The 'Shroom:Issue 198/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! I feel like I was just writing these Director's Notes and now it's already time for another issue. Time flies, and it flies straight towards Issue 200 - there's only one more issue between now and the big milestone! There's still plenty of time to submit something for the milestone if you're interested in helping us celebrate, whether you'd like to contribute to Fake News, one of our other teams, or even a standalone special feature. After all, there would be nothing to celebrate without our writers!
As for what's going on right now, I have a couple things to report. First, I'm wrapping up Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown after a nearly three year run. I can't say I'm sad to see it go because it's my own section and that would be weird, but hopefully you're sad to see it go? Not that I want you to be sad, of course. Don't be sad! 'Shroom release! Fun stuff! Milestone incoming! This will be the last regular installment, although I am planning on doing something special with it for Issue 200, so look forward to that. Also, Consumer Corner is on break again, but it'll be back next month and ready to spook your socks off.
If you're interested in contributing to Fake News, we're always keeping an eye out for prospective new writers! You could send in something early for Issue 200, or you could even start writing now! Just head over to our sign up page for everything you need to know to apply. I also take volunteer submissions with no application necessary for sections like News Flush, so if you don't want to commit to a full section, just send it to me privately and we'll work things out!
Section of the Month
We had even more engagement than last time, with a grand total of 74 votes! Quizmelon (talk) took first place with TV Tomorrow again, although he should probably be sharing that award with E. Gadd! In a close second is TheBlueCatMenace (talk) with the latest installment of The Sunshine Travel Guide, showing all the great things to do at Bowser's Castle, or more likely, giving you reasons not to go to Bowser's Castle. Finally, Dear Waluigi Time nabbed third place with some advice on partying and democracy. Thank you all for voting, and please continue to support our writers!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 24 | 32.43% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 2nd | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 21 | 28.38% | TheBlueCatMenace (talk) |
| 3rd | Dear Waluigi Time | 11 | 14.86% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents
Written by: The Shoe (talk) and Time (talk) Advertising Conglomerate
Written by: ClawgripFan9001 (talk)
Ahoy, ladies an' gentlemen! Welcome back ta the September edition o' the Sport Report! I be yer friendly emcee, ClawgripFan9001, or as I be known as fer this issue, Clay “The Claw” Gripson! I'll be explainin' why I be takin' on this nickname in a bit, but first, the usual! As I was sayin', it be September, which means that summer be comin' ta an end in the Northern Hemisphere an' fall be rollin' in! But that won't stop Mother Nature from givin' us its last wee bit o' summer warmth before the planet be coolin' off completely fer fall! I honestly be glad summer be pretty much o'er an' done with, 'cause I be gettin' sick o' 'avin' ta kill mosquitoes flyin' 'round me cabin ta keep 'em from buzzin' in me ears! Aye, but I don't want ta be holdin' ye up with me ramblin' 'bout the weather, let's dive into t'day's sports news!
So fer this month's sports news, I abandoned me sailboat once more an' took ta the skies, specifically ta Glitzville, which be well known fer its fancy schmancy wrestlin' arena, the Glitz Pit! It used ta be owned by this greasy landlubber named Grubba, but after 'e disappeared after an incident that the residents o' the Glitz Pit refuse ta elaborate on, it currently be owned by this rather professional Toad businesswoman named Jolene. Yar, she be all business from the short interview I managed ta get outta 'er, so ye definitely don't want 'er mad at ye, mateys.
Anyway, I was fortunate enough ta be allowed coverage o' the Glitz Pit's main event o' the day; The current champion, Rawk Hawk, be takin' on the former champion, Prince Mush! Prince Mush mysteriously disappeared a bunch o' years ago, but 'e recently mysteriously returned ta the Glitz Pit an' 'as recently made a comeback as a wrestler after 'avin' taken a serious trainin' regiment o'er the past few months, after which 'e quickly made 'is way back up the ranks o' the Glitz Pit, which made the main event we're gonna be lookin' at t'day possible!
I was able ta get an interview outta Prince Mush b'fore the match started, an' 'e told me he be excited fer this match 'gainst Rawk Hawk! The two o' them were set ta meet in the ring a bunch o' years ago, with Prince Mush even claimin' that Rawk Hawk gave 'im a cake b'fore the match began, but because o' Prince Mush's mysterious disappearance, the match was forfeited an' Rawk Hawk automatically became champion. Prince Mush now be 'opin' 'e'll be able ta claim 'is belt back from Rawk Hawk fair an' square. Yar, as a reporter, I not be allowed ta show any bias ta either party in a sports match, but I be 'opin' Prince Mush will be seein' the match through from start ta finish.
So with that outta the way, it's time fer a rumble in the ring! First up, it be the current champion, the Feral Nuclear Reactor, Rawk Hawk! As 'e enters the ring, 'e be showin' off how amazingly awesome 'e can be! The Rawk be gettin' a bunch o' cheers from the audience, an' the promoter, Miss Jolene be steppin' up ta 'im fer a quick interview b'fore the match begins! Miss Jolene be askin' Rawk Hawk if 'e be worried 'bout Prince Mush takin' 'is title from 'im, an' Rawk Hawk be sayin' that 'e won't be breakin' a sweat in this match 'gainst Prince Mush! The Rawk also be addin' that the losers, which I can only assume are 'is fellow wrestlers, should stay 'ome playin' Super Smash Bros. Melee. Yar, don't 'e be knowin' that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate be the current 'ottest Smash Bros. game? Aye, it don't matter! The point be that Rawk Hawk ain't 'fraid o' Prince Mush comin' ta take the title back from 'im!
