The 'Shroom:Issue 213/Critic Corner
Director's Notes
It's here, the end of the year! How was it? 2024? Ready to do it again?
Congratulations to and thank you for voting A Paper Mario: The Origami King Review and Half-Baked Reviews as November's Critic Corner Section(s) of the Month!! Be sure to give your love to all of our sections here, and give a shout out to our writers whether in chat or in their forum threads dedicated to their sections. Be sure to vote vote vote!
And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!
As always, if you would like to help Critic Corner, we always have openings for more writers! You are free to write for sections such as Character Review and Movie Review, or really anything you'd like to do! There's no pressure to have a huge section; they can be shorter and concise! The application process is very simple, starting with reading the Sign Up page, and sending your application to Meta Knight on the forum. Any idea you have is welcome, and if you have any questions or need help signing up, please feel free to reach out to myself or other 'Shroom peeps!
Section of the Month
| CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 12 | 40.00% | Hypnotoad (talk) |
| 1st | A Final Paper Mario: The Origami King Review | 12 | 40.00% | Paper Plumm (talk) |
| 2nd | Graphic Novel Review | 5 | 16.67% | FunkyK38 (talk) |
'Shroom FM
Oh, we're so back. Welcome back again. I wasn't here in November, in case you were wondering. What can I say? "Sorry seems to be the hardest word" - Blue.
It's the end of 2024 and every music publication has already released their year-end lists, but we don't give in to peer pressure here at 'Shroom FM. I have been powering through albums released this year and not paying much attention to when in the year they were released, so here are some albums I think were released in the general mid-November to December period. And as with last year I'll throw in some Christmas songs. Why? Because I like you. I don't know you, but I like you. Not too much though. You can't come into my house but you can stand outside and grin.
3776 - The Birth and Death of the Universe Through Mount Fuji
3776 are a Japanese pop group (previously an idol group?) based close to - and largely themed around - Mt. Fuji. Their history is a little hard to navigate but the group is led by vocalist Chiyono Ide and writer/producer Akira Ishida. Their musical style is very dense and their albums quite high concept - such as 2019's Saijiki which counts 365 days over 12 tracks, one for each month. The Birth and Death of the Universe Through Mount Fuji offers exactly what it promises; besides the "Introduction" tracks that bookend the album, each track descends a layer, themed around the birth of the universe, then the atom, then oxygen, etc. - until it reaches the birth of Mt. Fuji at the album's midpoint; after which it reverses as everything dies. It's gonna happen, get over it. These concepts are presented via narration from Ide on each of the tracks, with plenty of scientific information on how everything came to be, and how each of these things are expected to eventually die. Within each track, these are tied in with the much lower-scale personal dramas and lives of different high-school students. As complicated as this all sounds to take in, Ide and Ishida manage to present this in a way that not only doesn't feel intrusive on the music but actively adds to it; the songwriting here and the way these themes are intertwined into very catchy and intricately craft pop songs are absolutely genius. It's 76 minutes long and there are a couple of points where it can get overwhelming, but it's an excellent project and I'd highly recommend checking it out.
Blood Incantation - Absolute Elsewhere ⭐
Okay this one definitely wasn't released in the period I specified above, this is from early October I think, but man this is so good. I only end up listening to a couple of metal albums a year, so whenever I talk about one in this section I sometimes feel a bit underqualified. However, I felt I had to talk about this album because it is absolutely brilliant. The band's guitarist describes this as a "musical trip" and "like the soundtrack to a Herzog-style sci-fi epic" which might sound overblown but he's not wrong at all. It really does not waste a single second, blistering and massive when it's loud, and contemplative and atmospheric in its quieter moments, and progresses between the two in a very satisfying, dynamic way.
The Cure - Songs of a Lost World
As a massive fan of The Cure, naturally I had no clue they hadn't released an album in 16 years. The Cure are in fact my third favourite band, behind Prefab Sprout and Talking Heads, two bands which have not released new music in 11 and 36 years, respectively, so I don't really pay that much attention. I will start off by saying the thing everyone else is saying which is that Robert Smith's sounds amazing. You can tell his voice has matured but outside of that there's hardly any change from how he sounded 45 years ago - this is even more apparent if you check any live footage of the band. Style-wise it does feel like it's taken heavy inspiration from Disintegration - not hard to see why as it's almost certainly their biggest critical success. This is immediately obvious from the opener, "Alone", which very much evokes the opener of that album, "Plainsong" (as featured in Marvel's Ant-Man for some reason). I do think "Alone" is a good track though it's never blown me away as much as it seems to have done for everyone else - the atmosphere is huge, sure, but there are points where it feels a bit stagnant. There's a lot of stuff here I enjoyed more though - "A Fragile Thing" is sublime, especially those subtle pianos in the background; "Drone:Nodrone" is a fair bit heavier than the other tracks here but it really pays off, very cool guitarwork; and "I Never Can Say Goodbye" is really emotive and beautifully written, addressing the death of Smith's brother. A couple of tracks towards the end didn't quite click with me as much - "All I Ever Am" is sandwiched between the emotional climax and long, epic finale "Endsong" - which itself lost me at a couple of points. It probably won't end up ranking as one of my favourite Cure albums but as their first new studio album in nearly two decades, I don't think it disappoints at all.
Fennesz - Mosaic
Mosaic is a decent enough 40ish minutes of electronic ambience, though it rarely offers much more than that, and definitely not the best I've heard from Fennesz. "Loved and the Framed Insects" was the only track that really sunk in for me, though the first half is generally pretty good. Unfortunately it does get a bit tedious towards the end, particularly the closer "Goniorizon" which feels twice as long as it needs to be.
