The 'Shroom:Issue 174/Fake News
Director Notes
It's September, and we have new issue for you guys. There's nothing all to special this time around, so I'll spare you any unneeded preamble and get around to our fat, juicy sections!
As per usual, any budding writers should check out the sign up page.
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Let's-a-go Around the World | 13 | 23.21% | RabbidYoshi2 |
| 2nd | Ask Cappy | 12 | 21.43% | Maximumriley |
| 3rd | Obituaries | 10 | 17.86% | Yoshi876 |
Inside Look
Written by: Joseph Shoelitzer
Elected at Last: Long-Time Candidate Draq Finds Victory:
Well folks, the votes are in for this year's Mach Speed Commission's election results, and, in a shocking upset, long-time perennial candidate Draq has been elected to serve for District H. Described as cantankerous, eccentric, and stubborn, the former F-Zero driver turned "politician," Draq, is well known for his many attempts to gain office in New Wikisburg. Starting in 2010 with a failed attempted to be elected to the New Wikisburg House of Delegates, Draq has seemingly found himself running in every election, from Senate campaigns to runs to be a trade delegate to even a brief attempt to get himself elected to the position of New Wikisburg Chief Dog Catcher, each time running without success. But, tonight, Draq can hold his head up high because the unofficial results show that he’ll be taking a seat on the Mach Speed Commission on September 18th.
When the campaign began, Draq was dismissed as an also-ran with little hope of being elected. Midway through the campaign, however, he received unintentional aid in the form of a judicial decision in the case of PEOPLE v. MACH SPEED COMMISSION where the courts threw out the previously composed districts on the grounds of disproportionate representation, forcing this year's election to be ran on a general ticket basis, meaning that the top nine vote getters would receive seats. Many felt that this change would directly benefit Draq, turning his weakness (his many election losses), into a strength on name recognition alone, and it appears that those observers are correct, with the unofficial tallies showing Draq finishing in 8th place with 5,485 votes.
Critics have speculated that even though he's been elected, Draq probably won't be able to accomplish much on the Mach Speed Commission. A regulatory body, the Mach Speed Commission's main function is to study and recommend new traffic laws, and, with this in mind, Draq has promised to be very active. Running on a campaign of removing all traffic laws and making turbo-charged engines mandatory, Draq told us the following shortly after polls closed:
I stand by everything I've said. Any car that can't go at least 1000 km/h is basically a horse and oxen, and has no place on modern roads!
During the campaign, his opponents attacked him for these proposals, and argued that the voters shouldn't vote for Draq because his proposals had no chance of being accepted. It has also been argued that, even though Draq has won, his time on the commission will be short lived. Elected to a one year term thanks in part to a unique set of circumstances that meant he wasn't running against any particular candidate and instead only having to place within the top nine, Draq's path to reelection will not be easy. Come next year, the districts will be redrawn, and, if Draq decides to run for reelection, he'll have to run in a specific district where his name value will mean less. Whatever the case, though, at least for tonight, Draq, a long-time loser, is finally a winner.
Mii
A great calamity befell the Mushroom Kingdom earlier this month as every single Mii simultaneously died. Sporting events across the area were halted as Miis collapsed on tennis courts, drove through barriers on race tracks, became foreclosed themselves during property deals!
Frantic Toads rushed to contact Mii friends living in Miitopia, but it seems to no avail. It is currently unknown what caused the great Mii Death Calamity of 2021, especially after they survived the shutdown of Miiverse, and even a fully-charged Wario Waft aimed their way on Battlefield.
Frantic Magikoopas hastily seized on the idea of creating a new army of Miis, but appeared to run into a roadblock when the programme would stop responding just when they were about to finalise all details. "I'd slaved away for several days on this creation," wept one. "Moved the eyes into a funny location, selected cyan as a favourite colour. I'd even worked on making little antennae for it, but it was all to no avail."
In the wake of their demise, the fully Mii-serviced Nintendo Land has been shut down permanently, even though no one can actually remember having spent time there since 2013 at the latest. Moments of silence were held across many sporting venues, even the ones in space, before play resumed as many realised that rosters were pretty much complete before the Miis started showing up.
Princess Peach has declared four days of national mourning, but they will be held on days where she has not been kidnapped by Bowser. As she is currently in Bowser's Castle, we await the first day to be held. When it is held, we expect for her to be kidnapped again on the third day, which will slightly delay the rest of mourning. We hope you understand.
Mushroom Tribune
By: Chester Alan Arthur (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Toll Booths on Toad's Turnpike Enrage Drivers:
Nearly a year after the Toadsberg Transit Authority announced the controversial plan, a new set of toll booths began operating over the holiday weekend, prompting an uptick in criticism and earning the ire of drivers and Kart racers alike. The start of the operation was plagued with problems, leading to traffic backups on the major thoroughfare as unprepared drivers and Kart racers struggled to come up with the required funds.