Next up, it be the former champion, The 'Stool Who's Cool, Prince Mush! Similarly, Miss Jolene be askin' Prince Mush if 'e believes he be 'avin' what it takes ta try an' claim 'is title back from Rawk Hawk, with Prince Mush claimin' that 'e be aware that there be a chance 'e could lose this title bout, but 'e be confident that 'e 'as a fightin' chance 'gainst Rawk Hawk! Yar, it always be good ta believe in yerself, as I always say! An' now, with that outta the way, in the words o' Miss Jolene, it be time ta brawl!
As the bell sounds, Prince Mush makes the first move, usin' 'is famous 'Shroom Jab ta start off the match, which be dealin' 'bout 4 HP in damage ta Rawk Hawk! But the Feral Nuclear Reactor don't be showin' fear, an' 'e be goin' in fer a Slide Kick, which does 4 HP in damage ta Prince Mush! But Prince Mush ain't backin' down from this fight, as 'e goes in fer a Jump Kick, which does 'nother 4 HP in damage ta Rawk Hawk!
Rawk Hawk just be warmin' up though, as 'e starts goin' fer 'is more flashy moves, like the Superman Slam, which proceeds ta do 6 HP damage ta Prince Mush! Prince Mush then proceeds ta counter Rawk Hawk's last move by goin' in fer a Ground Pound, which does 'bout 6 HP damage ta Rawk Hawk with each o' the three hits that Prince Mush manages ta land on Rawk Hawk! Yar, ye can say what ye want 'bout wrestlers, but they sure be knowin' 'ow ta put on a show fer their audience!
Yar, Rawk Hawk's HP be 'bout 'alfway depleted by now, an' it appears the Feral Nuclear Reactor be startin' ta get a wee bit worn out by now, but that don't be stoppin' 'im from tryin' ta continue defendin' 'is title! Fer 'is next trick, The Rawk goes in fer three Drop Stomps, which does 3 HP damage ta Prince Mush with every hit landed! Prince Mush's HP also be 'bout 'alfway depleted by now, an' it shows, as Prince Mush be gettin' a wee bit worn out too! But as it always goes in combat sports like this; It ain't over 'til it be over! Both fighters are gonna be fightin' 'til the bitter end, which I can't 'elp but admire!
Next, Prince Mush goes in fer a Belly Flop, which does 4 HP in damage ta Rawk Hawk! Next, Rawk Hawk goes in fer 'nother Slide Kick, which does 'nother 4 HP damage ta Prince Mush! Prince Mush similarly goes in fer 'nother 'Shroom Jab, which does some more 4 HP damage ta the Feral Nuclear Reactor! Rawk Hawk does 'nother Superman Slam on Prince Mush, dealin' 6 HP damage, Prince Mush does 'nother Ground Pound, which deals 6 HP damage, an' this goes back an' forth 'til Rawk Hawk eventually succumbs from fatigue caused by too much blows ta the body!
Yar, an' with that, it be lookin' like Prince Mush 'as won the match, an' therefore once again be champion o' the Glitz Pit! But...But what's goin' on? Rawk Hawk be startin' ta get angry, an' 'is entire body be startin' ta turn red as 'e be leapin' back onto 'is feet! Rawk Hawk be shoutin' it ain't over yet, an' 'e attacks Prince Mush once more as the match extends into a second round!
Fer 'is first move o' this second phase o' the match, Rawk Hawk goes in fer a Spinnin' Kick, which does 'bout 8 HP in damage ta Prince Mush! Prince Mush be in need o' strengths 'e prob'bly don't know 'e 'as in 'im if 'e wants ta win this second round, so the 'Stool Who's Cool goes in fer an Arm Flailer, which does 'bout 6 HP in damage ta Rawk Hawk! Next, Rawk Hawk goes in fer a Steamin' Superman Slam, which does 'bout 9 HP in damage ta Prince Mush! In response, Prince Mush uses a Grand Ground Pound, which similarly deals 9 HP damage ta Rawk Hawk!
Rawk Hawk ain't finished just yet though, as 'e comes flyin' at Prince Mush in a move apparently known as the Ballistic Bumpin', which does 8 HP in damage ta Prince Mush! Prince Mush then be goin' in fer a Front Flippin' Freakout, as 'e does a couple o' front flips b'fore comin' crashin' down on Rawk Hawk, dealin' 8 HP ta the Feral Nuclear Reactor!
