The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Cosmo In Rogueport
Cosmo In Rogueport
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Cosmo In Rogueport
This story is dedicated to Hobbes. Sleep well, Hobbesy.
Fired was one of Cosmo's least favourite words. He never thought he could be fired from The Sunshine Travel Agency. After all, he was one of the best writers. Also he was their only writer. It was a bitterly cold night, gusts of wind tearing the super leaves off the trees. As Cosmo trudged out of the 'Shroom HQ, he wondered what he was going to do now.
He could probably scrape together enough money to buy some food, but could he pay the rent for his apartment, let alone buy that house he wanted? He had so many plans, so much he wanted to do, so many dreams, but they all were nothing now. Cosmo continued coming up with angsty, sad lines till he got to his apartment. Fortunately he still had a few days until his rent was due, so he could rest tonight and make a plan tomorrow.
A newspaper hit Cosmo in the face, and he woke up. He peeled the new issue of The 'Shroom off his face, wondering how in the Underwhere the paperboy could throw this high. He's on the top floor of an apartment complex, for Peach's sake. After pondering this question for many hours, Cosmo began reading.
Nothing caught his attention as he flipped through the pages, just the same old regular stuff. Cosmo threw the paper to the side, annoyed. Unsatisfied, Cosmo walked over to it, planning to incinerate it or something, when he noticed a coupon on the floor. He picked it up curiously, squinting at the ridiculously small print. It read:
Gotten yourself wrongly accused? Deep in legal trouble? Ready to sue somebody's pants off? Well, never fear! Us at Larry's Ludicrously Likeable Lawyers are here to send in the finest(ish) lawyers to help you in court. Use this coupon to redeem one free lawyer use. Act Fast!
It didn't take Cosmo long to cook up a scheme. Wielding this lawyer coupon, he could defeat The Sunshine Travel Agency in court, make a truckload of money, get his job back, and buy a donut...That last part was just because he was hungry. Cosmo made breakfast, ate it, made another breakfast, and ate that one too. Now with a full belly, Cosmo called up Larry's Ludicrously Likeable Lawyers, who told him to come to their office on 13 Black Cats Crossing.
The building was surprisingly impressive, with gold fences, a flourishing garden, and statues everywhere. Then Cosmo realized he was looking the wrong way. Cosmo turned around, and saw a simple brick building. "Dang," Cosmo thought, "I was hoping for something unique or a crumbling building. This looks like a regular business."
A Lakitu receptionist looked up as Cosmo entered the lobby. Cosmo handed her the coupon, and she directed him down a hallway, telling him to open the left door two down. As Cosmo walked away, he swore he heard a Pianta mumble his name on a walky talkie, but dismissed it. Probably just another person ordering a hit on him.
As Cosmo entered the average room, he thought he saw a Pianta duck through the average window, but dismissed it. Probably another hitman telling their client that they don't kill cats. However, behind the average wall there indeed was a Pianta, part of the notorious Pianta Syndicate, and he was listening in on the whole meeting…
The lawyer was a Goomba. He wore a red tie and had smooth black hair. He was kinda weird. "Hello there, Cosmo," the Goomba said, "My name is Gary. We heard that you needed assistance in court. Well, you've come to the right place. Now, can you explain your predicament to me?' Cosmo sighed. 'Well, I used to work for The Sunshine Travel Agency, but I was recently fired for circumstances outside of my control. It was a violation of pretty much every policy in the employee handbook. I was going to press charges in court alone, but the last time I did that, I got beaten by some half-wit called Wright. So I came for your help."
Cosmo and Gary began working on a prosecution, but unbeknownst to them, the Pianta outside was calling someone on his walkie talkie. "Sunshine Travel Agency, this is Big D speaking. Furball is planning to press charges in court." "Hmm," a muffled voice crackled through the speakers. "Ok, commence operation lights out…"
It was dark by the time Cosmo exited Larry's Ludicrously Likeable Lawyers. A cold wind whipped through Cosmo's fur as he walked through Dark Alley Alley Oh. He could have sworn he heard whispers and a gun loading, but he dismissed it. He thought about his future while walking past a billboard advertising foreshadowing. He could be rich if he won this case. Never having to work a day again in his life! He just better not get pulled into any dark alleyways.
Cosmo got pulled into a dark alleyway. "COME ON!" he yelled, "WHAT KINDA BAD JOKE IS THIS!?" "Quit ya yellin," a voice hissed at him, "Or do we gotta make ya quit?" Cosmo decided it was in his best interests to shut up. "We don't gotta take youse alive," a new voice declared, "So stay behaved." Cosmo was tied up, gagged, and thrown into a potato sack. They didn't even bother taking out the potatoes! Cosmo caught a glimpse of a wicked pair of sunglasses before the sack was tied up.
