The 'Shroom:Issue 202/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Can you believe we haven't had a new issue of The 'Shroom since last year? Yeah, I know last year was only a few weeks ago, what's your point?
I have some exciting news - we have a new section debuting this month! In addition to Sport Report, ClawgripFan9001 will now be writing Cooking Guide as well! It's great to have a classic staple of Fake News with us again after several years of absence, and I'm excited to see what he has in store for us. Be sure to give it a read and see what's being cooked up!
Additionally, after a few delays, the finale of Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown is finally here! But now it's exactly three years since I started writing it, so it's okay. Eight nominees that didn't quite make the cut the first time around have been chosen for a series of four matches, so maybe you'll see a character you suggested before! If you'd like to see more Smackdown or something similar, I encourage anyone interested in picking it up - or writing anything for the paper, really - to send an application to Meta Knight (talk)! Everything you need to know is on our sign up page. (We also take volunteer sections like News Flush without needing an application at all! Just send it to me privately and I'll help sort things out!)
Hopefully that's enough for you to forgive the absences of Consumer Corner and Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents this month. All of your other Fake News favorites are still here, though!
Before I go, I'd like to congratulate frequent Fake News contributor Shoey (talk) and our Statistics Manager Meta Knight on moving up into directing staff! Here's to a great year!
Section of the Month
Looks like the voters thought that TheBlueCatMenace wrote a wonderful section - last month's trip to the Flower Kingdom in The Sunshine Travel Guide took first place with nearly half of the votes! Dear Waluigi Time came in second, giving advice on the acceptable time to take down holiday decorations, caring for sick slimes, and overcoming a mountain of questions. In a very close third, TV Tomorrow by Quizmelon (talk) covered the festive television programs available to watch in the Mushroom Kingdom this past holiday season. Thanks for voting, and be sure to keep supporting our writers! And don't forget, if you think a section deserves some extra recognition, you can always submit it through our Poochy's Picks form to be featured over in Staff Notes!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 19 | 47.50% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | Dear Waluigi Time | 7 | 17.50% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | TV Tomorrow | 6 | 15.00% | Quizmelon (talk) |
Happy 2024, televiewers! After rather an intense year in 2023 I’m settling down for a more casual annum this time around. Who needs a World Tour when I can share my writing talent from the comfort of my own home, right? Besides, I need some time to grapple with the absolute mess that whole interdimensional thing has made of the lore of this column. It’s really only raised more questions than answers. For now I’ve just decided it works kind of the same way as in Barbie, so if you have any pressing questions, email Greta Gerwig. To those of you who have kindly suspended your disbelief, however - here are the top three shows of January in the Mushroom Kingdom!
New: The Frog Who Couldn’t Jump
MKBC1, 9pm
Genre: Drama miniseries
Based on a true story, this moving series initially may appear a little basic - its title makes it sound like a kids’ book, and the plot, about a young Nimbus prince adopted by a frog colony discovering his real parentage, seems nothing spectacular. But the subject is handled with unexpected yet welcome dramatic weight, exploring both the personal and the political; the genuine traumatic impact of being gaslit about your identity, and the uncomfortable power of genealogy-based authority systems. Mallow gives a stunning emotional performance in the lead role, truly embodying his character’s desperate struggle for identity and family. A must-watch.
Lost Levels
MKBC4, 5.30pm
Genre: History documentary
This isn’t the first documentary to cover the Lost Levels, the mysterious period of Mushroom Kingdom history about which very little is known, and which often gets glossed over in favour of more memorable events like the Bros era and the World era. But following the recent discovery by a team of Dry Bones archaeologists of a number of what are believed to be royal court records, and a resultant flurry of scholarship in academic circles, this one comes armed with a wealth of expertise unmatched by any that came before. Though tragically buried on a smaller channel, the often-esoteric MKBC4, this is an in-depth, sincere documentary made with real love, love for a lost time slowly being found once again.
10 To Win: Battle of the Champions
MKBC2, 7pm
Genre: Game show special
One of the Mushroom Kingdom’s most-watched game shows, the strategic point-scoring trivia game 10 To Win has seen several super-brainy contestants achieve almost celebrity status thanks to their long victory streaks in the show’s winner-stays-on format. Now, in this special primetime edition, four of the most iconic winners return to battle it out in an ultra-difficult quiz. The show’s first big winner Mario, likeable quick-off-the-buzzer Yoshi, and cunning tactician Waluigi may all be strong candidates to make it to coveted ten points first, but Kamek will be hard to beat - as the longest-running champion ever with 25 straight wins, and an encyclopedia-worth of knowledge in his brain, he’s the clear favourite. Get ready for a tense, intense night of hard core quizzing.
There we have it! And look, the stabilising threads of the TV Tomorrow universe are resolving themselves neatly already. All the fictional worlds are at peace with one another, never to cross again - what’s that? What?! Pink Gold Peach has broken into the Barbie universe? Oh Christ, this is my fault for even raising the comparison, isn’t it… I did not ask for the powers I have been given! Oh well, at least it’s just PGP, so nobody cares. But this better all get sorted out this year, it’s my 100th issue at some point and I want this column’s multiverse to seem orderly and well-thought-out before then. And all this heading into February as well. Typical. Well, I’ll get on with my frankly disastrous worldbuilding, you get on with your television watching, and we’ll see each other again next month for yet another TV Tomorrow!
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: MegaBowser64, MightyMario, and Lissi
Dear Waluigi Time,
It's me, WARIO! I eat garlic for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, because it makes me STRONG. However, everybody says it just makes me STINK! Is there anything I could eat to make me smell better, while still keeping my handsome, muscular form?
Yours truly, WARIO
You're in luck, my microgame-creating friend! Garlic is a plant!
