The 'Shroom:Issue 203/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! It's me, your Fake News Director Waluigi Time, coming to you from only one set of notes in this issue for the first time in quite a while. It's going to be nice not having to run between two offices all the time. Hm, maybe I should've installed a shortcut, in hindsight...
Anyway, we've got all the Fake News staples! There's delicious roasts, lovely magic, has-been heroes, feline archipelagos, fraudster cavemen, advice for action stars, prehistoric football, and more in this month's issue!
One bit of news though, I've decided to end Consumer Corner as a regular section for now. I just haven't been that into writing it lately, so I figured now's a good time to hang it up instead of telling myself I'm going to write it every month and then not doing that. It may still pop up from time to time though, who knows!
If you'd like to join the team, we're always happy to welcome new writers! Everything you need to get started with your own section is on our sign up page. We also take volunteer submissions for sections like News Flush with no application necessary, if you have an idea that you'd like to get in the paper without committing to a monthly section. Just send it to me privately and I'll help with the rest!
Section of the Month
Thank you for voting for the final edition of Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown for Section of the Month! We had a jam-packed show to wrap things up with nominees of the past finally getting their chance to duke it out. In a close second place, TheBlueCatMenace took us on a tour of the Big Banana in The Sunshine Travel Guide, highlighting everything there is to do and see in New Donk City. Finally, Quizmelon (talk) grabbed third place with the first TV Tomorrow of the year, with everything from frogs(?) to forgotten lore and all the unforeseen consequences of dimensional travel in between! Thank you for supporting the team with your votes, and please be sure to keep it up!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown | 17 | 28.81% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 2nd | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 15 | 25.42% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 3rd | TV Tomorrow | 9 | 15.25% | Quizmelon (talk) |
Hello! Very busy this month I’m afraid trying to work out how to make the TV Tomorrow universe make coherent sense. Not remotely easy. I’ve tried claiming it’s governed by the forces of Chaos but that just brings Paradise Lost into the interdimensional fray. And I’ve got the forces of February to contend with too, misery personified. But the very format of this article compels me to add to this world, and so here are the top three TV picks from this month!
New: Accomplice
MKBC2, 10pm
Genre: Dark crime comedy
When average plumber Mario (played by Mario) unintentionally catches the legendary master criminal Donkey Kong (played by Donkey Kong) in the act of a major heist, he is faced with an uncomfortable choice - report the crime and become the ever-elusive DK’s prime target, or stay quiet and become his unwilling no.2. As you may be able to guess from the title, he ends up doing the latter, and that’s the premise of this dark comedy series which charts with tense & twisted humour one poor unlucky man’s descent into the dangers of the criminal underworld. With devilishly good writing and a compellingly unsettling central dynamic, it’s sure to become a cult hit.
Portrait to Perfection
MKBC1, 7pm
Genre: Painting competition
Vincent van Gore hosts the classiest competition show on the network, where aspiring artists compete to paint lifelike portraits of famous Mushroom Kingdom figures. Despite its calm demeanour and seemingly unexciting subject matter, this show proves as exhilarating as the best of them. It’s the semi-finals tomorrow and the remaining candidates are given one of their toughest tests yet; the sitter this week is the majestic Ruined Dragon, whose finely-detailed scales prove tricky to render in paint. Who will prove up to the task and make it through to the final?
Flint Cragley: Lies of a Non-Crag Cragnon
MKBC1, 9pm
Genre: Journalistic exposé
This hot-off-the-presses exposé is the cumulation of months of investigation by a number of journalists, who have dug through countless archives, interviews, and birth records to reveal that Flint Cragley - the well-liked if egotistical documentarian and TV star, unarguably the most famous Cragnon celebrity and a fervent advocate for Cragnon representation and culture - has been lying about his identity for years, and is in fact not ethnically Cragnon at all. We know very little as of yet about the exact content of this show, but insiders suggest this could be the bombshell that, coupled with lingering allegations about a toxic workplace environment on the set of Cragley’s shows, could very much torpedo his career. It’s certainly sure to cause a hubbub in the media, so tune in to be sure not to miss the hot-button television event that will brighten up your February.
Well there’s another three shows I’m going to have to contend with in my attempts to organise all of this into something that makes sense. Better buy another roll of red string. Hopefully in March I can do some spring cleaning to tidy this all up, and then I’ll have time to do a more substantial intro and conclusion. See you then!
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Dark-Boy-1up, ClawgripFan9001, and InsaneBlathers
Dear Waluigi Time,
My pet Conkdor keeps escaping from his cage. I actually made the cage by fusing my friend's collection of metal caps together. Last time he escaped I found him at a Condart farm which weirdly enough was a glass dome. The time before that, I found him at a Construction site with a lot of Conveyor belts, and there he was looking Confused with Confetti on the floor. It feels like there is a HUGE CON being played on me! My question is: What is happening and how and why is my Conkdor escaping?