Yar, this second round o' the match be sure ta keep the audience on its toes, mateys! I don't be 'avin' toes meself, but this match still be keepin' me on me toes all the same! Next, Rawk Hawk uses an Infuriated Uppercut, dealin' 'bout 9 HP in damage ta Prince Mush! Prince Mush then goes in fer the Heroic Headbutt, an' 'e charges at Rawk Hawk, knockin' the Feral Nuclear Reactor out fer real this time as Prince Mush deals 9 HP damage ta Rawk Hawk, which be all the HP Rawk Hawk 'ad left!
Yar, the match be over fer real now, an' the audience cheers Prince Mush on as their new champion! Prince Mush be tired out from all that fightin', but 'e still manages ta muster the energy ta raise 'is arms in victory, after which Miss Jolene walks over an' holds up Prince Mush's left arm fer 'im, tellin' the audience with a sheepish giggle that Prince Mush can always take a whuppin'! Rawk Hawk, on the other 'and, be dealin' with severe fatigue an' be unable ta stand up by 'imself, so Rawk Hawk is taken ta the 'ospital where 'e can recover from that severe fatigue, which by default means that I be unable ta interview the loser o' this match! Aye, but it don't matter, 'cause I 'ad a lot o' fun narratin' this match!
After the match concluded, I go outside ta grab a Hot Dog from the nearby Hot Dog Stand, which fer some strange reason be run by a pig named Mr. Hoggle. When I asked Mr. Hoggle why a pig like 'imself be runnin' a Hot Dog Stand, Mr. Hoggle responded: “Have you seen Porky Pig in Looney Tunes? He eats his own kind, so pigs selling and eating pig meat is not too uncommon within the pig community, sir.” Yar, Mr. Hoggle do be 'avin' a point there, so I don't question 'is business ethics any longer an' pay fer me Hot Dog, an' I 'appily munch on it as I 'ead into the Glitzville Fresh Juice Shop, which be run by a friendly fella named Podler. As Podler pours me a glass o' juice, we start conversin' 'bout hammers, which be Podler's special interest. In the middle o' this conversation, we suddenly 'ear the front door open, an' as me an' all the other customers turn ta look, it turns out that our newly arrived customer be a female Toad who be fairy tale princess levels o' pretty! Podler quickly makes 'is way o'er ta this fair maiden an' pours 'er a glass o' juice, which she goes ta drink quietly in the corner by 'erself.
Podler then proceeds ta explain ta me that this fair maiden be a regular at 'is shop, an' that people who frequent the bar often visit the bar more ta see this fair maiden than ta order somethin' ta drink. Aye, I be feelin' some pity fer Podler on that matter, an' I figure that now that I be 'ere, I might as well try ta get an interview outta this fair maiden since I was unable ta get an interview outta Rawk Hawk.
So I approach the fair maiden, an' I ask 'er if she be open ta an interview, an' she responds she could spare a few words words 'bout the match that took place 'tween Rawk Hawk an' Prince Mush back in the Glitz Pit. She goes on ta tell me she 'as been a fan o' Prince Mush ever since 'e first started climbin' the ranks o' the Glitz Pit durin 'is early years as a fighter, an' was 'eartbroken when 'e mysteriously disappeared all those years ago. She was always 'oldin onto 'ope that Prince Mush would return ta the Glitz Pit one day, an' she nearly jumped outta 'er skin when Prince Mush did return ta the Glitz Pit. In fact, the fair maiden informs me that she just came back ta the Glitzville Fresh Juice Shop after 'avin' watched the title bout 'tween Rawk Hawk an' Prince Mush, statin' that Prince Mush is back in the champion rank, where 'e rightfully belongs. I thank the fair maiden fer the interview, an' she thanks me fer doin' a report on it. Before I take me leave from Glitzville, I ask the fair maiden who she be, an' with a giggle, she tells me: “You don't know? I'm someone you know quite well, actually. When I go outside the arena, I like to cut loose and shed my other personality...”
Yar, this fair maiden be a mysterious one, fer sure, mateys! But in spite o' that mysterious nature, she do be 'avin a heart o' gold! But anyway, that be all the time there is fer t'day's sports news! I be Clay “The Claw” Gripson, an' I be signin' off fer this month, an' I 'ope ta see ye again next month fer me Halloween Edition o' the Sport Report! Take care 'til then, mateys!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Fighting Promotion's Sudden Closure Leaves Fans Heartbroken
Fans of the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown were left shocked following owner and promoter Waluigi Time's surprise announcement that the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown would be ceasing operations, with their last show being a special giants-only brawl. Founded a little more than two years ago by Waluigi Time Cereal founder, Waluigi Time, the promotion found a fanbase immediately with its intense matches and varied contestants. As opposed to their competition, the long-running Glitz Pit and Mushroom Wrestling Federation, who focused on a more technical wrestling style in the case of the Glitz Pit or on more tag team-style fights in Toad heavy territory, in the case of the Mushroom Wrestling Federation, Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown emphasized variety and a diversity of styles.
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown was helped heavily in its efforts to advertise when promoter Waluigi Time struck a deal with The 'Shroom, giving their main event matches near-exclusive coverage in said paper. Featuring a monthly big show as well as a syndicated TV show, Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown Central, Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown quickly rose to the number-one rated wrestling promotion in all of the kingdom.