Kendrick Lamar - GNX
YES BOYS!!!!!!! HERE WE GO!!!!!!!! WADING INTO THE DISCOURSE AT LAST!!!!!!! Honestly I'm not sure what there is left to say here. As a longtime Drake hater I have never been happier. GNX feels like it's moved past the beef - there's still references to Drake here and there, but in comparison to the bluntness of "Not Like Us" etc, it's a lot more subtle. None of Kendrick's three diss tracks are here; not even "Not Like Us" which has been an absolutely massive cultural moment, and wouldn't even feel that out of place. I think it's a good thing on balance though, to put a bit of distance between the feud and solidify GNX as a step forward. One thing that clearly has carried over from this whole thing is Kendrick's attitude, though, very energetic and boastful. Is it good though? Yeah. It is. I don't think it particularly matches up to Good Kid, M.A.A.D City or To Pimp a Butterfly (Mr. Morale too); it's nowhere near as intense as those albums, nor as deep. But the production is tight, the beats are slick and fun, and Kendrick is insanely sharp as always. So many great moments in the beats here, lot of synths surprisingly, feels very classic. Hold on, Jack Antonoff? Okay then, sure, why not. I sure hope Taylor's next album sounds like this. "Squabble Up" is definitely my favourite track here, huge energy right from the start, every line hits perfectly, the Debbie Deb samples are superb. Have to mention "TV Off" too, just love how the beat switches from the snappy string instrumental to those huge, bombastic horns. Not sure if I even like DJ Mustard that much but I love hearing his name get yelled. And "Luther" is really lush with one of two superb features from SZA, sampling is great here too. So yeah, it's a very good album, maybe it's not a 'masterpiece' but why does it need to be? Can't we just have some fun once in a while?
Further listening
- Low - Christmas (EP)
This EP is largely known for "Just Like Christmas" which does seem to be rising in popularity with every year that goes by and is surely by now a genuine indie Christmas staple. Not hard to see why, it's definitely the best song here, even though it's very different from their usual style - slightly bittersweet but a lot of warmth. But the whole EP is well worth listening to - "Long Way Around the Sea" is wonderfully melancholic and has some gorgeous harmonies; there's a few covers, including a slow-yet-noisy cover of "Little Drummer Boy", and particularly "Blue Christmas" which Mimi Parker just absolutely owns. - Cristina - "Things Fall Apart"
I'd actually discovered this one earlier in the year but didn't even realise it was a Christmas song until recently. A very chaotic and anxious new wave banger with fantastic synths and guitars, really enhanced by Cristina's very deadpan vocal delivery. Definitely falls in the realm of being an anti-Christmas song without feeling like it's trying too hard. - CFCF - "December 25, 1999"
A progressive breakbeat track that's lush, bright and energetic with plenty of nice, typical CFCF-esque Y2K aesthetics. Achieves a lot of cool stuff in seven-and-a-half minutes, and the 'y2k bug mix' which follows is great too!
A Critical Review of Why Brothership Failed Critically
Written by: Paper Plumm (talk)
Hello Yello, and welcome back to the Paper Plumm review series, a series where stuff gets reviewed by yours truly, Paper Plumm. I was originally intending to do a regular review of Brothership, however, I think there is a much more interesting story to cover. On the surface, Brothership seems to have done everything right. It features its classic battle system, an original cast and story and diverse worlds, yet it has received a level of divisive reception on the levels of Origami King. This review is going to look at all of this and delve into why Brothership got the reception it did.
Perhaps the biggest surprise was how poorly received the battle system has been. Many have called its developments slow and its new gimmicks uninteresting. This is surprising because Brothership inherently uses the exact same model as previous games, or does it? Superstar Saga, while it has jump and hammer controls, also features its elemental attacks, and Dream Team, while also exclusively Jumps and Hammers, features dream battles with a flashier Dream Luigi. The other three entries all feature at least one other character besides the Brothers, all of whom substantially alter the gameplay, which helped to prevent fatigue with the same gameplay loop. Brothership, meanwhile, features nothing to freshen up its gameplay, sans for its Battle Plugs. Battle Plugs, while a good feature, are not nearly strong enough a gimmick to carry the game. This is not helped by the fact Battle Plugs are added a good few hours into the experience, which gives players time to let the battle system begin to feel dull before adding it. Brothership on its own does not have a bad combat model when you really think about it. It's the fact it's the sixth in a line of incredibly similar gameplay, and it's the one that does the least new.
Story is perhaps Brothership's most interesting critique. Everything Mario RPG for a good long while has either not been original (i.e. The recent remakes) or not well received. Obviously, I and many others don't find this true, however this is a popular sentiment. This idea is massively anchored by a desire for original character designs and a less goofy story, both of which are criteria Brothership checks off. So, what makes its story less desirable? Looking from this angle gains no fruit, as I do believe this has a great story. So, I think we need to ask ourselves a different story, what makes a great M&L story? First, a strong beginning, this is probably one of the ones Brothership fails hardest at. The story takes a while to pick up, and looking at previous patterns, no one wants to stay with a story, especially an RPG, that does not get people hooked immediately. When looking at previous entries, they almost all have an opening act hook. The two games with less positively reviewed stories, Dream Team and Paper Jam, do not, as does Brothership. Next, a prominent antagonist, a good M&L villain needs this to be remembered. And oh boy, does Brothership fail here, there is virtually no antagonist for the entirety of the first part, in the second and third the goofy antagonist trio takes force while the main villain just lingers ominously in the background, it takes until the fourth before a real threat emerges. Thirdly, strong humour, in direct contrast to Paper Mario which has been loathed for too much humour, M&L's humour is lauded consistently for its heavy humour. This story ultimately makes a decision to limit its humour which may have influenced its negativity. So, while overall I think the story is worth its salt, its slow pacing and different style definitely hinders its critical reception.
