The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Paper 'Shroom: Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/Glitzville
Paper 'Shroom: Glitzville
Welcome to Glitzville!
After a long flight, the luxury blimp touches down just outside of Glitzville. You exit the blimp as your stomach begins to growl. "Luxury blimp, my ass", you think to yourself! There wasn't even any food on that blimp and you are starving! You look around for a bite to eat. The area seems mostly deserted, which makes sense. It would be weird for a blimp to, you know, land in the middle of a city. As far as surroundings go, you see a road leading into Glitzville and you also see - Oooh, ah ha! A Hot Dog stand called Turb's Hot Diggity Dogs awaits! And, sweet, almost no line!
Downtown Glitzville
You take a look at the stand and realize that it looks like a real grease joint! The food quality doesn't exactly look high! You decide you don't want a gross, artery-clogging hot dog from a cart. Instead, you decide to head into Glitzville, thinking you'll find a better option there. As you head towards the center square of Glitzville, you see a large line of people lined up outside the Glitz Pit, a Juice Bar called the Fresh Juice Shop selling refreshing beverages (but no food, sadly), and, finally… hey! That's Fake News Director Waluigi Time!
Check out the Glitz Pit Go into the Fresh Juice Shop Go speak to Waluigi Time Go back to the Hot Dog stand
Juicy Joint
You think about entering the Fresh Juice Shop, but you realize that… Aw, hamburgers! They're not licensed to do food. They only have juice! You're not thirsty; you're hungry, damn it!
Check out the Glitz Pit instead. Go talk to Waluigi Time. Return to the Hot Dog stand.
Back To The Hot Dog Stand...
You look around for like an hour, trying to find something to eat, but everywhere you see is either fully booked or has what looks like an hour-long line. Finally, you give up and admit defeat. I guess we can eat one of those greasy, heart attack-causing hot dogs just this once!
Hot Dog!
Your stomach is rumbling! You could really go for a nice, cheap, greasy hot dog combo meal right now! You walk up to Turb's Hot Diggity Dogs. Luckily, the line isn't very long and you reach the front of it quickly. Manning the Hot Dog stand is a single Duplighost, who, from the looks of it, has seen better days.
"Welcome to Turb's Hot Diggity Dogs," he says. "I'm Turb. What can I get you?"
You study the menu; it seems pretty standard. You're not exactly sure what a "washed dog" is but you don't think it sounds very appetizing. After a few minutes of looking, you've got it narrowed down to a few options.
Hot Dog Combo Turb's Dash Pepper Dog Turb's Iced SnowDog Order a "Smile"
Turb's Dash Pepper Dog
Intrigued by this "Dash Pepper" dog and liking a little heat with your meal, you decide to order the Dash Pepper Dog.
Turb looks at you and sighs. "Sir, while legally I'm required to sell you this hot dog, I urge you to reconsider. The Dash Peppers we source from the Hightail Falls Galaxy are extremely hot, hotter than any pepper on the Mushroom Planet. Turb's Dash Pepper Dogs are only for the most extreme heat lovers."
Second Thoughts
Reconsidering things, you study the menu again. After a few minutes of looking, you've got it narrowed down to a few options again.
Hot Dog Combo Turb's Dash Pepper Dog Turb's Iced SnowDog Order a "Smile"
Dine And Dash
Honestly, you're a little insulted, not gonna lie. Who is this wiener peddler to tell you what you can and cannot handle?! You snap your fingers at him, telling him to just make the Dash Pepper Dog. Turb then walks off grumbling as he makes the hot dog. After about a ten-minute wait, Turb returns with the Dash Pepper Dog, telling you that'll be 60 coins. You pay the coins and bring the Hot Dog to your mouth, thinking how you cannot wait to shove it in Turb's face how tough you are!
You take a bite and, oh god! Your mouth is on fire! Oh man, you were wrong! You were horribly, horribly wrong. You begin running uncontrollably, completely consumed by the fire in your mouth. Completely out of control, you end up running full speed into the Hot Dog Stand, knocking yourself out. By the time you wake up, the tournament is over and you missed everything! Turns out you probably should have listened to the chef…
Dash Pepper Reconsidered
While you're still interested in the Dash Pepper Dog, you figure that, if the chef himself is urging you not to order it, you should probably listen to him. After all, who knows more about the menu than the chef? You decide to look over the menu again, seeing if there's anything else you'd like…
Turb's Iced SnowDog
As you're staring at the menu, there's just one thing that your eyes keep coming back to. "Turb's Iced Snowdog"? It sounds pretty weird. I mean, is it a dessert? Is it a really cold hot dog? You agonize over whether or not you should order such a frankly-strange sounding dish. But it is pretty warm outside, so maybe a nice cold hot dog would be refreshing? You know what? That's what we're gonna do! Turb, my good man, make up one Turb's Iced Snowdog!
Hearing your order, Turb rolls his eyes, sighing. "Sir, while I am obligated by the Hot Dog Stand bylaws to serve you this hot dog, I think you should order something else. The Iced Snowdog is usually only ordered on days where the sun is very angry, if you know what i mean. The Iced Snowdog is made using the snow from a Snowman Doll. By the time it's finished, the Iced Snowdog is at sub-zero temps. It's very dangerous to eat one on a day with just higher-than-average temperatures, the annoyed Duplighost says.
Snowdog Reconsidered
"Sub-zero temperatures, eh? That sounds pretty cold… You know what? You're right, I better order something else," you say as you look over the menu again.
A Truly Cold Dog
Honestly, you're a little insulted! I mean, who is this Hot Dog man to tell you what you can and can't handle!? If you want a delicious frozen Hot Dog, you deserve a delicious Hot Dog!
"LISTEN, I'M NOT ONE OF YOUR WIENERS! I THINK I CAN HANDLE A COLD HOT DOG," you snap at Turb, who grumbles and walks off. Ten minutes later, Turb returns with the frozen wiener. You pay the 60 coin price and walk off, thinking about how awesome you were for putting that Hot Dog seller in his place! You triumphantly take a bite out of your Snowdog, tasting the sweet, sweet frozen taste of victory… when, suddenly, you find it a little difficult to move! Uh, what's happening?! Before you even know it, your entire body is frozen like a popsicle! Turb appears again with some security guards.
"They never listen to me… It's not like I'm the one who made these recipes or anything… Sigh, no, officer, he'll be fine" the Duplighost says. "It only takes about a week for the ice to melt, and then he'll be cold but fine," he says as the officers take you away!
A week! Oh no! What are you going to do?! What about your deadlines?! What about Waluigi Time in the Glitz Pit?! What if the others leave you behind!? These are all valid questions, but don't worry, I'm sure you'll think of something! After all, ya got a week of nothing but your thoughts!
Smile
"300 Coins for a Smile?!" The exclamation runs through your mind as you stand there staring at the depressed Hot Dog merchant. Still, you start to feel bad for the guy, standing over a hot boiler, grease stains all over his sheet and a defeated expression all over his face. Ya know? "He needs this more than we do", you think to yourself as you plop the 300 coins on the table!
Seeing this, Turb expresses his shock, telling you that nobody has ever done anything this nice for him before. With business being slow, you and Turb start talking. At first you're talking about normal things, you know, like where you grew up, your hopes, your dreams, that kind of thing. Turb tells you how, a long time ago ,he wanted to be a fighter like the legends of the Glitz Pit.
He trained and trained in the Creepy Steeple until one day he finally worked up the nerve to enter. He traveled all the way here and managed to secure a qualifying match. He tells you how he was feeling pretty confident, but how, as soon as the match started and he dropped back to cast a spell on his opponent, he got his feet caught in his own sheet and tumbled out of the ring without his opponent even touching him! It was a complete humiliation. Not wanting to go home, he tells you how he got a job at this Hot Dog Stand so he could at least pretend like he was part of the Glitz Pit. It was only supposed to be temporary; he was gonna make up for his embarrassing defeat one day! But every year, the same thing would happen. The tournament would roll around and he'd get cold feet , thinking about previous humiliation. Years went by, and now he owns the Hot Dog Stand, and, sure, he guesses he's successful, but he still wonders what could have been….