Dark-Boy-1up
Looks like you've got a Conniving avian on your hands, friend. I've Considered your problem, and I think I've Concocted some advice on how to solve this Conundrum.
So first of all, you probably shouldn't be trying to Contain anything in a cage made of metal caps. Those things are power-ups, after all! You put one on and it fuses with your own body and gives you all those neat metal powers. I don't know what happens when you put on a whole collection of them, though... The metal metal form? Anyway, if I may Conjecture, your Conkdor is probably wearing the cage! You're better off with a material more Conducive for keeping things within its limits.
It's possible that the reason your Conkdor keeps escaping is because he's unhappy with his living Conditions. Conkdors are creatures of Considerable size, and need lots of room to move around! Since the current cage clearly isn't cutting it, you might as well build something bigger for the replacement. Alternatively, give him more freedom by letting him live in your backyard, ideally with some nice Conifer trees for shading. (Assuming you have a backyard, for all I know you live in a Condo.) Be sure to take him out to see the sights every now and then, maybe visit a Concert or something! Just make sure he participates in good Conduct.
Hopefully this helps! If not, well, my Condolences.
Ahoy there, Waluigi Time!
I be goin' on an adventure soon, an' I be plannin' on bringin' a weapon with me. What weapons do ye recommend ta a pirate like me?
- ClawgripFan9001
Have you gotten maximum use out of the cannon! It's an iconic pirate weapon, typically loaded with cannonballs (hence the name, derived from cannon ball). But what big cannonball doesn't want you to know is that you can shoot basically anything out of a cannon!
Shoot yourself out of a cannon to reach new heights! (Helmet strongly recommended.) Shoot a smaller cannon out of a bigger cannon for extra flair! Shoot a paint-filled water balloon to show your enemies that you could've hit them but thought it was funnier to force them to take a shower or suffer public embarrassment! The only limit is your imagination, and you may not realize this, but it's even portable! Just stick some wheels on it and a rope to pull it around and you're good to go.
The cannon is a pirate's best friend! Get the most out of your cannon today!
P.S. Swords are also pretty cool.
WALUIGI TIME I DON'T KNOW WHICH WIRE TO CUT THIS BOMB IS GOING TO EXPLODE IN 10 SECONDS
- Sincerely, HELP
Since it's already been more than ten seconds since I read this, I'm assuming that you either figured it out already, or you're no longer among the living. Congratulations and/or my condolences, whichever's more appropriate.
For all you other would-be action movie protagonists out there, first of all, don't try to get answers to urgent high stakes questions from a newspaper column, okay? The publishing timeline will not be kind to you! A little research ahead of time goes a long way.
Anyway, when disarming weapons of any kind, always be sure to check the enclosed instruction book! Unfortunately, you can't rely on on your unfriendly neighborhood spy villains to provide them for you, because that would defeat the whole purpose of using them. Unless they're extremely unintelligent, which is always a possibility, I guess, but you can't count on that. The solution? Carry around as many manuals with you as possible at all times! Although, doing all those stunts with a heavy backpack full of booklets might not go well...
You know what? Scratch that. Just have someone else take care of the problem, or at least stay in constant contact with someone who actually knows what they're doing.
To many successful missions!
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Yar, greetings an' salutations, fellow aspirin' chefs! It be me, that pabulum providin' pirate, ClawgripFan9001! So last month, fer me first culinary adventure, I 'ad Dyllis teach ye 'ow ta make a dish that be pretty easy ta make after a long day o' work. This time, I decided ta search me recipe book fer a dish that be a bit more complicated ta make, but in the end, it be worth it after a long day o' work.
Ta teach ye 'ow ta make this complicated dish, I traveled ta Toad Town, where I managed ta make an appointment with local chef Tayce T. I knocked on the door, and as it opened, I was quickly pulled inside by Tayce T, whom I 'ad met earlier durin' one o' me adventures coverin' fer the Sport Report.
“Yar, ye be quite 'appy ta see me, it seems!” ClawgripFan9001 laughed as he was pulled inside by Tayce T, who quickly shut the door behind her.
“Of course, dear! You've been the talk of the town with your brand new Cooking Guide section in The 'Shroom as of late, so when you asked if you could come over for your next Cooking Guide section, I just couldn't wait to get started!” Tayce T beamed, getting another laugh out of ClawgripFan9001.
“So, what is it that we'll be making today?” Tayce T asked ClawgripFan9001 curiously with a kind smile.
“Aye, I think ye'll love this; We be makin' a Shroom Roast t'day!” ClawgripFan9001 grinned as he pulled out all of the ingredients needed for the dish; A Mushroom and a Fire Flower.
“Oh, this is a classic dish like my dear old mama used to make! Okay, have you got your notepad ready to make notes?” Tayce T asked ClawgripFan9001 as she took the ingredients from him.
“Aye, o' course I do!” ClawgripFan9001 grinned as he pulled out his notepad to start making notes.