I know that sounds incredibly obvious, but hear me out. Plants can be crossed with other plants to create new plants with their qualities! You know what else is a plant? Mint! The universal symbol of good breath. The solution is really quite simple, all you have to do is cross garlic and mint together to create a brand new kind of garlic that leaves you with minty fresh breath after you eat it. (Please look up how to do this yourself, I'm not a farmer.) I'm pretty sure you can even patent the brand new garmint (mintlic?) and sell it to make money! I think I already know how you feel about that idea.
But if that seems like too much effort, or it turns out I don't actually understand how this works, just spray yourself with some air freshener. Works every time.
I wish you pleasant odors!
Dear Waluigi Time,
My boyfriend always puts super spicy things on everything we eat. Just last night, we were eating some microwave burritos, and he put something called “Lavalava Volcano Sauce” on it. I don’t have the heart to tell him it weirds me out, what’s a good way to tell my boyfriend that his hot sauce habit is odd?
-Cayde
...You know who you're talking to, right? I think you came to the wrong place.
There are no weird food habits, only ones that the big food executives are too afraid to market! Everyone has different preferences, food or otherwise, and that's part of what makes life fun. How boring would it be if we all liked the exact same things? (Although, if everyone just so happened to like my products in particular, I wouldn't exactly be opposed to that...) My advice to you is to just accept it.
Now, if this is personally affecting you because the hot sauce is also ending up on your own food, that's a different story. As we all know and as has even been scientifically proven, cold is the opposite of hot, so you could try counteracting it by putting ice cream on everything! As an added bonus, everything becomes dessert, and if that's not a good time I don't know what is. Or you could just say "hey, please don't put hot sauce on my food", I guess...
Bon appetit!
Dear Waluigi Time,
do you, by any chance, know how alternate dimensions work? Or maybe just have a way to GET ME OUT OF HERE
THE MUSHROOMS CAN WALK AND TALK AND I ALMOST GOT EATEN BY A GIANT VENUS FLYTRAP AAAH
from a random Canadian girl stuck in a strange world
Alternate dimensions are weird and kind of a pain, but I have it on good authority that they exist, at least!
So, the thing about alternate dimensions is that they're really finicky. Sometimes you can travel between them intentionally, and sometimes it just sort of happens and you wake up in some weird place. Don't really know why that's the case, but it's very unfortunate, and I'm guessing it probably happened to you! Maybe you can just wait around a while and hope you get sent back home. Or at least another dimension more suited to your tastes.
If you feel like being a little more proactive, you could try finding an expert in dimensional magic who may or may not be able to send you back home. Unfortunately, I think they're mostly evil, dead, or evil and dead. Steer clear of suave jesters and large ghost monarchs. If you can find a member of the Shaman clan, they'll probably be more helpful than I am. Just make sure that you steer clear of Chet Rippo, the man's a hack and a fraud!
Oh, and in the meantime, if you think the Piranha Plants were bad, stay away from the beach at all costs. You do not want to mess with those fish, trust me.
Happy travels!
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Ahoy, mateys! Welcome ta a brand new edition o' the Cookin' Guide! I be that culinary crustacean, ClawgripFan9001! I've recently started ta get an interest in culinary arts, so I asked me manager o'er at Fake News if I could take up writin' the Cookin' Guide as well, an' I was given the green light ta start writin' it right away, so 'ere I am, 'avin' traded in me pirate bandana fer a chef's hat, ready ta teach ya landlubbers 'ow ta cook! So let's dive into it!
So fer me first culinary adventure, I paid a visit ta the 'Ot Fraun in Flopside, where I 'ad arranged ta meet with the restaurant's chef, Dyllis. I pushed open the door, an' was greeted by a rather angry lookin' Dyllis.
“Yar, why the long face, ma'am?” ClawgripFan9001 asked Dyllis with a curiously raised eyebrow.
“Vhat do you think? Ve had agreed to meet at three in ze afternoon, und it is six in ze evening right about now,” Dyllis told him, the angry look not leaving her face.
ClawgripFan9001 sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. “Aye, I do 'pologize 'bout that. It took a while fer me ship ta reach Flopside, since interdimensional travel be a prolongin' process.”
Dyllis pointed a ladle in ClawgripFan9001's direction. “Right...Vell, let's make zis quick, because I have customers to serve.”
“O' course. Well, 'ere's all the ingredients ye need fer t'day's dish; The Gourmet Burger. We've got a Loaf o' Bread, a Shroom Steak, a Tomato, a Turtley Leaf an' a Piece o' Cheese,” ClawgripFan9001 told Dyllis as he handed her the ingredients.
“It is rather insulting to ask me to make zis muck, für I am capable of much more refined dishes...” Dyllis muttered under her breath before speaking out loud. “Now listen carefully, because I won't say zis again,” she warned ClawgripFan9001.
“Aye, I be 'earin' ye,” ClawgripFan9001 replied as he pulled out a notepad, ready to write down the cooking instructions.
“Right. First, cut ze Loaf of Bread in half. Next, put ze Shroom Steak in a non-stick pan und grill it at a temperature of one-hundred-und-thirty-one degrees Fahrenheit. Once ze Shroom Steak is vell cooked, put it on ze bottom of ze Loaf of Bread, cut ze Tomato into pieces, then cut ze Piece of Cheese before adding it to ze burger. Finally, apply ze Turtley Leaf und Tomato, put ze top of ze Loaf of Bread on top, zen you are finished. Did you get all of zat?” Dyllis asked ClawgripFan9001 as she showed him how to make the Gourmet Burger step by step.
“Yar, loud an' clear!” ClawgripFan9001 grinned as he finished writing all of that down. “Thanks fer takin' the time ta show me faithful readers 'ow ta make this delicious Gourmet Burger, ma'am! They be sure ta 'preciate it!”
Dyllis gave him a nod. “Of course. I strife für nothing but perfection in ze culinary arts.”
Yar, so this be what ye need fer makin' a Gourmet Burger!