Touched by his story, you tell him that, as a ghost, he more than anybody should know that he can't let fear control his life. You encourage him to enter this year's tournament to try and live his dream! You even tell him you'll run Turb's Hot Diggity Dogs while he's gone! With a tear in his eyes because of your kindness, Turb thanks you but tells you he'll do you one better. He takes out a piece of paper and transfers ownership of Turb's Hot Diggity Dogs over to you as he heads for the Glitz Pit!
It's a surprise for sure, but, you know, you've always liked cooking and secretly you've never liked The 'Shroom. The deadlines, the content policies, and never winning SOTM, what was there for you in it? You get behind the counter to cook up your first Hot Dog and instantly you realize this is what you want to do. The customers line up, all clamoring for Hot Dogs. The work is hot, busy, and greasy, but, you know what? You've never been happier!
Hot Dog Combo
You look at the menu one last time to make your final selection. There are a lot of weird things on there, but, you know what? You really just want a regular Hot Dog! You order the standard Large Hot Dog with a Koopa Cola.
Behind the counter, Turb is making up your hot dog. "So ,are you here to enter the tournament?" he asks you.
You express confusion as to what he means, telling him you're only here to - hopefully - cover the tournament. You didn't know you could enter it!
"Oh yeah, today starts the qualifiers for the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT," he says, putting a frankly stunning amount of energy into saying the tournament name. "Most Glitz Pit events only feature a select group of fighters, but this one is different. This one is an open challenge and fighters come from all across the world to try and compete. I should know; I tried to enter one time, but ,as you can see by my luxurious lifestyle, things didn't quite work out. Anyways, your Hot Dog is done and that'll be 20 coins," he tells you, handing you the Hot Dog.
Not Bought Dog
20 coins for a Hot Dog and a drink?! That's outrageous!
As you consider that ridiculous price, a cunning plan pops into your head. You reach into your pockets. "Okay I think I have exac-YOINK!" you say as you grab the Hot Dog and drink and run off laughing about how you totally got one over on that hot dog-hatted chump!
Unfortunately, you did not get one over on that hot dog-hatted chump. As you try to run off, a security guard tackles you to the ground and arrests you for Grand Theft Wiener. Not only do you have to spend the weekend in jail, but Waluigi Time ends up being the one to bail you out. It's probably time to start looking for another job, because I don't think The 'Shroom hires thieves…
Bought Dog
You think 20 coins is a little high for just a Hot Dog and drink, but you decide it's not worth arguing about. You pay Turb the 20 coins, thanking him for the Hot Dog. You wolf down the Hot Dog which, while only okay at best, was good enough to satisfy your hunger. With that, you head into the Glitz Pit to find Waluigi Time.
Wrestling Time
Excited to finally find Waluigi Time and hoping to get started working on your 'Shroom section, you run up to Waluigi Time, greeting him and explaining that you're here to help him cover the tournament!
"Oh, so you'd like to cover the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT with me, eh? Great idea!" He seems enthusiastic at first, then digs into his pockets. "…oh wait, there's just one problem. They only gave The 'Shroom one press, so you'll have to buy a ticket! I think you can get one at the Glitz Pit entrance!" he says as he gestures vaguely towards the long line.
Check out the Glitz Pit. Go into the Fresh Juice Shop Return to the Hot Dog stand, instead.
It's The Pitz
Wondering about getting inside the Glitz Pit, you get in line. The line is hugeeeeeeeeeee and, strangely, it's full of people wearing costumes. You think this is weird, since you didn't really think this tournament was gonna be a cosplay event, but maybe that's what Glitz Pit fans do. You don't really know because you only ever watched Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown!
Finally, after what feels like hours, you get to the front of the line, where a Toad sits clipboard in hand. "Alright, here's the sign-up form. State your real name and ring name," he says gruffly.
"Wait, what???" "I think there's been some sort of mistake!"
Just Here To Watch
You stammer out that there appears to have been a mistake. You're not here to fight, you're just trying to get tickets! The Toad and all the people in line start laughing at you. Once the Toad finishes laughing, he informs you that the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT has been sold out for months and that the only way you're seeing this tournament live is by being in it!
Reporter TKO
You immediately get out of line. You're not a fighter! You're not even an athlete! It's absolutely nuts to think that you'd join something as dangerous as the GGLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT!
After this mix-up, you track down Waluigi Time and explain the situation to him. He's able to pull a few strings and get your tickets to the tournament. Unfortunately, the tickets you get are nosebleed seats, all the way in the back. To make matters worse, you're sitting behind a pillar!
You try your best to cover the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT, but if I'm being honest you don't do a great job, what with barely being able to see anything and all. When you try to get The 'Shroom to publish it, they reject your application since Waluigi Time's backstage coverage just blows yours out of the water. Your trip to Rogueport ended up a total bust! You didn't even get a single 'Shroom section out of it, and, from the sounds of it, you won't be getting invited on another on-location trip again!
What's This?
"Ring name?" you say as you start asking him what he's talking about!
He explains how this is the line for people registering to fight in the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT.
Hearing this, you almost go into shock! You, a simple 'Shroom writer, joining something as violent as a fighting tournament? That's crazy!
What's Your Name, Kid?
Your first instinct is to get out of this line and find Waluigi Time. I mean, you're not a trained fighter! It's nuts that you would even consider entering the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT. But then you start thinking things through further.
Why just report on the tournament from afar when you could report on the tournament directly inside of it? Think about it, the fighting reporter! Think about how much credibility your coverage will garner if you do this! You know what? Screw it, you say to yourself! You can handle this! You decide to make your own fortune and fight in the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT!
After you finish filling out all the forms (you know legal, personal, and liability, total legal mumbo jumbo), you return the forms to the Toad. He then asks for the ring name you plan on fighting under.
Mr. S The Ding Dong Scrap Iron Shroomdaski Iron Wright Shroom The Great Gonzales Uh... Uh......
Mr. S
A ring name… You ask yourself, do you want something cool or something mysterious? Finally, it hits you and a lightbulb appears before you! Mr. S! You begin to explain how you'll wrestle as the mysterious Mr. S, how you'll wear a mask over your face so nobody can recognize you. You'll keep everyone guessing. They'll ask questions the whole time. Who is this new fighter? Where did he learn these sick moves? What does the S stand for?! (it stands for 'Shroom, by the way).
The employee looks at you funny. "Okay, first of all, nobody knows who you are anyways! You're only being allowed to enter because this is an open tournament. So I don't think your identity needs to be some sort of secret! Also, 'Mr. S'? Please, the generic store called and they want their name back! Here's what we'll do. We're gonna call you The Great Gonzales. Now, get in there Gonzales, because your match is coming up soon!
The Ding Dong
You excitedly tell him that'll you'll fight under the name The Ding Dong. You start telling him all these great ideas you have. You'll cover yourself in bells! Maybe you'll even get a big bell for the corner that you'll ring so the people will know to cheer you when you're kicking ass. You explain in detail about how this will make you the top face and how children will love you. There's even big merch opportunities, you explain.
As you're rambling on about this super great idea, the man stares at you, mouth agape. Finally he shakes his hands and goes "what? No, that's stupid! We're not gonna cover you in bells! How would that even work? Bells would get all over the place. We're calling you the Great Gonzales. Now get out of here and get to your match before I change my mind about letting you compete."
Iron Wright Shroom
You pitched your name thinking yourself oh-so-clever. Not only will this make you sound tough, but you're also stealthily plugging The 'Shroom. With ideas like this, you'll make team director in no time.
The guy at the sign-up stand looks at you, puzzled. "Well, first off, you're not made of iron. You're clearly made of flesh and fungus. Second off, this little Shroom, whatever that is, is a problem. It's not on our list of sponsors, so that's a no go. I'll tell you what, we'll call you the Great Gonzales. It doesn't really mean anything, but it will give you some flair and, well, it looks like you need all the help you can get in that department. Now get in there Gonzales, because your match is coming up soon!"