“Alright, so here's what to do; Cut the Mushroom into tiny pieces, put it in a non-stick pan and roast it at a temperature of about four-hundred degrees Fahrenheit. In the meantime, cut the Fire Flower into pieces and add it to the non-stick pan holding the roasted Mushroom, and occasionally stir the mix over a timespan of about fifteen to thirty minutes. Should you like, you could also add a Piece Of Cheese for extra taste. Once the mix has been stirred over a timespan of about fifteen to thirty minutes, put it onto a plate, and you're good as done.” Tayce T explained to ClawgripFan9001 as she showed him how to make the dish step by step.
“Yar, I got all o' that written down! I s'pose it wouldn't 'urt ta 'ave a taste o' the Shroom Roast now, right?” ClawgripFan9001 asked Tayce T after putting away his notepad.
“Of course, please feel free!” Tayce T beamed as she allowed the Sidestepper to taste the newly cooked Shroom Roast.
“Aye, this be delicious, ma'am! Ye really did a great job at it!” ClawgripFan9001 beamed after nibbling on a sample of the Shroom Roast.
Tayce T blushed as she got this praise. “Thank you, dear. I hope your readers over at Fake News will have found this to be a pleasant learning experience,” she replied to the Sidestepper.
“Aye, I be sure they do, ma'am! Thanks a lot!” ClawgripFan9001 grinned at her.
Alright, so this be everythin' ye need ta make a Shroom Roast!
Ingredients
- A Mushroom
- A Fire Flower
- A Piece O' Cheese (Optional)
Appliances
- A sharp knife
- A non-stick pan
- A stove or a furnace
Instructions
- Cut the Mushroom into pieces an' put it in a non-stick pan, then roast it at a temperature o' four-hundred degrees Fahrenheit.
- Cut the Fire Flower into pieces an' add it ta the mix.
- Occasionally stir the mix fer a timespan o' 'bout fifteen ta thirty minutes.
- Add a Piece O' Cheese ta the mix fer extra taste (Optional).
- Put the Shroom Roast on a plate, an' ye be finished.
Yar, that be everythin' ye need ta know in order ta make a Shroom Roast! Thanks fer tunin' in ta the Cookin' Guide fer February, mateys, an' if there be anyone left readin', I'll see ye next time on the Cookin' Guide!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Calls Grow for George Washingtoad's Resignation After News of Another Princess Peach Kidnapping
Following the reports of yet another Princess Peach kidnapping at the hands of Bowser, discontent has continued to grow with the Mushroom Kingdom armed forces. The main brunt of that discontent is falling on the commander of the Mushroom Kingdom armed forces, George Washingtoad. One of the Mushroom Kingdom's greatest war heroes, George Washingtoad is widely-known as the hero of the battle of Mushroom Gorge as well as the architect of the famous Delawide River crossing which lead to the ultimate victory over Redcoat Koopa. Following these victories, George Washingtoad was inaugurated as Commander of the Armed Forces with great fanfare following the first kidnapping of Princess Peach by Bowser Koopa, with Washingtoad receiving widespread praise at the time for for pledging to rebuild the armed forces into a modern army capable of defending the Mushroom Kingdom independently of the Mario Bros.
Critics have argued that, instead, the opposite has happened. While they note that shortly after General George Washingtoad took charge there was a temporary boost in recruitment, they point out that recruitment levels have long since flatlined. They also point out that, far from forging a path of independence from the Mario Bros., the Mushroom Kingdom has only increased its dependence on the duo. Not only that, but Princess Peach kidnappings have increased dramatically since George Washingtoad took office, and while Princess Peach kidnappings have been trending downwards in recent years, it's not because of the effectiveness of the Mushroom Kingdom armed forces. Rather, it's because Princess Peach has taken more charge of her own defenses, as reflected in an increase in invasions of the kingdom in recent years despite the decrease in kidnappings.
There have been many grumblings in Toad Town about General Washingtoad's ability to do the job. While General Washingtoad continues to be a popular figure and many are reluctant to speak against him publicly, privately it's quite different, with many staffers complaining about the army's seemingly endless decline under his leadership. One staffer spoke to us with the promise of anonymity and had this to say:
It's become patently obvious to many of us that the old General just doesn't have it in him to do the job anymore. The army has never been more disorganized, morale is poor, and effectiveness seems to be at an all-time low. I mean, think about it! Bowser has kidnapped Princess Peach more times than most of us can count, and it's not like he's the only person who has ever kidnapped her! Cackletta, the X-Nauts, Hellen Gravely, hell even Booster have all kidnapped Princess Peach at least once! Then, it's not even like you can argue that the Mushroom Kingdom armed forces at least managed to rescue her, because the only reason she was ever rescued is because Mario and Luigi stepped up and rescued her each time. While General Washingtoad is still a beloved figure, it's becoming increasingly clear to me and many others that the military needs to go in another direction.
