War. You may not know though, that isn't the full story. The war, by my account, officially began many years ago when the great King Bowser was still an egg and his father King Kero Koopa had the throne.
Back when I was alive, he issued a large scale production on Bob-ombs to invade the Mushroom Kingdom. However, over time many Bob-ombs grew sick and tired of working for the king and went out on their own. Over the many years, they began forming a large resistance to combat King Kero's forces and year after year, several more Bob-ombs would join the resistance. This included the likes of Goldbob, proud Founder/Owner of Goldbobbington's, and in fact the cofounder of Fahr Outpost. Alongside him was General White, another one of the outpost's founders. I spoke to Goldbob personally about this event in history, and he recounted the following:
"I say old chap, that was a day I will never forget. I do indeed remember walking out of the castle doors, and never looking back. The day I joined the resistance was the day I found the love of my life. When I got to the resistance, I was issued alongside White to help in the construction of the Big Bomb Cannon. It took a lot of work, as the days went on we needed more and more recruits. It wasn't much at first; just some tents, the workstation, and a massive hole in the middle of the ground. Don't even get me started on the scaffolding, my friend. Nowadays I wouldn't be caught walking on that scaffolding even if I was blown to shrapnel.
Ahem, but back on topic. Over time, the project got bigger and BIGGER. Even the team grew significantly. As a result, we eventually just built sturdy blast-proof homes to protect ourselves in the event of an invasion. It wasn't anything fancy, which to me was the most disappointing, but hey, we worked with what we had. White built the cannon and got the troops ready, while I learned the controls, and built the blueprints until finally it was done."
Soon after the cannon had been built, the war began and the most notable battles occurred. This of course is referring to the beach Battle on Bonehead Island with its heavy Bullet Bill fire, Fury Volcano with its intense heat, and Shish-Kebab Tower with dangerous skewers. The most famous of all, as you may know, is the Battle of Bob-omb Battlefield. What many do not know however, is that this was indeed the finale of the greater Bob-omb War. With the aid of Mario, Luigi, Wario and Yoshi, the great King Bob-omb was indeed defeated, and the overarching war had finished.
This was not the last of the Bob-omb War however, no siree. The war continued for many years, slowly growing smaller and smaller in scale. At some point, Bowser forgot about the war and moved on, but the Bob-ombs drafted to do battle took matters into their own hands. They called themselves, The Shrapnel, but by then pink Bob-omb Buddies, and any Bob-omb for that matter, were allowed equal rights in the Mushroom Kingdom. By the time the battle transitioned from Vanilla Lake to Daffodil Peak, the war by that point was over in the eyes of the public. It had only recently been rediscovered, but now we as beings of the Mushroom Kingdom can appreciate the hard work and lives fought for in the war. So when you see a Bob-omb who was in the battlefield, tell them thank you. With that, our story ends. Thank you all for reading, and with that I say: Merci, au revoir.
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Controversial Children's Show Canceled After One Season
After a bumpy run of 13 episodes, Toadling Education Pictures has announced the cancellation of perhaps the most controversial early children's program in Mushroom Kingdom history, King Koopa's Kool Kartoons. King Koopa's Kool Kartoons, the longest running and most popular children's programming show from the Koopa Kingdom, is a mixture of live action and animation, with a man in a King Koopa costume leading children through various educational lessons, oftentimes being helped by his pet rat Ratso. Uniquely for Mushroom Kingdom children's programming, many of these lessons were about the Koopa Kingdom. Another distinction the show had that separated it from other Mushroom Kingdom children's programming was that, rather than a good-natured and patient teacher, King Koopa was instead a grumpy and nasty teacher who often expressed impatience and frustration over having to repeat himself. At times, he even offered up some (mild) insults against the Toadlings he was teaching. Between the educational segments, King Koopa became the King of Cartoons, broadcasting some classic Mushroom Kingdom cartoons such as segments from the old Dirk Drain-Head Show.
The Mushroom Kingdom version of the show was mostly unchanged from the original Koopa Kingdom show, with the only real differences being that the meanness of King Koopa was toned down and that the selection of featured cartoons changed.