Scrap Iron Shroomdaski
"A ring name, huh?" You know, you had never really thought about what your name would be if you ever became a fighter. I mean, you never even thought you'd be entering a fighting tournament. After all, you're just a journalist! You were never athletically-inclined. But since you do need to pick a gimmick name… it should be something that really represents how much of a rough and tumble fighter you'll be. How you'll be a real scrappy, never-say-die fighter! Finally, it dawns on you! "Scrap Iron Shroomdaski. After all, who's more rough and tumble than an iron worker? And Shroomdaski? That just sounds like an old school bare-knuckle brawler!
The man at the registration booth just sighs before explaining to you how your name sounds like a cartoon character from the black and white era. He goes on to say how there's no merchandise potential in a name like Scrap Iron Shroomdaski. Thinking it over for a second, he tells you your name will be the Great Gonzales before telling you to hurry into the Glitz Pit because your match will be starting soon!
The Great Gonzales
You think it over for a second, trying to think of a name. It's gotta be something tough-sounding, something marketable, something the people can get behind. Suddenly, it comes to you! "THE GREAT GONZALES," you blurt out. Oh man, you can see it now, thousands of screaming fans all chanting "Gonzales" as you lay a whopping on your opponent!
The man running the sign-ups looks at you and begins nodding. "You know what? That's pretty good! Yeah, the Great Gonzales, I think we can work with that. Very good! Okay Gonzales, with your name picked out and your sign-up complete, go ahead and head on inside because your qualifying match will be up soon!"
Name Unknown
Your mind begins to race! A ring name??? You're not prepared! Oh man, oh man, what do you wanna call yourself??? Names fill your mind! George South, Barry Toadowitz, The Fungicutioner, SD Jones, Roadblock, Duane GIll, The Wooded Kingdom Lumberjack, Randy Hogan, Ron Shaw… All flow through your mind, but, ugh, none of these feel right!
Finally, you start hearing the sounds of snapping and you come out of your daze to see the Toad snapping his fingers at you.
"Hey buddy, we don't have all day," he says. "You know what? I'm just gonna put you down as the Great Gonzales, is that okay?"
You nod sheepishly, embarrassed that a journalist of your caliber couldn't even think of the fighting equivalent of a pen name! The Toad jots the name down before grumpily telling you, "great, now get in there Gonzales, because your match is coming up soon!"
Qualifying Match
As you're being led into the Glitz Pit arena, you realize that, in all the craziness, you never ended up getting anything to eat… Huh, I hope that doesn't come back to bite you or anything!
Upon climbing into the arena, you see your opponent, a simple Spania. Internally you're laughing. You think this fight is going to be a piece of cake. I mean, look at your opponent! Look how weak and goofy he looks! As you're laughing to yourself, the announcer enters the middle of the ring, grabbing a microphone.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS FIGHT IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL AND IS A GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT QUALIFYING MATCH. INTRODUCING FIRST, FROM ROGUEPORT UNDERGROUND, REPRESENTING THE DESTRUCTORS, WITH A GLITZ PIT RECORD OF 3 WINS AND 10 LOSSES, THE MASTER OF SPIN TO WIN… SPANIAAAAAAA!"
"AND HIS OPPONENT FROM NEW WIKISBURG, MAKING HIS GLITZ PIT DEBUT, THE GREAT GONZALESSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
With that, the announcer leaves the ring, which is good! Let's get this fight over and done with! After all, this is gonna be a piece of cake! The bell rings and your opponent starts spinning and, wow, he's, uh, spinning pretty fast, but that shouldn't be a problem, right? Right?
Spike Psych
Okay, nothing to worry about. It's just a spinning guy going pretty fast! We can handle this! That's it! Here's what we're going to do! He spins pretty fast ,right? Well, I bet we're way stronger than he is! So what we're going to do is, when he spins his little ass over here, we're gonna grab his spikes and use his momentum and our superior strength to throw him out of the ring! It's brilliant, foolproof, if you will!
With your brilliant plan thought up, you step up and prepare to execute a classic hook and ladder technique. Sure enough, Spania falls right into your trap, attempting to throw you out of the ring with his little spins. You lock onto his spikes your grip tight, ready to execute your brilliant plan when…
Grumble grumble... Oh man are you hungry. You attempt to throw him off-course and out of the arena, but you're just too weak from hunger! Instead, you end up locked in the spin zone and, before it's over, you've lost your grip and are sent hurling out of the arena. You crash land out of the ring, landing right on your shoulder, which breaks on impact.
So great, now not only did we make a fool out of ourselves in this tournament, but now we can't even write 'Shroom sections! And all because we didn't eat like a hot dog or something!
Try the match again. Let's rewind a bit, maybe grab a bite to eat.
Chaaarge!
Okay, so he's spinning pretty fast, right? But we can probably use that to your advantage. "You've got it," you say, snapping your fingers. So, right now he's spinning in place to gain speed, but, luckily for you, you've seen Super Duel Mode. You know the best way to take out a spinner is by jamming it up before it reaches full speed. You decide to charge this Spania, figuring that a single body blow with your full force, combined with his full force, should send him flying out of the ring!
As you're running, you're checking numbers in your head and, yep, the math checks out! There's just one little problem with your math equation…
Grumble grumble... You didn't factor in the hunger variable. You haven't eaten anything since yesterday and you're starving. Yeah, you manage to hit him with your charge, but you're so weak from hunger that it barely does anything! Next thing you know, you're hit by a full force Spania spin which hurls you out of the arena. Even worse, you land directly on your writing hand, snapping it.
Not only did you make a fool out of yourself thinking you could be a professional fighter, but now you can't even write anymore! Maybe things would have gone different had you eaten before the fight…
Try the match again. Let's rewind a bit, maybe grab a bite to eat.
Panic!
Seeing the blazing speed of your opponent, you freeze in fear. "Oh my, look how fast he's going! What should I do? What should I do? Oh, I was a fool to think I could do this! I'm in over my-"
Before you can finish that last thought, Spania smashes into you at top speed, sending you flying out of the ring and into the stands. You're out of the tournament obviously, but to make matters worse, you're so traumatized by the asskicking you received that you can't even stomach watching the rest of the tournament.
Your big on-the-scene 'Shroom section ends up being a barely-noticed review of the Hot Dog Stand outside of Glitz Pit. Needless to say, the rest of the staff is pretty upset that all you did was end up reviewing a hot dog stand ,and I wouldn't expect to be brought along on any on-the-scene trips again if I were you!
Try the match again. Let's rewind a bit, maybe grab a bite to eat.
Full Course Glitzville
Full from that large Hot Dog combo, you head into Glitzville proper. As you walk through the busy city street, you see a large line outside the Glitz Pit, a Juice Bar called the Fresh Juice Shop selling refreshing beverages (but no food, sadly), and finally you see… Hey! That's Fake News Director Waluigi Time!
Check out the Glitz Pit Go into the Fresh Juice Shop Go speak to Waluigi Time
Jammin' Joint
You see the sign says "Fresh juice made daily" and you realize a nice glass of fresh juice sounds pretty good right now on this hot summer day. You walk into the Fresh Juice Shop and, after a short wait, you get to the front of the counter.
"What'll ya have?" asks the man running the counter, who looks a lot like the man who was tending the bar in Rogueport. You think about saying something but decide against it as you look over the juice menu.
Fresh Juice Tasty Tonic Bomb Berry Juice Mango Juice On second thought, you're good.
Quenched
You know what? On second thought, these juices are pretty pricey and you aren't really thirsty anymore. You decide to leave the Fresh Juice Shop and resume your attempts to cover the Glitz Pit tournament.
Fresh Juice
You decide to order the Fresh Juice, thinking that it's probably best to order the shop's namesake. Quickly, the old man pours you a glass of bubbling fruit juice. You take a drink and, oh man, it is delightful, with the perfect blend of peach and coconut. You can't keep yourself from guzzling the entire glass, taking no time to savor the flavor!
Juice Two!
"What'll ya have?" asks the man running the counter, who looks a lot like the man who was tending the bar in Rogueport. You think about saying something again, but decide against it again as you look over the juice menu.
Fresh Juice Tasty Tonic Bomb Berry Juice Mango Juice On second thought, you're good.
More, Please!
Man, that juice was so good that you decide to purchase another! And what do ya know? That one goes down just as smooth as the first!