Despite this, in the last half-year, cracks had been beginning to show. It started with the heavily hyped second-ever Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown Tournament, which saw Grunt defeat eleven other competitors to become the new Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown champion. Although a success and selling out the 45,000 seat venue, the tournament actually saw 100,000 fewer pay-per-view buys and had to move to a smaller venue in order to preserve the seats. Interest was clearly beginning to wane, with shows drawing in far fewer than they had drawn in the first year and a half of operation. While the shows were still well received and they still had the largest audience of the three major wrestling promotions, it was clear that interest had dropped considerably since its heyday. Still, it was a shock when Waluigi Time officially announced the closure of Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, issuing the following statement:
It is with a heavy heart that I am announcing the official closure of Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown. After nearly three years in the business, it's time to bring this show to an end. I'd like to thank all of the fighters and promoters we've worked with, everyone who came to the matches, and my staff for not quitting somehow.
September's match, the Clash of the Titans, will be our last, and I can promise you that it will be a showstopping event (no pun intended) that you won't want to miss, with big fighters and bigger thrills! Afterwards, all Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown assets will be sold off, so if you're interested please send your offer to 2000 Waluigi Boulevard, New Wikisburg so I can take your money. [Make this sound more professional before you send out the press release]
Following the announcement, many heartbroken fans have wondered, "why?". Why is the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown closing despite still being profitable and the number-one rated wrestling program in the kingdom? Many have speculated that the reason is the recent struggles of Waluigi Time's primary company, Waluigi Time Cereal. Once the top breakfast food producer in the Mushroom Kingdom, the company has been facing stiff competition from others claiming to offer more palatable creations. Rumors have been flying that profits are down 15-20% and that Waluigi Time has decided he needs to pour more resources into his fledgling food empire.
Others have speculated that Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown simply has an unsustainable business model. It has been a well-known fact that Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown paid the highest prize amounts to its fighters. It had even been rumored that, in order to lure superstars such as Rawk Hawk away, those superstars were offered unprecedented guarantees just for fighting in a match. This meant that, while things were hot, profits would soar thanks to splash fighters and big names, but if things were bad or even just down, the amount of money spent on fighters' salaries would make turning a profit almost impossible. Some fans of the promotion have argued that part of the problem was reliance on gimmick cards. These cards, such as the heavily-promoted Francis VS match or the first-ever title fight featuring Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown champion Grunt taking on the sinister trickster Dimentio, became more prominent in the past half a year. While these cards were heavily promoted, the numbers they drew were only described as adequate. Whatever the reasons for closure, it's clear many fans are mourning the passing of their favorite promotion, and that Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, while short-lived, will never be forgotten.
For their opinions on this development, we turn to longtime commentators Hooded Pitohui and Shoey:
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This is a classic tale of soaring too high and climbing too fast. Waluigi Time calculated that his vast fortune from his Waluigi Time Cereal Corporation would give him an instant advantage over the old head promoters of the Glitz Pit and the Mushroom Wrestling Federation. He calculated that he could simply buy his way to the top because he had coins from other sources, unlike, say, Jolene, whose income primarily comes from their respective promotion's revenue. Because of this, not only could he afford to pay the highest salaries in the industry, but he was also able to purchase the best timeslots for his televised show, Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown Central, something that was unheard of in the industry which had, until now, operated on a system where the promoters, in exchange for providing the program, were given a small percentage of advertiser dollars in exchange for the televised exposure. Now, in Waluigi Time's defense, he was in fact correct in his assumption, and within nine short months, thanks to splash hires and heavy advertising, he had indeed procured himself the number one-rated wrestling program in all the kingdom. The problem was that he essentially overextended himself, because, while he was making profits, he had essentially built a house of cards. Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown could only maintain profitability as long as interest in his product remained high. At first, interest was very high and he was selling out arenas throughout the kingdom, from the prestigious Funky Stadium to even the granddaddy of them all, the 55,000 seat Wario's Coliseum, for his first ever title tournament. But there was something Waluigi Time failed to consider, or, if he did consider it, he probably dismissed it as old head logic. The industry has always been considered cyclical in nature. A hot angle brings the crowds in, but, eventually, that cools off and the crowds dwindle until the next hot angle. That's essentially what happened. The initial highs eventually settled out. Now, for promotions like Glitz Pit and Mushroom Wrestling Federation, this might have been fine, since they controlled their costs better. But Waluigi Time was spending like the highs were going to last forever, so on even the slightest of falls the whole house of cards collapsed. Now, the fact is the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown was still in a great position, but the problem was that it was being bankrolled off the profits of Waluigi Time Cereal. So what happens if those profits drop, as they are rumored to have? That's right, he could no longer afford to invest such resources into Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown. He overextended, and, unfortunately, at the end of the day he couldn't sacrifice anymore of the true money maker, Waluigi Time Cereal, for his expensive hobby. |
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Well, Shoe, this is sad but, in my eyes, entirely expected. Those who have said that Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown's model is simply unsustainable were right all along. You had a promotion that was not only shelling out cash to lure away stars like Rawk Hawk, but that was paying an exorbitant sum to the likes of Grunt, to bring in local celebrity Andrew Trego, to haul in the Ruined Dragon, and even to capture the previously-unknown-to-science Hinokuri2 and drag it into the ring. Did it draw in crowds? Yes, at first it did, but over time the shock value has worn off. This approach isn't generating the buzz it once did, and that's translating to fewer viewers and less revenue supporting these outrageously overpaid fighters and acquisitions. I will give Waluigi Time this. He is a showman and an innovator, and he changed the wrestling landscape in the Mushroom Kingdom with his unique approaches. Paying freelance talent scouts to bring fighters to his promotion, cutting a deal with The 'Shroom, and his emphasis on variety have rewritten the rules of the game, and the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown will always be remembered as the disruptive force that it was, bringing an entirely new style with it, but all the showmanship in the world can't change business fundamentals. The cost of that variety was shelling out big bucks to fighters like the dreaded pirate Cortez, to create Fog Imposter versions of fighters, and to pay off mad doctors who entered watermelons into the ring. I don't believe outside factors like the state of Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. affected this decision. I think it was a sad-if-inevitable result of Waluigi Time's business model. While unavoidable, I do find this a sad occasion, and I will be the first to say I will miss the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown. If I know Waluigi Time, though, I know he has always been able to bounce back in the realm of business, and always has a surprise up his sleeves. Whatever his next venture, I am sure it will be as envelope-pushing as the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: ClawgripFan9001, TPG, and Magolor04726
Ahoy, Waluigi Time!