Supporters of General Washingtoad point out that though invasions by the Koopa Kingdom and others have increased dramatically, defense spending levels haven't increased in over 20 years. They argue that General Washingtoad is simply doing the best he can to make the best out of a bad situation and that the Mushroom Kingdom government has proven unwilling to provide the resources he would need to create a truly modern army. Instead, they argue, he's been forced to deal with stagnant spending as well as general complacency that the Mario Bros. will always save the day. They argue that R&D for military tools is almost non-existent and that the government has forced overly restrictive standards and quotas for soldiers onto the armed forces, making it difficult to raise a large enough standing army to combat the Koopa Kingdom. While the army may be in a sorry state, they say General Washingtoad can't be blamed because he's long called for spending increases to combat the growing gap in both men and resources between the Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Kingdom.
For now, the government has shown no signs of any intent to replace General Washingtoad as Commander of the Armed Forces. For their opinions on the matter, we turn to long time columnists Hooded Pitohui and Shoey
|
Shoe, I cannot tell you how thrilled I am, as a proud supporter of our kingdom and its armed forces, to finally hear these critiques in the open. The simple truth is that Washingtoad, while a skilled and daring commander who served valiantly in the fight against Redcoat Koopa and who deserves the praise he receives for that campaign, is clinging to outdated ideas regarding defense. He blames the government for providing too few resources to serve his vision of reforming the armed forces, but who stops to question if his vision is right for our armed forces? Washingtoad insists upon an expanded army with massive manpower, but the truth is that no matter how many Toads are recruited into our ranks, the Koopa Kingdom has more resources to draw upon. While, yes, his ideas on modernizing the armed forces made sense after the first Koopa invasion, when the enemy forces were smaller and the Koopa Kingdom had not yet mobilized most of its society, since then, it's been such a lopsided contest that it wouldn't matter if we fielded a million troops! We'd be steamrolled, and we are steamrolled, consistently, which is why invasions have increased in frequency! Compare this to the recent decrease in kidnappings, caused by Princess Peach and her security detail adopting more nimble tactics in the vein of special forces, or compare this to the effectiveness of the Mario Bros. in clearing castles and driving Koopas out of strongholds. What does all of this point to? It points to us needing a smaller, more nimble army. We may not be able to stop Koopa invasions, but we can drive them out of our kingdom with asymmetric operations, something that the government understands! The government doesn't oblige Washingtoad's requests for increased funding because they know that, in this day and age, Washingtoad's plans are a waste of resources! Look, I respect Washingtoad and all he has done for our kingdom, but his unassailable image shielding him from criticism for years has been a detriment. It's time we recognized that Washingtoad's plans are out of step with the needs of our kingdom and our armed forces, and it's time that Washingtoad recognize that and step aside gracefully. |
|
Hood, it's an absolute disgrace, the attacks being thrown at one of our greatest heroes. George Washingtoad has given his life to serving his country and to see him become the victim of such partisan attacks makes me sick to my stomach. George Washingtoad is correct that defense spending levels have been stagnant. Despite the number of invasions from the Koopa Kingdom, defense spending has remained at the same levels it did prior to the first Koopa invasion. How is George Washingtoad supposed to properly recruit and train an army when he's given fewer resources than the Koopa Kingdom has? The fact is that the Mushroom Kingdom has grown complacent, continuously relying on the Mario Bros. or Yoshi or Toad to protect the Kingdom from Bowser. Because of this, we have neglected to fund our own defenses. Our military is small and our arms outdated. How is George Washingtoad supposed to protect the princess when he's not given the resources to make a capable army? How dare he face these partisan attacks from the very people who refuse to allocate the resources he needs to protect our beloved princess or our great kingdom? |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Written by: Legend 8
Episode 4: a mid-February night's scheme
It's a beautiful Valentine's Day night (day night?), and in a very odd cinema at the outer edge of the city, stands a Magikoopa in a gleaming pink robe with heart-shaped 8 symbols (?) in front of seat rows filled with Kingdom inhabitants (can't stick with "even fewer than last time" forever, you know).
Pyro: Welcome again to the Sorcery Show, Mushroom Kingdom! Your crazerageous hero is back, and given that you forgive me, I will present to you once more a spectacular show that goes way beyond the reality of both motion and emotion. ARE YOU READY?
Kroop: There he goes again... As soon as he isn't endangered by a living cheese any more, back are all the big speeches and stuff. Maybe I should host an episode on my own once...
Pyro: Kroop, you know that I truly appreciate our teamwork where everyone has the same rights and I am the boss. Please don't make me fire you, right? Hah! Fire, gettit? He's on fire, haha!
Kroop: Can you PLEASE stop all the jabbering and get going?
Pyro: Oh yes, I seemed to have gotten carried away. Well, as you see, we aren't at our usual stage but in the great Mushroom City Cinema that is absolutely new because it exists since tomorrow. Today, I will show you a love movie. Not just the pathetic stuff you usually watch on Valentine's Day, but a real genius' work. I present; the one and only four-and-a-half-dimensional movie in the world!