Next up are worlds. I'm not sure how this became a rule, but it appears a good Mario RPG has to have interconnected worlds, which is really weird when that is the sort of style mainline Mario is known for. Brothership decides to take a risk and continues its separated areas, however it receives the all too common critique that every non-interconnected RPG falters in, it fails in large part to keep these areas distinct. However, when looking through what this game's areas are, they are most certainly distinct. Everyone from night clubs to sprawling metropolises are featured here. The amount of variety on display is impressive so, why does it falter and fail to be distinct in the public eye? When looking at Partners in Time which was positively received in spite of a similar philosophy towards worlds, it succeeds for a very different kind of reason. It plays off of typical level norms, rather than your normal forest area as an example, Toadwood Forest is instead a graveyard where Toads have their lives sapped by the very trees of the wood with an ominous factory looming in the background. A very drastic difference from Brothership's forest area which is a simple rainforest. Thus, in a similar tale to the first two, Acquire takes a different approach to level design. Rather than focusing on the more stylised archetype defying spectacles that M&L was previously known for, it rather focuses on more memorable level design instead.
When it comes to the game's side quests, one of the big criticisms I've seen has been a distaste towards the decision to make timed ones. As a Xenoblade 1 fan where 130 side quests are timed and could literally end at any time, I'm automatically hardwired to do sidequests as soon as I get them. Honestly, that's the best time to do side quests anyways, what, you're gonna wait till the end of the game so you can beat sidequests 10 levels below you? Kinda takes all the fun out of doing so. The side quests overall are OK; however, a large part of them feel hopelessly generic. The timed ones, which typically feature the main cast, are among the ones that don't fall into it. I think that's really its issue, Brothership really needed to cut down its side quest amount and instead focus on making a stronger smaller amount. This definitely feels like a weaker aspect and one that definitely is more understandable with its issues. The game also has significantly less collectibles than previous entries as well, with Spark Plugs being the only really major one.
While some of the issues present are issues that are justified and have a lot behind them, it seems the real main issue behind Brothership's fallacy in critical reception isn't anything inherently wrong with the game, rather it comes from nostalgic dissonance instead. I think people underestimate how strong nostalgia is when it comes to Mario RPGs. Unlike most other franchises out there, you don't really get many new players for Mario. Take something like Zelda as an example, Zelda as it stands now is almost carried by the opposite. Zelda had a very small fanbase of nostalgic dissonance, however, Breath of the Wild drastically opened up the window for new Zelda fans, and rather than younger kids joining the fray like a new Mario game might, this instead brought in a much older generation of gamers to the Zelda fray. This is why a much more critical outlook towards the past is seen, rather than with Mario where the past is revered. However, when looking right before this point, there was a much stronger cry for return to form and thus a nostalgic past, this wasn't their Zelda anymore as it were. So thus, the critical generation of Mario RPGs isn't a new audience; it's virtually all people who have grown up playing these games. With this, a large part of this game's conflict comes simply from it not being the same. It's just different enough from the past that irks people. However, this is only because critics are never new to Mario and we don't exactly see unbiased reviews from kids writing about their first experiences with Brothership, unless you're me the young kid with Brothership, the first M&L game played, writing this review, I suppose. However, I guarantee that in a decade or so a new critical generation will express their adoration for the new game and a more critical taste for the old. Or not, considering the only writing kids these days want to do is TikTok captions, and the only games desired to be played are Fortnite and Among Us. But I digress, cynicism will only carry you so far.
When one really thinks about it, Brothership really is a true tragedy, one where its final tragic outcome was doomed from the start. Even if Brothership was a massive success, it won't change the fact that it will probably be another ten years before the next try for M&L comes along. For those unaware, Sony is in talks to buy the Kadokawa Corporation, which, in true megacorporation fashion, has an insane amount of stuff that will now be owned by Sony, including giving Sony a monopoly on most anime and manga properties. The merger will also kill two Nintendo series birds with one merger stone, Sony will also gain Spike Chunsoft putting an end to any future collabs with Nintendo with their Mystery Dungeon franchise, and Acquire, the new devs of Mario and Luigi. Considering their best contender for continuing this series has been lost, well, I really doubt Nintendo will try again unless they are absolutely sure they have a safe and stable dev team to make it. The other factor of tragedy is that Acquire was trying to fill the shoes of a team that had firmly cemented itself as the people behind Mario and Luigi. With a name so ubiquitous, it can be almost impossible to perfect the Mario and Luigi series the same way again. While this may be a tragedy, it does not mean this is the end. If people are to fix their own biases, I can guarantee this game's reception can be saved. All you have to do is give it a chance.
Well, I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday festivities, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, don't party all the way Up on the Housetop, for when Here Comes Santa Claus with the clinking of his Silver Bells led by Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer you don't want him to be screaming, "Oh Christmas Tree!" from the craziness of your Holly Jolly Christmas festivities… I'll see myself out, but not before I say what is my sign out catchphrase for a reason no one will get. That phrase as always is drive safely.
The Peanuts Sessions
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Well, here we are, 'Shroom readers, it's time for the one that started it all, A Charlie Brown Christmas! We're going all the way back to 1965 for this one, because it was the only time that a Peanuts television special got its soundtrack released about the same time that it came out. It's been re-issued many times over the years, but I'll be using the 2006 release for this review. The closest version I can find on the Vince Guaraldi YouTube channel is the 2012 release, which is pretty close but replaces all of the alternate takes here with "Great Pumpkin Waltz" and "Thanksgiving Theme" as bonus tracks instead. In 2022, an 80-track Super Deluxe Edition came out featuring new stereo mixes and bucketloads of alternate takes, but I'm just going to keep things simple here. It's there if you want it, though.