Last year, I was sailin' the seas when a storm rolled in an' caused me ta get hurled o'er the side o' me ship, after which I was eaten alive by a Cheep Chomp an' woke up in The Overthere. What can I do ta prevent such a thing from 'appenin' again?
- ClawgripFan9001
I have the feeling that telling you to just not sail is both too obvious and not what you're looking for. Luckily, I have another great plan!
You know bungee jumping, right? Where people jump from a great height but they're attached to a cord so they don't splat on the ground. Well, it's basically the same principle here. Just get a bungee cord, attach it somewhere on the ship, and then tie it to yourself! Now if you fall off the ship, you'll just boing back onto the deck. Just make sure that you get this in a good spot and the cord isn't not too long, otherwise you might end up stuck in the water, and that's basically just fishing and using yourself as bait. Not advisable.
Or maybe you could build an enclosed space to steer your ship from, like a little captain's cabin or something. I don't think that'll cause any problems, but I've never actually sailed before. I have a ship, but there's no water between the garage and the water, so moving it is always such a to-do...
Or maybe I misread your question, and you're having issue with waking up in The Overthere rather than The Underwhere. I don't know why that would be a problem, but uh... I know of a certain rooster you could try to act like.
Anchors aweigh!
Dear Waluigi Time,
Have you seen my fish?
Forever yours,
A fishless fish-wisher
There's fish all over the place! There's so many that marine biologists can't even figure out which ones are their own kinds. Needless to say, I've seen plenty of fish, but since you were pretty light on the details, I'm not sure if any of them are your fish. Maybe I should just describe the ones I've seen lately.
Before I start, I should mention that if your fish happens to be large, round, and very spiky, I suggest just forgetting about it. You'll be better off.
Okay, so there were some red and green Cheep Cheeps in that one pond, and um... There were some orange ones and spiky ones in that other one, and I saw a really big purple one in an aquarium recently, and... Oh yeah, there was a robot one too. And of course that funny singing fish on the wall, and uh...
You know what, I don't think this is very enlightening. Okay, here's my new plan. What you need is a really big vacuum pump sort of thing with a giant tank connected to it, preferably on wheels so you can easily transport it around. Then just go around sucking up entire bodies of water, and since it's all contained, you should be able to find your fish in no time! Just make sure to empty it back out once you're done checking, otherwise it gets confusing and you may or may not ruin some ecosystems in the process. Hopefully there aren't any laws prohibiting this! Although, this probably won't be effective if your fish isn't in water, and if that's the case... I'm sorry.
Best fishes!
Dear Waluigi Time,
I can’t think of anything good to ask! What do I do?
-Me
Wait a minute, I don't remember sending myself any questions! You must be an imposter! Well I'm not gonna answer any questions from someone trying to impersonate me.
Oh wait, you probably mean "me" as in you me, not me me. Okay, that makes more sense. Let me see what I can do...
If you can't think of anything to ask, then that probably means you either don't have any problems or you have problems but you don't think I'm qualified to handle any of them. If it's the latter, stop being so skeptical! Maybe I am technically "unqualified", but that doesn't mean I can't take a swing at it. Come on, throw some questions at me!
If it's the former though, well, I wouldn't exactly call not having problems a problem. But problems are a dime a dozen, so it probably shouldn't be too hard to pick up some if you really want them. You could even take other people's problems, if you want! Set up a business and charge them to take their problems off of their hands and deal with them yourself. Then you can send me questions on how to solve those problems, and we- er, you'll make a lot of money, I guess. I won't be since I give this advice out for free. I might have to rethink that if we go any farther with this.
Hey, you know what you could call it? Not My Problem! Boom, perfect name right there. If you have any openings for a marketing position, I'm available.
