The 'Shroom:Issue 202/Critic Corner
Director's Notes
Welcome to the new year! 2024! The big '24! Wow! The more things change, the more things stay the same, and for now that means business-as-usual at Critic Corner with your favorite sections to whisk you away, and soon it will be June, July, December, and then 2025!
Thank you for voting Half-Baked Reviews as December's Critic Corner Section of the Month!! Be sure to give your love to all of our sections here, and give a shout out to our writers whether in chat or in their forum threads dedicated to their sections. Be sure to vote vote vote!
And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!
As always, if you would like to help Critic Corner, we always have openings for more writers! You are free to write for sections such as Character Review and Movie Review, or really anything you'd like to do! There's no pressure to have a huge section; they can be shorter and concise! The application process is very simple, starting with reading the Sign Up page, and sending your application to Meta Knight on the forum. Any idea you have is welcome, and if you have any questions or need help signing up, please feel free to reach out to myself or other 'Shroom peeps!
Section of the Month
| CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 13 | 52.00% | Hypnotoad (talk) |
| 2nd | The Mariospective | 12 | 48.00% | Goombuigi (talk) |
'Shroom FM
We are back. It is 2024. To finally put 2023 to rest, it's time for the 'Shroom FM Awards 2023, where we celebrate the best and worst of the year's albums. 2023 has been a bit of a dull year for music but I've managed to find 40 albums I at least liked.
Honourable Mentions
I have a few. Less than last year I think?
- Parannoul - After the Magic - Maybe I'm not quite as blown away by his general style as I was a few years ago, but this is still a satisfying project.
- Everything But the Girl - Fuse - A very solid and welcome return from one of my favourite bands.
- Paramore - This is Why - Not very 'interesting' but catchy and slick nonetheless.
- Kali Uchis - Red Moon in Venus - See above.
- Laura Groves - Radio Red - Nice and mellow, and vocally sublime.
- Sparks - The Girl is Crying in Her Latte - Given how long Sparks have been going (58 years), it's beyond impressive how inventive and unique they still are.
- Afterbirth - In But Not Of - Perfectly decent for the most part, some really cool stuff going on though.
Would also like to mention Ichiko Aoba & 12 Ensemble - Ichiko Aoba With 12 Ensemble (Live at Milton Court), a really phenomenal live album. It's all previously released stuff so I won't put it on the main list - would be very high up if I did, though.
Top 40 Albums of 2023
| #40 |  |
Olivia Dean Messy |
#39 |  |
Erik Hall (c. Simeon ten Holt) Canto Ostinato |
| Stands out in a very saturated genre; lot of personality in the lyrics and sound here. | Haven't listened to much minimalist music like this, but this is nice and intricate. | ||||
| #38 |  |
Lamp Dusk to Dawn |
#37 |  |
Ayano Kaneko Towelket wa odayakana |
| Some tracks can get lost over its runtime, but still wonderful to sink into. | Energetic, solid and fun. Not much more complicated than that. | ||||
| #36 |  |
MSPaint Post-American |
#35 |  |
Meitei Kofū III |
| Unique sound and great energy. Sort of what I wanted Turnstile to sound like. | Interesting and well-built soundscapes, can draw emotional moments out of subtle things. | ||||
| #34 |  |
Black Country, New Road Live at Bush Hall |
#33 |  |
The Hives The Death Of Randy Fitzsimmons |
| Definitely like this new direction for the band, will be interesting to see how they develop. | The Hives are back! And they sound just like The Hives!! Yes!!! | ||||
| #32 |  |
Squid O Monolith |
#31 |  |
death's dynamic shroud Midnight Tangerine |
| Oh nice, Squid are good again. Atmospheric, dark and mysterious turn. | A great midpoint between straightforward pop and DDS' vaporwave roots and aesthetic. | ||||
| #30 |  |
Ana Frango Elétrico Me Chama de Gato Que Eu Sou Sua |
#29 |  |
Magdalena Bay mini mix vol. 3 |
| So warm and fun that it's easy to look past some small faults. | A very short project with a ton of cool ideas and some killer tracks. | ||||
| #28 |  |
Sofia Kourtesis Madres |
#27 |  |
Young Fathers Heavy Heavy |
| Some gorgeous deep house tracks here - very lush and intricate. | Young Fathers have a great energy and style, and it's channeled really well here. | ||||
| #26 |  |
Grian Chatten Chaos for the Fly |
#25 |  |
Tim Hecker No Highs |
| Really slick and well-written solo debut, stands out well from his work with Fontaines. | A nice and cold, deep atmosphere to this. | ||||
| #24 |  |
Jessie Ware That! Feels Good! |
#23 |  |
Nourished by Time Erotic Probiotic 2 |
| Another very solid disco album - basically a better What's Your Pleasure?. | Tight production and an wonderful vocal performance, plenty of interesting ideas. | ||||
| #22 |  |
Snõõper Super Snõõper |
#21 |  |
Álex Anwandter El Diablo en el Cuerpo |
| Huge burst of fun, energetic "egg punk"? That's the genre apparently. | Full of sublime pop songs; over an hour but doesn't feel like it at all. | ||||
| #20 |  |
Caroline Polachek Desire, I Want to Turn Into You |
#19 |  |
ANOHNI and the Johnsons My Back Was a Bridge for You to Cross |
| Opens with the bold "Welcome to My Island" and keeps doing fun, interesting things. Definitely grew on me since my first listen. | Very emotive lyricism, and ANOHNI's vocal performance is sublime. Instrumentals are nice and laid-back and this really puts the lyrics in focus. | ||||
| #18 |  |
McKinley Dixon Beloved! Paradise! Jazz!? |
#17 |  |
DJ Sabrina the Teenage DJ Destiny |
| Some of the absolute coolest beats of the year, so many subtle and brilliant touches to this. "Run Run Run" is probably my favourite song of 2023. | The longest DJ Sabrina album I've listened to yet; a truly immersive deep house experience. Even just the consistency of her work is really awe-inspiring. | ||||
| #16 |  |
London Brew London Brew |
#15 |  |
Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit Weathervanes |
| An interesting project inspired by Miles Davis' Bitches Brew, by a collective of UK jazz musicians. There's a lot going on here, really superb stuff. | Really clicked with Isbell's melancholic songwriting here; really sharp and vivid instrumentation too, very satisfying to listen to. | ||||
| #14 |  |
Mary Lattimore Goodbye, Hotel Arkada |
#13 |  |
JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown SCARING THE HOES |
| Gorgeous instrumental album - even though Lattimore's harp work is definitely the standout, the other instruments blend together with it really nicely. | Obviously a great showcase of both JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown's skills, both as rappers but also JPEGMFAIA's distinct style of production. | ||||
| #12 |  |
Kofi Flexx Flowers in the Dark |
#11 |  |
Ryuichi Sakamoto 12 |
| Wonderfully rich album - a really interesting combination of spiritual jazz with occasional hip hop elements, including features by Billy Woods and ELUCID. | Ryuichi Sakamoto's final album; largely consisting of sparse piano or electronic tracks. Minimalistic, but a lot of depth. |
| #10 |  |
Vargskelethor - Skeleton Metal X |
|---|---|---|
| I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that this is the stupidest pick on the list and that I've gone mad. You're right actually. Skeleton Metal X is in equal parts stupid, hilarious and genuinely very good. This album really balances Joel's sense of humour and skill as a musician well. There's a varied mix of styles and sounds here, which keeps it feeling fresh over its relatively long runtime. | ||
| #9 |  |
Mitski - The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We |
| I think it's very cool that "My Love Mine All Mine" ended up being Mitski's first chart hit, though more or less any song on this album would've made just as much sense. It's a great return to form after a bit of a lull; the guitars sound brilliant and the inspiration she takes from Americana makes the whole thing feel really warm and laid back. Perfect if you're in the right mood for it. | ||
| #8 |  |
Kelela - Raven |
| The way this album flows is just superb - absolutely no time is wasted, just jumping straight into the next, keeping all the focus and energy high when it needs to be. There's also plenty of more introspective, quieter moments and these are tied together by Kelela's immense vocal performance, which fits with any mood or setting the album puts out there. | ||
| #7 |  |
Billy Woods & Kenny Segal - Maps |
| A brilliant follow-up to their previous collab, 2019's Hiding Places. The atmosphere Billy Woods and Kenny Segal craft here is incredible - Woods' delivery and lyricism are fantastic. The atmosphere Segal creates is really interesting - the abstractness of the beats definitely gives it a strange, mysterious feel; but at the same time, it's all very jazzy and even a little bit chilled. | ||