Upon acquiring the show from its producers, the state-run Council of Early Koopa Development, Toadling Education Pictures heralded the show as crown jewel for their early morning educational block, with a press release saying:
King Koopa's Kool Kartoons might end up being the most exciting educational opportunity in the history of Mushroom Kingdom children's entertainment. For the first time, we have an educational program directly from the Koopa Kingdom. We believe that King Koopa's Kool Kartoons will provide the opportunity to teach Toadlings all about the culture and history of the Koopa Kingdom. We can't wait for Toadlings and parents to join us on this journey of discovery as we learn together all about the Koopa Kingdom!"
The announcement that a version of King Koopa's Kool Kartoons would be airing in the Mushroom Kingdom was immediately met with controversy. While Toadling Educational Pictures claimed they were producing this with little oversight from the Council of Early Koopa Development, many critics were skeptical of the claim, openly worrying that children and parents could be fed Koopa Kingdom propaganda through the program. In addition, many parents wrote to Toadling Educational Pictures, angry over the very concept of Bowser teaching anything to their children, with one letter seeming to perfectly encapsulate the feelings of outraged parents:
What kind of lesson are our kids supposed to take away from King Koopa's Kool Kartoons? How are we supposed to teach our children about potential Koopa Kingdom dangers when they see Bowser himself on TV as a lovable cranky uncle?
While head of programming at Toadling Educational Pictures, Lloyd Fungisett, initially claimed that the controversy over King Koopa's Kool Kartoons would pass once parents got the chance to see the program and continued to defend the show as a great way to introduce children to the world of the Koopa Kingdom, it was clear once the show aired that his hopes were unduly optimistic. While some critics praised the educational aspects of the show, the ratings were extremely low, and, with sponsors threatening to pull support for the early morning children's block, Toadling Educational Pictures officially pulled the plug on King Koopa's Kool Kartoons, announcing that they would no longer be airing King Koopa's Kool Kartoons and that in its place they would begin airing reruns of the tech-based educational show Family BASIC.
For their thoughts on the situation, we turn to our guest columnists, producer of the hit early Toadling entertainment show Mario's Early Years! Fun with Letters, Hooded Pitohui, and the former head writer on the early morning staple Donkey Kong Jr. Math, Shoey.
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Shoe, what we have here is a good idea mangled and mishandled in a way the industry hasn't seen since Leaptoad's entertainment division cast Mouser as a disk jockey in Super Mario Bros. & Friends: When I Grow Up. There was real potential here. The Koopa Kindgom is practically our neighbor, and regardless of its policies, our Toadlings should be allowed to – no, deserve to – learn its history and culture. Do the actions of Bowser Koopa and the Koopa Troop mean that the culture of countless Koopas needs be shunned? Absolutely not. There are Koopas living in our very kingdom! Why shouldn't our Toadlings be learning about the cultures of their own classmates and countrymen? Now, believe me, I understand the controversy. I'm not going to sit here and say that parents are in the wrong for not wanting their Toadlings to end up with a positive impression of King Bowser Koopa. I agree with you on one point. The blame for this failure lies with TEP. A company that should be shaping the children's educational program landscaping fumbled the messaging on this one. The show, I fully believe, would have survived and done well had TEP made a stronger effort to portray King Koopa as an unsuitable role model for children – an example of how not to act, in other words. While, yes, they would have had to walk a fine line to continue securing rights from the Council of Early Koopa Development, surely as long as they didn't outright portray King Koopa as a villain, but instead emphasized in network bumpers, messages to parents, and through additional scenes added to the program itself that Toadlings should aspire to be unlike King Koopa, the council would not hastily scuttle this rare opportunity to export Koopa Kingdom programming. I think that TEP has destroyed a real opportunity to begin raising a more well-rounded and inclusive generation of Toadlings and to foster more cooperation between the Koopa Kingdom and the Mushroom Kingdom, and find myself sorely disappointed by the lack of careful messaging surrounding this project. TEP must determine how this came to pass and ensure it does not happen again. |
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Hood, I find this whole thing to be honestly baffling. From the start, this was a bad idea that ended predictably badly. I don't really understand what they thought was going to happen? Obviously, it's not unheard of for successful early morning programs to be adapted for a new audience. I myself spent four years as the head writer on Donkey Kong Jr. Math, which was originally a program that aired out of Donkey Kong Island. But come on now! Trying to bring over King Koopa's Kool Kartoons? What were they thinking? It's just shocking because, for years, Toadling Educational Pictures has been a smart, well-run company. They have produced some of the most important, groundbreaking shows in children's education! So I just don't see how they could whiff so hard on this! I understand in theory the idea of trying to help bridge the gap between the kingdoms by exporting a popular show from the Koopa Kingdom, but how could they not see this controversy coming? How could they think that Toad parents would want to see their little Toadlings be taught by Bowser, of all people? You know, the guy who is always raising armies and kidnapping our beloved Princess Peach? Why would they want Toadlings to think of him as a grouchy and mean but still funny guy? I usually try not to call for jobs, but it's obvious that somebody at TEP made a huge mistake. It could take a long time for TEP to regain the trust of parents, and some accountability from the upper brass could go a long way to regaining it. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Written by: Legend 8
Episode 5+: Backstage Time Travels
Part 1 - The Chicken, The Hat And The Stone Age
It's a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and the warming spring sun beams down from a sky that is neither darkened by Koopa airships nor cheese monsters. But between the houses and in the streets, the sun is blotted out by huge advert posters that seem to attract attention almost magically:
REAL non-MAGIC SHOW
Today in the Grand Mushroom Theatre
FREE ENTRY
Meanwhile a few streets further into the city centre, numerous inhabitants are queuing in front of said theatre to claim their free seats in the show. Finally all of them are seated, ready for the great show they were promised. The lights go out.