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page! Halloween-themed questions will be prioritized next month, so if you think you might be a horror movie protagonist and need advice, you want to dabble in mad science, or anything like that, now's a good time to send those in.
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
"So, how are the 'destroy the building' plans coming along?"
"I think I got it this time, Shbig! Having lots of guys kind of worked, and having a big guy kind of worked, so I'm thinking having lots of big guys will make two kind ofs, which adds up to regular working. Mathematics."
"..."
"Oh, and I put in a little backup option just in case that doesn't work! And if it does work, I'm still gonna do it anyway because it means I get to push a button. Now I just have to write a little press release to hopefully drive up ticket sales!"
Welcome to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament that's over! Not yet though, so don't leave. I mean after this. Yep, after almost three years on the wrestling scene, we're wrapping things up today. I'm running out of ideas for flashy fighter intros and I'm not resorting to AI-generated because Shbig is just terrible at them! Wahaha, I'm just kidding, that's not the reason. Those are pretty hard to come up with every month, though.
Anyway, you know what they say, go big or go home! Well, I'm already going home, but I decided to also go big, because why should it just be one or the other? I'm like the guy that invented neapolitan ice cream, if that guy happened to be the proprietor of a wrestling tournament on its last legs. What I'm trying to say is I booked some really big fighters! I've also completely evacuated the building as a result, so we have to watch this one on live feed from outside. I don't wanna be on the hook if anyone in the audience gets smooshed.
Okay, I'm going to get on with it and announce the fighters, and I'm going to do it quick because we've got four guys today! First up, the Confectionary Clasher, CLOUD N. CANDY!
Cloud N. Candy is... tasty? She is made out of cotton candy after all, so I guess you can eat her? But that's actually a combat strength, because as she gets smaller, she becomes more agile! Oh, but the cotton candy also has healing properties for whoever eats it... But hey, she can jump around to attack!
(Seriously? I booked this thing? What was I thinking... Well, they can't all be winners)
Heh, anyway, our next fighter is someone you might know well if you're into the olympics, it's the Tremendous Tabby, BIG THE CAT!
Our more astute viewers will probably point out that Big, despite his name, is not actually that big, relative to the other fighters in this match. That's why, to compensate, we've given him a Mega Mushroom! Now he's MEGA BIG! He can stomp smaller opponents with ease, but there aren't really any of those. But now he can go toe-to-toe with the rest of them, and uh, he could technically fish if he wanted to, but there's no water. But maybe he could hook opponents or trip them up with it, you know? A creative fighter can make a weapon out of just about anything.
Next up, we have someone with a lot of fans! I know that because he wins that one award every dang year. Wahaha, Green Giant, it's GIANT LUIGI!
What? You're saying this isn't actually Luigi, but some dreamlike approximation of him? I don't have to take that! Chuck, throw that naysayer out of here. I've got a finale match to host and I don't need complainers. Anyway, in this colossal form, the famous Luigi's jump and hammer attacks are majorly amplified, and he can pull off flashy moves involving drilling stomps and crashing stars! What more could you want? A tiny Mario? He's got that too, look on his head! Isn't that cute?
And last, but certainly not least, and don't call him least because you will die, the Raging Royal, FURY BOWSER!
Why's he so angry? I don't know, didn't ask. Not my problem. In this furious form, Bowser's bigger and badder than ever, with a list of attacks so long that it was actually several pages and I decided not to read it because I had better things to do. But you know, I'm sure he'll do some really cool stuff.
Who's going to win? Who cares! Start the match!!
Starting things off is, unsurprisingly, Fury Bowser, who rains spikes down on the arena, creating more holes in that already battered ceiling! Giant Luigi bats the ones that come towards him away with his hammer, while Cloud N. Candy just gets the ones that land on her stuck in the cotton candy. I imagine that'll solve the problem of healing when you eat her, at least? And unfortunately for Big, he's the only one to really be affected by the attack, getting hit on the head with several of them! Poor Big, he's got no counter for this. Cloud N. Candy is just bouncing around, and Luigi jumps into the air, crashing through the ceiling and just decimating it, before pulling off a Drill Stomp right onto Fury Bowser's head! Yowch!
Meanwhile, Big has hooked Cloud N. Candy with his fishing pole, and is taking the opportunity to heal up from Bowser's onslaught. Cloud N. Candy has no defense for this and tries to jump on Big, who isn't very affected since he is similarly, big. Looking at the two clearly more interesting competitors, Bowser and Luigi are going at it! Fury Bowser unleashes his fire breath at Luigi, who ducks underneath it and uppercuts Bowser with his hammer! It just isn't poor Bowser's day, and he's getting angrier by the second! Situation normal with Big and a much smaller Cloud N. Candy. We'll go back to those two when something interesting happens.