Cosmo could hear the ocean licking at the shore, and concluded they were at the docks. He was thrown through the air, and landed on a boat, probably. Being tied up in a bag made narrating very inconvenient. He heard the voices of whoever was kidnapping him talking to someone else.
"Awright boss, we got im, what now?" someone asked. "Well, we take im back to da boss. He'll know what to do with im." Cosmo struggled, and managed to tear his ropes and gag off. Turns out these guys were lousy at tying knots. He was about to hurl insults at them, when he realised then they would just tie him up again. If he stayed quiet, then he could sneak out once they arrived at wherever they were going. Grinning at his plan, Cosmo curled up for a nap.
The boat came to a crashing halt, jolting Cosmo awake. "Whoops." he heard someone say apologetically. "Didn't mean to crash into the dock." "You IDIOT!" someone yelled. "Da boss is gonna hear about dis one! Anyways, let's get dis cat off da boat." Cosmo waited, feeling the sack be hoisted in the air, then tossed. The ground hit hard, but Cosmo didn't have time to be dazed. He quickly used his claws to cut a hole in the sack, and made a run for it.
"Da cat! It's getting away! Catch it you nincompoops!" Cosmo looked back. His curiosity beat his common sense, and he wanted to see what his kidnappers looked like. They were Piantas, slightly round, with sleek suits and shades. They looked pretty tough, but also dumb. "We'll get you, cat!" one of them yelled, "You haven't seen the last of the Pianta Syndicate!" Cosmo decided to get the heck out of there.
Cosmo hid in some kind of bar. The bartender said it was Podley's Place, a place where people could share their stories and drown their troubles. Cosmo ordered a milk with catnip. "So," Cosmo inquired, "What is this place?" "Rogueport, of course. A crooked thieves den filled with bandits and crooks." "You make it sound so appealing." "Heh, you have a point."
"Anyway, you're on the run from some Piantas?" Podley continued, "Probably the Pianta Syndicate. They used to be in a turf war with the Robbos, who are now their partners in crime. They probably took a job from someone who was out for you. If you're gonna avoid them, you'll have to know a bit about Rogueport."
Podley took out a map. "Over here is where you came in, the harbor. It's filled with old sailors and the sort. Just past there is the town center, where we are now. There's shops and the sort here. Over on the east, this is the Robbo turf. They're led by Ishnail, who's always out for cash. There's mostly houses over there, but there is a place where you can help people with troubles to earn some coin. Now over here is the west side. Nicest place in town, but it's where the Syndicate is based, and Don Pianta lives there too. I'd avoid it. Finally, under the city are some old ruins, some people hang out there. A hero once went down there, and saved the world."
"Podley, this is really helpful." Cosmo thanked him, and put 50 coins on the table. Then he went up the stairs, and booked a few nights in the inn. He needed to clear his name with the Piantas, and let the people back at The 'Shroom know he was ok. He would do that…tomorrow.
Cosmo woke to the sun streaming through the windows. He got out of bed, thanked the innkeeper, and exited the inn, making his way over to the Lovely Howz of Badges. From there, Cosmo switched out his usual badges (mostly revolving around writing and conveniences for his regular life) for ones more suited for his location. He went down to the Toad Bros. Bazaar and purchased some items, then was going to head over to the west side and confront Frankie. Sure, it was stupid, but he didn't want to be constantly living in fear.
Cosmo passed a Goomba and Bandit on his way to the west side. He couldn't help but listen to their conversation. "Just give me the credit card, and I'll put your winnings on to it for you," the Bandit offered. "Gee, thanks man! Here you go!" The Bandit then ran off. Was everyone in the town that stupid?
"STOP!" shrieked an elderly Toad lady. "I'm looking for my contact lens! I dropped it somewhere around here!" "Uh, okay." Cosmo replied. He noticed a shimmering at his foot. He bent down to pick it up, and realised it was the contact lens. "Hey lady, I found it." "WHAT! Give it here!" She took it, but it slipped out of her hand and she stepped on it. "IDIOT!!!" she screamed. "YOU BROKE MY CONTACT LENS!" "SHUT UP LADY!" Cosmo yelled back. "I'M NOT GONNA TAKE YOUR CRAP!" She immediately shriveled back. She didn't expect that. "Yes sir." she whimpered. Cosmo shot her a death glare as he walked past.