The original 1965 release only contained the first 11 tracks. "Greensleeves" was added as a bonus track in 1988 (even though "What Child Is This" was already on the album, which isn't confusing at all!), and the alternate takes were new for the 2006 release.
| # | Title | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | O Tannenbaum | 5:11 |
| 2 | What Child Is This | 2:23 |
| 3 | My Little Drum | 3:13 |
| 4 | Linus And Lucy | 3:08 |
| 5 | Christmas Time Is Here (Instrumental) | 6:08 |
| 6 | Christmas Time Is Here (Vocal Version) | 2:47 |
| 7 | Skating | 2:41 |
| 8 | Hark, The Herald Angels Sing | 1:54 |
| 9 | Christmas Is Coming | 3:26 |
| 10 | Für Elise | 1:04 |
| 11 | The Christmas Song | 3:18 |
| 12 | Greensleeves | 5:28 |
| 13 | Christmas Is Coming (Alternate Take 1) | 4:34 |
| 14 | The Christmas Song (Alternate Take 3) | 3:53 |
| 15 | Greensleeves (Alternate Take) | 5:03 |
| 16 | Christmas Time Is Here (Alternate Take) | 1:26 |
This album is the musical equivalent of sitting next to a fireplace late at night and watching snow falling outside the window. That's the best way I can say it. Very festive Christmas vibes all around, and dare I say this album manages to top Great Pumpkin in that regard as far as consistency and variety goes. Of the Guaraldi originals, "Skating" and "Christmas Is Coming" shine through as my personal favorites, plus the arrangement of "Linus And Lucy" that will never be topped for me. There's probably versions of it that are more impressive from a compositional or technical perspective, but on the other hand, nostalgia is powerful so I don't really care. "O Tannenbaum" is my favorite of the classic Christmas tunes on the album, with an honorable mention to "Greensleeves".
But as a soundtrack... this album is weird! First of all, it has several tracks on it that weren't used. "What Child Is This", "My Little Drum", "The Christmas Song", and the bonus track "Greensleeves" don't appear in the special, and were apparently never meant to be used for it at all. So why were they ever recorded in the first place? Uh... I don't know! I'm certainly not complaining, mind you. Second, tracks that were in the special are absent from the album, but for this one there's actually an explanation. Before it was re-aired in 1966, it got special editioned George Lucas style, which included filling some musical gaps with Guaraldi's work from the unaired 1963 documentary A Boy Named Charlie Brown and the 1966 special Charlie Brown's All Stars!. I wasn't initially planning on discussing it in this section, but I've decided I'll also be covering A Boy Named Charlie Brown in this issue, since it's relevant here. The only track that didn't originate from there, "Air Music", a.k.a. "Surfin' Snoopy", is available on the Peanuts Holiday Hits compilation album (and will presumably get a proper remaster if a soundtrack for All Stars is ever released). That leaves Schroeder's renditions of "Jingle Bells" as the only true absence here - they've since been released on the 2022 deluxe version of this album.
For the casual listener without much attachment to A Charlie Brown Christmas, there's a couple tracks that might fall flat. The rendition of "Für Elise" here is pretty short compared to everything else and solo piano, so it's lacking in the "punch" of the rest of the album. Similarly, "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing" is purely organ and cast vocals, so I really don't think this is going to do anything for someone without attachment to the special. Also, depends very heavily on your personal opinion of children singing. (My take on it? Tolerable for nostalgia purposes.) I struggle to do this because it's so iconic, but I'm also going to put the vocal version of "Christmas Time Is Here" as a maybe on this list, because, again, children singing. I think it holds up on its own much better than "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing", to be fair. But it's also been covered by so many artists at this point that you can probably find a version you like better pretty easily if you're not partial to this one.
Not to be confused with the 1969 film of the same name, A Boy Named Charlie Brown was an attempt at a documentary special featuring animated segments with the characters. They were unable to sell it so it never aired, but it was instrumental in bringing together the creative team that would go on to make A Charlie Brown Christmas and further Peanuts television specials. Somehow, even though the project was never released, the soundtrack came out anyway in 1964! I've been throwing a lot of links around but here's the official YouTube playlist. Last one this month, I promise!
The track listing here is from the most recent release. "Fly Me To The Moon" and the alternate take of "Baseball Theme" were added in 1989 and 2014, respectively.
| # | Title | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oh, Good Grief | 2:24 |
| 2 | Pebble Beach | 2:51 |
| 3 | Happiness Is | 3:43 |
| 4 | Schroeder | 1:54 |
| 5 | Charlie Brown Theme | 4:25 |
| 6 | Linus And Lucy | 3:07 |
| 7 | Blue Charlie Brown | 7:29 |
| 8 | Baseball Theme | 3:17 |
| 9 | Frieda (With The Naturally Curly Hair) | 4:37 |
| 10 | Fly Me To The Moon | 9:00 |
| 11 | Baseball Theme (Alternate Take) | 1:58 |
For completion of A Charlie Brown Christmas, "Happiness Is", "Charlie Brown Theme", and "Frieda (With The Naturally Curly Hair)" are the relevant tracks here. I've read several sources that claim the version of "Linus And Lucy" on this album was recycled as well, but as far as I can tell that's not actually true. The differences are pretty subtle compared to other arrangements, but they're there, and I don't think it just comes down to how they were mixed. I suppose it's possible that this was the case at some point with how many re-releases of both albums there are out there.