The curtains open and present something that looks faintly like a cinema screen. The movie starts. Mario and Princess Peach are sitting in the first row along with Luigi and more people.
Peach: Mario, look at this! It's so... Interesting... Oh Mario, I'm so glad you came with me.
Mario: I'm not, actually. I'm not too fond of that pink wizard guy.
Peach: Why? I think he's stylish!
Mario: That's not my point!
Peach: Oh Mario dear, stop grumbling. The movie is getting better and better, look at all that... What's it called?
Mario: Very suspicious...
Peach: No, why suspicious? It's... It's... Oh, Luigi, I love you!!!
Mario: What? I'm not Luigi!
Peach: I didn't mean you, you tomato-colored monkey! Luigi, come here!
Pyro: Hey, it seems they are having a lot of fun!
Kroop: Said the blind psychopath...
Pyro: What did you say? It's too loud in here!
Kroop: Forget it...
Meanwhile in the audience...
Mario: What?! I... Oh, hi Toadsworth, my beloved! Come here! Do you want to marry me?
Toadsworth: Huh.
Luigi: Huh?!
Toadsworth: Quickly, we have to get out of here!
Luigi: Of course! I... No, Toadsworth is my boyfriend! Mario, go get yourself someone else!
Toadsworth: Stop fighting, kids! I'm sure there is a good soluti... Oh! Yoshi! I have always loved you, Yoshi, and never before had the courage to tell you...
Yoshi: Yoshi? Yoshi yoshi!
Kroop: Oh no no no no, look what you did! Now I'll never be able to watch the end of the Mario & Peach reality show if they are gonna break up! I'm going to save them!!!
Pyro: What? Oh, yeah, if you say so... The world just isn't ready for my genius yet, hmpf.
Pyro turns and goes offstage while Pyro jumps around trying to get rid of the projector while a massive fight rages around him.
Luigi: Take that, "Brother"!!!
Kroop: Cool down, everyone! I am going to tell you a story now, and it will perfectly solve your arguments. Now, while I talk, you all look at this wall here, okay? Okay. There once was a crazy guy, who built a machine that was supposed to bring happiness but instead brought war...
Hello! Surprise! Look, let me explain! I brought you roses! I love you, all of you. Especially you, Kroop!!! Come to my arms!
Kroop: Ack! If... If you truly love me, ehm, you BE QUIET NOW and look into that direction while I carry on with the story. So, where was I. Ah yes. This invention, it brought war via a very strange love movie, and then this handsome skull guy came and saved the day. The end. And... Boom! Yes, I did it! I saved the day! Super Kroop, whoo-hoo!
Oh Kroop, I love... Oh. Well, if you all didn't see what happened because you were too busy love-fighting each other, he distracted us and then just saved us all by destroying the projector. ... Thanks, Kroop. I kinda like you...
Pyro: And here he is again, ME, PYRO, the not-magical-but-wonderful savior- Ouch!! Hey, Kroop, what was that for?!
The visitors leave the cinema and it disappears behind them.
Mario: Hey, Peach, why are you slapping me?!
Peach: Because you didn't keep me from going into this movie with you!!!
Mario: Women... I don´t get it.
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Lake Lapcat: Meeeowwww!
Hello, once again. I have been spending the last month procrastinating working hard to deliver you a new issue of The Sunshine Travel Guide. I returned last night from the archipelago Lake Lapcat to discover I had one day till the deadline. But I’m not going to let some simple stress stop me from delivering the quality writing you’ve come to expect. So let’s stop wasting time and jump right in to Lake Lapcat.
A Briefish History
Many Centuries ago, Lake Lapcat was populated by anthropomorphic cats, named Nekos. One day, one of them was cursed, causing them to be possessed by dark forces. The curse passed along through the Neko race, until nearly all of them were cursed. Whenever evil forces brought a storm across the land, they would become possessed and attack everything around them.
The Nekos met to discuss the matter. Any Nekos who had not yet been cursed fled across the land. The Nekos were split on what to do. Some wanted to change their souls into a magic bell that could give anyone who wore it cat powers. Some wanted to just deal with the curse. They came to an agreement that whichever Nekos wanted to transform could, and the Nekos who wanted to deal with the curse, could.
Many Nekos transformed, and some of them combined to create a gigantic bell that could destroy evil. The Nekos who didn’t transform became paranoid that they would be punished for not transforming, as the Nekos who did became a weapon against evil, and helped vanquish many evils. So when a new, blue Neko was born without a curse, the other Nekos took it as a sign that the end was near.
They created a portal to another dimension and cast the kitten through. They dubbed this Neko Cosmo, or as he was known by some, The Blue Cat Menace, for they believed he was to bring about the destruction of their species. These names were branded on the fur on his left arm.