| #6 |  |
Lankum - False Lankum |
| False Lankum has this incredibly dense, towering soundscape which it builds up wonderfully. Plenty of foreboding instrumentation, and the vocals here complement that amazingly well. The atmosphere is often very dark, bleak and foreboding - but there's also a fair few brighter moments, and the lushness of the strings and guitars really bring out the life in these. | ||
| #5 |  |
George Clanton - Ooh Rap I Ya |
| You would be hard pressed to find an album that sounds as fresh and bright as this; right from the massive first note of "Everything I Want", Ooh Rap I Ya is just a real joy to listen to, fully immersed in Clanton's distinctive brand of chillwave/alternative dance-inspired pop. The atmosphere is really dense and lush, it's perfect to just dive into. | ||
| #4 |  |
Carly Rae Jepsen - The Loveliest Time |
| I'll admit that last year's The Loneliest Time didn't move me as much as I was hoping, so my expectations weren't massive for this - seeing as it's a companion piece of material that was recorded but not included on that album - but this is some of the most inventive and unique stuff Carly's ever put out there, and a perfect showcase of why she's one of the best pop songwriters around. | ||
| #3 |  |
Sufjan Stevens - Javelin |
| A wonderful project from Sufjan which combines some of his most bittersweet and intimate lyrical work with huge, lush soundscapes. The guitarwork is brilliant as always, though there's plenty of moments where the focus shifts to these huge, electronic crescendoes and gorgeous backing vocals. A really deep and personal album that feels full of life, despite the heaviness of its subject matter. | ||
| #2 |  |
Peter Gabriel - i/o |
| All of the time spent on this album has definitely paid off - Peter Gabriel's voice and skill as a songwriter feel completely unaffected by the passage of time, still just as bold and creative as ever. The songs here just feel like they capture the same energy as Gabriel's earlier work without ever feeling like they're relying too much on the memory of it. The bright-side/dark-side mixes are also a really neat idea. | ||
| #1 |  |
Sampha - Lahai |
| I didn't have that many expectations going into this (and hardly knew there even was a new Sampha album coming out) but this just completely blew me away. Vocals, production, particularly the piano work - all just impossible to fault. Every song feels like it has so much depth to it, every element's doing something cool or interesting at any given time. |
Best EPs of the Year
My favourite EP of the year was Blackbox Life Recorder 21f / in a room7 F760 by Aphex Twin. I don't think he's doing much here he hasn't done before, but the songs here are classic Aphex Twin and it's just nice to have some new material for the first time in... five years?? Jesus Christ.
As for everything else, Junior Brother's Favourite by Junior Brother is a gorgeous Irish folk track; it's 19 minutes long and doesn't waste any of that time, doing so many cool and exciting things.
Finally, going...going...gone! by Hemlocke Springs is a fantastic EP too; a really fun and inventive collection of pop songs.
Worst Albums of the Year
For work reasons, my free time has been cut down a bit this year, so I've been listening to less albums I haven't really been expecting to like or click with. Also, as with every year, some of my least favourite albums tend to be little-known things I've been recommended that I'm not in the target audience for, so it would feel a bit mean to put them here.
I did just think about not having a 'worst albums' section or retitling this something stupid like 'most disappointing albums' - none of these albums are even that bad, just very average - but then I remembered that it's important to highlight what you don't like as well as you do, and also writing about things I don't like is more fun.
The album I keep coming back to as my least favourite is Blur's The Ballad of Darren. It's not awful, just immensely bland and grey. It feels like an album made out of necessity, rather than one with any bold ideas. The band are doing nothing here that hasn't been done before - they've certainly matured, but they've matured in exactly the same way every other band from the era has. An unambitious album isn't necessarily bad if it hits all the right notes (see Paramore's This is Why), but The Ballad of Darren tries and achieves nothing.
I also didn't enjoy last year's Gorillaz project, Cracker Island, an album I genuinely couldn't even remember the name of. I don't even think I've heard anyone mention this album since February. The concept behind this one felt particularly weak (which seems odd when you remember Humanz exists), the songs are bland, and Damon just doesn't sound interested at all. There's a couple of listenable tracks and - as always - some solid guest features, but this is really disappointing stuff, especially considering how imaginative Song Machine felt. Too bad that never went anywhere after 2020.
One that particularly surprised me was Oneohtrix Point Never's Again. It's just plain dull. Lopatin does at least try to incorporate some new sounds on this, but the album never does anything interesting with them; it's just completely directionless, a big pile of nothing.
Finally, Boygenius' The Record - it only seems to draw from the least interesting aspects of all three members' styles of songwriting, especially Phoebe Bridgers, whose two solo albums are fantastic. Arguably Julien Baker comes out of it the best and I've never clicked with any of her solo work.
2023 is gone. Goodbye! See you next month.
Book Review
| The Making of Another Major Motion Picture Masterpiece | |
|---|---|
| |
| Author | Tom Hanks |
| Release date | 2023 |
| Genre | historical fiction |
| Pages | 448 |
| Available From | |
Hi, everybody, and welcome back to the first Book Review of the new year! This month, we will be taking a look at The Making of Another Major Motion Picture Masterpiece, by Tom Hanks!
Now, if you love movies, you probably looked at that intro and went "THE Tom Hanks???" And yes, it is THE Tom Hanks! A couple years ago, I found his previous work, a short story collection called Uncommon Type, and I really enjoyed reading it (along with the rest of my family!) So, when I got the first word about this one in late 2022 from Barnes and Noble, I got excited. Moviemaking! Comic books! Superheroes! It all sounds amazing! But was it? Let's dive in and take a look!
The Making of Another Major Motion Picture Masterpiece is one of those books where the title tells you exactly what the book is about: making a movie. We start by looking at the life of one Robby Andersen, a little boy who lives in the town of Lone Butte, California. He loves to draw, and one day, when his uncle Bob rides into town on his motorcycle, fresh off of Vietnam deployment, he receives a comic book about the war, featuring a soldier wielding a flamethrower, much like his uncle's role in the war. Flash forward to 1970- Robby now works as a comic artist for an indie comic publisher. He decides to write another comic about the man with flamethrower from his childhood, albeit a bit more cynical than the government propaganda original. Flash forward again, and with our background established, we begin on the journey of watching Bill Johnson, director extraordinaire, making a movie using Robby's comics as inspiration.
The Making of Another Major Motion Picture Masterpiece was such a fun read, from beginning to end. It honestly felt like sitting on the floor as Tom Hanks was sitting in a comfy chair, telling stories about his time in the movie business, like a grandparent would tell their children stories of their youth. It's such a big hug of a book- it makes you laugh and root for the protagonists, and smile when they succeed. This book is mostly character-driven instead of plot-driven. You'll meet someone, get some backstory for that person, what they do in the movies, how did they get their start, what hobbies they have, and then the movie-making will continue until you meet another character. Very rarely did I find myself growing weary of getting new characters, and Hanks keeps everything moving along. That little bit of character development really makes you care about everyone, and that's the point of the book- to celebrate all of the people who make a movie happen, not just the director, or the actors, or the VFX people. What about the makeup artists? The Uber driver who ends up a production assistant? The elderly actor who isn't getting top billing? They're all important, and all of them are celebrated in this book.