Toad 1: Isn't this Magikoopa guy supposed to appear now?
Toad 2: Yeah, and this skull should be there by now too!
Toad 3: Shhhhht! Just wait a minute.
Half an hour later...
Toad 3: I'm going home! "For free" is still way too much money for such a lousy performance!
Toad 1: Yeah! And HE told US not to be late, that's what it said on all the posters! What a waste of time!
Meanwhile, about 3.5 million years earlier...
Kroop: UGH! I can't believe you had to lose your hat exactly during your Timeless Yoga Session in the STONE AGE!!! And why didn't you notice earlier and take it with you???
Pyro: Of course I noticed, but don't tell me I could have done anything against it! It was a time-travelling space mammoth from the future that sneaked up on me whilst meditating and just stole it from me, and then warped away into the time of dinosaurs!
Kroop: What?! Then what are we doing HERE in this FREEZING WASTELAND if your hat is already back in warm Jurassic paradise!!!
Pyro: Searching, of course.
Kroop: I KNOW WE ARE SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING BUT FOR WHAT, IF NOT YOUR HAT????
Kroop, stop shouting! Let me explain. I think he wants to annoy you by not answering you, as a response to your whining. But what he's actually looking for is a component for the spell that will bring you to where you are actually headed.
Pyro: The Explainer is correct. I first went here to search the yoga site for the components I usually keep inside my hat, just to look if they might have fallen out, but it seems like it won't be as easy to acquire the needed token as I thought.
Kroop: So what kind of item is this?
Pyro: Silly you, a T-Rex fang, of course! What else! It is absolutely needed for all spells that warp you back more than five million years.
Kroop: And there I thought magic was limitless...
Pyro: IT IS NOT MAGIC AND OF COURSE IT IS LIMITLESS YOU'LL JUST NEVER UNDERSTAND!!!!
I intelligently observe, that now Pyro is being annoyed by Kroop! What a comeback!
Pyro: Shut up! We have a lot of work to do! See that mountain over there? Let's go looking for some dinosaur bones.
Kroop: Hey, nope! That wasn't part of our deal! No, you're not going to use fellow petrified bonemates for your spells. You're gonna have to find something else, or I'm leaving!
Pyro: Okay okay!! But... I would have needed those... Maybe I can use something similar. What comes closest to T-Rex teeth that isn't part of a deceased dinosaur?...
* think think *
I can't think of anything...
Kroop: Hmmm. What is the closest living relative to a T-Rex. A... a chicken!
Pyro: Yes! That's it! Let's go get some... chicken teeth!
Kroop: ...
Pyro speaks a non-magical spell and they are transported back into the present-time Mushroom Kingdom in a flash of light.
Pyro: We'll just ask a few farmers. Maybe they have a chicken with teeth.
Kroop: Pyro, be logical for a second. I bet you two weeks of chores that nobody will have a chicken with teeth.
Meanwhile Pyro has seen a farmer's market stall in the middle of the road and walks towards it.
Pyro: Hello Mister Farmer! I am in severe need of a chicken's tooth, and was asking if you had any chickens with teeth back at your farm?