This one is a very solid album, establishing many of the themes that would become commonplace in later Peanuts soundtracks (and some that just kind of exist sometimes). There's the typical mix of fun, upbeat tracks, and slower, more melancholy ones. As a bonus, an arrangement of the classic "Fly Me To The Moon" (yes, that one) is included, although it was never used in any Peanuts specials, plus an alternate take of "Baseball Theme". Guaraldi's sound here is very similar to that on A Charlie Brown Christmas, even ignoring the reused tracks. "Oh, Good Grief" and "Blue Charlie Brown" wouldn't feel at all out of place there, for example. No intentional Christmas vibes, obviously, but it's very easy to make that association anyway. I already gave the favorite track award to "Pebble Beach" for the arrangement on Short Summer, but I'm going to do it here again anyway because I just like it that much. It's just a really fun and bouncy track that makes me feel happy in ways I can't fully articulate despite deciding to write a music review section.
I won't go too deep into the casual/completionist perspectives here because I haven't seen this documentary and neither have you. The only track that gives me pause is "Schroeder", a slower tune that's the only track on the album to be entirely solo piano. I assume this was probably meant to be diegetic music played by Schroeder in the documentary, much like "Für Elise" on Christmas. Otherwise, should be an overall enjoyable experience for just about anyone as long as they don't hate jazz.
That wraps up this double feature. Tune in next month for another review, and until then, I wish you all a very happy holiday season!
Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)
Art by: LittleGreenWyvy
Winter - Part 1
As I’ve settled into topics I regularly review, I’ve also been doing regular themed sections based on particular seasons and months. These topics are typically a result of a vast field of similar items that I don’t ever see getting a genuine critical review, and are conveniently things I’ve grown to like in one way or another that makes it easy to delve into. Here we are in December, now, probably one of the saddest limited time and themed food months because it’s intrinsically tied to Christmas, solstice, and winter in ways that greatly precede it with the limited time foods showing up between September and early November, all but vanishing from the shelves during the Thanksgiving grocery rush and then being absolutely nowhere to be seen when winter ACTUALLY begins on December 21st. This has left me floundering and alternating large banks of reviewable things I’ve accumulated with maybe one month to really dump it in, which causes me to either break theme or delay some things for another year or two. No more! Rather than having just one month for hot cocoa, or one for eggnog, one for whatever seasonal grab it may be, this December (and probably January) I will be doing a couple of a handful of this year-end theme as I feel that makes more sense in the end.
NoDa Cheerwine Holiday Ale
This is a brand collab between two Carolina companies that have good local support, if but one being much more iconic and personality-rendering than the other. Brand collaborations have become popular in the last few years, often in bastardizing ways that turn capitalism implosions into a clown show of absurdity directing awake watchers to see a bottleneck of integrity and creativity approaching while those cast into dreamland open their wallets, but I don’t believe that this falls into that. Two separate companies here utilizing regional power to support each other in a way that displays local strength and pride in a more wholesome and utilitarian way than one would a professional sports team.
New to us in Q4 2024, NoDa Cheerwine Holiday Ale is a wheat ale with cherry and pineapple. The wheat ale and cherry parts are obvious, with the pineapple I can only assume being a connection to their recommended punch recipe including a significant amount of pineapple juice as per holiday customs. The sweetness can be easily smelled when cracking open the can, but it dissipates instantly as it’s neutralized by the wheat ale smell. Tastes absolutely nothing like Cheerwine, cherries, or pineapples, and instead just another wheat ale. There’s a little hint of cherry medicine flavor to it, but more of the backend and more medicinal side of it with none of it appearing sweetly on your tongue while you’re drinking it. Pineapple nowhere to be found, though I assume it’s more for rendering a balance and seasonal connection, and only specified because it can be divisive and triggering for allergies. Intensely disappointing, which is the last thing you ever want to be feeling when you’re drinking an ale as that’s likely a feeling you’re trying to wash away, and with it being just a standard 5.2% ABV for a 12oz can you’ll have to drink several just to get enough alcohol in you to take your mind away. This would probably be more successful as a scented soy candle as the only bit of Cheerwine I get from this is the smell, and otherwise just cut a Jack & Coke with Cheerwine instead if you really need to booze up a candy soda.
The ounce of credit I will give this is I finished the can; it did not taste off-putting or bad, the wheat flavor was crisp and palatable, easier on people like me who just aren’t ale fans to begin with. I’m not a beer connoisseur so I won’t be able to ruffle my mustache to tell you everything about it, but I could taste the malt and hops that tilted it slightly bitter which sent the feel further away from Cheerwine. It didn’t taste too alcoholic, so it feels fine as a gimmick that more people will give a shot for fun. The people I see in one-off reviews online who say this tastes exactly like Cheerwine, though, are lying to themselves and everyone else, and I don’t believe have a North Carolinian aura around them; posers, frauds, deceivers. If this were just a regular ‘hint of cherry’ ale I wouldn’t be mad at it, but it’s a Cheerwine collaboration so I was expecting a Cheerwine level of cherry flavor in it, and this was just so weak and pathetic. Against convention, this needed to be sweeter, and this kind of taste might’ve been better suited in a cider as there’s quite a few in the Carolinas that have quite a reach, or even a cheap Seagram’s-like to put more emphasis on a hard soda visual with less balance to lean into the novelty. Otherwise, this just preys on Carolinians’ brand loyalty to buy it up and pretend it’s good when it’s really just mediocre, which they certainly do.