Even the air felt richer on the west side of Rogueport. There was a lot less trash on the ground, the houses were clean, and there was even a little park. With a Goomba in the flowers, for some reason. Cosmo noticed a Pianta in a suit, and walked over to him. "Da new boss told me to look after dis place." the Pianta said. "You do anythin' funny, I'll toss you like DAT!" "I don't have time for this." Cosmo replied. "Take me to your boss. I've got business with him." "Oh, do ya now. Well sure, I'll take you to him." Then he raised his fist and punched Cosmo right in the kisser. Cosmo collapsed as everything went black…
"Hey you, you're finally awake." Cosmo woke up, tied up again, looking into the face of an orange Pianta with the coolest shades ever. "You must be Frankie." Cosmo remarked. "I was looking for you." "So was I," Frankie replied, "You tried to escape our grip, huh? Too bad. Now we can finally get our money. Oi, Tony, call The Sunshine Travel Agency, tell em' we got da cat." Cosmo sat in the main room for a few minutes until he heard yelling from the other room.
Frankie came back in, seething. "Those darn corporate employees wouldn't give us our hard earned money! DARN THAT CONTRACT FINE PRINT! I'LL SHOW THEM! I AM FRANKIE, AND I MAKE CRYING BABIES WEEP!!" "Uh, what does that mean?" Cosmo asked. "Do you mean you're the reason babies cry, or do you make people already crying cry?" "Uh, I don't know…the old boss said that all the time." Cosmo chuckled. "So, The Sunshine Travel Agency scammed you? Saw that coming, but don't worry. I got beef with them too, so I'll help you get revenge." "I think I like this plan…" Frankie replied.
Step one was to gather some help, and some cash. Cosmo headed over to the east side of Rogueport, where he was confronted by a gatekeeper. "Ten coins, or you ain't gettin past!" he yelled. Cosmo punched him in the face, and he ran away crying. Cosmo informed the Robbos of the situation, and they said they would help, for 50 coins.
"Welcome to the Trouble Center." a raspy voice came from behind a slit in the wall. "You need a job for 50 coins? No worries. Here's one." A glove passed Cosmo a note. "Do it, and do it right!" "Just a second," Cosmo said, "I need to put up a trouble too." "Sure, just stick it on that board over there." Cosmo did, and then left.
He unfolded the note, and read:
I need somebody to pass a message along to someone. I made a mistake, and I want to correct it, otherwise I'll regret it for my whole life. Meet me at Podley's Place.
"Whose trouble is this?" Cosmo asked as he entered the building. "Mine, my feline friend." Podley said. "Take a seat, let me tell you a tale…"
"Back in my younger days, I was in love with a woman named Eve. We were lovers of the spotlight, and were both overjoyed when she got a part in a major play. A fortune teller came to our house while she was at rehearsal though. They said that Eve would abandon the stage, because of me. Not wanting this future to come to pass, I left the house, only leaving a note. When I read the news a few weeks later, I found out she had withdrawn from the role, out of heartbreak. My future came true. She left the stage because of me."
"I wanted to go see her again, but I decided I wasn't good enough for her anymore. I had left her, turned the best thing that ever happened to her into the worst. One day a man named Mario passed on a message from her to me, saying she wanted to see me again, but I pretended I didn't know her. Ohh, dear Eve, tell her I want to see her again. She lives in Twilight Town." Cosmo wiped the tears from his eyes and left.
Fortunately there were some pipes in the Rogueport Sewers. Cosmo used one that took him straight to Twilight Town. He knocked on the nearest door. "Hello?" Cosmo said. "Does Eve live here?" "Indeed I do. What is it?" "I bring a message from Podley." And Cosmo told her the tale. "Podley wants to see me again? Let's go now! C'mon kids!" Cosmo led Eve and her kids through the pipes and to Podley's Place.
"Podley!" "Eve?!" "Oh Podley, I have missed you so much." "I have missed you too, dearest Eve. Whose children are these?" "Podley, they're ours!" "HUH?!" "I would have had to give up the stage even if you didn't leave." "I'm so sorry Eve…" "Don't be silly, this cat told me the whole story. I was wondering, would you like to help me take care of our children?" "Of course Eve!" Podley turned to Cosmo, who totally wasn't crying. "Thank you, my friend. Here's your payment, plus a little extra." "Here's some of my own money too," Eve added. Cosmo grinned. On to phase two of the plan.
Cosmo stood in front of The Sunshine Travel Agency HQ. He turned around to look at the army he had gathered. Earlier, Cosmo had put a call to action up on the Trouble Center bulletin board, asking people to join him in a battle for justice. Word spread quickly, and Cosmo now had an army of fighters, shop owners, citizens, and wild animals from Rogueport and the surrounding regions.
From Rogueport, the Pianta Syndicate, the Robbos, Ms Mowz, Goombella, a few Bandits, Zess. T, a whole bunch of orange Toads, Flavio, and some pirates. Petal Meadows had some Goombas, Koopas, Koops, Koopie Koo, and Koopley. 101 Punies, the Jabbies, Madame Flurrie, and the Puni Elder came from the Great Boggly Tree. Jolene and every fighter from the Glitz Pit came, including Prince Mush and the Great Gonzales Junior.