Ingredients
- A Loaf o' Bread
- A Shroom Steak
- A Tomato
- A Turtley Leaf
- A Piece O' Cheese
Appliances
- A sharp knife
- A non-stick pan
- A stove or a furnace
Instructions
- Cut the Loaf o' Bread into 'alf.
- Put the Shroom Steak into the non-stick pan an' grill it at a temperature o' one-hundred-an'-one degrees Fahrenheit.
- Once the Shroom Steak be well cooked, put it on the bottom o' the Loaf o' Bread.
- Cut the Tomato into pieces.
- Cut the Piece o' Cheese an' put it on the burger.
- Apply the Turtley Leaf an' Tomato.
- Put the top o' the Loaf o' Bread on top, an' there ye go! Ye be 'avin' yerselves a delicious Gourmet Burger!
Yar, 'opefully ye found this Cookin' Guide useful, mateys! I be seein' ye next time with a new edition o' the Cookin' Guide!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Court Announces Temporary Stop on Ice Land Ghost House Demolition
The Ice Land circuit court announced today that the World 5 municipal government must immediately halt the demolition of the World 5 Ghost House, pending the resolution of a lawsuit filed by the Ice Land Historic Society. The demolition project, approved last year and set to get underway this month, is a part of a broader municipal redevelopment project, seeking to boost World 5's economy by expanding housing and attracting new residents. Though the board of supervisors approved the demolition, the plan has attracted considerable opposition, with opponents citing the historical significance of the World 5 Ghost House.
Supporters of the demolition plan argue that the building stands in the way of making progress in city planning and economic development. The demolition of the building to pave the way for a new lot of apartments and single-family dwellings has long-been envisioned as a the capstone of World 5's long-term redevelopment project, which has seen three Toad Houses built in the city and the infrastructure improvements including the installation of a Warp Cannon and an extensive Warp Pipe system. Supporters have additionally argued that the Ghost House is unsightly and unsafe, with Johnathan Spike, owner of 5-1 Lumberjacking calling it "a dilapidated eyesore infested by ghosts, and violent ghosts at that", at last year's public hearing on the demolition project.
In a statement reacting to the court's announcement, the board of supervisors said:
We are deeply disappointed by this announcement, but we are confident that this suit will not ultimately prevent the demolition of the World 5 Ghost House. This is a massive redevelopment opportunity that will, in the long-term, bring a windfall to this city. The Ghost House is not only an obstacle to progress, but a danger to the public, with faulty, jerking elevators, bricks throughout the structure destroyed by Broozers, and rotting wooden floors. While it may have an important place in World 5's history, it is time to bring the building down and move into the final stages of our redevelopment project.
Those against the building's demolition, led by the Ice Land Historic Society, argue that the building, a sprawling mansion originally built by Montgomery C. Snailicorn, around which the city grew, should be treated as a historic landmark and preserved. Others have questioned whether or not the Boos, Splunkins, and Broozers which have come to inhabit the property may warrant protection, with Splunkins in particular labeled an "at-risk" species by some environmental groups. Marvin "Spiketop" Topper, deputy chair of the society, had the following to say after the court's announcement:
We applaud the court for doing the right thing and preventing an undue demolition of a truly historic building. While we understand that the board of supervisors has a responsibility to ensure the steady economic development of this city, there is no need for the protection of history to conflict with that goal. While some measures would need to be taken to make the building safe, preserving the Ghost House and building this new housing elsewhere would allow the city to turn it into a tourist draw. This was the very first building erected in the limits of World 5, the last remaining example in the region of the Rustic-Deco architectural style popular at the time it was built. It is a central part of our city's history, and we must not let it go so easily.
The order to stop demolition work lasts only until the court makes a decision as to whether or not it will hear the suit, though the order will be extended if the court finds that the historic society has standing and the suit proceeds. For more on this controversial redevelopment, we turn to our long-time reporters, Hooded Pitohui and Shoey.
|
Well now, Shoe, I consider myself a student of history, but I also consider myself a devotee of the data. While I respect the Ice Land Historical Society and respect the significance of this old building, I've reviewed the board of supervisors' projections, and I don't see a way to justify leaving this old building standing and missing out on the economic windfall that new housing can bring to this city. Now, these projections by the board aren't coming out of thin air, either. The neighboring Flower Kingdom successfully demolished and redeveloped all Ghost Houses within their territory (save one, which was extensively refurbished), to the dramatic improvement of property values and economic activity in every region in which those Ghost Houses were situated. This Ghost House, as it is right now? All it's doing is bringing down property values and putting public safety in jeopardy. The Broozers have already destroyed most of the interior beyond recognition and repair, the elevator lifts within are faulty and prone to rapidly falling and rising in an unpredictable manner, and, of course, the ghosts themselves are a nuisance to citizens. While I applaud efforts to preserve history, I ask, what is there to preserve here? After a few more years of decay, there will be no excuse not to condemn this building. That's how much it has fallen apart and been destroyed already. Furthermore, I ask, why now? This building has sat here for decades falling into decay, and the historical society showed no interest in it before its potential demolition became news. How long would it have continued to sit, failing to attract their attention, inviting in more frightening Boos and destructive Broozers, had there not been any talk of demolishing it? If there was no concern over its status before, why is there one now? Listen, history is important, but there comes a time when we have to let go of pieces of the past. Demolishing this Ghost House will bring great benefits to World 5, so it's time to let the processes of city development progress. |
|
I can't believe it, but I actually agree with Hood on this issue. Now granted, it's because he's dropped his liberal ideals for some practical common sense! These Ghost Houses are eyesores, decrepit buildings at risk of falling over at any point! Not only that, but they're full of dangerous ghosts. Boos, Broozers, those weird pumpkin-head guys, they're always lurking around the building, spooking anyone who enters that monstrosity. It's a madness house full of tricks and traps. Take the wrong door, and suddenly you're face-to-face with a gang of angry Broozers who start swinging. The only historical thing about these bizarrchitecture houses is how old they are. So what? Put the blueprints in a museum and let's be done with it. There's no reason we should let this madness palace stand. It's bad enough that trickster spirits lay within the house, pulling ghost scams on all who enter, but sometimes at night they escape and start pulling tricks on innocent bystanders! There's just no place for these old horror homes, a relic of a bygone era where people apparently wanted to live with ghosts. Nowadays, people want to live in neighborhoods that don't have dangerous eyesores. These houses have been proven to lower property values by an average of 12%. Not to mention, houses in neighborhoods containing Ghoust Houses take almost three months longer to sell than houses in Ghost House-less neighborhoods. The facts are clear. People don't want to live in neighborhoods swarming with ghosts. Whatever historical value there would be keeping this Ghost House standing doesn't outweigh the practical value Ice Land would get from knocking it down! |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Written by: Legend 8
Episode 3 – the cheese of DOOOOOOM
Once again, it's a wonderful day in the Mushroom Kingdom and a strange turtle guy in black classic wizard's robes is back on stage, the audience smaller still than last time.