Delays in holiday travel plans, the heat of the blazing Angry Sun above, and the honking of horns contributed to a high-emotion climate, leading to a flood of social media posts from irate drivers and a few tense confrontations as tensions boiled over. At one point on the first day of toll booths' operations, emergency services reported to the scene when an irritable Kart driver, famed tennis player Waluigi, struck a booth attendant with a Red Shell. The attendant sustained only minor injuries, but the incident, only intensified the debate over the toll booths.
Addressing criticism from the public, Lak O. Funds, the Lakitu overseeing the project on behalf of the TTA, said the following on Tuesday.
That it would take time for the public to adapt to these toll booths was inevitable. This project has been public knowledge for a year now, and drivers on Toad's Turnpike have seen roadwork for it for months, but, still, we had drivers and Kart racers who were unprepared to pay the tolls or who argued with the attendants. This is not a failing of the system. It reflects the reality that the public needs time to adjust. Already, by the end of the weekend, we were seeing a smoother, easier process, with prepared drivers and less traffic backups. Within a few weeks, the tolls will be operating efficiently and effectively, without disrupting traffic on the roadway.
Opponents of the toll booths, however, argue that the problem with the booths runs deeper than the troubled opening. Members of the public and representatives of the Kart racing community have argued that the booths are unnecessary, wasteful spending that will discourage use of the road in the long-term by delaying drivers and turning away the Mario Kart Racing Association. The MKRA has long paid for the privilege of hosting races on the busy thoroughfare and has paid to allow Kart racers to use their vehicles on the public road.
Toad, grandson of the famous industrialist Toad, for whom Toad's Turnpike is named, and representative of the MKRA spoke out against the toll booths.
This move is completely unnecessary and appallingly irresponsible coming from the organization which claims to support the maintenance and use of this kingdom's roadways. The road is already funded by a combination of fuel taxes and the public-private partnership with the MKRA, but the installation of these toll booths will destroy that partnership. Kart racers who can only carry ten coins, and who are slowed by giving up those coins, will find alternative routes rather than pay these tolls and deal with delays in their trips.
For more perspective on the controversial toll booths, the Mushroom Tribune turns to two of our experienced reported, Joseph Shoelitzer and Pit Hoodstein.
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I have followed this story since the TTA announced their plans to install these toll booths, and I have never seen such a blatant example of an engineered controversy in my career. There was debate when this plan was announced, just as there should have been, but to call that controversy is to misrepresent the facts, and I take issue with my colleagues' presentation of that initial debate as controversy. There was no controversy initially, someone created this controversy, and the blame falls on the MKRA. A year of attack ads, of dubious online posts, of questionable studies suggesting Toad's Turnpike could be underfunded within three years of this move, it turned the public against a necessary and just project, all for the benefits of the MKRA and the Kart racers it supports. For far too long, Kart racers have been given special treatment, with special permission to race their - unsafe and unsuited for this roadway - Karts along Toad's Turnpike, creating a safety risk for other drivers and wearing out the road. Four years ago, the installation of anti-gravity "Kart lanes" along the side of the roadway, did that bring the promised increase in revenue from Kart racers signing up to purchase licenses to drive on Toad's Turnpike? No. Four years on, and taxpayers are still 250,000 coins in the red because of a project that benefited less than two percent of the drivers on Toad's Turnpike. This important roadway is in need of repairs, in need of a cash infusion to ensure it is properly maintained over the next few decades. Fuel taxes, politically unpopular as they are, have not kept up. These toll booths are necessary. The TTA has handled this responsibly and knows what they are doing, and the MKRA - an unreliable partner which has, for years, used their leverage to lower the funds they give back to the TTA - cannot be allowed to stand in the way of this project. Kart racers make up only a small fraction of drivers on Toad's Turnpike. If they have to find another road to ensure that the public continues to get use out of this one, so be it. |
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Mark my words, readers. Toadsberg is making a mistake, putting up toll booths along Toad's Turnpike, and the city will pay dearly for it. The argument for the toll booths is obviously that they'll help generate money to maintain the turnpike while also not levying taxes on those who don't use the turnpike. That sounds great in theory. but the problem is these government officials either underestimated or ignored how much it will impact the Mario Kart Circuit and the turnpike's ability to qualify for future series. How can we expect Toad's Turnpike to remain a premier race track if drivers are forced to stop for tolls between each lap? Some of you would argue that it's not going to be a big deal. After all, the upgrades to Toad's Turnpike allowing for anti-gravity movement still haven't been paid off, so clearly the economic value of Mario Kart isn't very high, right? Wrong. While it is true that the upgrades haven't been paid off in terms of tax dollars given to the government, that's only half the picture. The Mario Kart Circuit is a premier league, the second most popular sport in the kingdom (second only to the Smash Bros. Tournaments). Millions of people watch the races each year, becoming millions of people seeing advertisements for Toadsberg businesses, something business owners are grateful for. In addition, each race features twelve racers and their crews as well as thousands of fans who wish to watch the races live, all of these people buying things from our stores, staying in our hotels, and taking in the scenery of our fair city. Looking at just the race numbers from the Toadsberg Council of Businesses, we can see that, since returning to the Mario Kart Circuit seven years ago, there has been a 45% increase in tourism, a huge boom for our local businesses. Even if we don't take into account the economic impact, the prestige alone from having our highway be part of a premier event such as Mario Kart has to be worth something, something that we are jeopardizing with these disastrous Tolls. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Written by: Maximumriley (talk)
Bulldashing Into A New Era
Dear Cappy,
It's Wario time! My brother's frenemy Mario and you, his cap, have had the spotlight put on them numerous times, and we're sick of it! Now we want our chance to become an amazing platformer, and you have experience with this, so help us or else. How can Wario become a platforming star?