Reese’s Sugar Cookie Peanut Butter Cups
I applaud Hershey’s for introducing a new seasonal flavor that’s not just flavored white crème or a different alleged ‘shape’. Though those still exist and remain quite popular, I made a concerted effort to buy these to put my vote of financial backing into supporting going back to actual chocolate candies with actual effort put in. The Reese’s Sugar Cookie Peanut Butter Cups use milk chocolate and their classic peanut butter, but have ‘sugar cookie bites’ inside, and come in a couple size varieties that are available at common retailers like Target, Walmart, and Walgreens.
Miniatures
The first thing I noticed was that when I opened the bag of miniatures out poured a horribly fake scent that I can only guess is meant to be the sugar cookie. It’s an odd mix of imitation vanilla, wax, and styrofoam that tells me more research and development went into creating the sense of a sugar cookie than perhaps actually just using a good sugar cookie. Though it’s natural for smells to build up under concealment and then naturally dissipate over time, but it put me on edge as how a food smells is a very good indicator of how it will taste. What I get when eating it, though, is not really much that clues me in on this being ‘sugar cookie’. There’s a bit of an extra cooked butter taste that’s hidden under the peanut butter, and that strange smell finds its way into my nose to muddy everything up, but I really don’t actually taste much that says ‘sugar cookie’ to me, and I suppose it was a losing battle as sugar cookies aren’t exactly known for their incredible depth of flavor and rather their warmth, texture, and sense of tradition. I understand that adding softer cookie pieces wouldn’t be texturally interesting or viable, but I don’t really ever imagine freshly baked holiday gathering sugar cookies to be crispy and crunchy, against what a press release claims. It’s the freshly baked softness that would make me think of Christmas morning, rich butter flavor from the overuse of Pam cooking spray and some caramelization of the sugar because you baked them a little too long. If crunchy was the goal, surely shortbread would’ve worked, and would’ve added a wonderful buttery flavor that would go well with the peanut butter, and with it being objectively a Christmas-themed seasonal flavor shortbread wouldn’t have to do much convincing. Perhaps that would veer more visually higher-end and gourmet rather than the impulse sweet they want to be, but, I don’t know, I feel like we’re in an era where high-end sweets sell like crazy.
Big Cups
Same taste and weird smell, but now with a Bigger problem. I’ve come to expect with Reese’s Big Cups that the increased bulk is primarily in just extra peanut butter, but I think the Sugar Cookie Big Cups cheapened out a little more than other Big Cups. Perhaps it’s due to how this added ingredient takes the form of small cookie bits, but their Pretzel Big Cups found a good balance and satisfying distribution, so I know it’s possible. In fact, the picture on the package makes it look like these are Reese’s Puff-sized cookie bites when in actuality they’re tiny little pellets; I’ll give some credit in that they’ve scaled up the cookie pieces between the Miniatures and Big Cups from being effectively a crumb up to a bisected pea, but the point remains that these just don’t impose upon the world in a worthwhile way. It’s hard to see them in there as they’re the same dull-orange brown as the peanut butter, but I made sure to yoink a few out to take pictures and see that once again the Reese’s package is lying. What this made for is less cookie pieces per bite, less crunchiness, and really not much going for it. Maybe these would be better with a cookie layer, akin to their Caramel and Chocolate Lava, and through that both a crunchy and chewy cookie could work. I’ll just have to get my fix by Frankensteining a Reese’s Cup and a Pillsbury Shape Sugar Cookie, which, if this idea comes to commercial fruition I humbly request some form of compensation.
Overall, I would not say these are bad; they’re serviceable and once you get used to the weird fakeness they just taste kinda fine. My issue is that they’re just a worse version of several things they already offer, so it has no reason for me to ever get it as the festive nature of them only persists in the package and foil wrapper, and the regular miniatures put on that show when the time comes, too. I’d much rather have just regular Reese’s, and then also sugar cookies, and I’m glad to see that Robert Dyer enthusiastically states the same opinions I’m giving, as it provides me a much more warm holiday feeling than these Reese’s did.
Good Karma Pumpkin Spice Nog
Plant-based, allergen friendly (no nuts, soy, or dairy), and allegedly creamy, Good Karma makes sure not to state anywhere on its bottle that the primary ingredient is flaxmilk, likely because it’s made with cold pressed flax oil which doesn’t have too good of a reputation in alt-milk circles in deference to soy and oat and basically everything else, and isn’t even a decent alternative option for the proposed health benefits. Right off the bat, I don’t trust nogs that are pumpkin spice flavored, as the spices that make up pumpkin spices are basically already supposed to be in it: nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves. This Good Karma Pumpkin Spice Nog includes those three, as well as cardamom and anise star, which are less common eggnog spices but still are. The only thing making this ‘pumpkin’ here seems to be the beta carotene and caramel colors, which look wildly disgusting as this pours out looking like orange juice.
I’ve tried Good Karma’s Holiday Nog before, with the bulk of my opinion being starkly negative in the same way I’d describe their Pumpkin Spice Nog:Along with the flavors being an uncanny blend of absolutely nothing, sickeningly stale flax oil, and a ramp up in medicinal aftertaste thanks to the anise star, the texture was just awfully gut-wrenching. I’m not someone to dismiss added gums and emulsifiers if they provide an adequate function, but Good Karma has shown me twice now that they can’t comprehend balance, as their Pumpkin Spice Nog also now feels like I’m sipping on non-Newtonian slime that, when combined with the strange chemical bitter sweetness that dissipates to nothing in an instant, is just too horrible to continue drinking. How this brand continues to be featured in holiday displays year after year is mind-boggling, and I beg other brands to please PLEASE make some new seasonal offerings to shove this abomination off of shelves. Please, everyone, never buy Good Karma products ever again, find another alternative, just drink water, go without, die, anything other than giving them money to continue operating.“Yeah it’s thicker and gummier than regular milk, but it stays safely within the realm of the viscosity of other alternative milk brands, if just a touch thinner with a mysterious sticky aftertaste. Whatever flavor exists within is overwhelmed by the flaxseed, giving it some kinda medicinal, almost menthol-herbal feel to it. Absolute fraud to be calling this a nog, and I feel conned with my money and time wasted.”