Pyro: Hello, welcome back to the Sorcery Show, where reality is no more than a bent spoon! Well, it's us again, Pyro and Kroop and we have prepared something wonderful for you. So let's get started!
Kroop: Oh nooo, I'm so ashamed of us!
Pyro: Be quiet! Well, dear guests, pay attention 'cause now is the grand finale! Pew!!
A rain of glitter shoots out of nowhere and falls to the ground like dancing snowflakes. The audience starts to applaud only a little, hesitating and seemingly not impressed.
Pyro: So, that's it, bye, over, ciao. See you next time for another Sorcery Sh...
The audience boos loudly and throws all kinds of stuff at Pyro that just appeared out of nowhere (where else would it come from?).
Pyro: Ack, stop it! You know, I didn't have enough time to... Ouch! Hey, what the...
Kroop: Ouch! Pyro, now you see what we got for it! We're being hated by everyone just because you were too laz... Uh-oh...
Pyro: GAH!!!! The CHEESE OF DOOOOOM!!!!!!
Pyro staggers backwards as a smelly piece of cheese is thrown after him. His face becomes green and he starts staring incredulous at the cheese.
Pyro: AAAhhghgagag...
Kroop: I think he's trying to say that he can't speak any more because of the smell.
Pyro: ...
Kroop: Ah, yes, you see, cheese is considered the personification of highly logical and reality-chained evil in his scientific area, because, ehm,...
You wouldn't think that the reality-bending thing hadn't left its marks, would you? I am the universal and explanatory almost-narrator and I will explain with my explaining power why cheese is evil. It smells bad, and it has holes that redirect and turn around spells when they are fired inside, sometimes leading to a catastrophe. They...
Pyro has had enough and runs offstage, shooting a fire bolt behind his back at the cheese and screaming.
Kroop: Pyro, wait! Otherwise you'll miss the... Oh no. CATASTROPHE!!!!!
The cheese explodes into flames, melts and then reforms, extremely growing in size. It forms a huge powerful monstrous body made of cheese that grabs Kroop in its enormous hand and then stomps away.
Pyro: Kroop! Well, audience, you wanted a show - you get a show! I, the heroic... Bah, this cheese is... Ugh! But Kroop was right, and this is my chance to make up for i.. bleh.
He snaps his fingers and his nose disappears.
Pyro: Mnuch bnetter! So, er, I wnill rnescue hnim!!! Ynou mnustn't run away, I bnound ynou to your sneats so you can enjoy the fhnight wnithout having to rnun away. Snee ya!
(Note: Pyro will sound like this for the rest of this section even though it isn't written like it, please keep that in mind)
Pyro jumps on a broomstick that just appears out of nowhere (where else would it come from?) and flies into the sky, following the cheese monster.
Pyro: You know, it reminds me of a movie. Like, with a big monster. Only this one is made from cheese. Maybe I could call this one... Not Cheddarantula, hasn't got enough legs. Not Cheese Kong either... Yes, I remember. This is, ehm, Gorgonzilla!!! I honestly hope a nose less helps against the smell, who knows when it's a product of magi... I mean YOU KNOW WHAT.
Meanwhile, Gorgonzilla has climbed upon WT tower and now roars at the Mushroom Kingdom below him, spreading his stench everywhere. Pyro approaches and he notices him.
Pyro: Now, you stinky cheese beast, prepare to stop existing - involuntarily! I'm coming for you! Hold on, Kroop! RaaaaaArgh!!! Ouch…
The beast roars and smacks Pyro off his broom while the Magikoopa is about to be sick from the smell that indeed affects him even though he is lacking a nose.
Gorgonzilla roars again - and then suddenly the arm in which he is holding the snapping and swearing Kroop falls off, the rest of his body imploding in a blast of darkness. Meanwhile, Pyro is hiding behind a building and watching.
Pyro: Whoa, hey, it actually worked! Now I'll just need to find where Kroop landed, get my nose back and get back to my audience!
What he did? Oh, hi, it's me again, sorry for interrupting. I'll explain it: he just added a simple word into the source code of reality, turning the cheese holes into black holes. This means...
Pyro: HELLO everyone, explainer please stop explaining you´re very annoying, dear audience, your hero is back! So I hope you'll come again next time and you all survived this, blah blah blah, remember not to throw cheese again, you may now applaud. Bye!
If you don't know what's happening right now, I'll explain it to you. Pyro got back to his audience and... Ouch! Hey, I'm just doing my job! It's your fault that I exist!
Kroop: I'm getting a headache again...