You better reply,
Waluigi
Dear Waluigi,
Well, I may not be the biggest Wario fan, but Nintendo has revived some other characters long thought to be dead, and if Excitebike got to be popular again, they can turn Wario into an icon. The first thing I think you need to do is improve Wario's image. Don't try to make him look like a true hero, but at least make sure he's on the same side as Mario, and allow his transformations to be more useful in random situations, like having a volleyball form that could float on water, to uncover more riches and secrets. The next step is to have Wario spend more time in the third dimension, as a good adventure in 3D could cause Nintendo to change their mind about him being a villain. The last step I'd take is to add you to Wario's platforming team, as that could add an iconic Player 2 to the crew, just like Mario and Luigi. If you follow all my steps, Nintendo will be knocking on your door asking if Wario and Waluigi can become the face of their company.
Hopefully you listen,
Cappy
Mario Sports Remix
Dear Cappy,
HI I'M DAISY- I mean… I need your help! We're thinking of a soccer tournament as grand as our tennis and golf ones, but there are no courses we can use to kick around some balls, as they're all full of golf and tennis stuff. Can you find any stadiums we can use for our tourney?
See you soon,
Princess Daisy
Dear Daisy,
I want to join in on this game, so I'll help you out. The first option we have for a course is Waluigi Stadium. It has so many Dash Panels, Piranha Plants, and turns that it may be good… in a pinch. The next course option is Acorn Plains Way, because it has a nice empty field with lots of Waddlewings. If they steal the ball, you can just use an acorn as a replacement, and if that breaks, I am so sorry. My final course option is Wrecking Crew's construction site, which could allow you to do awesome tricks using bombs, oil drums, and Santa statues- but you really shouldn't touch those. If there are no goals there, just use the empty windows as adequate goal replacements. If all of those places are available for you to do a back of the net, then this soccer tournament shall be the best it has ever been.
Hope I'm invited,
Cappy
I Feel The World Moving Under My Feet
Dear Cappy,
HELP! When I walk an inch, the world tilts 90 degrees right, and this has caused me great sadness. I can't eat anymore because the world tilts me out of the range of my food whether I use my hands or tongue, I can't sleep anymore unless I stay perfectly still or else I'm in Drybake Desert, and I can't even grab onto things to stay on the Mushroom Kingdom's crust! This is a nightmare, and I desperately need you to fix this!
Oh nooooooo,
T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas
Dear Yoshi,
Well, this problem is massive, and I don't want you to be this way for the rest of your life, so I'll help. First things first, check and see if you have an earth magnet in your shoe, as that may have caused the Mushroom planet to treat you as if you are a separate planet, and as such you orbit around it. The next thing I'd check is whether or not there are RC cars on your feet, as those cars could be from the Shroob incident, which can roll around to incredible distances and fly. If you see those on your feet, take them off, as they could be bombs. The final thing I'd check is if you have a combination of letters and numbers on your skin. Others in the Mushroom Kingdom have had these strange letters on them, and some of them have met with tragic fates. If none of this applies, then there is this ghost I know who loves pranking people with magic spells. Maybe you're caught in one of his pranks?