365 Whole Foods Market Organic Eggnog
Because I’m a hyperfocused lunatic, while I was on vacation in Charlotte I had–HAD–to make trips out to check out grocery stores in different areas of the city, and of course this led me to the very wealthy and meticulously curated neighborhood of SouthPark where, naturally, I wandered into a very posh Whole Foods with hopes that they have enough staffing and hours to fill holiday displays. Not seeing anything different than what I’ve already tried, complete with me checking my own listing to remember which ones I’ve reviewed before, I realized that I haven’t tried their own 365 Whole Foods Market version, and I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen it in stock before. Snatched this up as what came to be my only trophy returning back from this trip out, to enjoy it how God intended by drinking it from a paper coffee cup I snagged from the hotel breakfast area.
I couldn’t actually find any information about this, as even their own website does not have it listed and instead merely confirms it exists but to come back later for more info. A non-organic version is listed, but I haven’t seen this one, so I can only assume that this specific organic version is new to this year. An actual real eggnog made with cage-free eggs and real cow milk; still has emulsifiers and thickeners–gellan gum and guar gum–but they remain organic. Typical fake yellow, but at least it's with organic turmeric and annatto extract. Satisfyingly thick, to the point that it was piling up in thick gloops as I was pouring it; still smooth and creamy as it goes down, but definitely thick. The ingredients only list ‘organic milk’ and then also ‘organic nonfat milk’ with no indication of what milkfat percentage for either one, but I can safely assume that this leans towards eggnog traditionally using heavy cream in addition to milk. Warm flavors are there, but mild and appropriate, likely due to it just being nutmeg and not an overwhelming amount of cinnamon like many others do. Right consistency in all aspects that make me want to keep drinking it, and if that’s not what it’s supposed to do, then what is it? Fantastic showing for a store brand, and an absolutely stellar representation that a high quality virtue food doesn’t have to jump through a dozen flaming hoops to just do a good job.
Sealtest Traditional Holiday Egg Nog
Sealtest appears to be one of those odd regional store brands that’s just an old-timey name that’s still being used despite the company no longer existing and having their intellectual rights absorbed into a larger company, and that seems to be mostly true. Processed by MILKCO, Inc., in Asheville, North Carolina, but licensed from Good Humor-Breyers through Unilever, with this brand being available throughout the North Carolina area in stores like Lowes Foods and Ingles. The Sealtest brand and subsequent eggnog is also available in [Ontario, Canada, but the ingredients do appear very different
It smells very eggy and spiced, exactly like I’d expect from a generic store brand-adjacent that uses actual egg yolks and cream without some kind of non-dairy razzle dazzle. It actually smells like there’s alcohol in it, but there assuredly is none, and I’m afraid to classify this as a ‘chemical’ smell and flavor due to the crunchy connotations it can have when comparing to how the Whole Foods Organic Eggnog definitely did not have these aspects, but it is what it is. Very smooth, but leans closer to chocolate milk levels of thickness despite there being an incredible variety of thickeners and emulsifiers in here–42% cream, Grade A whey powder and concentrate, food starch, guar gum, carrageenan, and sodium citrate (and let’s not miss the 2nd billing for high fructose corn syrup). I do appreciate that nutmeg is the only added flavor, keeping this more in line with traditional eggnog taste. Overall there’s just not much to say about this here, it’s a large company’s regional arm for a folksy-looking limited time eggnog available relatively cheap at basic grocery stores, and that’s about what you get; old-timey intentions with modern treatments to extend its shelf-life and consistency. If you have memories and connections to the local brand name from your youth or whatever, perhaps this would appeal more to you, but otherwise there’s nothing special about it besides it being one of the more affordable options when you see it at $2.49 for a quart next to Homestead’s $6.49 for a quart. What this does, though, is highlight the value of quality between these varying brands, that the higher price point does factor in a higher percentage of genuine ingredients at the risk of lower shelf-lifes, and that is left for you to consider when making your purchase.
JoJo’s ShakeBAR
Back when I tried JoJo’s crazy milkshakes I noticed that their entire menu was filled with all kinds of fun party-ready creations ranging from their cocktails, burgers, milk and cookies flights, and–what we're here for this month–ridiculous hot chocolates. If you've ever walked into a bakery or coffee shop, you'll know that you'd be lucky if they even offered a cup of restaurant supply store bulk Swiss Miss packs for $4 a cup, fancy pants if you're able to choose your milk and get whipped cream, and hittin’ the Ritz if they have a seasonal Mexican-like with cinnamon and chili powder. Either way, nothing ever compares to the options coffee is available in, the elite perception coffee receives, the treatment you receive that at least attempts to register with more satisfaction than concession stand gruel, so seeing JoJo’s have several options of hot chocolate that mirrored their crazy shakes had me coming back waving money at them.
Out of the handful of options they had, I opted to try the Double Hot Chocolate. For $10, the same price as their regular milkshakes, this included “A Double Chocolate Hot Chocolate Topped With Toasted Marshmallow Fluff, Chocolate Covered Marshmallow, & Chocolate Covered S'more”. The implication of ‘double chocolate’ in this kind of context is typically that both milk and dark chocolate were used, for reasons I can only assume are for creating a more complex flavor and pleasing both teams; though for the visuals the s’more and covered marshmallow have dark and white chocolate. What I appreciate here is that the cup has a design printed on it of an overflowing mess of toasted marshmallow and chocolate, rather than it actually being the case, highlighting the dual importance of these being a photogenic disaster while still needing to actually be consumed in a format that’s conducive for customer and staff alike.