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
New Donk City: Ridonkulously Fun
[Insert Greeting Here] Everyone! After spending a long time at the Flower Kingdom, I returned to the 'Shroom Office only to be immediately sent to a ceremony where I received two awards and then hopped on the wrong bus and ended up at a city. After walking around for a bit, I realized this was the famous New Donk City! I was tipped off by the giant billboards with Donkey Kong and Mario. So I thought, “Why not take a holiday here?” Luckily taking holidays is my job, so it’s a win-win! Okay, I’ve got a deadline, so Let-Sa-Go! Hope I don’t get sued…
History
The city that never leaps is famous across the world for the kidnapping of Pauline. In 1981, the ape Donkey Kong captured a woman named Pauline and held her hostage at the top of the construction site for New Donk City Hall. A carpenter nicknamed Jumpman knocked DK off the scaffolding and sent him plummeting 100 metres to the ground, though some argue it was only 75 metres. Jumpman was awarded a medal, and was later sent to fight monsters in the sewer, with his brother Luigi. Jumpman soon abandoned his nickname in favor for Super Mario. Rumors abound on what caused DK to kidnap Pauline, with theories including Mario forcing DK to perform in a cruel circus.
Donkey Kong soon rehabilitated, and began to have adventures of his own, until he saw an advertisement for Mini Marios and went bananas. He broke into the factory and stole all the toys. Mario later made peace with him, until DK did it again, and again, and again. Pauline was kidnapped multiple times, until Princess Peach sued her for “Stealing my act”.
After being elected Mayor, Pauline did the thing everyone does when they have PTSD. Capitalise on it! She renamed the city from “City” to “New Donk City”, and renamed all the streets, shops, and people to relate to DK. Billboards show pictures of her kidnapping, making sure Pauline never forgets her trauma.
Tour
New Donk City is Ridonkulously large, so it can be overwhelming trying to figure out where to go first. That’s why I made this great (not great) and trustworthy (not trustworthy) guide to take you round the city.
Outskirts
At the outskirts of the city you can find many prime locations like Generic Park #6743 and Generic Building #655783. You can spell your name with some giant letters? Uhhh, you can jump rope? There’s so much fun to be had here. Yep, seconds hours of fun.
Crazy Cap
This might look like your regular Crazy Cap store, but this is actually the original Crazy Cap! Converted from an old theater, C. Rasy Cap purchased this building in hopes of starting a clothing franchise. First he tried Strange Shirts, but it failed. Then he tried Peculiar Pants, which was popular for a few months, but soon faded to obscurity. So he tried Crazy Cap, which also sold souvenirs, other clothes, energy sources, health, among other things, and the rest is history.
Construction Site
Nobody is allowed here so you won’t be able to visit it.
City Hall
This impressive building becomes less impressive when you find out it's hollow, but it remains slightly impressive nonetheless. Someone left a scooter up here so you can drive off the roof, or if you don’t feel like death, you can just kick a football off the roof.
Café and Pool
If you want some more familiar activities, there is a Café and Pool, filled with people as is the norm for cities.
Rooftops
For some reason, the rooftops of New Donk have many different activities on them, even though the average human can’t get up there. There’s a park, athletics course, and other sub-areas.
The Park Nobody Can Get To
Despite the name, The Park Nobody Can Get To has quite a few people on it. I don’t know how to get to it, but that’s probably a good thing, because knowing me, I’d just get stranded.
Upcoming Events
Now is the best time to visit New Donk, due to the multitude of events happening in the near future. The annual City Festival is coming up, which includes a dramatized recreation of Pauline’s Kidnapping with a random volunteer, and a concert performed by Pauline and the Power Moons. Also, lots of neon lights.
The NES Theater is celebrating its 40th anniversary by showing the most popular films throughout its long history. These include: The Swordsman in Green, Samus Aran, Mushroom Kingdom Hospital, Subcon Panic, Across the Mushroom World, and the highly praised 1-1.
Catalogue
New Donk City has a fine selection of shops, but as expected, one shines above the rest, being the original Crazy Cap store. With a wide and varied selection, you could find everything you’d ever need in this store. However, there’s a catch. The prices are RIDONKULOUSLY HIGH. To buy a single chocolate bar you’ll need 50 coins. So here’s a list of what’s on sale.
| Builder’s Outfit | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Using this, you can sneak into any construction site, go wreck some buildings with an oversized hammer, or make blocks appear from thin air. | |
| PRICE: | 500 Coins* | |
| Golfing Outfit | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Great outfit if you’re American. I’m Australian though. (Clubs, Golf Balls, and Caddy sold separately) | |
| PRICE: | 2500 Coins* | |
| New Donk City Hall Model | ||
|---|---|---|
|
A model of New Donk City Hall (and a Pirate Goomba is a Pirate Goomba!). It’s also hollow, but it lights up. Just be careful with it, because any damages will lower the property value. | |
| PRICE: | 5000 Coins* | |
| Power Moon | ||
|---|---|---|
|
It’s more effort to buy this than to find one. They’re just lying around everywhere. | |
| PRICE: | 100 Coins | |
| Solid Gold Pauline Statue | ||
|---|---|---|
|
It’s mandatory to own one of these if you live in New Donk City. I keep seeing creeps taking it around wherever they go. | |
| PRICE: | Too Much* | |
*Not converted from New Donk City currency
Reviews
Unfortunately I wasn’t able to find any reviews of New Donk City, so I just asked people on the streets.
- "It's depressin', I tell ya. No one will stop to help a lonely soul. They're just all buried in their own lives, too busy too help anyone else... *Sobs Quietly* What's this world comin' to?! 0/10" - Bench Guy
- "BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY BUYBUY BUY BUYBUYBUYBUYBUYBUYBUYBUY BUY/10" -A terrifying Crazy Cap employee
- "It's great to drive people insane with my jump rope 10/10" -Jump Rope Gal
- "Don't ask me. I'm a fork. ?/10" -A Fork on a wall
Conclusion
Well, I finally made it back. Waluigi Time said thanks for using his suggestion. I have no clue what he's talking about. As I write this, I'm scraping up against the deadline. I should stop procrastinating as much... Anyway, if you have a suggestion for The Sunshine Travel Guide, come contact me on the Forums. Okay, I better go before someone realises I'm just making up facts...