Hopefully this helps,
Cappy
Our Leaders
Written by: Chester Alan Arthur (talk)
Welcome back, ‘Shroom readers, to another edition of Our Leaders! After the positive reception towards our last biography on the leader of the Shy Guys, General Guy, we are back with another biography. This month, we had the honor and pleasure of writing about the king of the Bob-omb’s himself, King Bob-omb. Through my research and interview hours, I found the King to be a serious administrator who is determined to do what’s best for both his people and his country.
Born the second of two sons, King Bob-omb was originally styled as Prince Alfonso Duke of Bombania. Born in the conservative land of the Bob-omb’s, the young Duke never dreamed he would be king; the honor instead belonged to his older brother, the Crown Prince Bomb. One of the many traditions of the Bob-omb Land is that neither the King nor his direct heir are given names outside of their royal titles, while the second son is granted his own name and the title Duke of Bombania. Named after his great great grandfather (himself originally a third son), longtime members of the Bob-omb royal household told me the two brothers couldn’t have been more different. While the young Duke was serious and studious, the Crown Prince was described as being wild and passionate. Despite these differences, I was also informed that the two brothers had an extremely close bond and everyone agreed that once the Crown Prince took the throne that young Duke would make an extremely good asset for the future king. Desiring to help his kingdom, Alfonso enlisted in the military and despite being offered an officers position immediately, Alfonso turned it down, feeling that he hadn’t earned it and that it would be an insult to the men of his kingdom if he took a job he wasn’t suited for. But then, while Alfonso was serving his country, tragedy struck. His brother the Crown Prince, always one for adventure and looking to make a name for himself, banded with a group of his closest friends and joined up with King Wart’s army in the famous War of the Dreams. Stationed under the command of Commander Clawgrip (described by contemporaries as brash and reckless), survivors of this unit said the Crown Prince fought well, if not a little undistinguished. Unfortunately, it was here that the Crown Prince was slain during what is known in Bob-omb’s circles as The Night of the Falling Rocks, during which Commander Clawgrip, desperate to stop Mario’s movement, began chucking rocks into his own troops in a forced attempt to crush him. Sadly, one of these rocks instead smashed the Crown Prince, killing him. Shortly after, the royal family was alerted of the terrible news. For Alfonso, his brother was dead, and this meant that he was no longer the Duke of Bombania. Instead, he was now the Crown Prince and heir to the throne.
Returning home after his brother's untimely death, the new Crown Prince immediately threw himself into his duties. Despite never expecting to take the duties of heir, he was described as being graceful and dignified, if not a little stoic. While perhaps lacking his older brother's passion, the consensus was that the new Crown Prince, though not as beloved by the people as his older brother, would perhaps make an even better king than his brother. Long pledged as a vassal of the great Koopa Kingdom, the young Crown Prince found himself returning to his military duties after war broke out over Dinosaur Island. Despite being counseled against the decision, the Crown Prince felt that it was his duty to lead his troops during the war, returning to the army and being stationed as a junior officer in the 33rd aerial artillery corps. When I spoke to the king about the war, he told me how it shaped his belief in preserving the loyalty of his men while balancing that with the oath they swore to King Bowser. The war was fraught with difficulties from the start, when an intense wind storm prevented the army from landing at their intended landing spot at the connection between Chocolate island and the Forest of Illusion. Instead, the troops were forced to land 50km away in the middle of Chocolate Island, cutting them off from their intended supply lines and forcing them to spend precious time establishing a new camp while attempting to reconnect with the rest of Bowser’s army. When I spoke to the King about his time on Chocolate Island, he lamented that he felt things would have been much different had he landed at the intended spot, pointing out to me that not only did he have to find the rest of his scattered army, but also that perhaps as much as 20% of his force was either swept off the mountain or never found. Because of these delays, when Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi reached their position the Bob-omb army wasn’t as prepared as it could have been. To make matters worse, while attempting to organize his men, Luigi managed to launch a shell into the wind up key of the Crown Prince, shattering it and forcing him to relinquish command of his army, greatly demoralizing his men. Despite putting up fierce resistance, the disorganized corps found itself shattered and unable to function as an effective fighting force. As if this tragedy wasn’t enough, while recuperating from his injuries the Crown Prince received word that his beloved father’s fuse had gone out and that the young Crown Prince was now King of the Bob-ombs.