Farmer Toad: Well, that sure is an unexpected question. But yeah, fortunately for you, I do have a very strange chick that seems to be more T-Rex than chicken, haha. It only hatched a few days ago!
Kroop: WHAT.
Pyro: Oh, that's great! Would you allow me to teleport there and get a few of these teeth for a few coins?
Farmer Toad: Of course! If I had known these teeth are so desired... I might actually start breeding these dinosaur chickens.
Pyro disappears and almost immediately reappears with a bag in his hand, then summons a few coins onto the farmer's desk.
Pyro: I sure would consider it if I were you! Have a nice afternoon, and thank you for the teeth and the two chore-free weeks!
Farmer Toad: You're welcome! But... wait, isn't he the guy from the posters? From that scandalous show that never happened?!
Meanwhile Pyro and Kroop are already back in the stone age, where Pyro is preparing the ritual for the Advanced Time Travel Spell.
Pyro: So, are you all ready for the time jump? It's gonna be a rough ride!
Kroop: Okay, I'm ready... But... Wait. Weren't you meant to have that big show today, the one for which we made all those posters?
Pyro: Oh. Shoot.
TO BE CONTINUED...
...in the next episode, in about 2419200 seconds or 40320 minutes. Sounds loooong... But, what is the relevance of time, anyway? So stay tuned!
Written by: Chris Hoffshoe (talk)
Hello and welcome to Game Corner, a section where we look at various new releases in the burgeoning Mushroom Kingdom video game market. For this month's featured game, we're heading back to the arcades to look at a truly first-of-its-kind game, the Virtual Reality game, Mario Clash!
Mario Clash, produced by a new-to-the-industry company by the name of Virtual Boy Industries, is quite the interesting game. Promoting itself as the first ever Virtual Reality game, Mario Clash has some very impressive technology behind it. The way it works is that, after putting in 7 Mushroom Coins (which is quite expensive considering the average arcade game costs between 2-4 Mushroom Coins a play), the player gets three lives. If they run out, they can pay another seven coins to continue, and they can also earn lives in games by collecting enough points. After paying, the player dons a helmet that takes them to the virtual reality! In reality, the helmet simply has two lenses on it through which the player sees the game. At first I was worried that the helmet would be rather heavy and uncomfortable to wear, but, surprisingly, I found that's not the case. Instead, the helmet fit well and was fairly comfortable to wear, although it is possible that the player could feel some discomfort after a prolonged session of gaming! After donning the helmet, the player then puts on two wireless gloves, and these are pretty cool. Both gloves have IR sensors on them, allowing a limited amount of motion control. The right arm controls picking up and throwing turtle shells. This is done by closing your hand when you want to pick up the shell. Then, when you want to throw it, you simply open up your hand while pointing your arm the direction you want to throw. The left arm is less complicated, being used to control jumping, with you simply needing to close your hand to jump. Luckily for all those who are left-handed, you can switch the functionality around at the start-up screen!
So the technology is really cool, some pretty groundbreaking stuff never before seen in the arcade! Unfortunately, the game itself is pretty underwhelming. Mario Clash is loosely based on Mario and Luigi's days as plumbers in the far-off city of Brooklyn, New York. As such, upon starting the game, you become Mario (for some unfortunate reason you're not allowed to play as Luigi) and your job is to clear out various floors of enemies. For the most part, the enemies are simply creatures from the Koopa Kingdom such as Koopa Troopas, Pokeys, and Sidesteppers, but there are some oddball new original enemies like Snake and an odd bomb-throwing skateboarding hand named Lobb. The game is in what I'd call pseudo-3D, with two separate platforms traversable by both you and the enemy, with two connecting pipes allowing for movement between them. But the player also has access to a floating platform that they may use as a shortcut between the main platforms.
So the point of the game is to defeat the enemies as fast as possible, right? And the way you do that is by jumping on the Koopa Troopas that fill each level and then using their shells to stun and then defeat enemies. You defeat them by throwing the shell into them.
Many of the enemies require multiple hits from the shell before they become stunned and thus killable, and those enemies become faster after each hit as a way to enhance the game's difficulty (and hopefully suck up more coins!). The shell can pass through the pipes to hit enemies and, by pointing your arm forward when you open your hand, you can throw the shell forward across the two screens to hit enemies. Unfortunately, that's all there really is to the game. All the levels follow that same gameplay loop, which gets stale pretty fast. While it does try to mix it up a little bit by adding things like frozen ice platforms and Boos that float up and down, I don't think this gameplay loop is going to keep players interested for a prolonged period of time! I certainly don't think most players are going to "complete" the game by defeating all 99 levels the game has to offer! I myself got pretty bored of the levels around level 11.