Tasty Tonic
You decide to order the Tasty Tonic. It's a little pricey at 40 coins a glass, but, you know, treat yourself! The bartender brings out his fanciest glass and pours the tonic into it. You take a drink and it is heavenly! It's a thick, sweet drink with the flavor of Honey Syrup and fruit from all over Rogueport, a fantastic mixture of lemon, lime, and coconut all enhanced by Honey Syrup! Man, there's even a hint of Bubble Berry! You thought those only grew in Flower Fields.
The Tasty Tonic goes down smooth and easy and was well worth the high asking price for. As far as you're concerned, it was the perfect fruit drink!
Bomb Berry Juice
As you're looking over the, menu one thing catches your eyes. Bomb Berry Juice, it reads.
You read the little description they've written about the juice and notice there's a big disclaimer warning you about an explosive aftertaste… or an explosive kick or something. I don't know. You don't really read the whole thing.
Quite frankly, you're tired of big government trying to tell you what you can and can't drink! So because you're your own man and no stupid government sign is gonna tell you what to drink, you order one! You get your drink and immediately notice the glass is shaking and the drink is fizzing all over the place. Trying to not make a huge mess, you quickly down the drink. It has a weird flavor, a very odd flavor with an almost smoky aftertaste.
You get up to leave, thinking to yourself how you wouldn't order that again, when you start to feel a rumbling in your stomach. "Uh-oh," you say under your breath, when KABLAMO!
The explosive aftertaste kicks in, sending you sky high. It's almost like a scene out of a cartoon. You're covered in ash and smoke as you collapse. I guess maybe you should have paid attention to that so-called government disclaimer.
Mango Juice
You study the menu and, man, all of these drinks sound too complicated. They're all mixtures of various fruits. It's all too much! Where's the drink for the simple man?!
Finally, you find it, Mango Juice! Perfect, it's just one fruit turned into juice. No combos, no flavor profiles, just the sweet, sweet taste of a mango! You order one glass of Mango Juice and, yep, it sure is Mango Juice, a nice sweet tropical treat on a hot summer day!
Waluigi Time
"Excited to finally find Waluigi Time and hoping to get started working on your 'Shroom section, you run up to Waluigi Time, greeting him and explaining that you're here to help him cover the tournament!
""Oh, so you'd like to cover the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT with me, eh? Great idea!"" He seems enthusiastic at first, then digs into his pockets. ""…oh wait, there's just one problem. They only gave The 'Shroom one press, so you'll have to buy a ticket! I think you can get one at the Glitz Pit entrance!"" he says as he gestures vaguely towards the long line."
Glitzy Pitzy
Wondering about getting inside the Glitz Pit, you get in line. The line is hugeeeeeeeeeee and, strangely, it's full of people wearing costumes. You think this is weird, since you didn't really think this tournament was gonna be a cosplay event, but maybe that's what Glitz Pit fans do. You don't really know because you only ever watched Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown!
Finally, after what feels like hours, you get to the front of the line, where a Toad sits clipboard in hand. "Alright, here's the sign-up form. State your real name and ring name," he says gruffly.
"Wait, what???" "I think there's been some sort of mistake!"
What's All This?
"Ring name?" you say as you start asking him what he's talking about!
He explains how this is the line for people registering to fight in the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT.
Hearing this, you almost go into shock! You, a simple 'Shroom writer, joining something as violent as a fighting tournament? That's crazy!
Hey, I'm Just Here To Watch
You stammer out that there appears to have been a mistake. You're not here to fight, you're just trying to get tickets! The Toad and all the people in line start laughing at you. Once the Toad finishes laughing, he informs you that the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT has been sold out for months and that the only way you're seeing this tournament live is by being in it!
Got A Name, Kid?
Your first instinct is to get out of this line and find Waluigi Time. I mean, you're not a trained fighter! It's nuts that you would even consider entering the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT. But then you start thinking things through further.
Why just report on the tournament from afar when you could report on the tournament directly inside of it? Think about it, the fighting reporter! Think about how much credibility your coverage will garner if you do this! You know what? Screw it, you say to yourself! You can handle this! You decide to make your own fortune and fight in the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT!
After you finish filling out all the forms (you know legal, personal, and liability, total legal mumbo jumbo), you return the forms to the Toad. He then asks for the ring name you plan on fighting under.
Mr. S The Ding Dong Scrap Iron Shroomdaski Iron Wright Shroom The Great Gonzales Uh... Uh......
Reporter KO
You immediately get out of line. You're not a fighter! You're not even an athlete! It's absolutely nuts to think that you'd join something as dangerous as the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT!
After this mix-up, you track down Waluigi Time and explain the situation to him. He's able to pull a few strings and get your tickets to the tournament. Unfortunately, the tickets you get are nosebleed seats, all the way in the back. To make matters worse, you're sitting behind a pillar!
You try your best to cover the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT, but if I'm being honest you don't do a great job, what with barely being able to see anything and all. When you try to get The 'Shroom to publish it, they reject your application since Waluigi Time's backstage coverage just blows yours out of the water. Your trip to Rogueport ended up a total bust! You didn't even get a single 'Shroom section out of it, and, from the sounds of it, you won't be getting invited on another on-location trip again!
Mr. S!
A ring name… You ask yourself, do you want something cool or something mysterious? Finally, it hits you and a lightbulb appears before you! Mr. S! You begin to explain how you'll wrestle as the mysterious Mr. S, how you'll wear a mask over your face so nobody can recognize you. You'll keep everyone guessing. They'll ask questions the whole time. Who is this new fighter? Where did he learn these sick moves? What does the S stand for?! (it stands for 'Shroom, by the way).
The employee looks at you funny. "Okay, first of all, nobody knows who you are anyways! You're only being allowed to enter because this is an open tournament. So I don't think your identity needs to be some sort of secret! Also, 'Mr. S'? Please, the generic store called and they want their name back! Here's what we'll do. We're gonna call you The Great Gonzales. Now, get in there Gonzales, because your match is coming up soon!
The Ding Dong!
You excitedly tell him that'll you'll fight under the name The Ding Dong. You start telling him all these great ideas you have. You'll cover yourself in bells! Maybe you'll even get a big bell for the corner that you'll ring so the people will know to cheer you when you're kicking ass. You explain in detail about how this will make you the top face and how children will love you. There's even big merch opportunities, you explain.
As you're rambling on about this super great idea, the man stares at you, mouth agape. Finally he shakes his hands and goes "what? No, that's stupid! We're not gonna cover you in bells! How would that even work? Bells would get all over the place. We're calling you the Great Gonzales. Now get out of here and get to your match before I change my mind about letting you compete."
Iron Wright Shroom!
You pitched your name thinking yourself oh-so-clever. Not only will this make you sound tough, but you're also stealthily plugging The 'Shroom. With ideas like this, you'll make team director in no time.
The guy at the sign-up stand looks at you, puzzled. "Well, first off, you're not made of iron. You're clearly made of flesh and fungus. Second off, this little Shroom, whatever that is, is a problem. It's not on our list of sponsors, so that's a no go. I'll tell you what, we'll call you the Great Gonzales. It doesn't really mean anything, but it will give you some flair and, well, it looks like you need all the help you can get in that department. Now get in there Gonzales, because your match is coming up soon!"
Scrap Iron Shroomdaski!
"A ring name, huh?" You know, you had never really thought about what your name would be if you ever became a fighter. I mean, you never even thought you'd be entering a fighting tournament. After all, you're just a journalist! You were never athletically-inclined. But since you do need to pick a gimmick name… it should be something that really represents how much of a rough and tumble fighter you'll be. How you'll be a real scrappy, never-say-die fighter! Finally, it dawns on you! "Scrap Iron Shroomdaski. After all, who's more rough and tumble than an iron worker? And Shroomdaski? That just sounds like an old school bare-knuckle brawler!
The man at the registration booth just sighs before explaining to you how your name sounds like a cartoon character from the black and white era. He goes on to say how there's no merchandise potential in a name like Scrap Iron Shroomdaski. Thinking it over for a second, he tells you your name will be the Great Gonzales before telling you to hurry into the Glitz Pit because your match will be starting soon!
The Great Gonzales!