One other small thing I can advertise for this book is that it can give you a chance to connect with other people, and I'm specifically talking about millennial readers or early gen z readers (that's me, sitting on the cusp of both) connecting with their boomer and gen x parents. I finished the book and handed it to my dad the same day, and within about 10 minutes of him opening it, he was already laughing at the jokes, and talking about how it reminded him of things his dad told to him. When he finished, he asked me if I thought it would be optioned to be turned into a movie. Having that kind of connection with my dad over media these days is really rare (although lord knows he tries his hardest to show interest in my weird nonsense), and being able to enjoy a book with him really made me smile. So, if you've got someone in your life that you'd like to connect with that can remember the 60s and 70s (maybe even further than that?), I'd say read this book with them. Do a book club with you and them, and you might find that they'll get nostalgic for the flashbacks contained within.
I honestly can't recommend this book enough to you. I'd say it was my favorite book of 2023, and you should absolutely read it if you ever get the chance. The hardcover can be heavy and awkward to hold at times, but if you get it on e-reader, you can take notes of important characters to keep track of everyone. So just read it! You won't regret it, and you might even make a connection that you weren't expecting.
That's all for me this month, readers! Tune in next time for a new Graphic Novel review!
Welcome back to The Mariospective! This is a series of retrospectives of every Mario game on the Nintendo Switch Online service. Last time, I reviewed Donkey Kong, and this month, I will take a look at its sequel, Donkey Kong Jr.. Let’s see how it holds up.
For new readers:
In addition, during my playthroughs of each game, I challenged myself not to use save states or rewind functionality of NSO, in order to get a more authentic experience and judge each game accordingly - otherwise, using save states and rewinds would remove a lot of the games' intended challenge. I also will be going for 100% in each game, in order to experience everything there is to experience about each one. In the older games, particularly ports of arcade games, there's the question of what counts as 100%. If such a game is meant to be infinitely replayable, it's impossible to reach a definitive end. Therefore, I decided that in such games, I would classify my playthrough as 100% once I experienced every unique stage in the game. A bit of an arbitrary metric, I will admit, but it's the best I could come up with.
| System | NES |
|---|---|
| Original Release Date |  July 15, 1983 June 1986 June 15, 1987 N/A |
| Nintendo Switch Online Release Date | May 15, 2019 May 15, 2019 May 15, 2019 May 15, 2019 |
| 100% Criteria | Beat the Chain Scene and obtain the ending cutscene |
Overview
Donkey Kong Jr. is the sequel to the game Donkey Kong. Thanks to the tremendous success of Donkey Kong, Nintendo didn't hesitate to make a sequel a year later, releasing in arcades in 1982, before being ported to the Famicom in 1983, to the NES in America in 1986, and finally to Europe in 1987. This time, the character in the name of the game is indeed the protagonist, as Donkey Kong Jr. is the playable character, while Mario is the antagonist. Interestingly, this is the only game in which Mario is an antagonist, and that’s probably for the best.
Story
This time around, Mario's an antagonist, Donkey Kong Jr. is the protagonist, Donkey Kong is the damsel in distress, which is a fair bit different from this game’s prequel. The story of Donkey Kong Jr. directly follows the original game. After kidnapping Pauline in the previous game, Mario cages Donkey Kong as revenge, resorting to his son, Donkey Kong Jr., having to rescue him. He has to traverse through the jungle to the city. Like the previous game, it’s a basic, but sufficient story.
Gameplay
Although Donkey Kong Jr. has many gameplay parallels to its prequel, there are some new elements introduced as well, the vines being the most significant addition. The vines are interesting because they introduce a whole new mechanic to the game, which completely changes the vertical movement compared to the original Donkey Kong. Vines are used to move vertically instead of ladders, and they function quite a bit differently. Donkey Kong Jr. can either jump or shift from one vine to another, and the mechanics for ascending and descending are different depending on how many vines he holds on to, which is a mechanic that I quite like. When climbing up, it's quicker to hold onto two vines at once rather than one, but on the other hand, to descend quicker, the player should only hold on to a single vine. Because of these new gameplay elements, the vines are quite a bit more enjoyable to use than ladders from the previous game - they can be faster to climb, and there is more strategy centered around them. However, they can be finicky to control, as it isn't immediately clear that if the vines are too far from each other, the player can't just jump across them - in fact, jumping across vines won't work at all. The player has to actually shift across the vines to traverse across them.
In addition, fruit is added as a weapon for Donkey Kong Jr. to kill enemies. They sort of serve as a parallel to the hammer from the first game in that, besides jumping, they're the only way to kill enemies. However, the fruit function very differently, and are more situational. When Donkey Kong Jr. touches a fruit, it drops down and kills any enemy directly below that it touches. This can lead to some interesting strategies, with timing when to touch the fruit so as to eliminate an enemy. However, they are very situational, and I find that I can't rely on them very much, even less so than the hammer.
Like with its predecessor, some lessons in Donkey Kong Jr. can really only be learned through death, which is not my greatest preference for teaching mechanics. I'm of the opinion that games should teach their mechanics, at least in the earlier levels, without much risk of death, as that just pushes the player down. But at the same time, I understand that this is a direct port of the arcade counterpart, which was designed to bring people back to spend more quarters - it was intentionally harsher. On the other hand, like with Donkey Kong, each stage has multiple ways to go about traversing them, with some nifty shortcuts if they're skilled enough and know the stages well. This is great as it incentivizes replayability, which gives this game an advantage, even though it doesn't have that many stages. I don't think there are as many different paths as in the previous game (Mario's Hideout in particular is fairly linear), but the enemies and their unpredictability does help to give each playthrough some variety, even if they can cause some frustrating deaths. Overall, I feel that this game focuses more so on enemy strategies, whereas Donkey Kong focuses more on level traversal.
Stages
Being a direct sequel as well as reusing some of the code of Donkey Kong, it's no surprise that Donkey Kong Jr. has some elements of gameplay that are very reminiscent of its prequel. The controls, for instance, are nearly identical, slipperiness and all. With regards to the stages, I'm pleased to say that there are four present in the NES version as opposed to three in the prequel, as none of the stages were cut this time around. The game takes place in jungle and city settings, so stages are named differently this time - Vine Scene, Jump Board Scene, Mario's Hideout, and Chain Scene. Like with the original Donkey Kong, I'm going to briefly go through each of them.
The first stage, Vine Scene, features, well, lots of vines. This first level is riddled with vines, presumably to teach the player how to use them. Some enemies are featured too, and these are called Snapjaws. They’re unique in that they like to climb up and down vines just like Donkey Kong Jr. does, which can make dodging them fairly tricky. It also doesn't help that like the first game, the enemies here are also pretty unpredictable, which can lead to some frustrating deaths. However, Donkey Kong Jr. does have fruits at his disposal, which he can use to defeat the enemies. In terms of structure, this is arguably the easiest stage to traverse, with the only hazards essentially being the enemies and the risk of falling from the vines leading to an instant death.
The next stage, Jump Board Scene, features a spring, or a "jump board", as referred to in the game, to change up the gameplay. The jump board can be finicky to work with, as bad timing can make Donkey Kong Jr. bump right into the small moving platform above. However, a well-timed jump can skip a chunky portion of the level, which is satisfying to pull off. This level can be quite tricky to navigate due to the amount of moving parts - not only is there a small moving platform that the player has to precisely time their jump onto, there are also moving chains that can be climbed down, but they grow and shrink as well as move left and right. This is by far the most intense stage to navigate, and the pesky birds, called Nitpickers, don't help. They throw down eggs every so often, but they're not too much of a nuisance, since the eggs only seem to fall down specific parts of the level, and thankfully don't pose much of a threat when Donkey Kong Jr.'s on one of the short chains. The top of the level, on the other hand, is very reminiscent of the first level, but features some bird-dodging instead of claw-dodging. This can be a very finicky level to traverse, but in terms of enemies, it's mostly tame.