None of this is helped, by the way, by Virtual Boy Industries' choice of color. Mario Clash is limited to only two colors, a choice, I presume, that was made to try and control some costs since this is brand-new technology. But I think they might have picked the worst combo possible! The only colors are black and red, with the majority of the game being an eye-searing red. I presume they chose red because it's a color that stands out, but, god, it just looks awful and it really messes with the perspective needed for certain jumps and throws since everything is the exact same color of red!
Unfortunately, at its core, Mario Clash, while sporting some very impressive technology, isn't much more than a simple, high score-based game. The gameplay loop is uninteresting. The choice of color is tough on the eyes. There are perspective issues caused by the pseudo-3D design. It's also quite overpriced as a game because it just isn't worth seven coins. But it's interesting because the tech behind it is quite spectacular. This, in my opinion, is a novelty product. I think it'll be quite popular out of the gate because everybody is going to want to experience this new type of video game, and, honestly, I do think just from a tech perspective alone that it's worth one play. But I don't see this game maintaining any popularity for a significant period of time because, with its shallow gameplay loop and poor choice of colors, I don't see this as being a game many are going to play more than once. So, yeah, it's neat proof of concept, but, as a game, it's pretty sub-par!
Diggin' Up Dirt
Written by: Spooks Booley (talk)
Royal Games
Hey. It's Spooks Booley here again, bringing you all the stories they don't want you to hear. I'm back with some fresh dirt on the Mushroom Kingdom royalty this time. I've done a couple exposés on the Koopa clan already, so I figure I gotta play both sides a little, you know? Or maybe they're both just one side... Don't quote me on that. I'm still diggin'.
Anyway, this one's about the Mushroom King. Now, I know what you're probably thinkin'. "The Mushroom King? Haven't heard that name in a hot minute!" Yeah, you don't really hear from him anymore. No one really seems to know what happened to him, but then again I don't think anyone really cares. The guy was a total buffoon and Peach did all the actual ruling anyway while he went off to play golf or whatever. (At least that's what he wants you to think!) Either way, it's like... oh, he's gone, what does this change? Literally nothing.
Oh. Right. The dirt. I found out what happened to him! Turns out, he shirked all his royal responsibilities (or at least shirkin' 'em more than he already was) and ran off to the Beanbean Kingdom, where he became an esports gamer. Yeah. Really. He's incognito, of course. Goes by the name King Kingston, real smooth and not obvious there. Anyway, he's... not really any good. Enters tournaments all the time. You know how many he's won? Zero. Yep, a big ol' goose egg. As a matter of fact, I got this real quote from an anonymous associate of his in the field:
king kingston is the worst gamer i've ever seen
Here's a real rich story, just for fun! Last tournament he entered was a Smash one, got paired up against the lowest ranked player in the Beanbean Kingdom, and the guy couldn't even get a stock off! Even jumped off the stage at 0% once! I mean, like, man, you've been doing this that long and you still can't get anywhere. I'd consider a career change. Uh, it wasn't, like, streamed or uploaded anywhere though, so don't bother lookin'!
So yeah. Next time you hit up the ol' Mario Kart or Smash Bros. online matches, turns out you might be playin' against the king of the Mushroom Kingdom himself. If that's not motivation to keep your skills up, I dunno what is. If you win you can pretend you're king, or something. Just don't go around actin' like you're actually king. The royals don't take too kindly to that.
That's all I got for now. Until next time, stay sharp out there.
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
A Note From The Sunshine Travel Agency
Hello, and thank you for your patronage. Unfortunately, esteemed writer and valued worker Cosmo "The Blue Cat Menace" Neko has gone missing. Authorities discovered he had last gone to the Sparkle Theater to review it for our Travel Guide. However, as you have likely already heard, the mage Madame Grape took over the theater and has locked the doors so no one is able to leave.