Always a traditionalist, after taking the throne from his father, the newly crowned King Bob-omb immediately began attempting to return the Bob-omb kingdom to the old ways. Ruling by executive fiat, as was his right as sovereign, the King signed several orders. Chief among them was the banning of non-royals from showing their arms (a practice the King found vulgar.) In hindsight the King admitted he acted hastily in these orders bringing about a period of dissension amongst the lower classes. These troubles came to a head during the Siege of Castle Peach, when, after deploying his forces for the use of King Bowser, he found himself facing a military insurrection. A group of Bob-ombs calling themselves the Bob-omb Buddies turned on their fellow soldiers and aligned with Mario, laying siege to an outpost named Bob-omb Battlefield. Deciding to tackle this issue head-on, the King himself traveled to the Fort to make terms with the rebels. Determined not to see Bob-omb lives lost, even if they were rebels, the King offered to fight Mario in single combat. The stakes were that if he lost, he would let the Buddies leave in peace; but if he won, they would agree to face punishment for their rebellion. Agreeing to those terms, Mario and the King faced off at the summit of Mount Bomb in what historians would name The Summit Duel.
Soldiers who witnessed the duel described it as being a fierce and intense affair, with King Bob-omb attempting to bash Mario with his overwhelming strength and Mario using his superior quickness and mobility. The fight lasted for ten hours with several close calls, such as Mario nearly kicking the King off of the mountain, only for the King to use his explosive ability to rocket himself back to the top, and the King nearly tossing Mario off of the mountain only for Mario to snag a branch with his hat and miraculously fling himself back to the arena again. The fight, legendary as it was, would end in disgrace after Yoshi used the power of a magic hat, transformed himself into Mario, and secretly switched places with him, before knocking the king of the mountain. The Bob-omb’s loyal to the King were furious that their king would be defeated through such dishonorable tactics and it looked as if all-out war would begin again. But the King, ever graceful and determined to keep gunpowder from spilling, refused to keep fighting because technically he was defeated by Mario, even if was under poor form.
After the war, the King returned to running his kingdom. Determined to put down the rebellions that had sprung up, the King offered the Bob-omb Buddies safe passage into the capital for a peace conference. Described by contemporaries as leading the peace conference with both grace and compassion, the King listened to the buddies' cause. Acknowledging his mistakes and that he went too far, he agreed to revoke a number of his proclamations in return for the Bob-omb Buddies laying down their arms and rejoining the kingdom, which the majority of the Buddies happily accepted. After this, the Kingdom returned to peace and stability under the wise guidance of its king. Always a military man, the King would continue to expand the army under the service of King Bowser; although the King himself would mostly retire from active command, he would implement several policies designed to keep the military large, effective, and strong. Despite mostly retiring from active service, the King would return to lead the troops personally during the dimensional rift, leading his troops in the frigid Mount Brrr. Intending to use the elements against Mario, Luigi, and their paper counterpart, King Bob-omb planned to utilize the region’s unexpected warm weather, which had weakened the ice and snow on the mountain. Then, using his soldiers to blow up ice chunks, he worked to prevent Mario and co. from climbing the mountain.
Unfortunately, a cold snap swept through the region, solidifying the ice and causing the plan to require twice as much explosive power to dislodge the ice. In turn, this lowered the amount of ice dislodged by 50%. Because of this, Mario and co. had little problem climbing the mountain and defeating the depleted Bob-omb ranks, once again a genius plan of King Bob-omb was defeated by the elements.
Described as a firm but fair leader, those I interviewed conceded that while the King may not be the most charismatic guy, it’s clear through his actions that he truly cares about his kingdom and subjects. Coined as a workaholic, it’s not unusual for the King to begin his workday before the sun rises and not end it before the sun has set. One of the King's few passions outside of his work is his love of golf. When I spoke to the King, he told me how he has been in love with golf since an early age, and one of his lifelong ambitions was to qualify for the Mushroom Kingdom tour. This is something that he managed to do this year, qualifying for their Super Rush tour.
In my interviews I found the King to be a somewhat distant figure, always professional; he answered my questions but had little interest in any comradery with me, treating me with strict courtesy but little else. Despite this, I could tell that underneath his cold exterior lies a King who truly wants to do right for his Kingdom and his King.
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament that's sponsored by WarioWare. Expecting Waluigi Time? Too bad, Chuck time. Heh heh, I thought that would be funny to say. Uh, anyway, I'm the announcer today, I ran an internet campaign. So yeah, Wario wanted to promote his new microgames so he's sponsoring our match this month. I don't know if there's anything I'm supposed to say... Uh, buy the new WarioWare microgames, I guess. With that boring shilling out of the way let's get to the fun part.
Waluigi Time gave me notecards to introduce the fighters with, so here goes nothing. Give it up for the Funky Fresh Fighter, the Disco Demolitionist, JIMMY T.!
Alright, we got this dude with the weird hair. So what can he do? He dances. I think that's it. But you know, dancing is kind of like fighting, I guess, you can, uh, breakdance and kick your opponent in the face, or something. Probably pretty easy to dodge attacks too. Yeah.
Wow, this announcing thing is harder than it looks.