The third stage is titled Mario's Hideout. While this stage doesn’t remind me much of Mario, it does have a cool electric look. It's essentially the exact opposite of the second stage - whereas that one had a hard layout and easy enemies, this one has an easy layout and hard enemies. The layout couldn't be simpler - hop from platform to vine, vine to platform, but the enemies are very quick. These enemies are called Sparks, and circle around each platform or travel between them. They can be very unpredictable, and are hard to react to in time due to their sheer speed. Some are faster, some are slower, some are red, and some are blue. But on the whole, this stage isn't too hard once you learn how to dodge those enemies.
The last stage is Chain Scene, and like the last stage in Donkey Kong, this one's not about simply getting to the top this time. This time, the player has to push six keys up to Donkey Kong's cage in order to free him and to destroy Mario. Nevertheless, Donkey Kong Jr. has to use the chains to bump all of the keys to the top. This is quite the challenge, because this time, the level features two types of enemies - Snapjaws and Birds. Yep, they're just called Birds. This combo of enemies is particularly deadly, and I think this was intentional, because the Birds move horizontally, and the Snapjaws move vertically, challenging the players to ultimately avoid enemies from both directions, all while going up and down to push up all six keys. There's a lot thrown at the player, and I find that this is the level I die the most on. It rightfully deserves its place as the final level.
Presentation
Visually, this game is just like its prequel, and some assets are even ripped right from it. In terms of sound, though, I might actually prefer Donkey Kong Jr.’s music. Each stage has different music, and although short, the music sounds more interesting than Donkey Kong’s. Donkey Kong Jr. has the same modes as Donkey Kong - there's 1-player Game A, the standard mode, 1-player Game B, in which the difficulty increases faster as the levels repeat, 2-player Game A, which has take-turns multiplayer, and 2-player Game B, which is take-turns multiplayer with a faster increase in difficulty. Unlike Donkey Kong’s Game B, which didn’t feel that much more difficult to me, Donkey Kong Jr.’s Game B feels substantially harder than Game A, especially with how the enemies move. Other than that, not much to write home about here.
Conclusion
If you liked its predecessor, it's safe to say that you'll like this game as well, since it has a very similar gameplay philosophy, level structure, gameplay loop, and visuals. However, that means it comes with the inherent limitations just like the previous game, with limited replayability and controls which are unpolished and slippery compared to modern standards, even compared to the later NES games. However, this game, specifically the NES version, has a leg up on Donkey Kong for having four stages this time around instead of only three. It's interesting how this game has more of an emphasis on vertical movement, which by comparison was more restrictive in Donkey Kong. However, this game strays further from Mario's roots - not only is he the antagonist instead of the protagonist, the game also has more vertical movement, whereas Mario's platformers tend to be more horizontal-based, as we'll see in the very next game. It ultimately comes down to personal preference as to which of the two entries you prefer (personally, I prefer Donkey Kong Jr.), but chances are, if you like one of them, you'll like the other as well.
Despite its glaring similarity to Donkey Kong and that game's success, Donkey Kong Jr. wasn't as popular. That's not to say it was bad or received poorly critically, but Donkey Kong is simply more groundbreaking and revolutionary in its gameplay and long-term impact. After all, lightning doesn't often strike twice. But since these games are neck in neck, I will say that when comparing the NES versions, I prefer Donkey Kong Jr., just by virtue of having four levels rather than Donkey Kong's three. That's 33% more content than Donkey Kong, pretty substantial for a game like this. And while the original Donkey Kong is what I’m more familiar with, I still like the stage design and mechanics of Donkey Kong Jr. enough to call this one the better game. You should definitely try out Donkey Kong Jr. if you enjoy the original Donkey Kong, or if you want to see Mario being evil.
I hope that you enjoyed my review of Donkey Kong Jr.! Next time, I will take a look at Mario Bros. See you next month!
Van Shoeul's House of Ghouls
Written by: Vincent Van Shoeul (talk)
| Swing You Sinners! | |
|---|---|
| |
| Genres | Horror |
| Release date | 1930 |
| Starring | Billy Murray |
| Directed By | Dave Fleischer |
| Runtime | 7 Minutes and 56 Seconds |
| Produced By | Max Fleischer |
| Streaming | YouTube |
Good evening, dear readers, and welcome back to Van Shoeul's House of Ghouls. I'm your guide through the darkness, Vincent Van Shoeul. Our last feature was Witchfinder General, the darkest picture of the Vincent Price catalog. This month, we return to early days of animation with perhaps the most twisted of all 1930s cartoons, Swing You Sinners, a tale of ghostly revenge, and my favorite cartoon created before 1958. But before we begin, I must warn those of the faint of heart to turn back, to turn away from this ghostly tale. But for those of you brave enough to remain, I can promise you this will be a thriller.
For tonight's featured performer we once again turn to Bimbo, one of the Golden Age of Animation's more forgettable stars (coming soon to a Pipe Plaza section near you!). In this cartoon, Bimbo plays the role of dastardly chicken thief who, after narrowly escaping the police, finds himself facing off against something much scarier than prison: a graveyard full of ghosts set on punishing him for his sins. Can Bimbo repent for his sins, or have his actions already doomed his soul?
Created by Fleischer Studios, this fifth installment in the series of Bimbo cartoons has an interesting history. Shortly before this cartoon was made, Disney had pulled a successful talent raid on Fleischer Studios. As a result, Swing You Sinners! ended up being created by an entirely new crew hired by Max Fleischer. Many of these new staff members had never actually worked on an animated cartoon before!
A musical cartoon, as was the style of the time, Swing You Sinners! is based on one of the year's most popular songs, "Sing, You Sinners!". Except Swing You Sinners! is a very dark take on the song. While Swing You Sinners! maintains the hot jazz beat of many versions of '"Sing, You Sinners!" and the intro contains a fast-paced choral version of the song's lyrics, "Sing, You Sinners!" is a positive song about using song to get closer to God and absolving your sins, and Swing You Sinners! is a uniquely dark cartoon about various ghosts and ghouls attempting to murder our "hero", Bimbo.
So, like I said, this is a musical cartoon, which was pretty standard for the time. Sound cartoons, while appearing before Steamboat Willie, weren't really popular until Steamboat Willie came along and really changed everything.
A lot of late 20s early 30s cartoons really leaned heavily into using popular music of the day as kind of the hook and basis for their cartoons. If you read my section in issue 200 on the original Looney Tune Bosko the Talk-Ink Kid (and especially if you read next month's on fucking Buddy), you'll know I'm not really a fan of that style of cartoon. Oftentimes, these really early cartoons use music to kind of paint over the fact that they have only very simple gags and little plot, so a lot of them are just boring. Swing You Sinners!, however, in my opinion is the best of all the cartoons heavily based around a piece of music.
The music compliments the various segments of the cartoon perfectly. It starts out with kind of a tense but silly rhythmic tune when Bimbo is trying to sneak up and steal the chicken. Then it moves into a fun and silly style punctuated with violins and horns when the police officer is pursuing Bimbo. There's a very creative little spot where they have the police officer yell at Bimbo, only for it instead to be a horn noise. Then, once Bimbo escapes into the graveyard, the tone shifts yet again. Now the music is slower and more subdued as the ghosts run down a list of Bimbo's crimes while a background chorus of ghosts issues threats to Bimbo. Finally, after the ghosts are done telling him he'll never commit another sin, the music picks up its pace. Now it's hot jazz consisting of various horns and piano. it's fast-paced music accompanied by singing, including a part where a ghost possesses a chicken and does scat singing. This is, to me, the perfect use of music in one of these cartoons. Everything feels so well planned out. There's no point where I don't think the music fits the cartoon. It's a natural progression of tempo and instruments as the cartoon progresses.