Fortunately, Cosmo had already finished writing his draft, which we are using for today's travel guide. We thank Cosmo for the years of work he put in, and have sent a fruit basket to his apartment. However, we cannot overlook the fact that he did not complete his monthly travel guide, and we will be lowering his pay grade and withholding his paycheck. We apologise for any inconvenience. -The Sunshine Travel Agency EST. 2002
Showtime At The Sparkle Theater
This section was not finished by Cosmo, but we found his notes, so we'll just use those instead.
Outline: Greeting, I dunno which one. Make some theater jokes. Say the place is really good. Also say that we will be reviewing the play today. Clarify there is a hotel close to the Sparkle Theater. Say something like without further ado to finish it.
History
The Sparkle Theater has been around for a long time. A group of Theets saved up enough money to purchase an old castle and rebuilt it into a theater. They worked together to make props and write plays, until their first show aired, called The Swordfighter Sparkla. It was popular enough to make a profit, and they were able to hire a few more members. They each wrote and starred in a play, and earned the title Sparkla. They all were excelling in sparkle power and were quite proficient at their jobs.
However, they wanted their fame to spread across the whole world, and this caught the attention of a mage named Grape. She said that she would make their plays spectacular, and the Sparklas hired her. She immediately took charge, bringing her own workers, rewriting the plays, and giving the Sparkle Theater a makeover to turn it into The Grape Theater. The Sparklas were horrified to see what their theater had become, and agreed they needed to get rid of Grape. Using all their Sparkle power they created a sprite named Stella, and with her help defeated Grape. She swore that one day she would return and retake the theater, but she hasn't been seen for years now, so she's probably gone forever.
The Theater remained fairly small for a few years until they hosted a play that went down in history known as Super Mario Bros. 3. This was a huge success and netted them millions. They used this money to expand the theater and hire more employees.
The Sparkle Theater remained popular for a long time, but was still not crazy famous. So for a few years, they funded all their money to an extensive marketing campaign to advertise a month of returning best plays in Sparkle Theater, plus new and exclusive ones. They built a resort on Showboat Island (where the Sparkle Theater is located) so people could stay for multiple days to watch all the plays.
This drew interest from all parts of the world, especially the Mushroom Kingdom, which is how I found out about it. Anyway, by the time you're reading this, the pre-shows will have started, but there's still heaps of time to catch the main, best plays.
Plays and Reviews
Along with a few other lucky people, I was given a chance to see some of the plays before being officially aired, for review purposes. I got to see a multitude of plays, which I will be reviewing.
The Castle Of Thorns
Genre: Action, Adventure
Original Airing: 1987
Length: 40 minutes
The action heavy sequel to the impressive Swordfighter Sparkla is still as spectacular as it was when it first aired. The plot follows a young Swordfighter who has become the protector of Mediton, the capital in a thriving empire. The Swordfighter, who's named Jose, enters Main Street to discover an injured person, who was attacked by bandits. After taking them out, Jose continues through the town to discover it is in chaos. Everyone is acting strangely.
He discovers that a farmer has accidentally grown plants on cursed soil, which is spreading seeds and pollen through the air to grow giant thorns and influence the people. Jose has to fight his way through the town to the castle and destroy the plant to bring Mediton back to peace.
This is a fairly simple plot that isn't anything to write home about, but this play doesn't revolve around its plot, but rather the action. Jose does stylish spins, impressive flips, and epic slashes. It's extremely entertaining to watch Jose fight through hordes of knights and monsters, have duels with knights three times his size, and cut through towering brambles. A very influential play that is a little simple, but has actors who bring realism to the fighting, and make it epic.
Story: 7/10
Set Pieces: 9/10
Acting: 10/10
Welcome To The Festival Of Sweets
Genre: I dunno baking?
Original Airing: 2015
Length: 30 minutes
Welcome To The Sweets Festival was a very unconventional play. Critics were skeptical when they first heard the idea, but were won over quickly. The Sparkle Theater was quite famous for its delicious cookies, cakes, and other desserts, and people wanted to see how they were made.
So, they turned the kitchen and garden into a stage, and let people watch as they harvest and bake desserts, then let you eat them freshly baked. Really sweet and a great appetizer before main course. It'll give you something to snack on and is a real treat (okay I'll stop now).
Ninjutsu: The Art Of Rapids
Unfortunately, the image Cosmo pasted into his notebook was torn, so we'll just give you a different picture instead.