You think it over for a second, trying to think of a name. It's gotta be something tough-sounding, something marketable, something the people can get behind. Suddenly, it comes to you! "THE GREAT GONZALES," you blurt out. Oh man, you can see it now, thousands of screaming fans all chanting "Gonzales" as you lay a whopping on your opponent!
The man running the sign-ups looks at you and begins nodding. "You know what? That's pretty good! Yeah, the Great Gonzales, I think we can work with that. Very good! Okay Gonzales, with your name picked out and your sign-up complete, go ahead and head on inside because your qualifying match will be up soon!"
The Unknown Fighter
Your mind begins to race! A ring name??? You're not prepared! Oh man, oh man, what do you wanna call yourself??? Names fill your mind! George South, Barry Toadowitz, The Fungicutioner, SD Jones, Roadblock, Duane Gill, The Wooded Kingdom Lumberjack, Randy Hogan, Ron Shaw… All flow through your mind, but, ugh, none of these feel right!
Finally, you start hearing the sounds of snapping and you come out of your daze to see the Toad snapping his fingers at you.
"Hey buddy, we don't have all day," he says. "You know what? I'm just gonna put you down as the Great Gonzales, is that okay?"
You nod sheepishly, embarrassed that a journalist of your caliber couldn't even think of the fighting equivalent of a pen name! The Toad jots the name down before grumpily telling you, "great, now get in there Gonzales, because your match is coming up soon!"
Qualification Match
Backstage in the Glitz Pit, it dawns on you that you don't know how to fight! If you go through with this, you're probably going to end up making a damn fool out of yourself and getting hurt! You think about cutting and running, but, before you can, an agent grabs you, telling you your match is up next and whisking you away to the Glitz Pit arena.
Nervous, you enter the arena, hoping that you, at the very least, can come out of this match without suffering a permanent injury. As you climb in the ring, you see for your opponent, a Swoop perched on the arena side. The announcer enters the ring, and it turns out he's just a talking microphone, which, to be honest, you think is kind of neat!
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS MATCH IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL AND IS A WILD CARD QUALIFICATION BOUT. THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH WILL HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE SELECTED FOR THE GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT."
"INTRODUCING FIRST, HAILING FROM THE CREEPY STEEPLE, REPRESENTING THE WINGS OF DESTRUCTION, WITH A WIN-LOSS RECORD OF 4 WINS TO 11 LOSSES, HE IS THE KNIGHT OF TWILIGHT TRAIL, SIR SWOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
"AND HIS OPPONENT, FROM NEW WIKISBURG, REPRESENTING THE SHROOM, MAKING HIS GLITZ PIT DEBUT, THE GREAT GONZALESSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
The bell rings and Sir Swoop immediately takes flight, flying high up into the air. "HAHAHA! Do you see this power?! Now watch as I end this fight in one bite," he says as he dive bombs at you.
Punch
Sir Swoop dives at you with lighting speed, but you realize you can use this to your advantage. You reckon that he's trading speed on this dive for control, and that, if you just bash him in the face with your fist, he won't be able to dodge. Then, hopefully, you knock him out!
It's a good plan, but there's one little flaw in this plan. Sir Swoop is an experienced fighter and, before you can make contact, he sees what's happening, so he pulls up foiling your plan. I guess it's at least more of a stalemate because he hasn't hit you and you haven't hit him! But here he comes for another attack!
Punch Again
You wind up for another punch, bracing yourself as you wait to for your opponent to make a move.
Wait for Sir Swoop to make a move. Hang on, this is dumb! Stop punching him and grab him!
Grab
As Sir Swoop is dive bombing you, you realize something. He's, uh, really not going that fast. I mean, yeah, he's going fast for a bat, you guess? But you could probably just dodge him. Or… Wait! Better idea! You decide that you're going to grab Sir Swoop and then smash him into the mat! What a great and stylish idea - the crowd will love it!
Sure enough, you're able to grab Sir Swoop by the wings. It looks like you're in the perfect position to win… but IT WAS A BAIT! Upon being grabbed, Sir Swoop reveals his fangs and sinks them deep within your arm. You let go, recoiling in pain. Suddenly, you start to feel weak and it's difficult to stand. You realize too late that Sir Swoop has drained your life force with his bite. Before you even really know what hits you, you fall to the mat out cold in a loss by knockout.
You spend the next three days in the hospital, recovering from your wounds. By the time you get out, the trip is mostly over and you don't have anything to show for it. You try to throw something together about your experience as a fighter, but it just doesn't come together at all! You're forced to tell Shoey that you're not going to be able to get a section out of this trip at all, and, let me tell you, he is pissed! I don't think you're going to be invited on any more trips…
Jump
For a brief second after Sir Swoop took flight, you were freaking out, having no idea what to do at all! Suddenly, it hits you! "What would Mario do?" you ask yourself. You realize Mario would just jump on the stupid bat's noggin, so that's what you're going to do!
You bend your legs and lift off with a mighty jump… but you're not Mario…
Instead of bouncing on the bat, what happens is you collide with the bat, who ends up tied up in your shirt.
Punch Drunk
This is your chance! Your opponent is stunned! You cock back your arm and deliver a punch with all your power right to the back of Sir Swoop's head! And it works! Sir Swoop is knocked out! Well… that's the good news, at least.
The bad news is that, as you punched Sir Swoop, he drove his fangs into your chest, reacting on, you know, fight-or-flight and all that. With that, he drained your life force and, while, yes, you knocked out Sir Swoop, you fell unconscious at the same time. That means that neither of you won the fight!
Knocked out the tournament, you do manage to get a somewhat passable Fake News section about the tournament written, but honestly you can't help but feel that entering the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT was kind of a waste of time?
Drive Me Batty
The feeling of Sir Swoop trapped within your shirt is unbearable. His wings flapping wildly against your chest is a level of discomfort you thought you'd never experience. Desperate to end it, you slip out of your shirt. Even though you're not exactly comfortable with a bunch of strangers seeing your body, anything is better than this! In the process of this, Sir Swoop is left trapped in your shirt, flying around blindly. He ends up smashing into a pillar, collapsing outside of the ring…
I don't believe it, but you won! You actually won! The announcer announces you as the winner and everything! Now all I guess you can do is wait to see if you're selected to participate in the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT.
Locker Room
You stand outside the locker room, nervously awaiting the results. Did your qualifying match impress enough to get you into the tournament?
A smiling Grubba approaches you. "Hoo-WEE! That was great, you really got the audience goin'! Ringin' out Sir Swoop by tanglin' him up in yer shirt and throwin' it out of the ring? I ain't never seen anythin' like it all my years in the business! That was some real grade-A fightin' right there, so I'm pleased to say that you've qualified, son! You're officially in the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT," he says as he leads you into the locker room, much to your excitement!
In the locker room, Grubba begins to give you the tour. It's not exactly the ritz, but still it's pretty cool. He tells you how the boys in the locker room are pretty protective of their spots (he assures you that's an industry term) and how they might be cold at first but they'll come around if you prove yourself.
As you look around, you see a large number of people congregating around a Bandit standing on top of an old Peachy Peach crate. You inquire about who that is. You see Grubba grit his teeth. "That there's Bandy Andy, Glitz Pit troublemaker. He's always goin' on about conspiracies and all that kinda nonsense. Take my advice, you'd better steer clear of him, all righty?" he says as a female Toad enters the locker room.
"Ah, Great Gonzales, this here's my lovely business manager, Ms. Jolene," he says, introducing you to the Toad. "Smart as a whip she is, so she runs the business side of things while I schedule the fights! She's the one who comes up with all them advertisin' campaigns, schedules fighters' public appearances, and handles merchandise! She also-"
Grubba is suddenly cut off by Jolene.
"Hi. Great Gonzales, is it?" she asks before completely moving past you "Now, sir, I need to discuss Rawk Hawk's appearance schedule with you," she tells Grubba.
With more pressing matters Grubba is pulled away, leaving you in the locker room to settle in. While you do see a few other fighters around, none of them look friendly. The only one you really think might talk to you is that Bandy Andy troublemaker...
Meet Bandy Andy
Despite Grubba's words of caution, you find yourself overwhelmed with curiosity over Bandy Andy's supposed ramblings. You assure yourself that, as a journalist, you'd be remiss in your duties if you didn't follow every possible story! You get up close to the commotion.