There isn't a single weak part of this cartoon. Even the beginning portion, with Bimbo stealing a chicken, which you'd think would be the weakest part of the cartoon, is well-done. You'd think it'd be a bore since instead of being a dark murder ghost jazz song, it's more of a fun kind of silly sequence of Bimbo trying to steal a chicken and then avoid the police, but it incorporates a lot of creative gags. For instance, when Bimbo attempts to escape the cop, the chicken ends up one his back and ends up walking Bimbo towards the cop as Bimbo begs it to stop. There's also the cop turning his hat into a horn in time with the music. But my favorite gag in this sequence and one of my favorites in all of 1930s animation is Bimbo's attempts to even grab the chicken. Bimbo lunges at the chicken and he and the chicken enter a big ball of violence. The whole cartoon rotates, and, when it's done, Bimbo and the chicken have changed positions.
This is done three times, and it's great every time. The first time, Bimbo and the chicken change clothes. The second time, they change clothes back, and then the third time Bimbo and the chicken change heads! It's a very fun and well-done spot that ends with the chicken making it into the safety of the chicken coop. It all segues into the next sequence as Bimbo reaches his arm in there and pulls out a police officer, starting the officer's pursuit of Bimbo.
Everything is so vibrant and striking in this cartoon. They had a theme, they had an idea, and they just knock it out of the park. I would actually say that the scenes in the graveyard are maybe the weakest part of the cartoon. Don't get me wrong; it's great set up work, but it's missing the wild surreal imagery of the what happens later in the cartoon and it doesn't have the silly nonsense that the chicken theft/cop chase scenes have. Like I said, the music for this portion is a lot slower and it's more subdued. The scenes themselves fit the music playing perfectly, and there's some pretty good visual stuff in this portion too.
This portion's gags start immediately with the graveyard's entrance changing from a regular entrance to a foreboding gate, with the key being quite literally eaten by the lock. There are a lot of great visuals throughout the graveyard scenes. I really like the part where the earth of one of the tombstones rises from the ground and sings a line of the song, admonishing Bimbo. Then there are some little details that I think are neat, like a skeleton rising from the grave to put a "for rent" sign on an open tombstone or one of the bodies in a grave stretching before going back to bed. I think my favorite part of the graveyard is when they sing Bimbo's sins. It's done in a very neat way. Three different creatures each get a line running down a particular crime, to which Bimbo always replies "I don't X no more" (with the crime filling in the "X") and trying to beg the ghosts for mercy. I think what I like most about this is, not only do I think it's a fun portion of the song with solid vocal performances, but the ghosts really go out of their way to torment Bimbo here by taking on various forms, my favorite of the three being the last one, because the ghost literally possesses Bimbo's own shadow.
But you learn what the ghosts are so mad about, and it's just so stupid, lol. So, the three crimes Bimbo has committed in the ghosts' eyes are:
- Stealing chickens
- Shooting dice
- Chasing women.
Now funnily enough, you might think the chicken stealing one is ridiculous, but this cartoon does take place during the Great Depression, so stealing that chicken means Bimbo is taking food out of someone's mouth. But, like, chasing women and shooting dice? What, are these ghosts puritans?
I think the stuff that happens after Bimbo gets eaten by the barn are what solidifies this as one of the finest cartoons ever made. In the barn, the music is hot and we are immediately subject to a pretty great little action sequence of Bimbo narrowly avoiding the spirits as they fly around him, attempting to grab him before possessing a pile of hay and threatening him with a pitchfork. As this happens, the delightfully dark, delightfully catchy lyrics are being sung, listing the various things that the spirits plan to do to Bimbo, such as tying his bones in a knot and amputating an unspecified part of him. The spirits are quickly changing what they possess, going from a bag of animal feed, to a scythe, and finally to a giant chicken.
The giant chicken is probably one of the coolest parts of the cartoon. It scat sings and dances a very disjointed dance, but as it's doing that, its eyes begin to change, becoming more pained, changing from having regular pupils to having pupils with an ever growing white circle in them. It's almost as if it's possessed by one of those parasites that change the color of snails' eyes to make them look like caterpillars. It's such a great scene, because not only is the dancing wildly disjointed and not only is there quality scat singing accompanying it, but it really gives you such a different example of the terror the ghosts are causing.
I want to give a special shoutout to something that I don't think is appreciated enough with this cartoon, which is how well they animate Bimbo's fear. They just do so many different things throughout the cartoon, from having him beg for mercy to him breaking out in a cold sweat at various times. But there are some really good little details, especially in the sequence at the start of the barn, where Bimbo is constantly animated to be quaking in fear, even at one point rubbing in eyes in terror as if he's hoping this is all his imagination. For a cartoon that was animated by a brand-new team, it's amazing just how well they do even the smallest of details.
The barn itself is full of wild dark humor, from ghosts who essentially twerk to ones who slap their own asses. One ghost constantly hits Bimbo in the ass with the trombone he's playing. Or take my personal favorite, two ghosts that pursue Bimbo, with one with a noose and the other with a razor as they tell Bimbo he's about to get his face lifted and a permanent shave. I think about those lines because they're just so gruesome on their face.
The ending is one of the weirdest things I've seen in animation. Escaping the barn, Bimbo is pursued by some ghouls with strange designs, including at one point the barn itself, which sprouts ghost heads like it's a hermit crab!
These ghouls are just so odd in nature. Many of them are the classic bedsheet ghost, but you've also got a strange reptilian ghost, heads with only feet, and finally goober-looking ghosts with tentacles instead of legs. Finally, Bimbo is chased into a cave by a literal army of ghosts, with a really cool shot shortly before this where the entire surrounding countryside is blocked off by a wall of ghosts.
Bimbo is transported to an acid trip hellscape. Horrifying visuals fill the scenes, such as a giant-headed bespectacled ghost who lights matches with his tongue before dancing off screen. A line of ghosts slap their own asses as they dance. A giant frog monster rubs itself all over as it sings scat. As this happens, streams of light fly and pop all over the screen almost like fireworks. All of this is accompanied by fast hot jazz and my favorite lyrics of the entire song. The lyrics are so dark and threatening, my favorite being the final refrain:
We'll stretch you like a giraffe / Maybe pluck you in half? / Just to give us a laugh! / Swing you Sinner!
Note that this is sung as Bimbo floats around this nightmare world getting his head cut off by a giant knife, narrowly avoiding being attacked by a floating head, and finally being eaten by a giant skull. That's how the cartoon ends, by the way. It just ends with Bimbo being stuck in this acid trip hell, I guess, being tortured by ghosts for the dreaded crime of stealing chickens! Everything about this is just so weird; it's all so striking. Like, the cartoon was already pretty wild, but then you hit the ending and it's just one of the craziest things I've seen in animation! You're given this nightmare acid trip full of odd visuals including a sort of background fog effect that I assume is supposed to represent the fires of hell, and it's all accompanied by extremely dark, extremely catchy lyrics. It's the perfect ending to what I think is a perfect cartoon.
Like I said, Swing You Sinners! is easily my favorite musical cartoon, and it's probably my favorite of the theatrical era of cartoons in general. It's just so different from what anybody else was doing. It's so weird, it's so dark, and the animation is striking.
The ghost and ghouls are such odd gruesome creations. The music perfectly captures the cartoon's feel, changing between four different styles seamlessly, with catchy lyrics for the singing portions. There were other cartoons that would use this kind of gothic spooky aesthetic. Most famously The Skeleton Dance did it, but the The Skeleton Dance is just a silly dancing cartoon with a spooky theme. Swing You Sinners! is like an actual horror film condensed into an 8-minute short. It's an extremely well-made cartoon, which is super impressive considering it was made by a mostly brand-new staff. Swing You Sinners! is a very unique cartoon. Not only do I think it's a standout of the early age of sound animation, but I think it's a standout of the entire Golden Age of Animation!
That will conclude this month's little tale. The moral of this month's story? If you steal a chicken, stay away from ghosts. With that, our little tale is at an end. As always, I've been the Chronicler of Horror, Vincent Van Shoeul, inviting you to join us next month for another horrifying tale in Van Shoeul's House of Ghouls.
Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)
Featuring art by: Toadbert101 (talk)
Hot Cocoa, Part 5
It’s amazing just how many hot cocoa mixes I have bought in the three years since my first hot cocoa review, and by ‘amazing’ I mean terrifyingly overwhelming. I simply must do another hot cocoa review, maybe like another two, three, four, it’s honestly horrifying and it’s not even just that. So many chocolate bars, jams, chips, milks, snacks, treats, experiences as it is simply easier to accumulate more and more material that piles up much faster than I can reasonably write about and release in an approachable size and format. This has had several effects on my workflow, both positive and negative, with me having a constant stock of things to write about, but quite a bit of tension battling time and presentness as when I acquire new products that I want to review more I end up with things that I don’t get to for sometimes years after actually trying them, as well as hesitation with trying anything new.
To remedy this, as I do not foresee myself ever slowing down, I will use 2024 to push out as much backlogged and stored items as possible, while supplementing them with relevant new things as I go, and as so here we are with some more hot cocoa! I will continue to use my review scale as this is a continuation, so to recap that:
Criteria
Creaminess - Is the texture appropriate and pleasant?
Chocolatiness - Does it even taste like chocolate?
Comfort - Does this make me feel snug and cozy?
Quality - Miscellaneous aspects that can make or break (i.e. ethics, aroma, atmosphere, craftsmanship, allure, ease).
Value - Is it even worth buying?
Rather than drone on any longer without actually getting to any review, I’ll break into technicalities and specifics as appropriate throughout the reviews. And, as with my milk review from a year ago, this is entirely subjective and vulnerable to shifting moods and feelings, as well as subject to whatever information I have available to me. This is just meant to be internally contextualizing since there’s a lot! If you want me to explain a number better, go right ahead and message me in chat and I’ll gladly talk more about hot chocolate.
As I have grown in those years, I have experienced more and accumulated more, so ‘hot cocoa’ itself may not cover all hot chocolates, drinking chocolates, chocolate drink mixes, etc., but it’s pretty satisfactory to me as a generalized descriptor of what you and I are to be expecting.
AJ Chocolate House
Founded in 2002 in Vilnius, Lithuania, AJ Chocolate House recently opened their first shop in the US in August of 2023, and lucky me it’s right down the road. Based on pictures of their 25+ European locations it seems they all follow a similar format and general look, which is neat, but made me think that maybe those ones are also across the street from their equivalent of a 7-Eleven that has no gas pumps. That sounds like a jab at their location choice, but I actually find it kinda charming and puts a nice cozy spot in an otherwise extremely car-filled busy intersection and replaces what used to be a pretty ugly gold-and-diamonds store with something that brings a comparable level of class to the city’s high-end strip, and the fact that it has parking reserved just for business there is amazing and wild for a place that’s primarily only street parking or a parking garage that has 90% of spots empty but permanently reserved for businesses that absolutely do not need it. AJ Chocolate House specializes in handcrafted Belgian Couverture chocolate, which just means high quality, and acts as more of a dessert lounge with very little traditional table seating occupying the perimeter and instead more with exquisite armchairs and couches that offer either a communal or intimate feel. The owners state that “it’s an elevated chocolate experience in an elegant space” for an “elegant evening” for “that clientele”, and I can attest to the makeup of the guests during my visit being almost entirely well-dressed older gents with young tight asian girls being very visibly dissatisfied with the gifts their nervously shuffling chasms of money just handed them, or later-side-of-middle-aged white women painfully obviously gawking at the only table of black people in the place through a window that I’m sure they thought was a one-way mirror–a lovely distillation of the kind of people that live and shop around Park Ave. Not a single pair of daddy-bought sockless boat shoes to be seen, with me and my brother, in our basically-30s, being the youngest in the place if you’re not counting the staff that all seemed to have been hired three hours before we got there.
Once you get past the dazzle of their huge display case filled with ice cream, cakes, and chocolate trinkets bearing names like ‘coffee explosion’, on the counter you can find maybe one or two paper copies of the menu that people were sharing but I snagged because the concept of sharing a paper menu with a crowd of people is disgusting and absurd. Upon opening it, ‘Real Hot Chocolate’ is the first item listed, offering the flavors of milk, dark, and white, but with no explanation of what makes it ‘real’ or any other detail at all besides price. It was amazing, really adding to the atmosphere of casual people-watching, to see people order a hot chocolate and receive a little baby espresso cup of grungnort and go through various stages of shock and grief while the 19 year old trying to earn her first dollar while attending the $60k a year private college across the street that generational wealth paid for tries to politely explain the concept of European-style hot chocolate. I commend these angels, doing their best to attend to an incredibly finicky and high-maintenance clientele with what seems to be incredibly thin training and point-of-sale infrastructure. It’s oddly gauche to declare that European-style hot chocolate as the real one, though technically correct as ‘hot chocolate’ refers to the thicker mix of cream, sugar, cornstarch, and chopped and melted chocolate while ‘hot cocoa’ refers to the thinner blend of cocoa powder and milk/water, and sorta thwarts the posh atmosphere with what feels more like a tourist entrapment, but my issue with this falls more to the design of the menu, of which I also have issues with the chosen typeface and general plainness of it, but I digress.
I saw on their menu that they offered waffles that had their hot chocolate drizzled on top, and at this point I fully realized that this is just hot fudge made into a posh delicacy, but, before I could fully indulge in one of the best foods ever made on earth, the lovely cashier nervously informed me that they stop making waffles at 2pm. While I accepted this truth, it further solidified a primary edict I will make within the first hour of usurping total control over all creation, that bakeries and breakfast food will be available throughout the evening and that restaurants catering to this that close down by 2pm need to be legislated into compliance or out of existence with all those who pioneered the timelocked concept to be held in brainwashing camps until rendered obedient.
So, I simply ordered the hot chocolate. Of the three options available, my brother and I got the milk and dark, and what I received appears to be literally just their proprietary chocolate but melted into a tiny mug, as I do not have access nor, honestly, an adequate willingness for too much public questioning to ask what the ingredients are. The mugs and glasses were given an aesthetic drizzle of chocolate on the sides, which by standard I just disagree with, but the trail was mostly inside the mug with just a little bit on the outside; I will admit it looked cute, as it was not a horribly sloppy mess and instead simple enough to just wipe off with my finger or even lick off during a single sip if I so chose. The dark chocolate tasted like dark chocolate, as any dark chocolate would taste, but this lacked any offputting bitterness and instead was just a full and rich nutty and creamy chocolate flavor. The texture was so warm and smooth–not a velvet blanket, but like the idea of how pearly matte photo paper feels, very comforting but light enough to not have you sinking into it. The milk chocolate, to no surprise, tasted like milk chocolate, with the contrast between the two emphasizing how much more sweet and cream-flavored this is, taking off a lot of the fullness and nutty flavor, but still filling your mouth with a wonderful sensation. The visual of it being just a small puddle of melted chocolate forced me to savor it, which led to the funny fact of how quickly these cooled, and subsequently hardened, with it becoming impossible to sip or scoop by about halfway down and instead had to use the spoon to break through the Elmer’s Glue gob bubble or scrape at it. Someone else might say this is poor, but I found it kinda fun to play around with it and loosened feelings up, and chew on what was previously a liquid.