Genre: Action, Thriller
Original Airing: 2017
Length: 1 hour
The Swordfighter Saga is a staple of the Action genre. However, the Sparklas knew that not everybody likes swords and medieval settings, and they wanted to branch out their skills. So they created a wide variety of action style plays, all with a different spin. Ninjutsu is one of the more recent ones, a series about a master ninja and his comrades, fighting and sneaking across the kingdom to find ancient scrolls that grant them special powers.
This play was the first in the series, where we see the ninja Shigeru for the first time. He meets a group of ninjas who take him to a hidden shrine, where he gains the power of the last ninja master and gains unnatural skills. His first task is to rescue a scroll from a samurai, which will give him power over water.
It's a spectacle to behold, with a suprising amount of tense moments. The samurai are terrifying, especially in the way they interact with the audience, sweeping their spotlight over you and turning around if you talk. There isn't as much straight fighting as there is in the Swordfighter plays though, opting for a stealthy assassin style, which could be a negative or a positive. The ending sequence I won't spoil, but it's one of the best scenes I've seen in a theater, and you won't be forgetting it any time soon.
Story: 8/10
Set Pieces: 10/10
Acting: 9/10
Cowgirl In The Wilderness
We regret to inform you that this page in Cosmo's notebook was completely soaked, and therefore indecipherable. We apologise for any inconvenience.
The Case Of The Missing Mural
Genre: Mystery
Original Airing: 1999
Length: 1 hour 30 minutes
One of the calmer shows at Sparkle Theater, the Detective plays are quite a nice break from the more action oriented plays. The plot follows a detective and his apprentice as they make their way through a museum to figure out what happened to a historical mural. I won't go to deep as this show is more plot heavy then others. It's unfortunately a little slow and predictable, but still a good watch for people with even a passing interest in mystery. Fortunately, the sequel, The Case Of The Rainy Day Plot is much better, and is a definite watch.
Story: 8/10
Set Pieces: 7/10
Acting: 10/10
The Perfect Infiltration
NOOOOOO, not again! Ahem, this page in Cosmo's notebook was stolen by wild animals, but we managed to get it back. Unfortunately, it was torn to shreds. We pieced as much together as we could.
The Perfect Infants is a pseudo science-fry play. It has a lot of scenes with credible set peace is. The ploy falls a secret societ key who owns an agent named Masque. They do stuff and uncode the vault which has a lot of art by Monet. Then he rejoices and flys away like a bird. It's cool and interesting.
If you can translate this, I'll give you…something.
A Snow Flower On Ice
Genre: Well I still don't know, musical?
First Airing: New!
Length: 1 hour 20 minutes
This play isn't really a play. It's actually a figure skating performance. There are still chunks of story thrown in, but they're not important. What is important is the skating. Each of them bring so much personality and emotion to the songs and skating, it's hard not to cry.
This show also co-stars Nylon, a strikingly different actor to the others. They used to serve under Grape, until leaving her to help out in the Sparkle Theater. They always bring emotion and personality to every role, and if you see them on the cast list, the play is a must watch.
Story: Not really there
Set Pieces: Well it's a skating show not a play
Acting: I really can't judge this as a play okay
Mighty Mission: Alien Invasion
Genre: Action, Sci-fi
First Airing: New!
Length: 1 hour 10 minutes
The latest action play from Sparkle Theater's greatest playwrights, Mighty Mission feels like a movie. Unparalleled special effects and set pieces, mere words cannot express the awesomness of this play. Just go watch it okay.
Everything: 10/10
Another Note From The Sunshine Travel Agency
By now, you likely already know what happened. Yes, the last two play reviews are gone. A time traveler came and said he needed them to save the world. So from what we were able to read, the Mermaid play is boring mostly but has good music, and the kung fu play is awesome. Sigh, and now we have to go through the rest of Cosmo's notebook, and write out and edit the rest… Wait. Why am I doing this? Why am I working so hard to bring people the latest issue of Cosmo's mediocre, stupid excuse for a travel guide?! Cosmo, you're fired! Huh, it's more satisfying when you crush their dreams in person. Whatever.
A Note From Cosmo
Hey everyone! I'm alive! I threw myself out a window to get back to Shroom' HQ, but I'm here! Oh, that's nice, someone's already done it for me. Oh, they left me a note. "Cosmo, you're fired from The Sunshine Travel Agency." What?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
To Be Continued…
| The 'Shroom: Issue 205 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