Luigi goes on the offensive yet again, attacking Fury Bowser with a Hammer Chop attack to the face and sending him sliding back across the arena, destroying yet more things in his path! Bowser retreats into his shell and leaps into the air, crashing down right on Luigi! Ooh, that's gotta hurt! The impact unleashes fiery shockwaves hitting all of Bowser's other opponents except for the airborne and, uh, very tiny actually, Cloud N. Candy! But the tiny Mario throws Luigi some mushrooms, so it's a-okay for him. And speaking of healing, Cloud N. Candy is just gone now. Big gets into the fight proper, now hooking Fury Bowser! I wouldn't want to reel in a raging beast like that, and that may be Big's last mistake - Bowser retaliates by retreating into his shell again and this time spinning across the floor into Big, who gets knocked back right through the wall! I don't know what's hurt more, Big or the building. Big doesn't look like he can recover from that though, and he's out as well!
It's down to Fury Bowser vs. Giant Luigi! He rolls up into his shell yet again, and unleashes the same attack that knocked out poor Big, spinning right towards Luigi! The giant plumber is ready for it though and hits him with his hammer, flipping the colossal Koopa onto his back! Luigi jumps into the air, and what's this? He grabs onto a star! Luigi directs it right into Bowser's vulnerable underside, crashing into him! Bowser reverts to his regular form, which I don't know why because that would probably make me even more mad, and he is knocked out! The winner is Giant Luigi but oh no what if I pushed this button that definitely won't cause anything bad to happen.
Oh would you look at that, it's the Titanium Titan rising from beneath the building, MEGALEG! And that pretty much ruins the rest of the building. But can Luigi defeat it?! He- oh man, he's absolutely going to town with that hammer of his. You know, I should've seen it coming that a robot whose weakness is measly Bullet Bills wouldn't hold up well against a hammer that size. Luigi shatters Megaleg's cage and the robot explodes, making Giant Luigi the winner, again!
And that does it for our finale match! Thank you all for coming to see the match, and to everyone who supported the tournament, and my staff for putting up with me for almost three years! I'm your announcer, Waluigi Time, and it has been a pleasure! Now, uh, I'm selling this whole shebang off, so send me an offer if you want to buy it. I like money.
"Well, that's that! Now what am I gonna do with my free time... Maybe I should write more 'Shroom sections."
"Hm. Have you noticed that the fellow who was harassing you hasn't come around at all since you started trying to sabotage the tournament?"
"...Fudge."
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace (talk)
A Rosy Vacation to Rose Town
Salutations everybody! The feline menace is here, doing my stressful job of going on holiday. As my four–and-three-quarters fans know, last month I was imprisoned at Bowser’s Castle. I was very worried, because if I couldn’t escape, I would miss my episode of Daisy and Doug. So I had to resort to something desperate.
I was very happy to receive a trophy from The 'Shroom because my section was voted the Section of the Month, which obviously meant they mixed up my name with someone else. However, this trophy was very useful for escaping. What did I do? I gave the guard the trophy in exchange for safe conduct out of the castle.
After leaving Bowser’s domain, I got myself promptly lost. It seemed I had made a turn to the Mushroom Kingdom instead of New Wikisburg. While I was slowly starving to death, I happened upon a small town. I was just beginning to relax when I remembered I, in fact, have a career. I also have a deadline. So I decided to write a travel guide to Rose Town…
Attractions
Rose Town is a village nestled deep in Toad Town valley. It sits next to Tadpole Pond, and is reached on the path known as Rose Way. Rose Town is a great waypoint to stop at on a trip through the Mushroom Kingdom, as it’s positioned near locations such as Moleville, Pipe Vault, and the Forest Maze. Unfortunately, many people skim past this area to get to the next landmark, but much culture and fun can be found if you slow down for a bit.
Rose Town is often the stopping point for many heroes, such as Mario Mario, Link Link, and Samus Samus Aran. There are esteemed locations such as Rose Shop and Rose Inn (why does everything here have rose in its name!?).
Rose Shop has everything a hero needs. They sell Mushrooms, Syrup, Pins, THICK Shirts and Pants, and this weird doll. Legend has it that the dolls sometimes are possessed by spirits with ridiculous names and come alive! Which is obviously untrue- OH MY GOSH WHAT THE PHILLIPS CD-I WHY IS THAT GENO DOLL WALKING AROUND!?!
Food
Rose Town is not exactly, uh, known for culinary expertise. Well, it’s better than Bowser’s Castle.
Transport
Take the Thwomp express down The Great Toad Town Cliff People Constantly Fall Off, and an Enix Ferry across Tadpole Pond, you will end up at Generic Woods. From there, just follow the dirt path through Rose Way, collecting plenty of coins to pay for Rose Inn, you will find yourself at Rose Town.
Accommodation
Rose Inn, more commonly known as Completely Generic Inn, is a completely generic inn. It has authentic generic staff, authentic generic heroes, authentic generic food, and authentic generic beds. It’s perfect for authentic generic fans of authentic generic stuff. And now I have said “authentic generic” so many times, they don’t look like real words.