Okay, uh, next fighter. Please welcome the Magical Merchant, the Cool Cat of Commerce, the SHOP OWNER!
So yeah, when you're a shop owner, um, you got a lot of stuff, right? So you can probably use that stuff to fight with. They got all kinds of different items that would be good in combat but I don't know what they are because someone spilled ketchup on my notes. Also they can transform into a cat. I don't really know why.
Cool, cool, now let's start the- oh wait, uhh, I'm supposed to predict who wins. Uhhhhh... I'm just gonna pick Jimmy T. because he looks cool. That's my prediction. Hope you like it.
Alright, so, looks like Jimmy T. is starting the fight by pulling out a boombox and playing some funky tunes. Hey, that's not bad. I kinda like this. Oh, uh, right, the match. The Shop Owner just threw an apple at Jimmy T. for some reason. Oh, I guess it was actually an explosive apple. It singed his hair but he's still dancing. Now he's moving towards the Shop Owner. He tried to hit them with his dance moves, but they turned into a cat and dodged it instead. Huh. Now they turned back and they're playing a bugle at Jimmy T. for some reason. Gonna be honest I don't really understand much of what's going on here. I don't even know if that did anything.
Now the Shop Owner pulled out some sort of, uhhh, statue, robot thing? Oh, it's shooting lasers now. Jimmy T. is doing pretty good dancing out of the way though. Oh, now the Shop Owner transformed into a big fist. And they punched Jimmy T. and uh, it looks like he's down. Man, I was hoping he would win. Oh well. Looks like the winner is-
"WAHAHA! What Wario-sponsored event would be complete without an appearance by the great Wario himself? Move it or lose it, Chucky, Wario's gonna introduce himself!"
"That's-a right, the great WARIO is here to show you chumps what a REAL Smackdown looks like! Wahaha! I've got all sorts of cool moves, I don't even have time to talk about all of 'em! All you need to know is that I'm such a powerhouse I could obliterate any opponent in at least 29 different ways! You've heard of my famous Dash Attack, haven't you? How about the Wario Waft? Now that's classy! Wahaha! And with my impressive strength it's gonna take a heck of a lot of power to even come close to being able to take me down! Anyway, it-a looks like I'm fighting the Shop Owner today! You know who's gonna win? ME! WAHAHA! Take it away, Chucky!"
Uh, okay, that happened. Guess we're doing this now. So uh, the Shop Owner starts by pulling out a cannon and firing it at Wario, but... Wait, did Wario just eat the cannonball? How does that, uh, I'm confused. That's not what I saw, right? It can't be. Uh, well, anyway, Wario is charging at the Shop Owner with his signature Dash Attack but, uh, the Shop Owner's head, it just uh, turned into a giant pair of lips, and they kissed Wario with them, and it stopped him. Seriously, what's going on here? Did Waluigi Time set me up?
Okay, so, Wario tried to punch the Shop Owner but they turned into a cat and dodged it again, and then turned into a dog and bit him on the leg. Wario looks like he's having a rotten day. Get it? Like his catchphrase. Oh, Wario countered with a Wario Waft. Great. That's probably not going to be pleasant. But wait, the Shop Owner transformed into a dragon and lit Wario on fire! That's gotta be a win for the Shop Owner, right? Oh, nevermind. Wario's running around the ring on fire now. Okay. And now he crashed straight into the Shop Owner. They're both down on the floor, uh, is this a tie? Oh wait, Wario got up. So I guess Wario wins.
"WAHAHAHA! That's right! I'm-a the winner! Me, me, ME! Remember to buy my new microgames! Wahaha! Now where's my victory garlic burrito?!"
Huh. Well that was an experience. Hopefully you enjoyed the match and my great announcing, if you want to, you know, nominate fighters for next month or something, send us your suggestions. That would be cool.
I think that's enough announcing for me for a while...
The Odyssey of a Squid
Written by: Ninja Squid (talk)
A VISIT TO ROGUEPORT
Day 8
Okay, this is bad journal!
Rogueport is under the assault by a gang of scoundrels who are aggressively looking for the "rare artefact" everywhere. Yeah, aggressively, because there has been a couple of murders since my return in the port town. Don't worry journal, because we have taken the necessary measures… Well, actually, it may be too soon to say that, but I have to trust Ms. Mowz on this one. I'll take the time to give details to you about what's going on right now before I go for a night patrol.