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Ahoy there, mateys! Welcome ta the first Sport Report edition o' 2024! I be that boulder chuckin' buccaneer, ClawgripFan9001! The 'oliday season finally be o'er, which means it be time ta get back into the regular work rhythm, both in real life an' 'ere at 'Shroom HQ! It once again be stinkin' cold due ta wintertime 'round the Northern 'Emisphere o' the world, so that's why I be settin' sail fer the warmer areas o' the Mushroom World fer t'day's sports news!
T'day, the sports news appears ta be comin' from World 2 from New Super Mario Bros. Wii, as I found a huge amount o' people there. After a wee bit o' investigatin', I quickly discovered that Roy Koopa was organizin' a foot race 'ere in World 2. Yar, I dunno why ye would organize a foot race in a desert o' all places in the Mushroom World, but I digress. Like with the foot race I covered back in Twilight Town in October 2022, there be quite a few familiar faces ready ta run 'emselves ta victory. Il Piantissimo an' Koopa the Quick be at the event t'day, an' it appears that Wario be at the event t'day as well. Yar, I know that Wario be unusually athletic in spite o' 'is obesity, but I still can't 'elp but wonder 'ow 'e plans ta win this foot race with those stubby legs o' 'is. Yar, but I s'pose ye shouldn't judge a book by its cover, as Wario may be able ta surprise us all t'day.
B'fore the event started, I was able ta get a hold o' the brains behind the event, Roy Koopa 'imself. Roy Koopa explained that e'er since the peace treaty 'tween the Mushroom Kingdom an' the Koopa Troop was signed back in 2017, 'e's been tryin' ta organize a sports event in World 2, an' 'e's finally managed ta get a chance ta do so t'day. When I asked Roy why 'e decided ta 'old a foot race out 'ere outta all sports 'e possibly coulda chosen, 'e told me that ye don't just need arm muscle ta be a proper athlete, ye need leg muscle as well. 'E also added that 'oldin' a foot race in a desert be a good way ta put the runners' skills ta the ultimate test, which I can understand where Roy be comin' from. Anyway, I thank Roy fer takin' time outta 'is busy schedule fer an interview, an' we both go our separate ways in the event.
The route that the runners 'ave ta take goes from the start o' the World 2 map, o'er ta the World 2 Fortress, 'cross the sea o' quicksand, ta the World 2 Castle, an' then back again. The runner that manages ta cross the finish line after runnin' five laps through the desert will be declared the winner an' receive a gold medal 'longside a 5000 Coin prize. Yar, now that ye know everythin' there be ta know 'bout the event, let's 'ead o'er ta the startin' line an' get this show on the road!
So we find ourselves at the startin' line, with Wario, Koopa the Quick an' Il Piantissimo at the front o' the crowd. Roy Koopa be tellin' the runners ta get on their marks, get set, an' then 'e be firin' the startin' shot with 'is pistol, after which the runners go sprintin' forward! Yar, I do admire the runners fer bein' willin' ta run through the sandy paths o' this desert while the burnin' sun be shinin' down on 'em! Wario be at the front o' the pack, with Koopa the Quick an' Il Piantissimo trailin' behind 'im! As per usual, the rest o' the runners be runnin' at their own pace, with 'em not bein' in muchuva hurry fer first place!
Our runners soon make their way o'er ta the World 2 Fortress, which be the halfway point o' the race! The audience continues ta cheer our runners on as they start makin' their way 'cross the quicksand ta get ta the World 2 Castle! But what's this?! A bunch o' runners fall down the 'oles that suddenly be formin' in the quicksand! Accordin' ta Roy Koopa, runners 'ave protested 'gainst these 'oles bein' part o' the race, but the audience finds 'em ta be great track 'azards, so Roy Koopa allowed 'em ta be part o' the race regardless! Looks like the runners that fell down those 'oles are gonna 'ave ta collect a bunch o' Toad Balloons while avoidin' Spike Tops if they wanna get back up ta surface level, though this maneuver's gonna be costin' 'em precious race time!
The remainder o' the runners that didn't fall down the 'oles successfully make it ta the World 2 Castle an' then turn back ta run back the way they came! Wario still be in the lead with Koopa the Quick an' Il Piantissimo bein' 'ot on 'is tail! Yar, it really do be surprisin' that Wario be capable o' runnin' so fast with those stubby legs 'e's got! Goes ta show ye really can't judge a book by its cover!
In the meantime, the runners that fell down the 'oles 'ave finally made it back up ta surface level, allowin' 'em ta continue runnin' the race an' make up fer lost time! Back at the finish line, 'owever, the rest o' the runners be crossin' the finish line ta start the second lap o' the race! Just like I did with me coverage o' the foot race in Twilight Town back in 2022, I decided ta take a quick break from watchin' the race ta go interview a few more people involved with the event.
I managed ta get a hold o' Roy Koopa's girlfriend, Christina Koopa along with a wee Koopa laddie named Rock who be bearin' an eerie similarity ta Roy. I asked Christina who Rock be, an' Christina told me Rock be 'er nephew, though I ain't 'zactly buyin' that. Yar, but I digress. Both Christina an' Rock were able ta spare some time outta their busy schedules fer an interview, an' Christina told me that Roy 'ad placed 'er an' Rock in charge o' snack duty fer t'day's sportin' event, as both Christina an' Rock be very 'andy in the kitchen, so they set up a food truck 'ere at the event, where they be servin' up 'ot snacks like drumsticks an' other meaty nibbles, as well as cold salads fer those that be preferrin' a more vegetarian diet. As fer drinks, ye can get Shroom Shakes, Super Shroom Shakes an' Ultra Shroom Shakes, which all be very refreshin' ta drink. Aye, Roy Koopa should be payin' me fer advertisin' 'is girlfriend's food truck.