After Cosmo was sent through the portal, the Nekos were unable to close it, and it sucked up many of the transformed Nekos, now known as Super Bells, through the portal. Fortunately, this caused the portal to close. However, it still left a hole between dimensions, hypothetically allowing someone with the right magic to make a new portal, which is what Bowser Junior managed to do.
The Nekos may have not been wrong about The Blue Cat Menace bringing the end of their species, however, because they have now devolved into regular cats, with no magic or speech. I wonder if they still are cursed? Now that I think of it, we don’t know what happened to that Neko named Cosmo…
Fur Step Island
Fur Step Island will be your arrival point for your epic journey. It’s a simple but relaxing island. There’s a forest you can camp out in, a very safe boat, and a great view! The safest area in Lake Lapcat.
Relaxation: 10/10 | Thrills: 0/10 | Memorability: 2/10
Scamper Shores
Scamper Shores is a great place to test your parkour skills. There’s a variety of different creatures around here, and a small, relaxing mountaintop. Still, the draw of this island is a place to test your body and skills, but isn’t so difficult only a few people can do it. Also, there’s some really awesome sunglasses you can buy here. Except, I think the birds bought them all already…
Relaxation: 7/10 | Thrills: 8/10 | Memorability: 6/10
Pounce Bounce Isles
These are the first ruins discovered in Lake Lapcat, but not the last. Pounce Bounce Isles may look impossible to climb at first, but the Movement Of Ruining Old Neglected Structures (MORONS) installed big bounce pads, making the climb easier, more fun, and more dangerous safe. Now even Grandma can join the fun.
Relaxation: 8/10 | Thrills: 10/10 | Memorability: 8/10
Fort Flaptrap
Fort Flaptrap is a small but dangerous building. You can battle your friends on top, as long as you don’t mind being cooked alive in lava if you fall. Well, honestly, I can’t really sugarcoat this one… This island is even worse than Fur Step.
Relaxation: 4/10 | Thrills: 7/10 | Memorability: 5/10
Slipskate Slope
Slipskate Slope is another one of the ruins found in Lake Lapcat. Gee, the ancient Nekos sure made a lot of buildings. Anyway, this is one of the most thrilling but risky islands. You will be provided an ice skate, and then pushed down the slide. You will have to maneuver through obstacles on your way down, and hopefully come out alive. The ice skates are fitted with a mechanism, where if one is damaged, it will pop off, allowing you to make your way out of the dangerous area. If you want to slide without risk of death, there’s a side path you can take.
Relaxation: 0/10 | Thrills: 11/10 | Memorability: 10/10
Clawswipe Colosseum
Clawswipe Colosseum is where the ancient Nekos of Lake Lapcat found their entertainment. It’s a little hard to get in, but when you do, people are still putting on shows, plays, and battles, so it’s worth it. You can even sign up to take part in some, or even host your own!
Relaxation: 5/10 | Thrill: 9/10 | Memorability: 10/10
Trickity Tower
Hmm. I can’t see anything interesting here… It must’ve been put on as a mistake… (Heh Heh…)
Relaxation: ?/10 | Thrills: ?/10 | Memorability: ?/10
Crisp Climb Castle
Crisp Climb Castle is a harsh test of endurance, with a long way to fall. Pick up one of the provided Propeller Boxes, but be careful, as they’re quite fragile, then climb to the top. The reward at the top is a view cameras can’t capture. Literally, for some reason if you try to take a picture the lens breaks. If you’re feeling especially strong, try climbing without a propeller box. If I can do it, you can too!
Relaxation: 3/10 | Thrills: 10/10 | Memorability: 11/10
Scratching Tower Park (Risky Whisker Island, Pipe Path Tower, Roiling Roller Isles)
You have to hand it to Bowser, he sure is a great amusement park designer. This triple threat park was designed to fit in with the other islands in Lake Lapcat. First, get your dash on with Risky Whisker Island, built out of donut blocks. Then go on a high octane climb through Pipe Path Tower. Finally you can cap it off with the epic platforming of Roiling Roller Isles. Don’t worry, the lava is interchangeable with water.
Relaxation: 2/10 | Thrills: 10/10 | Memorability: 10/10
Mount Magmeow
Last but not least, Mount Magmeow. The toughest challenge on offer, Mount Magmeow will test your skill, strength, endurance, and intelligence. In fact, it was so difficult they had to add in some platforms to ride around on. There’s a great view at the top, if you survive… And also the famous Golden Pipe. Makes the whole thing worth it.
Relaxation: 1/10 | Thrills: 12/10 | Memorability: 11/10
Conclusion
For some reason, whenever I’m really close to the deadline, I plan to write a short issue but end up writing a really long one… Anyway, I need to send this to my boss now so thanks to ViableBunnyBudd on the Forums for suggesting this one. As always, you can contact me on the Forums if you have a suggestion for The Sunshine Travel Guide. Until next time!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Ahoy, mateys! It be the Sport Report, with that sea lingo slingin' Sidestepper, ClawgripFan9001! Cue the music! What? The Sport Report don't 'ave its own theme song like The Muppet Show does? Yar, what a rip...Guess I'll just 'ave ta open this edition o' the Sport Report with me regular notes then.