The quality is good, everything tastes fresh, the graham crackers aren’t even stale, exactly what I've come to expect from JoJo’s. The toasted marshmallow is insanely good, and melts into the hot chocolate so well that it supplements the chocolate as a major flavor deserving of a place in the title. I have a couple major gripes, though, that are large enough to outweigh the good. First one was salvageable: a paper straw was included, which I was able to discard and replace with the traditional plastic straw I received with my sweet tea. The problem with the paper straw is that the structural integrity of it was weak, becoming soft and soggy rather quickly, bending and crumpling which approached compromising its ability to be a straw, which is always the issue with paper straws but hastened in hot liquid. Primarily, though, the paper straw was barely able to puncture the incredibly thick layer of toasted marshmallow. Secondly, and most fatally for this hot chocolate, is that it was a marshmallow overload; every additional support given to make it a specialty hot chocolate was some form of marshmallow–toasted marshmallow, chocolate-dipped marshmallow, and s’more. They all tasted really good, which makes this more tragic; high quality, fresh-tasting, each unique in their application, but ultimately all still just marshmallow which multiplied their sweetness and particular flavor together to take over the hot chocolate as things melted into it. The flavor of the hot chocolate waned as it swiftly took on the hyper-sweetness, and achieved a sickening level that made me unable to finish it. I understand there’s not too many options when keeping with a hot chocolate theme, but I argue that there’s more than THAT, and that creativity can extend beyond perceived bounds. Even just replacing, say, the chocolate-dipped marshmallow with a harder more biscuity chocolate chip cookie would add a dunkable element that countered the samey sweetness going on. Maybe even just include the s’more in a more deconstructed form by having the toasted marshmallow, hardened chocolate fudge or just chocolate bars, and separate graham cracker pieces to individually dunk in and maybe swirl around and use as a scoop. Their salted caramel hot chocolate is also just mostly marshmallow, but that also has a toffee donut hole and a pretzel, so why not a chocolate glazed chocolate cake donut or a chocolate dipped pretzel with M&M minis for a pop of color? I could generate more ideas but at this point, with how I do this constantly every month, I feel like I could be hired on as a product consultant.
I think that next time I visit JoJo’s I'll just nod at their hot chocolate menu with respect, but pick out the mint milkshake that I know will satisfy at a level that not only makes the price point feel worth it, but something I can stand consuming in the first place.
Nestlé Aero Hot Choc
Nestlé’s Aero chocolate bars are wildly successful in the UK, and have spawned an astonishing amount of varieties and flavors, entering the office foodservice space in 2005 with their Aero Hot Chocolate. The only information I can find about this on official sites is a product recall from 2022 which at least shows me a variety of packages that this comes in, including a to go cup that has more information here. Otherwise, I purchased this for $10 (288 grams / ~10 oz) at World Market, a specialty import store that focuses on furniture but has largely expanded their food offerings from a few shelves in the back to easily half of the store, and has become a reliable source of international foods that actually aren’t expired if you’re willing to pay double the price.
This is advertised as being Aero-flavored, which is just Nestlé chocolate, with a ‘light-as-air smoothness’ that I am now expecting from this. The package takes care to say ‘Choc’ several times on the container which has me concerned as, through experience, I know that carefully but studiously avoiding saying a key term almost certainly indicates trickery is afoot and what I’m about to consume is a mere mimic of what it poses to be. I initially bought this because the concept of an Aero bar being made into a hot liquid just seemed incredibly absurd because, if you weren’t already keenly aware, the main gimmick of an Aero bar is the lighter textural quality rendered by a process filling the chocolate bar with plentiful air pockets; how is this experience meant to translate over? Luckily for me the container spells it out in their instructions, to place four teaspoons of cocoa mix into a mug and pour 200ml of hot water in, mixing it up to release bubbles. Looking through the ingredients, I don’t see anything immediately obvious as what would trigger a bubble effect, such as popping candy or particularly fatty milk as this is reduced fat at every chance they could get, but what it does have is a combination of thickeners and acidity regulators. Thickeners E466 and E415 (cellulose gum and xanthan gum, respectively) alongside Acidity Regulator E340 (potassium phosphate) are typical frothing agents used in things like non-dairy milks and creamers to yield a similar foaming effect you’d get with hot milk. The addition of these extra thickeners to create the bubbling effect also make the cocoa feel incredibly smooth, almost feeling like the whole thing is tiny foam bubbles concealing molten liquid that rushes through. This effect dissipates soon after you ooh and ahh at it and get a couple pictures, leaving you with a hot chocolate that has no other surprises left. Only technically a chocolate flavor to it, kinda weak taste, and just feels really thin; despite there being powdered milk already in this I would very much recommend using whole milk rather than the instructed water for this if you want there to be any body or richness at all. Surely there are other instant hot chocolate options available in the UK, so don’t be lured by a familiar candy name entering a field it just really shouldn’t be part of.
A neat little bit of food science magic to yield a 15-second trick for an otherwise pretty sub-standard and dull cup of cocoa.
And with this review actually posting on December 21st, I can only say that some of the hot chocolates will still be relatively-easily available as we instantly pivot to a short-lived New Year kick and straight into Valentine’s and Super Bowl for a whole six weeks, immediately into Easter, immediately into July 4th, and then I guess back into pumpkin spice season. Where does the time go??
| The 'Shroom: Issue 213 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • End-of-the-Year Awards • Director Election • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