Souvenirs
Rose Town sells one souvenir only, the Geno Doll! YAY!!
| Geno Doll | ||
|---|---|---|
|
The Geno Doll is a wooden toy, and is very popular among young children. There are endless ways to play with him! Wind him up, move his limbs, get him possessed and let him run away with a fat Italian man, throw him into Masahiro Sakurai’s office attached to a note saying “Put me in Smash”, so many possibilities! | |
| PRICE: | 50 coins | |
Reviews
- "It's a little, um, too generic for my liking. 3/10"-Generic Toad
- "GENO DOLL YEAH!!!! 1000000/10" -Gaz
Conclusion
A shorter travel guide today, definitely because I felt like it and not because I literally have two days until the deadline. Also, I finally found my way back to Shroom' Headquarters, which means I can finally follow scheduled programming, so next week we will be heading to Luigi's Mansion for Halloween! Anyway, if you have a suggestion for a location or section in The Sunshine Travel Guide, you can notify me through a private message or The Sunshine Travel Guide thread on the Forums. So for now, wait a second. I just got a message. It says I indeed win Section of the Month and if I insult the vote counters again I will be turned into a brick block. I won!? Epic! Thank you voters!! I will enjoy the troph- Oh no. I used my precious trophy to escape Bowser's Castle. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
To: ‘Shroom Staff
Cc: Toadbert Kinopio
Subject: Re: When are you coming back?
Hello guys -
Quizmelon here, sorry about the radio silence these past couple months, just been very busy, you know how it is! Just been working on my upcoming TV Tomorrow concert residency in Neon Heights, provisionally titled ‘Quizmelon’s TV Tomorrow: Screensaver’. (It’s sort of a pun, see? Cause I’m saving their screens from terrible TV? No worries if you don’t understand it, I am after all in a very upper echelon of artistry these days.)
Anyway, about my return. The good news is that E. Gadd and his Toad team have successfully built a new portal! So the option should always be there for me to come back. The even better news is - I’ve officially decided I’m not going to return to the real world! Working on TV Tomorrow is just so much easier in this dimension. Everyone loves and appreciates my stuff, I’ve got a fantastic personal agent (you’re a star, Toadbert!), a whole load of coins, and plenty of room to explore my creativity. What’s more, the TV executives here are actually decent people, and pay their workers a fair wage, so the Mushroom Kingdom Writers’ and Actors’ Guilds don’t have to strike, and there’s still plenty of great content being made. I can even keep sending you scripts through email, so you’re not deprived! No time for intros or conclusions I’m afraid, but you can write those, it’ll be no bother.
Now I will say, E. Gadd and his team aren’t super happy with my decision, think they’re a little annoyed that they did so much work, and they’re also all in a tizz about somebody being trapped in your dimension maybe? I don’t know, we haven’t really been talking recently, had a bit of a blowup about the whole portal thing. I did forward them on your concerns about the tall moustache guy you saw trying to break into the offices, though I don’t know what they’ll make of it - with all due respect, seemed a little far-fetched to me! Thanks anyway though.
Before I forget, here’s some stuff from my September TV Tomorrow shows for you to put in the ’Shroom this month:
The Shroomlock Files: The Heinous Hotel
MKBC1, 10pm
Genre: Murder mystery
The annual September Shroomlock Files special episode is upon us, and once again I have been sent no promotional photos to use that actually feature Shroomlock. Oh well. This time around, it’s a classic And Then There Were None-style mystery - Shroomlock finds himself trapped by a freak weather event in a dingy remote hotel with a collection of eccentric guests, who slowly start getting bumped off one by one as a maniacal killer checks them off their list. Can Shroomlock survive long enough to solve the case and catch the mastermind behind it all? (They’ve got another special planned for next year so my guess would be yes.)
New: Power Drive: Bowser Takeover
Koopa Troop TV, 8pm
Genre: Car show
The car show Power Drive was cancelled a couple of years ago by MKBC, only to be picked up by Koopa Troop TV and given a radical retool. Now Bowser’s the host, and it’s all about massive machines, monster modifications, and some of the craziest possible cars both on the market and off it. It’s probably no longer a useful show for anyone looking to buy their next car, or seeking information on the Mushroom Kingdom auto industry, but what it lacks there it makes up for in sheer spectacle. In tomorrow’s first episode, Bowser shows off his spiky beast of a bruiser, the Koopa Chase, and puts it to the test in a number of destructive challenges.
Live: Mushroom Kingdom Basketball
MKBC Sports, 7pm
Genre: Sport
The Mushroom Kingdom autumn sports seasons are starting again this month. And while the focus of attention will naturally be directed to karting, Strike, and baseball, I think the most exciting action this year is to be found on the basketball courts, and that’s not just because the owner of the Neon Heights theatre where my concert residency is taking place also owns the Mushroom Kingdom Basketball league, honest. I enjoy basketball and think it is a fun sport to watch. So make sure you tune into the opening match of this year’s league, as Mario, Luigi, and Peach take on Daisy, Wario, and Waluigi, and buy plenty of club merchandise too - it all goes into funding my success after all!
Cool, that’s all from me for now then. I’d love to pop back and see you guys for a day or two some time, but the portal is only a one-time use and requires quite a lot of work to build, so really don’t know how feasible that’d be! And I really don’t get a spare moment that often. I mean, I’ll be honest, I didn’t even write this reply in full, I just gave my agent Toadbert (great guy!) some draft notes and told him to do it. Got to work on my artistic vision, you know? But all the best with you, and email you again in October with another TV Tomorrow!
Quizmelon
| The 'Shroom: Issue 198 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