Anyway, I was also able ta get a few words outta Rock, an' 'e told me that 'e be very grateful ta 'ave been given the opportunity ta cook fer the guests at t'day's sportin' event, as 'e's always 'ad an interest in cookin' since 'e wore diapers. The wee laddie also added that 'e aspires ta be an executive chef when 'e grows up, an' that 'e views workin' a food truck like this as a big learnin' experience in workin' t'wards that goal. Yar, I do be wishin' Rock luck in 'is culinary aspirations, an' maybe we'll see 'im appear on The 'Shroom's Cookin' Guide section one day.
So I thanked Christina an' Rock fer takin' the time ta be interviewed, an' they similarly thanked me fer bein' 'ere ta cover the event t'day. After that, I went back ta the event, where the runners were currently on their final lap, with Wario once again still bein' in the lead, an' fer some reason, our yellow flab monster don't even be breakin' a sweat while 'e be runnin'. Koopa the Quick an' Il Piantissimo, on the other 'and, be sweatin' like Li'l Oinks.
We soon find ourselves o'er at the finish line o' the event, an' Wario easily claims first place, with Koopa the Quick once again placin' second an' Il Piantissimo once again placin' third! At the awards ceremony, Wario receives a gold medal 'longside the 5000 Coin prize, Koopa the Quick receives a silver medal 'longside a 2500 Coin prize, an' Il Piantissimo receives a bronze medal 'longside a 1000 Coin prize. Yar, congratulations ta everyone who placed on the podium, an' o' course everyone who participated but fell short o' the winners' podium!
After the event concluded, I tried ta get a hold o' Koopa the Quick an' Il Piantissimo fer 'nother interview, but unfortunately, they 'ad ta be medically evacuated, 'cause they passed out from a heat stroke shortly after the awards ceremony concluded. Aye, I do 'ope that those men be able ta make a quick recovery, 'cause a heat stroke definitely don't be fun. But that be 'bout all the time I got fer t'day's sports news, mateys. I be seein' ye next month from Dome City in Dinosaur Land, an' I 'ope ye be ready fer some football, 'cause that be the sport we be coverin' next month. See ye next time, mateys!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament that's supposed to be over but just won't go away! I'm your host, Waluigi Time. Yes, we're doing this again, mostly because no, I haven't been able to sell it off yet. And you know what, I think the problem is that this whole thing is too old-fashioned. Two fighters get in the ring and throw everything they have at each other, it's already been done, for years as a matter of fact! So I've decided to make this tournament more appealing to potential buyers by taking it into the future! Prepare yourselves for the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown Hologram Jam!
Using the power of holograms, I've taken data on fighters who were nominated in the past but never got in and fed it into this computer, and now we get to see them face off in stunning virtuality! There's probably no legal ramifications for this. I hope. We'll be running several matches with this as a tech demo of sorts, and let me remind you that the hologram technology will be included in the sale! Price just went up, though.
|
"This is cool. Now I don't have to chase down unruly fighters." |
|
"And no massive injuries to tend to after the match!" |
|
"Or pulling overtime on mechanical repairs..." |
|
"Or mopping up a building full of goop." |
|
|
"Yep. Wait a minute, why are we even here then?" |
Because otherwise it would just be me alone in a room talking to myself, and I'd probably get bored. Anyway, enough chit-chat, we've got holograms to show off! Keeping with the technology theme for a bit longer, our first match is a robot rumble - R.O.B. vs. MEGA MAN!
Now here's some interesting contestants! He may not look like it, but R.O.B.'s a seasoned fighter, and even a kart racer too! That last bit won't be relevant at all today, unless I turned on kart mode. Hmm... eh, nah. Anyway, he can throw things, shoot lasers, spin his arms around, and even fly! And if your robot can't shoot lasers and fly, I mean... what's the point, really?
And of course, Mega Man! He can throw things, shoot lasers, spin his arms around (technically), and jump really high with springs! Personally, I think R.O.B. is cooler because he can fly. But who knows what will happen in the actual match!
|
|
"I'm so glad that this match is virtual." |
That's the spirit. Let me just push the button and we'll get going!
R.O.B. starts things up strong, beginning with his rotor spin attack on an approach toward Mega Man! The cyborg counters by tossing a gear at him, which gets caught in R.O.B.'s whirling arms and ricochets back at him! Yowch! That would really hurt if he was real and could feel pain.
|
|
"He's not a cyborg, actually." |
What do you mean he's not? He has a human face.
|
|
"Nope, just a robot." |
Huh, the more you know... Anyway, R.O.B. continues approaching, but Mega Man gets the jump on him, literally! He summons Rush and springs into the air above R.O.B. - only for the robot to counter by hurling a gyro upwards for direct contact, knocking him to the ground! It's not looking too great for Mega Man, but don't count him out yet! He gets some damage on R.O.B. by firing several shots from his Mega Buster in direct succession! Pew pew pew! R.O.B. responds by flying out of the way and beginning to charge up his own laser, prompting Mega Man to fire a Crash Bomber attack! There goes the rocket!
|
|
"Ten coins says it hits him." |
|
|
"Oh, you're on." |
|
|
"C'mon, c'mon..." |
Aaaand it misses! R.O.B. swerves out of the way and lands back on the ground, delivering a laser blast direct to Mega Man! That's it for this match folks, Mega Man's out and R.O.B. is our first winner!
|
|
"Man." |
Our next match has no cohesive theming of contestants whatsoever! It's EGYPTIAN KOOPA vs. FOREMAN SPIKE!