After my hasty return from Glitzville, and that I put myself in the shoes of Sticky Warrior, the fighter from the Glitz Pit, Ms. Mowz and me went to give some help to the Pianta syndicate when they found out the body of one of their member. Some folks were around, looking at us while Ms. Mowz, myself, and a guy from the syndicate were carrying the body out of alleyway right next to Westside Goods. Once my main mission done, I decided to talk with some of the citizens, and to my shock, some of them were accusing me, well, accusing "Ninja Squid" of being an accomplice in the crimes happening recently. I was wondering why they would be accusing them of doing such a thing to begin with, and I took the opportunity to play the hypocrite by pretending not knowing whom it was. Well, journal, this town has waaaaay too many fools for its own good. One of the reasons for myself to be accused is that I was hanging around way too often in the shady corners of Rogueport! Well, excuse me if I had fallen asleep in a bandit hideout in the east side of the town! Honestly journal, I think the resident of the west side of Rogueport are waaay too judgmental of the citizens of the east side, and it is no matter why there is always some sort of rivalry between them. Ms. Mowz told me that it was always like that, and it does not seem like it was going to change. To be honest with you journal, there must be a way to unite them in some way… In any case, let's not dwell on that right now.
After sharing my frustration with Ms. Mowz, she told me that she in fact had a plan, and that she did put it in preparation before looking for me in Glitzville. With the connections she has as the owner of the largest badge shop in the surrounding area of Rogueport, she called for an emergency meeting with the Rogueport Restoration Committee, and with some important figures of the port town in order to make a decision to put an end to the crisis that is occurring. Honestly, Ms. Mowz never failed to amaze me with her clever moves like that. To tell the truth, I have a deep admiration for her. She has been such a valuable help, and she didn't had to go into all these struggles only for me. All this fills me with a certain gratitude, something I have never truly felt in the past. Well, if we exclude The 'Shroom of course, because I guess I felt something comparable when I first met that lovely newspaper.
After getting lost in my thoughts for a moment, Ms. Mowz told me we had to go to the headquarters of the Rogueport Restoration Committee for the meeting because it was going to happen soon enough.
After arriving to the HQ, we took seat to the overly large conference table, which seemed excessively big for the number of people present. The Rogueport Restoration Committee has as members some strange individuals. One of them was a man dressed in purple who was complaining that some detective weirdo in town was bothering his cereal manufacturing, and that some Shbig Changes (have I wrote this properly?) was not too happy. I still don't have a clue what the guy was talking about, and who that "Shbig Changes" is, but one thing for certain is that cereals was truly important for him.
My biggest surprise, while sitting at that gigantic table was when I heard that little flower bud there saying he was a special envoy for… you will not believe this journal… for Emperor Roserade the First! What the heck! Since when Roserade has gain such clout to gain membership to the Rogueport Restoration Committee?!
While sitting at the table with Ms. Mowz, she told me that the Rogueport Restoration Committee is a group of people who are working for the development of the port town. Some of them where some big shot and people with great influence who could provide a lot of funding and because of it, they are able to get involved in important decision when it comes down to rules and laws in Rogueport. Perhaps it would be better to call it a guild of some sort to make this simpler. Knowing all this pieces of information, it was definitely not helping me at all, as I felt more and more awkward. Serious businesses and important stuff like that has never been my forte, as I could not go along in there playing some funny schemes, and I loooooove doing schemes, but it was not the time nor the place for that… unfortunately.
Anyway, after what took like an eternity for me, the meeting has finally started. Our goal was to find a plan to get rid of the bandits who were causing all these killings and prevent the situation from escalating. However, there was kind of a problem. No one in there were interested in spending some decent amount of money to ensure a proper order in town. Although, they decided to close the borders so that no one can enter or leave the town, which means the rogues could not get away from Rogueport. While, I understand the reasoning behind this, it was pretty much a double-edged sword. The bandits would then have the opportunity in going into a killing spree. Oh right, and to put the icing on the cake, communication with the outside world was also going to be cut in order to avoid spreading the word about these murder cases. Everything to avoid ruining the town's economy of course… *sigh* As if it was the most important thing right now… Overall, absolutely no one of us was safe anymore!
There was no great resources at our disposal, and to tell the truth, this disgusting meeting appalled me. That is when I told to Ms. Mowz that we should send the rogues after them instead. She laughed, but you know what journal? Ms. Mowz has a pretty smile… I like it a lot even… Oh! I digress again, sorry…
She then tried to cheer me up a bit, and I have to say that she did so quite well. I cannot stay sad with her around, that much is for sure. She told me that there is always a few things possible despite our lack of resources. Ms. Mowz had the idea to establish some kind of patrol team that could investigate Rogueport, and helping us in getting rid of the rogues. Ms. Mowz and I went to the Trouble Center to display a poster that we were looking for volunteers for the patrol squad, but we also decided to chat with some citizens in order to get the message across that whoever was interested must go to the Trouble Center at night.