So, as ye know, every February, the Real World country known as the United States be celebratin' a sports event known as the Super Bowl, which be the finale game o' the American football season. As a man o' European origin, I ain't such an avid football fan, but I still like ta watch the Super Bowl ev'ry year as part o' me annual traditions. An' given that the Super Bowl almost be 'pon us again, we're goin' ta celebrate the occasion by coverin' a high stakes American football game in this month's edition o' the Sport Report!
Fer this particular football game, I sailed t'wards the prehistoric lands o' the Mushroom World known as Dinosaur Land, specifically ta the prehistoric settlement o' Dome City, where the cave people livin' there were preparin' ta engage in a football game 'gainst a group o' Chargin' Chucks that be callin' 'emselves The Koopa Football Players. Similarly, the team o' cave people they be playin' 'gainst be callin' 'emselves The Dome City Cavemen. Fittin' names fer both teams, I s'pose.
There be a few familiar faces present at t'day's football game, includin' the hero o' the Mushroom Kingdom 'imself, Mario, 'is brother Luigi, Princess Peach o' the Mushroom Kingdom an' Mario's faithful steed, Yoshi. I was able ta get an interview outta the four o' them, with Mario tellin' me that 'im, Luigi an' Princess Peach used ta live in Dome City fer a while, an' that Mario taught the cave people livin' 'ere 'ow ta play football in an attempt ta teach the cave people the importance o' teamwork. When I asked Mario if the move paid off, the red-clad plumber responded that 'e eventually managed ta teach the cave people the importance o' teamwork, an' buildin' things 'as become a lot smoother fer the residents o' Dome City since then. Aye, I'd say that be good news, an' I thank Mario, Luigi, the Princess an' Yoshi fer their time, an' they similarly be thankin' me fer doin' a coverage o' t'day's game.
So with that outta the way, it's time ta dive into the game itself! The Dome City Cavemen be at play first, an' they punt the ball through the air an' onto the field! Yar, game on! I do 'ave ta say that I be curious as ta 'ow the Cavemen don't be hurtin' their bare feet from kickin' a stone football, but that be food fer thought fer 'nother time! One o' the Koopa Football Players manages ta tackle one o' the Cavemen, causin' 'im ta lose control o'er the ball, so the referee fer the game, which be one o' the residents o' Dome City, be blowin' 'is whistle as the players prepare ta punt the ball once more!
After the ball be punted onto the field once more, one o' the Koopa Football Players manages ta get 'is 'ands on the ball, an' 'e makes a sprint 'cross the field, only fer the ball ta get intercepted by one o' the Cavemen, who proceeds ta make a mad dash fer the end zone, an' what's this? Touchdown! The score currently be 'bout 6-0 fer the Cavemen! The successful touchdown allows fer the Cavemen ta punt the ball through the crossbar, an' they be nailin' the shot, givin' the Cavemen the lead with 7-0 on the scoreboard!
The Koopa Football Players be determined ta make up fer lettin' the Cavemen gain the lead, so they strike the ball back out onto the field, with one o' the Koopa Football Players makin' the catch b'fore tryin' ta charge 'is way t'wards the opposin' end zone, but ends up bein' tackled by one o' the Cavemen in the process! After the referee flares 'is whistle once more, the players prepare ta make their next play!
After a bituva battle 'tween the players o' the two teams, the Cavemen manage ta get down ta their assigned end zone once more, an' they be landin' 'nother touchdown, tippin' the score scales in their favor even further with 13-0! After 'nother successful kick through the crossbar, an additional point is tallied up, makin' the score 14-0 fer the Cavemen!
Yar, this be bad news fer the Koopa Football Players! If they wanna get their score offa the zero mark, they be in need o' some miracle plays! An' some miracle plays they make, as they score three consecutive touchdowns, though they fail ta get the ball through the crossbar every single time! It don't matter though, as the scores be now tippin' in favor o' the Koopa Football Players at 18-14!
Mario an' Company be watchin' ev'rythin' play out from the sidelines, with Yoshi panickin' 'bout the Cavemen fallin' behind on the scoreboard, an' Princess Peach tryin' ta calm the poor lad down. Mario similarly tells Yoshi that it don't matter if the Cavemen lose, since it be important ta 'ave an air o' sportsmanship. In the red-clad plumber's words: “If yer favorite team loses, ye 'ave ta be able ta say: 'We played well, but ye can't win all the time.'” Aye, I do 'oleheartedly agree with Mario's statement, an' it appears that gives Yoshi some reassurance, as the poor lad be calmin' down once more!