Nope, not Tutankoopa! This is the Egyptian Koopa, a totally original and distinct Koopa. Not. I think this guy might be a little bit of a copycat. But hey, he's got something Tutankoopa doesn't have, and that's the ability to shrink his opponent! Or it can backfire and make them bigger instead, which you never really want to happen because it usually makes it easier for them to defeat you.
.png)
Facing off against this reptilian pharaoh is, of course, none other than Mario and Luigi's old boss, Foreman Spike! He's got a hammer and loves to destroy stuff, and really, what more do you need in a fighter? The answer is lasers, but we'll overlook that. Apparently, he even likes destroying the efficiency of his own company because he harasses his employees on the worksite and slows them down.
|
|
"Ah yes, who could imagine running their business with such inefficiency?" |
I couldn't agree more!
|
|
"..." |
Okay, let's go! Button pushed!
Foreman Spike does the only thing he knows how to do, which is walk towards Egyptian Koopa with a hammer! Before he can get there though, the pharaoh's obelisks charge up and unleash magical spheres at Spike! He's not quick enough to dodge them and he's now a teeny tiny little Spike instead! Talk about a micromanager. Egyptian Koopa tries to squash the miniature foreman with one of his canes, but thankfully for Spike's chances of victory and the length of this match, he's able to dodge crushing defeat! Spike's destructive tendencies get the better of him and he begins to demolish one of the obelisks with his hammer, not only returning him to normal size, but actually enlarging him! The obelisks charge up again, but before anything else can happen, Spike gives Egyptian Koopa a good thwack with his hammer, and at that size it spells the end of the match! Victory for Foreman Spike!
Avert your eyes if you're sensitive, because things are about to get spooky! It's time for LUIGI vs. BOOHEMOTH!
Luigi, Luigi! The man needs no introduction, unless you're part of the surprisingly large amount of people who don't really know who he is. You'd think a guy who hired a PR company to give him an entire year would have better publicity. That's actually kind of self-centered, isn't it? I mean, you don't see me declaring 2024 the Year of Waluigi Time. 2025, on the other hand... Well, we'll just see how it goes! Anyway! He jumps high, he knows a lot of the same moves as his more popular brother, and to give him a fighting chance, I've even toggled the Poltergust on. I'm such a nice guy to holograms.
What a freak of nature, right? Wait, ghosts are supernatural... Does that make it a freak of supernature? Is supernature even a word? Chuck?
|
|
"Uh, I dunno, man..." |
We'll just roll with it then. Freak of supernature! It's a Boo, and it's really really big. It doesn't even have to put in effort, it just engulfs you and you die. Kind of a terrifying way to go, actually. Don't wander into ghost houses, kids.
I've appropriately tuned Luigi's fear levels, so he's shaking in his boots at the sight of the gargantuan Boohemoth looming over him! But he gets some courage and readies the Poltergust to face his foe, pulling the Boohemoth towards him even faster! If I were Boohemoth, I'd be trying to get away from that vacuum as fast as I can! Except... Wait a minute! It's too big to fit into the Poltergust! Kind of weird actually, do ghosts take up physical space? And if not, then how much ghost space is in there? Anyway, Luigi disappears within a mass of... ghostliness, and Boohemoth gets an easy victory.
|
|
"That sucked." |
Yep, it's what the Poltergust is built for!
One more match to finish things out, folks! Here comes GOOPER BLOOPER vs. MOLE MINER MAX!
You've gotta be squidding me! The massive Gooper Blooper should make anyone afraid to go out on the sea. Luckily for all you would-be seafarers out there, this guy seems more content with causing pollution than bringing ships asunder. A win for the sailors, not so much for the environment. Anyway, he spews goop, and smacks foes around with his tentacles! If they get to be too much trouble though, you can just pull 'em off. That's kind of gross if you ask me, but at least they grow back eventually.
Here's a fighter who needs no additional training! See what I did there?
|
|
"Good one..." |
|
|
"Was it truly?" |
Oh come on, you guys wouldn't know a good joke if it bit you on the leg. We've got Mole Miner Max, we've got his minecart train! Pickaxes and locomotive-based destruction! What a fun time. And I didn't even have to spend any money on building a complex rail system in the ring. The joys of holograms! See? You should buy this. It's really cool.
Mole Miner Max is having the time of his hologram life riding in circles around Gooper Blooper! He's not getting a whole lot done, but the Mole Miners popping out of the carts are ready to, and start hurling pickaxes at Gooper Blooper! Gooper Blooper takes some damage and responds with much more decisive tentacle slaps, getting those miners out of the way but not slowing down the train as it speeds off, only to come right around again pretty quickly. The track may be a hologram, but it's not exactly a big hologram, you know? And, unfortunately for Gooper Blooper, he left some of his tentacles resting on the track, which get run over and severed! Ew...
The train continues its run around the track as more Mole Miners appear! True to his name, Gooper Blooper spews goop all over the place, meaning no hologram people are going to want to eat those hologram bananas anymore. The miners duck into the banana piles to avoid the mess of pollution, and pop back out to return to their pickaxe-throwing routine.
|
|
"Go moles!" |
Enraged, Gooper Blooper takes another swing at the train to knock it off the rail, but it's no use as yet more tentacles are obliterated instead! Finally, with very little defensive options left, Mole Miner Max leaps off the train and approaches the giant Blooper directly, pulling on his weird little mouth thing! It stretches as far as it can go before slapping Gooper Blooper in the face, marking a victory for Mole Miner Max!
Well, that was exciting and really really made you want to take this off my hands, didn't it? I'm ready to take your offers! Anyway, that's all from me. Say bye to the people at home, guys.
|
|
"Bye to the people at home, guys." |
|
|
"Farewell, viewers of violence." |
|
|
"See ya." |
|
|
"Bye." |
Sigh...
| The 'Shroom: Issue 202 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Directorial Address |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