They also offer it with steamed milk at no extra cost*, at least none that was declared or that I noticed, which I appreciated but also felt kinda bad for them that they had to offer this option at all. Doing this increases the total volume of consumable product from the roughly 2 oz squirt of chocolate into a visually worthwhile 8 oz mug, and definitely dilutes the chocolate flavor a bit but there’s still a deeper flavor to it that’s toasty and sweet enough to allow me to basically chug it rather than slowly savor it. The mug is glass and you can see the blob of chocolate sitting on the bottom along with a tasteful decorative line of it going up the mug and barely escaping the side just as with the espresso mug. Sure it’s an extra step, but I did like being able to see the chocolate stir into the hot milk as I whipped it around myself, kind of an interactive element I appreciated because there’s sure not much else going on at the place to the point that the lady nearby got bored with her anxious elderly money pit after he got her the wrong expensive gift and started talking to us. I ended up using some shavings from my original solidified dark hot chocolate as a bit of tasteful and functional garnish, which if any AJ Chocolate House peeps are reading this as I’m sure the SEO on this will be higher with there being not much else out there, I highly recommend you add this touch to your steamed milk hot chocolates because it just felt like such a good finishing touch to me that achieves that elevated ‘elegance’ that your marketing and PR push out. Scrape it out of unfinished mugs from apprehensive Americans who are offended it didn’t come in a 64 oz sippy cup, I don’t care, just do it.
I do appreciate the complementary carafe of cold ice water that was provided, definitely sold me on the idea of coming back.
-Creaminess ------- 
-Chocolatiness --- 
-Comfort ------------
-Quality -------------
-Value ---------------
Total: 22/25
Mythk Brewing Krampus Cocoa
If you know me, you’d know that something I like doing on my time off is to spend all of my money on things I like, whether it’s new gourmet food, something quirky, something relevant to reviews I’m building, and something spooky, and it’s spectacular when it’s all of that. During a regular trip to Prometheus Esoterica, an oddities shop in Orlando, I saw this Krampus Cocoa displayed on the counter for their standard $13 price for a 4 oz bag. Very exciting moment, as they usually just stock coffee, and coffee shops tend to neglect the vast potential of hot chocolate and instead treat it as a simplistic cheap treat. Unlike their coffees they sell made by Coffee Shop of Horrors, the Krampus Cocoa is made by Mythk Brewing, a ‘phantom brewery’ based in Delray Beach with no physical sales location and with a Lake Mary address listed on the cocoa package as that is where this specific product was made. I’ve personally seen Mythk Brewing set up at several large spooky markets in the last couple of years, typically at the same table or next to the Prometheus Esoterica stand, which makes sense given the owners of each share a last name–I love seeing good family synergy.
The german chocolate cake flavor is a fun theme that superficially stays close to Krampus’ Alpine origins that keeps it seasonally relevant while still being an otherwise safe flavor combination. Dutch cocoa, powdered sugar, brown sugar, milk powder, toasted coconut, cornstarch, cinnamon, and vanilla powder make up the ingredients, which leans a bit towards a drinking chocolate than what you’d imagine a hot cocoa mix to be and promises to have a greater level of thickness. What makes german chocolate cake ‘german’ is, well, one, that it’s not german but German’s, and that it uses a milder baking chocolate and a coconut-pecan frosting, but not cinnamon, so I’m glad on both a thematic and gustatory level that the cinnamon flavor is minimal, compared to other flavored cocoas that overplay their hand. I further appreciate the subtle toasted coconut flavor not being physical coconut flakes, as you would find on any standard german chocolate cake and are the bane of my existence. The vanilla and brown sugar definitely support a sense of warmth that is welcome, and perhaps is also why the cinnamon is there too.
The texture isn’t so thick, but it definitely has a smoother and creamier feel, and serves as wonderful proof of concept of including powdered sugar and cornstarch as stabilizers and thickeners to greatly enhance the cocoa experience beyond what you’d get from a cheap and ubiquitous packet of Nestlé or Swiss Miss.
-Creaminess -------
-Chocolatiness ---
-Comfort ------------
-Quality -------------
-Value --------------- 
Total: 20/25
Swiss Miss
Being as cheap and ubiquitous as Swiss Miss is, I have seen them go on sale basically every other week and it’s hard to resist stocking up with “Anton, you already have about 30 other hot chocolates and cocoas just sitting there pushing the limits of shelf stability in regards to food safety as well as architecturally” keeping me from doing it, but product innovation fixates my gaze and before I know it the credit card scanner is incessantly beeping. I sure did see a lot of twists on the classic Swiss Miss this year, more than the original honestly. All kinds of flavors, variants, collabs, stretching available shelf space to push out the regular type into maybe one or two facings as you can now see happening with Oreo.
Pumpkin Spice
I have found it difficult to say anything about these because it’s just Swiss Miss cocoa, you know how it is, just a pretty-alright-but-nothing-special cocoa mix. Not even Miss Tami Dunn could muster up anything more than it’s sweet, it tastes like chocolate, it tastes like pumpkin spice, and it would’ve been creamier if they used milk instead of water. But through this simplicity is the praise: it is a super cheap and highly available option that tastes exactly like what it says it is, all virtues that not many others can achieve.
-Creaminess ------- 
-Chocolatiness ---
-Comfort ------------
-Quality -------------
-Value ---------------
Total: 18/25
White Chocolate
What I find funny about this is that the ingredients for the White Chocolate are effectively the same as the basic Milk Chocolate but just without the cocoa, and a little more cream and thickener, rather than them using any cocoa butter at all. This kinda tastes like white chocolate, sure, but what comes through more is that it feels incredibly smooth, like how it feels to rub an organic chip bag but with your throat. Definitely has a distinct flavor beyond just hot milk, but I’d sooner chalk that up to the emulsifiers used to generate the texture than to anything else.
-Creaminess -------
-Chocolatiness ---
-Comfort ------------
-Quality -------------
-Value ---------------
Total: 13/25
Keto-friendly
It was inevitable that there would come keto-compliant cocoas, and I’m glad that it cost a little more for less packets because I think that’s the right thing to do to people who are looking to morph their dessert drink into part of a diet trend. The point of the keto diet is to decrease carb intake while increasing fats (and protein) to encourage your body to burn fat for energy. To verify the label, at least, you can see in the nutrition facts that it is indeed higher in fat, saturated fat, cholesterol, and protein, while lower in carbs.
To follow through with the keto-friendly intentions I tried this with hot water, as milk–despite being fatty–contains sugars that would void the dietary purpose, and also as per the directions unlike Marnie and Aimee working their magic to make me immediately lose all trust with a food-based digital newspaper that I had loved before and will never love again as such shoddy journalism as that article rapidly became the norm either under Marnie’s or G/O Media’s leadership. Just like my attitude regarding that article, the keto-friendly cocoa is stale and miserable, feeling completely empty and like what I imagine the Subtraction Stew from The Phantom Tollbooth to be like, except bad. Using my massive brain to do what it does best and instantly think of something I would later regret, I made this using whole milk, as well, figuring it would put some creaminess and sense of fullness back into it, only to discover that it also felt like nothing. Very little chocolate flavor, very little sweetness, very little anything, and I’m wondering why it costs more to receive less of nothing.
When checking the box again for more information the answer becomes apparent: to decrease the carbohydrates, what Swiss Miss has done is just not add any sugar, replacing what’s otherwise the first ingredient in other flavors with inulin, a concerning item as it comes with two asterisks that indicate that ‘excessive consumption may cause a laxative effect in sensitive individuals’, as I sit here and reconsider drinking two full cups. This explains why it just tastes like watered down chocolate, as sugar or powdered sugar is a critical ingredient in both hot cocoa mixes and drinking chocolates. According to medical sources inulin is primarily used for weight loss, as well as managing diabetes and constipation, but can cause all kinds of intestinal effects like increased gas, bloating, diarrhea, cramps, and oddly enough also constipation that it purportedly is supposed to alleviate, several of these I can directly confirm experiencing after about 12 hours. Allulose and erythritol are also included as sugar alternatives that boast the same gut-blasting properties. I’d probably consider this a better option for people looking to help manage diabetes than to slap “keto” on it, but someone at ConAgra is correct in knowing what will make line go up fast. If you’re looking to cut sugar, I’d recommend just going with their explicit ‘no sugar added’ hot cocoa mix, because I don’t think a hot cocoa that makes you fart is a great way to lose weight.