When nighttime came, we went immediately over there to see if the idea had worked, and unbelievably journal, it worked… but maybe not to our expectations. I know Rogueport's demographics is not the most impressive, but to be honest, I am unsure if that squad was even going to be especially effective. Among the squad, there was a detective who keeps shouting "IN JUSTICE WE TRUST!", who almost arrest the forensic who just came in town not long ago. A weird detective going by the name of... goodness what was the name again? Sham... Shamluigi? No, Shmaluigi! Yeah, Shmaluigi. That guy strangely look similar to someone I might know, but I can't really put my finger on it, and there was also a freaking goose in that squad! Yes, a goose! That was possibly the funniest thing of all!
As of now, the goose is currently chasing every single Toads away, and the Shmaluigi guy is doing some investigation while hiding way in a garbage can. I am not so sure if both of them were doing something effective, weird, or in Shmaluigi's case something disgusting. As for Ms. Mowz, and me, well the unmatched flair and the watchful eyes as we decided to name ourselves had our own plan. Ms. Mowz decided to look further in the west side of Rogueport, and I was in charge of looking in the east side near the Robbo Thieves hideout. I do not know what lies ahead of us, but we will make sure to stay safe out there.
I must say that I remain a bit skeptical of our patrol squad, and it makes me more anxious than necessary, and that is why I think the situation is bad for us right now. I hope that I can avoid my true identity to be made public, but I have to trust Ms. Mowz on that one. Maybe a bit too much, perhaps?
I wonder journal… Will we be able to put an end to the rogues in Rogueport? Oh! It is almost time for me to go into patrol. Well, let us end this here for now, and I will give you some news when the right time comes.
Stay fresh, journal!
A number of strange and mysterious mysteries have circled the ‘Shroom for years, and one of the the most mysterious concerns this very article; what does the TV in TV Tomorrow stand for? Two letters, both towards the alphabet’s end, scoring a base score 5 in Scrabble, and with a curious hidden meaning that many have speculated about - Terrible Vivisections? Titanic Villainy? Tornado Valley? Thousands have suggested the letters link to a greater conspiracy, a clue to something dark and twisted and surprising lying beneath the surface. During my tenure as the article writer, I have personally interpreted the letters as standing for TeleVision, which has got me called ‘boring’ and ‘unimaginative’. But you have to admit, it is the most contextually appropriate interpretation. Let’s get on with it; here’s September’s TeleVision Tomorrow!
The Shroomlock Files: The Prisoner’s Dilemma
MKBC2, 10pm
Genre: Murder mystery
September has become synonymous with Shroomlock Files specials, and this year is no different. This year’s sees Shroomlock discover inconsistencies in a double homicide case from five years previously, a case that had sentenced a man (played by Mario) to life imprisonment. Shroomlock suspects the prisoner is innocent, and begins a race against the clock to save him and find the true killer. Compelling and brilliantly clever as always. (Though please note the plot doesn’t actually ever reference the Prisoner’s Dilemma thought experiment. The writers just needed a catchy subtitle.)
Yoshi Wars
Party Channel, 7.30pm
Genre: Game show
Don’t worry, the Yoshis aren’t at war again. This war is much more civil - yes, I know, the six historical Wars of the Yoshis were all technically Civil Wars, but I mean that this one is more polite, as in it is structured as a series of physical games for teams of three Yoshis to compete in for points to determine an overall champion. Tomorrow’s episode includes a boulder-pushing race and a high-tension dodgeball match. With Birdo adding some flavour as host, this is a fun-filled if hectic watch for all the family.
New: Let’s Go, Mario!
MKBC Kids, 11am
Genre: Educational children’s show
Yet another television programme best illustrated with a picture of Mario looking directly at the camera, Let’s Go, Mario! is no fun at all for anyone over the age of five, but the inanity proves strangely compelling for young children, and many experts have stated that it’s one of the best of its kind. Mario acts as a Dora-esque ‘fake-interactive’ protagonist, asking the audience for help and telling them they got it right regardless of what they yelled at the screen. Well, positive reinforcement is usually beneficial, and if you like, you can say cynical and/or deliberately stupid things for your own amusement, and it may make it more bearable.
If you want to read a TV Tomorrow article not about TeleVision but about Tree Variations or Total Versatility or Time Vipers or Triangular Vertices or Tinsel Verticality or Tasty Vinegar or Tim Vine or Techno Visionaries or Turkish Views or The Vacuum or Triskaidekaphobic Vaquitas, I’m afraid you’ll have to write it yourself first. I can’t sate all your TV needs. But next time you need information on fictional TeleVision, I’ll be there. Provided that time is October.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 174 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