"I'm telling you guys, something weird is happening in Glitz Pit! Think about it! What about Prince Mush's sudden and mysterious retirement, huh?!"
As he says that, one of the fighters interrupts him, yelling out "HE'S ON VACATION, YOU NUT! ASK JOLENE!".
Undaunted, Bandy Andy continues. "That's not all! One night. while walking past the locked arena. I saw strange lights emitting from under the door!"
Another fighter interrupts. "GRUBBA WAS PROBABLY JUST TESTING PYRO, YOU LOON!"
But Bandy Andy continues. "Well, well, what about that sealed wall in the minor league locker room? Who knows what Grubba has hidden behind it!"
Hearing this, the fighters all groan. One of them, a Pokey, rolls his eyes "Andy, I was standing right next to you when Grubba explained it's just an old storage room he doesn't need anymore," he says as the fighters disperse, tired of Andy's ramblings.
You stay behind, not knowing where to go, and Bandy Andy seems to take notice of you. "They just don't understand. Something weird is happening! Strange lights, missing fighters, Grubba having the figure of a 25 year old despite being like 62 at the earliest, it doesn't add up. But none of them believe me. They're shutting their eyes to the truth! But you! You seem interested! Do you want to help me investigate what's happening?"
Maybe...
To put it bluntly, you're skeptical that any of these ramblings are true, butttttt… you are a journalist and it's your job to pursue any big stories. After a moment of hedging, you tell Bandy Andy to give you some time to think and you'll have your answer after your first fight!
Prepare For The Goomba Bros!
You begin to leave the locker room to head to your next fight, but before you can, Grubba stops you. "C'mere son, I wanna show you somethin'," he says as he leads you to a stage where a strange glasses-wearing carrot man interviews the Goomba Bros.
"That feller there is Pine A., our chief interviewer, and those five over there are yer opponents, the Goomba Bros. Now, I want you to watch 'em closely," he says, directing you to the interview. You look up on the stage, where one of the Goomba Bros. has just taken the mic.
"I gotta say Pine A., me and the boys are feeling pretty good about all this! I mean, could we have gotten a better draw? Who is this Great Gonzaga fella? Huh? Nothing but a green boy who couldn't find the ring if you led him to it! For a second, we were worried. After all, Sir Swoop might be weak as they come, but at least he knew what he was doing! But this guy, he's an amateur, a pipsqueak, a fluke! Did you see how he won? A one and a million shot, barely beating one of the weaker fighters in the field! Me and the boys were shocked Grubba even let him into the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT, cause it certainly wasn't on fight quality. Best me and the boys can tell, ole Grubba is finally losing it in his old age. Oh well, 'cause his mistake is our gain. We're gonna get that fluke in the and ring we're gonna take him out before that bell even rings. And the best part, Pine A.? While others are tired from having real fights, we're gonna be as fresh as daisies for the second round!"
Goomba Bros. Promos
After that take down by the Goomba Bros., who make things worse by mean-mugging you after their promo, Grubba puts his hands on your shoulder and explains it's not just the fights people come here to see, but also the drama. He tells you they sell both the sizzle and steak. Pushing you towards the interview stage, he gives you one last piece of advice, telling you to really sell yourself in these interviews, because that will help both the tournament and your personal fighting career.
"I'm here now live with tournament newcomer the Great Gonzales," says Pine A. when you go up on stage. "Mr. Gonzales, it was a shock to many to see you make it through the qualifying round of the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT. It appears your opponents were more shocked than anybody. Tell me, Mr. Gonzales, how do you respond to their charges that you're just a fluke and not a serious contender?"
You look at the interviewer, trying to think about how you want to respond. After only a second (that feels like forever), you think of the perfect response.
Cut a cocky promo. Cut a technical promo. Cut a "passionate" promo.
Goomba Bros. Cocky
You look at Pine A., cocking your head back arrogantly. "Let me tell you something Mr. TV Announcer. I don't care what a couple of Goombas think of my credentials! They talk about how I'm a fluke? Where do they get the nerve to talk about my fighting abilities? They're nothing but a gaggle of fungi, not even tough enough to face me one-on-one! They talk about their experience, but all they've done is lose! They've spent more time counting the lights than they have hitting moves on their opponents. They think the numbers give them an advantage, but when we get in that ring, it won't be five on one it'll be one on none. I promise you this Mr. TV Announcer, I'm gonna STOMP those Goombas better than even the great Mario ever could." As you finish, you swagger off, exuding an aura of confidence.
Goomba Bros. Technical
Nervous and not accustomed to public speaking, you begin your response. "Well Pine A,. I believe I would dispute the charges that I am a fluke. I believe if you went back and watched the tape you would see that I won my qualifying match against Sir Swoop fair and square. While, yes, it's true I have only one fight under my belt, I do not believe my lack of experience will be a hindrance. Now, the Goomba Bros. are a tough opponent whose experience dwarfs mine, and, yes, them fighting under the Fabulous Biddybud's rules will complicate things a bit. However, I believe that could work to my advantage. While the Goomba Bros. are strong together, they are weak individually. My plan is to separate one of them from the group, isolating them and knocking them out. I will then continue to implement that plan until all the Goomba Bros. are defeated. I believe that is my best chance for success in this match-up," you say in a dry, mumbling manner before heading to the ring.
Goomba Bros. Passionate
You grab the mic from Pine. A and just start screaming. "FLUKE? FLUKE? THEY DARE CALL ME A FLUKE!? PINE A., OH WHEN I GET MY HANDS - ON THEM, OH WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THEM, OH PINE A., WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THEM, I'M GONNA SHOW THEM WHAT A FLUKE IS!!! DO YOU HEAR ME PINE A.? I'M GONNA SHOW THEM WHAT A FLUKE IS!" after finishing, you storm off as Pine A. looks on, baffled.
Goomba Bros. Fight!
You head to the ring, following the Goomba Bros. The crowd is honestly pretty dead. There isn't a lot of reaction for either you or the Goomba Bros. It stings a little, but you rationalize that it makes sense since the crowd has only seen you fight once and, from what you understand, the Goomba Bros. haven't exactly lit up the Glitz Pit with success. You enter the ring, standing in your corner while the announcer mic walks to the center of the ring.
"INTRODUCING FIRST, FROM RIVERSIDE STATION, FIGHTING UNDER THE FABULOUS BIDDYBUD'S RULES, WITH A COMBINED WIN-LOSS RECORD OF 3 WINS 25 LOSSES, THE FEARSOME QUINTUPLE, THE METEORITE HARDHEADED GOOMBA BROS!"
"AND THEIR CHALLENGER, FROM NEW WIKISBURG, REPRESENTING THE SHROOM, HE IS THE RECIPIENT OF THE GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT WILDCARD SELECTION. WITH A RECORD OF 1 WIN AND 0 LOSSES, HERE'S THE GREAT GONZALESSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
The Bell rings as the leader of the Goomba Bros. steps forward, motioning to his team "Come on boys, let's show 'em why they call us the Meteorite Hardheads!" With that, two of the Goombas break off and charge from different directions.
Fight - G1
You decide to stand your ground, swinging at the Goomba who came from the right. The good news is that you hit him! The bad news is, in the process, the one from the left smashes you in the head. You're left unconscious and you lose the fight by knockout, ending your hopes of becoming the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT champion.
Defend - G1
You decide you're going to try and do something a little tricky here. You brace yourself, hoping that, by doing so, you'll be able to fend off this first attack and then after that you'll have an opening for your own attack! It's a solid plan, and it might have worked, but there's just one problem… You're not a trained fighter; you're just a journalist.
You attempt to defend yourself, but you don't actually know how! Instead, both Goombas smash directly into you, the force of which easily knocks you out. Maybe you should have at least read a pamphlet on pit fighting before entering the big leagues?
Dodge - G1
The two Goombas rush you, leaping high in the air with their hard heads pointed directly at you. But you realize they don't have the ability to, well, aim once they've already launched themselves, so you just step out of the way. This causes the two Goombas to bonk into each other. The crowd erupts with laughter as the furious Goomba Bros. leader orders the other two Goombas to get you and end their humiliation.