Meanwhile, the Cavemen be tryin' ta make a comeback on the game's scoreboard, with 'em chargin' through the Koopa Football Players' line o' defense b'fore gettin' close ta the end zone, but end up bein' tackled by a Koopa Football Player! But the Cavemen get ta make their next play close ta the end zone, so they use the power o' teamwork ta get the ball into the end zone, nettin' 'em their next touchdown in the game! The scores be in favor o' the Cavemen once more at 20-18! Yar, talk 'bout livin' on a seesaw!
I wish I could continue ta bring ye more o' this excitin' high stakes game o' football, but unfortunately, it'll 'ave ta wait, since the first half o' the game already be o'er! All players go an' 'it the dressin' rooms ta get some well deserved rest, while in the meantime, the spectators make their way o'er ta the food stalls that be set up 'round the sportin' grounds! I decide ta 'it the food stalls meself, an' I manage ta get me 'ands on a most delicious piece o' meat known as Megalocorus On A Bone. As the name suggests, it be a roasted piece o' meat from the prehistoric animal known as the Megalocorus, served on a long bone. While I 'appily nibble on the protein-rich meat, I 'appen ta run into 'nother person that lived in Dinosaur Land fer a while; Morton Koopa Jr.!
After Morton orders 'imself a Megalocorus On A Bone 'imself, the two o' us sit down fer a moment fer an interview. Morton tells me that together with 'is adoptive father Bowser an' 'is six siblings, 'e used ta live in Dinosaur Land fer a while, 'avin' taken up residence inside Neon Castle, also known as Coney Island Disco Palace. Together with 'is father an' siblings, Morton would often cause trouble fer the residents o' Dome City an' would regularly get thwarted by Mario, Luigi, the Princess an' Yoshi, but e'er since the peace treaty 'tween the Mushroom Kingdom an' the Koopa Troop was signed, the people o' Dome City 'ave been treatin' Morton an' the other members o' the Koopa Troop much nicer. Morton also tells me that 'e came ta represent the Koopa Troop at t'day's football game, since 'is adoptive father Bowser couldn't come ta the game 'imself t'day an' Bowser Junior an' all the other Koopalings were busy t'day, so Morton went ta the game fer 'is nation as a result. Yar, that be very interestin' ta 'ear! I thank Morton fer 'is time, with Morton statin' that the feelin' be mutual, an' we end up goin' our own separate ways after that!
So after a fifteen-minute restin' period, it be time fer the second half o' the game ta get underway! This time, the Koopa Football Players be at play first, an' they kick the ball deep into Cavemen territory, with the Koopa Football Players quickly sprintin o'er there ta get the ball into the end zone! They manage ta do so, an' guess what? Touchdown! 24-20 fer the Koopa Football Players! They then proceed ta kick the ball straight through the crossbar, landin' 'em 'nother point as the score becomes 25-20!
The Cavemen be determined ta catch up ta the Koopa Football Players in score again, so they start goin' on a pretty aggressive offense, maybe a bit too aggressive, 'cause we soon find a flag bein' thrown onto the field! Given that Dome City doesn't 'ave the technology ta show a replay o' what 'appened, we turn ta the assistant referees ta see what 'appened! Accordin' ta the assistant referees, one o' the Cavemen's players used illegal equipment, in this case a wooden club ta strike down one o' the Koopa Football Players! The main referee knows enough an' issues a ten-yard penalty! This be bad news fer the Cavemen, since there don't be much time left in the game!
But regardless o' that, the Cavemen play their penalty, an' the ball be goin' straight into the end zone an' through the crossbar! The score now be 25-23! There be only minutes left on the clock, so if the Cavemen wanna emerge victorious in t'day's football match, they be in needuva miracle touchdown! The Cavemen play the ball, an' one o' their players, Argh-Argh Rockefeller gets a hold o' it! 'E be mutterin' somethin' in prehistoric language b'fore 'e makes a mad dash t'wards the end zone, an' manages a score a touchdown right at the end o' the game! That means the score be 29-25 fer the Cavemen, makin' 'em the winners o' t'day's game! Both the people o' Dome City, the people o' the Koopa Troop, an' our visitors from the Mushroom Kingdom alike cheer fer the Cavemen's victory as the Cavemen's players proceed ta take Argh-Argh Rockefeller onto their shoulders an' carry 'im 'round the field fer a victory parade!
I tried ta get a hold o' one o' the Koopa Football Players' people after the game fer an interview, but none o' them were available fer commentary 'cause they 'ad ta leave fer Dark Land immediately due ta King Bowser Koopa 'imself callin' a meetin' with all members o' the Koopa Troop. Aye, it be a shame, but I do understand that when yer leader needs ya, that be more important than a silly interview. Anyway, that wraps up this month's sports news, mateys! I thank ye fer tunin' in ta the Sport Report this month, an' I 'ope ta see ye next month where we be in fer 'nother ball related sports event, one where ye definitely don't want ta tee off with the players! Yar, I'll leave ye ta figure out what that means, as this 'as been ClawgripFan9001, signin' off fer the month!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 203 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Poll Committee Chairperson Election • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | The 'Shroom's Special Saga |