200 Boos, some crows, and a few Twilighters arrived from Twilight Town. Cortez and his ghosts came from Keelhaul Key, along with Admiral Bobbery. Pennington and a family of Bob-ombs came from Poshley Heights. A whole mess of Bob-ombs came from Fahr Outpost, including General White.
There were a few others from random places, like Vivian and her sisters, three travelling Toad siblings, a weird blue guy with a suit and afro, and some X-Nauts.
"Alright everyone, you're probably wondering why you are gathered here today. An evil corporation is scamming people out of their money and jobs. We need to defeat it and bring justice!...Who am I kidding. We're just here to beat people up." The crowd cheered.
"Alright, Punies and Jabbies, form the front lines, Toads, Goombas, Koopas, behind them. Cortez, take your ghosts through the back and rendezvous with the recon Boos. Glitz Pit fighters, you'll be in a strike force with me, going for the boss. X-Nauts, get into security and try to confuse them. Vivian, Marilyn, Beldam, help any squads in trouble. Piantas and Robbos, go from either side. Flavio, Jolene, Pennington, General White, and Ms Mowz, you're gonna be tacticians. Bob-ombs, get into the positions Goldbob directs you into, and explode at my call. Any leftovers join the main group."
Cosmo directed the Bob-ombs to areas with weak defence, and prepared them to explode. "3…2…1...EXPLOSION TIME!!" The blast was powerful enough to blast many of the people around of their feet. "You blokes can't take one wee explosion, can ya?" Admiral Bobbery proclaimed as he landed.
"Everyone…CHARGE!!!" Cosmo yelled. The groups immediately went into combat. The Punies distracted the frontline defenses as the people behind took them out. Cortez wiped through the backup with the ghosts. The X-Nauts provided people with weapons from the armory, and jammed communications. The Piantas and Robbos had small numbers, but were assisted by Vivian and her sisters, catching multiple enemies in a pincer attack.
Cosmo and the brawlers prepared to invade the highest levels of security. Since the other groups were fighting the larger groups of enemies, Cosmo and his crew could strike at the top levels, with the toughest but least security guards.
The group snaked through empty corridors until they reached the elevator. They were able to take it up one level, until it stopped. The doors were ripped open and the group was pulled out. Security guards took hold of them, not expecting an ambush. The Goomba Bros. and KP Koopas burst from up the stairs, engaging the guards. The rest of the group continued up the stairs. The fighters steadily left the group to engage security guards, spears flying, hammers pounding, magic swirling and fists punching.
As Cosmo neared the top, his entourage consisted of Prince Mush, Rawk Hawk, and The Great Gonzales Jr. They kicked down the door to the office. "Hey boss," Cosmo snarked, "we're about to ruin your day." "Pathetic." the boss answered. "Your childish insults mean nothing to me." He pushed a button on his desk. "Goodbye, Cosmo." The boss jumped through the window.
"WHOOO!! That guy was afraid to get RAAWWKED!!" "Yo, man! That guy is a total coward!" "I was looking forward to continuing to test my skills." Cosmo's group cheered. "Huh." Cosmo said. "That was eas-" Before he could finish his sentence, Cosmo got grabbed by a robotic hand.
"SINCE WHEN DID YOU OWN A MECH!?" Cosmo slid out of the grip of The Boss's mech. "Wait…was this standard employee issue? Why didn't I get one?" The Boss ignored him. "What part of 'Fired' did you not understand, Cosmo? Now I must dispose of you, I'm afraid. I'm going to enjoy this." "Oh yeah? Seems you miscalculated. Cause I got friends here, who are looking for someone to beat up. Let's get him, guys!"
Rawk Hawk jumped off the wall, kicking straight the mech. The Great Gonzales Jr. took off and began wailing on the cannons. Prince Mush summoned more of himself, charged up, and began attacking at lightning speeds. The mech flew in circles, trying to shake them off, but The Great Gonzales Jr. was able to catch anyone who fell, with his newly trained Flying Flutter Jump.
The mech's armor slowly began falling off, as Prince Mush pierced through it again and again. The Great Gonzales Jr. took the weapons offline, and Rawk Hawk jumped high in the air. "YOU'RE ABOUT TO FEEL THE RAWK!!!"
The mech's jets exploded, and it began falling fast through the air. It hit the ground with such force that nearby buildings crumbles. The Boss ejected, trying to escape, but Cosmo grabbed him. "Now I'm the boss." Cosmo plucked the nametag reading BOSS off his suit and fixed it to his fur.
"Alright Piantas, here you go." Cosmo shoved The Ex-Boss over to Frankie. "Do whatever you want with him." Frankie laughed. "I think we found a new janitor." "Anyway, now that that's done, I need to work on a new issue of The Sunshine Travel Guide…"
The End