Fight - G2
Filled with confidence after your successful atta… Hmm, would you call it an attack? Ya know what? We'll call it an attack. You decide you're going to go down swinging!
You start throwing wild blows at these two Goombas, pinballing back and forth as you knock both of them out with your mighty quick blows! There's just one teensy little problem… While you were kicking all that ass, the other three Goombas decided to surround you. By the time you're done opening up a can of whoop ass on those two Goombas, the other three are already in place and you're exhausted. The three Goombas easily overwhelm you, knocking you out with their hard heads and sharp teeth!
Defend - G2
You decide to stand your ground! Not one step back, you say to yourself! The two Goombas rush you, and you sweep the legs out from under one of them and, hey, it works! Well, sort of…
You do in fact sweep his legs out from underneath him, but you kind of fall over in the process, because, as it turns out, you don't have any actual experience fighting. The Goomba Bros., who do in fact have experience fighting, pounce on top of you, knocking you out with their sharp teeth and headbonks.
Dodge - G2
The two Goombas start running in zigzag formations. You can't tell if they're trying to play to the crowd or discombobulate you. The two suddenly both jump high in the air, pointing their domes right at you. For a second, you're shocked, wondering if they're really trying to do the same failed attack again. Again, you simply step out of the way as they collide and the crowd again erupts with laughter.
Now the leader is beyond angry as he calls for his team to huddle up. "Alright, boy, you asked for it! Goomba Bros., form the Goomba Death circle," he says as the Goombas spread out forming a tight circle and planning to envelop you in it.
Fight - G3
You might be surrounded and things might look bad, but you decide you're not going to go out like a punk! You start throwing blows at the Goomba Bros. You're landing blow after blow; it's almost like something out of a kung-fu movie as you're pinballing attack after attack on them! For a second, it looks like you're going to defy the odds, because they're stunned by your assault.
Unfortunately, it turns out this isn't a kung-fu movie where the one-man army takes out the enemy's army. It's more like the 1971 classic Billy Jack. Sure, you land some blows and kick some ass, but numbers still exist! While you hold them off for a little bit, you're eventually overwhelmed by the sheer numbers!
You might have lost this fight, but you've gained the respect of the crowd. You manage to score some pretty cool interviews with competitors and the 'Shroom section that you write about the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT for Fake News is a hit, winning both a Poochy's Pick and SOTM. But, you know, something in you can't can't help but be a little bitter as you look back on the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT and wonder what could have been had you just been a little bit stronger.
Defend - G3
Okay, so things might look hopeless, but you've got a strategy! If you keep your guard up, you might be able to slip through the Goomba Brothers's circle, which will give you a chance to land your own counterattack. That counterattack might even be powerful enough to drop the Goomba Bros. like bowling pins!
You brace yourself for the impact, but, well, here's the thing. You're way overestimating your abilities as a fighter! The Goomba Bros. simply and easily pounce on you, delivering a powerful five-way headbonk. The force of this headbonk easily knocks you out, and, worse still, when you wake up, you can't remember who you are from the trauma! The doctors assure Waluigi Time that you'll make a full recovery, but they aren't sure when that'll be and they aren't sure if you'll ever write again!
Dodge - G3
You're completely surrounded when you hear the leader of the Goomba Bros. yell "ALRIGHT, BOYS, NOW!". All five Goomba Bros. jump into the air. You're shocked, snookered, and confused that they would try the same tactic AGAIN and AGAIN! Once again, you simply step out of the way!
This time, however, all five Goomba Bros. collide into each other, and the sheer force of their five-way collision causes all of them to drop, scoring you a group KO! You stand there baffled over what happened during that fight as the crowd goes wild and you're declared the victor, moving on the quarter finals of the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT.
Locker Room Victory!
You stroll into the locker room, triumphant. The other fighters still seem cold to you, but they're more willing to acknowledge your presence, now. You notice Bandy Andy in the corner of the room, eyeing expectantly. Hmm, you did say you'd consider helping him, but do you really want to lose focus on your matches investigating what sound like mere rumors?
Match Time, Bub
Before your match, you're again ushered to the interview With the cameras rolling, Glitz Pit interviewer Pine A. begins to do his interview.
"Now, I'm here live with our newest competitor, the Great Gonzales. Now, Great Gonzales, many doubted your ability to compete in this tournament, but I must say you proved them wrong in your victory over the Goomba Bros. But tell me, Great Gonzales, how do you plan on a tackling a fighter like the tricky thief, Bandy Andy?"
Cut a cocky promo. Cut a technical promo. Cut a "passionate" promo.
Bandy Andy Cocky
"Let me tell you something, Mr. TV Announcer. This Bandy Andy ain't nothing but a two-bit masked varmint. He calls himself a thief. He calls himself a bandit. B he's nothing but a loon! Understand me, Mr. TV Announcer? You should hear him in the back, droning on and on to anyone who listens about the seven mysteries of Glitz Pit or whatever."
"If ya ask me, Mr. TV Announcer, he doesn't talk sense! But don't worry, Bandy Andy I'm gonna help ya in that ring. I'm gonna hit you so hard your brain is gonna go back to normal. YA HEAR THAT, BANDY ANDY!? I'M GONNA SMACK THE DELUSIONS RIGHT OUT OF YA!" You then drop the mic and strut to the ring as the crowd cheers.
Bandy Andy Technical
Clearing your throat for a second and looking directly in the camera, you begin to give what you think is a scientific rundown of your plan for victory. "Pine A., I believe this will be a tricky fight. A lot of people look down on Bandy Andy because he's a thief. They say he's got no business being in that ring with honest fighters. But they don't realize how much of a benefit Bandy Andy gets from his days as a thief. A master pickpocket, Bandy Andy moves his hands lightning fast. Before you even get the chance to block it, he's already struck you three times. That's what I'm gonna have to look out for out there. I'm gonna have to pay close attention to those hands of his. I'm gonna have to make sure I don't allow him to land his patented quick blows!" With your plan thoroughly explained, you head the ring as the crowd politely claps.
Bandy Andy Passionate
Determined to put on a show for the crowd, you grab the mic and start bellowing like a wild man. "BANDY ANDY, YOU'RE A THIEF. YOU HEAR ME? A THIEF! HE THINKS HE CAN STEAL A WIN FROM ME! BUT WE'RE NOT PLAYING FOR COINS IN THERE! THAT'S RIGHT, THERE WON'T BE COINS IN THAT RING, JUST FIGHTING! HE'S NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO STEAL ANYTHING FROM ME! WE'RE GONNA GET IN THAT RING AND YOU'RE GONNA SEE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO STEAL THIS WIN FROM ME!" With your promo finished, you head to the ring as the crowd sits stunned, not sure if they should cheer or boo.
Bandy Andy Fight!
Having finished your interview, you're escorted to the arena to take on the weirdo Bandy Andy. You're a little nervous to compete against Bandy Andy after having seen his backstage ranting and raving! As you enter the ring, you notice the crowd is a little more alive at this match, although neither of you are getting a great reception from the crowd. The mic steps towards the middle of the ring.
"THE FOLLOWING IS A GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT QUARTERFINAL MATCH. INTRODUCING FIRST, FROM THE MEAN STREETS OF ROGUEPORT, FIGHTING ON BEHALF OF THE HAND-IT-OVERS, WITH A COMBINED WIN-LOSS RECORD OF 12 WINS AND 10 LOSSES, THE GIANT OF THEFT, BANDY ANDYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
"AND HIS OPPONENT, FROM NEW WIKISBURG, REPRESENTING THE SHROOM WITH A WIN-LOSS RECORD OF 2 WINS AND 0 LOSSES. GLITZ PIT'S NUMBER 1 REPORTER, THE GREAT GONZALESSSSSSSSSSS!"
As the introductions are going, you think out what your strategy should be. As soon as the bell rings to start the fight you…
Defend - B1
Bandy Andy begins to rush towards you. For a second, you freeze, before remembering hearing about how Bandy Andy's years of pickpocketing made him great at sleight-of-hand quick strikes. You decide you're going to take advantage of that. You take a defensive position, confident that you can grab Bandy Andy's arm when he tries his quick strikes! Once that happens, he'll be easy pickings!