-Creaminess ------- 
-Chocolatiness ---
-Comfort ------------
-Quality -------------
-Value ---------------
Total: 7/25
Nib Mor Organic Drinking Chocolate
I’m gonna be honest, I’ve never seen Nib Mor products anywhere before, not in any of the hundreds of grocery stores I’ve visited across the country, have otherwise never even heard of them, and I have no idea where I bought this; I believe I got it from a clearance rack at Publix, which makes sense as they no longer sell directly to consumers in stores and are instead operating a shop through Amazon. This is called a ‘drinking chocolate’ because the ingredients are so limited and evades the full definition of cocoa by only consisting of sugar, cocoa powder, and salt. All organic, gluten-free, vegan, plant-based, non-GMO Project Verified, Fair Trade Certified, promising to be the “innocently indulgent” cocoa of your dreams.
The instructions are simple, only necessitating hot milk over hot water as there’s no milk powder in the mix. Less sweetness than I’d hoped, resulting in the cocoa taste coming through more leaving a hint of bitterness that lingers. Weird front to the flavor, with it tasting like the mix never fully integrated into the hot milk, which I am blaming on the salt content not being mitigated by other things being in there as this feels similar to how limited-ingredient alternative milks (Malk, Forager) felt to me. For some reason I want to not like it, perhaps because it’s not so easy to handle and rapidly ready like other instant mixes that this is trying to appear as, but it tastes competent, it tastes like a serviceable cup of cocoa. I think all-in-all this is just a company that lacks any Wow power or charisma in the way that modern marketing requires. Hits all the virtues but in a way that feels like a regular product and not something punk rock and wildly challenging to the norms; perhaps ahead of its time in this sense because otherwise it’s fine, but without a cool factor pushing it along then no one will really care about something that’s just ok.
-Creaminess -------
-Chocolatiness ---
-Comfort ------------
-Quality -------------
-Value ---------------
Total: 13/25
Theo Drinking Chocolate
I originally purchased this 7 oz box for $9.99 during my trip to Seattle, directly at the Theo store shop, wayyyyyy back in May 2022, but in my defense I tried this in February 2023 and am just now getting to telling you about it!
Make no mistake, this is drinking chocolate, a thick cousin of hot chocolate that is not quite as drinkable as the name suggests; it is not a powder at all, but rather a bunch of “organic dark chocolate crumbles”. The directions state to heat 4 oz of milk (or alternative) in a small pot, then add 3 tbsp of the crumbles, whisking until smooth, with freedom granted in the directions to change the proportions as I please. These little chunks aren’t made of much, just cocoa beans, cane sugar, cocoa butter, and ground vanilla bean, all organic and all but the vanilla Fair Trade. Theo Drinking Chocolate is made with 55% dark chocolate pieces rather than a powder, but still melts immediately into the steaming milk with very little whisking required. I believe that this is more for shallow and wide cups to allow for greater dipping even as the liquid is used up. It’s thick enough to coat biscotti and scones excellently, clinging on with little drip. Unmasked chocolate flavor, take it or leave it. Feels smooth when you dip or sip, but kinda gritty if you take a swig of it so I recommend not doing so. I'm not sure drinking chocolate was the right choice when it's dark out and still 80F, but if you’re in a chillier environment this feels like the best way to help keep you feeling warm for a while, and provides for an incredibly refined and luxurious feeling of spoiling yourself with some sweet treats.
I must criticize its value, though, as with their ethical simplicity comes the fact that there’s quite nothing different between the content of the Drinking Chocolate box and their chocolate bars except for the fact that one’s in pieces and one isn’t, and I don’t think that’s worth about doubling the price-per-ounce for as their bars retail at manufacturer’s price for $4.49 and often go on sale at stores for much cheaper. With this realization also comes the boon and prospect of doing this with any of their bars to create a drinking chocolate with a similar brand of virtues and loyalty limited only by how many of their bars are filled with various nuts and your personal willingness to have those refusing to dissolve in your hot milk, which is of enormous benefit as, of the time I’m writing this in January 2024, it is no longer listed on their website and other store pages confirm that it has been discontinued. It’s true that this remains the same for any chocolate bar out there, yes, but I will credit Theo with unlocking my realization and their relatively easy degree of rendering a similar and predictable outcome to the intentional product.
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Total: 22/25
Silly Cow Chocolate Pumpkin Spice
another continuation from my original hot cocoa review, I felt that I had to buy and review this as Silly Cow has gone out of their way to create a flavor that’s not just a 5th iteration of basically regular chocolate, a leap beyond that I greatly appreciate and hope to encourage. The price remains a bit scary, anywhere from $6 to $9 for the 16.9 oz container depending on sales and the regular price at whichever posh store you’re paying more to hear classical music for, when you can get a box of Swiss Miss for $2.69 at Target, but I can promise you that the design of the bottle being transparent keeps you a bit more alert as to how much cocoa you’re using.
The ingredient list includes just natural cane sugar, dutch process cocoa, all five of the pumpkin spices (cinnamon, ginger, allspice, nutmeg, and cloves), as well as natural pumpkin flavor. I’m not a huge fan of ‘pumpkin spice’-labeled food containing pumpkin or pumpkin flavor, as I worded best in my review of the Pumpkin Pie KitKat: “Pumpkin spice are the spices used in pumpkin pie, so what you should be getting are cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, cloves, and ginger, absolutely no pumpkin at all because it is ‘pumpkin spice’.” Luckily the pumpkin flavor in here is nowhere to be found, and I thus assume is just there to placate the ill-informed who believe it should be. Decently aromatic, with all five of the pumpkin spices contributing in their own way. The flavor is mild and smooth, a good middle ground that’s not subtle but not akin to inhaling a half a can of Febreze Pumpkin Patch. I tried this alongside Chocolate Truffle just to get a level comparison across the brand, especially as it’s been so long and I’ve tried so many that it’s easy for me to mismatch memories, and the quality in the texture and chocolate flavor is even between each, highlighting the delicate balance of the spices used in the Chocolate Pumpkin Spice still delivering a quality product.
What’s interesting to me is that the label on the one I bought included pumpkin spice flavor, but their website does not declare it, implying either they.
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Total: 24/25
Aged Eggnog Hot Cocoa
I’m curious what experience I’d have for the eggnog hot chocolate I made in December 2022 now instead with an eggnog that wasn’t an illusion of creaminess due to guar gum and gellan gum, whether it would impart mostly the flavor while having its natural eggy thickness thinned out. To do that, I tried this same recipe but with the Alton Brown recipe aged eggnog I made myself. This one is more of just a fun experiment, and a reminder that I have had eggnog aging in my fridge for about 9 months now.
The hot cocoa recipe I used last time was:
And all I did differently was use the aged eggnog and also not particularly measure everything out because this is just a treat for me and not science. The cocoa powder had a hard time mixing in, clumping together more than anything and refusing to dissolve, so I kept microwaving it until the chocolate clumps melted and I was at least able to mush them into the drink as I mixed it. This sounds like a complaint but I find it fun. I made sure to use my transparent glass mug for this because I wanted to see it all swirl around and combine, and it was absolutely the right choice.
- 1 cup eggnog
- 1 cup whole milk
- 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
- 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- Whipped cream optional topping
- Freshly grated nutmeg optional topping
What hit first was the immediate acknowledgment of the alcohol within the eggnog, a zap that I knew I should expect but did not realize until that moment what it would be. The strength of that, combined with the strength of the nutmeg and heaviness of the whole thing slowed me down to small sips I had to ease into. A good viscosity for dipping in scones, as it soaked into the dough without having it crumble, with enough clinging to it long enough to get it to my mouth–this being the ideal way as it tempers the impact without losing the litany of flavors. Deliciously indulgent so much that it satisfied whatever decadence I was lacking and craving, granting me a similar power as last time being sudden focused energy to scrub my shower tiles and clean my bathroom. Who needs energy drinks when you can harness the power of selfish hedonism to remind yourself that you deserve better and refocus on neglect?
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Total: 23/25
| The 'Shroom: Issue 202 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Directorial Address |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