Bandy Andy takes the bait and begins trying to throw feints. You focus as hard as possible. The strikes are like one of those old shell games; you're watching his arm, looking to grab it right before he strikes.
"GOTCHA," you yell as you move to grab his arm, confident you've got him right where you want him! But almost like a magic trick, Bandy Andy's arm isn't anywhere near where you think it is. Before you have time to react, Bandy Andy is hitting you with some Kenshiro Fist of the North Star" "you are already dead" strikes. Before you even know it, you're on the ground unconscious. To make matters worse, Bandy Andy stole your wallet in the process!
Charge - B1
You decide you're not going to wait around for Bandy Andy to get up close and land his patented sleight of hand strikes. Instead, you're going to take the initiative. You rush towards Bandy Andy, determined to hit him before he can hit you. But, well, it turns out Bandy Andy had the exact same idea and the two of you collide in the middle of the ring.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it; this whole sequence looks awful. Both of you look like uncoordinated dorks and the crowd is raining boos down upon both of you. As you two lay on the floor, you notice Bandy Andy distracted as you realize the collision knocked your wallet out and coins have scattered everywhere. Now's your chance!
Throw - B2
'The time is now! He's distracted! His thieving nature will be his undoing! These are the thoughts that go through your head as you run up and grab him, trying to throw him out of the arena to score an admittedly-cheap victory. But who cares about honor? You're here for glory!
Unfortunately, your inexperience proves to be your undoing. Since you two were in the center of the ring, Bandy Andy has plenty of time to get his wits about him after you grab him, and that's exactly what happens. Bandy Andy easily turns the table on you, reversing your grab and instead throwing you out of the ring! After you tumble out of the ring, all you can do is lay on the floor, shocked that Bandy Andy got one over on you, shocked that you blew what should have been an easy victory.
Submission - B2
As you watch Bandy Andy greedily try to pick up the scattered coins, you have an idea. You decide you're going to win this match in style! Now, you didn't watch a lot of wrestling growing up, but one thing permanently etched in your brain is King Clawdaddy's AWAZON SIDESTEPPER DEATHLOCK, a move that you vividly remember forcing a number of noted competitors to tap out. In fact, you can't remember the hold ever being broken once King Clawdaddy got his claws locked in!
You get behind Bandy Andy, excitedly preparing to lock in the hold, but there's one problem. So, as it turns out, you don't… actually know how to do the AWAZON SIDESTEPPER DEATH LOCK…. Yeah, as it turns out, a half-memory from something you saw as a kid does not make you an expert on submission holds. You freeze, not knowing what to do.
This gives Bandy Andy an opening, an opening which he pounces on, sweeping your leg and delivering a quick strike to your neck, knocking you out. Hmmmmmm… Maybe you should have practiced some moves before entering this tournament?
Punt - B2
You watch as Bandy Andy greedily picks up the coins, filling his pockets with your hard-earned money. You're annoyed over this whole thing, but you realize this could be a great opportunity for you to win the match. With your opponent completely out of the fight and focused on lining his pockets, you take a few steps back. Then you start running and you just boot Bandy Andy right in the side of the head with all your might. It's not the flashiest move and the crowd don't seem to like it, but, oh, man it works! Bandy Andy falls to the ground, completely out of it, and you're declared the winner by knockout. It's a pretty amazing victory, and, hey, what do you know? you're onto the semi-finals of the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT!
You head to the locker room for a brief rest, but you soon feel the urge to brawl welling up inside of you. You're getting so far in this tournament despite your inexperience! Maybe there's… No, no, you can't get ahead of yourself. You need to steel yourself for the next match - and the interview before it!
Chomp Country Promos
Before your match, you're again ushered to the interview stage to give a quick interview. With the cameras rolling, Glitz Pit interviewer Pine A. begins to do his interview.
"Now, I'm here live with the Great Gonzales, the surprise underdog of the tournament. Great Gonzales, you've done well to get this far, but, tell me, how do you plan to defeat the unpredictable beasts known as the Chomp Country?"
Cut a cocky promo. Cut a technical promo. Cut a "passionate" promo.
Chomp Country Cocky
Looking over your opponent, two snarling and seemingly-mindless Red Chomps, you're, to put it mildly, not impressed. "Let me tell you something Mr. TV Announcer. I ain't worried at all about those two egg-sucking dogs! You tell me they're Red Chomps? Well, I don't think that's red on them! I say it's rust! That's right Mr. TV Announcer, they're rusted out and useless! I'm gonna get in that ring. I'm gonna tie those two chains together, and I'm gonna bring those egg-sucking dogs to heel. YA HEAR THAT, YA MUTTS!? YOU'RE GONNA BE LAYING DOWN FOR YOUR NEW MASTER WHEN THIS FIGHT IS OVER"
Chomp Country Technical
"Pine A., this is going to be my toughest fight yet. A lot of people go around claiming that Chomp Country are mindless… and maybe they are? But I think people get it confused. They think that's a weakness, but I say it's a strength because nobody can predict their moves, you see. Most opponents, you can study them and try to understand how they fight, but these two are nothing more than giant, unpredictable dogs. It'll be a tough fight, that's for sure, but I think I've got a strategy in mind. If i can get 'em riled up, if i can get 'em real confused, I'll be at the advantage. I might even be able to sic them on themselves. That's my goal, Pine A., to try to get them riled up so much that they don't even try to fight me!"
Chomp Country Passionate
Seeing your opponents, you start snarling like a madman. "ARF ARF ARF! THOSE ARE THE SOUNDS OF DOGS! NOW CHOMP COUNTY MAY ACT LIKE THE ALPHA DOGS OF THE GLITZ PIT, BUT ALL I GOTTA DO IS GET IN THERE - ARF ARF ARF! - AND THEY'LL LAY DOWN TO ME, REAL ALPHA DOG! ARF ARF!" You make one more barking motion at Pine A. before heading to the ring.
Chomp Country Fight!
Heading to the ring for your next fight, you see the crowd's energy has started to pick up. You think it's probably just because we're getting farther into the tournament, so they're getting more excited, thinking the fight quality will get better. But you do notice a couple of what-appear-to-be-handmade Great Gonzales signs in the crowd, which warms your heart just a little bit.
Entering the ring, you're honestly a little nervous. From what you've heard, your opponents are basically mindless and extremely dangerous animals. How are you supposed to fight two giant metal beasts? But when you look at your opponent, you notice something. They're docile! The two Red Chomps don't appear to be dangerous; they're simply jumping around on their chains.
Seeing this, you start to get a little more confident. Maybe all the rumors were wrong! Maybe they're just nice, friendly animals! The announcer mic steps forward.
"THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINAL MATCH! INTRODUCING FIRS,T FROM PARTS UNKNOWN, FIGHTING UNDER THE FABULOUS BIDDYBUD'S RULES, THEY HAVE A COMBINED RECORD OF 15 WINS AND 5 LOSSES, MAKE SOME NOISE FOR THE BEASTS OF COMBAT, CHOMP COUNTRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
"AND THEIR OPPONENT FROM NEW WIKISBURG, REPRESENTING THE SHROOM, HE HAS A WIN-LOSS RECORD OF 3 WINS AND 0 LOSSES, IT'S GLITZ PIT'S ULTIMATE UNDERDOG, THE GREAT GONZALESSSSSSSSSSS!"
Even with all this commotion, Chomp Country isn't reacting at all. In fact, it almost looks like they're about to fall asleep. You think to yourself that this is going to be easy, that you're going to be in the finals in no time! As you're crowing to yourself, the bell rings and, suddenly, Chomp Country snaps, snarling around at everything in sight.
Luckily for you, you're just outside their chains' reach, preventing them from biting you. The color drains from your face as they aggressively bark and attempt to bite everything. "Okay, let's just slow down," you say to yourself as you realize that Chain Chomps are basically just big 1,000-pound metal dogs. Okay, man, think, think, think! How do you tame dogs?
Fetch - C1
'That's it, you think to yourself, dogs love fetch! You'll simply throw something out of the ring and the two Red Chomps will jump out of the ring to fetch it! Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant!
Oh wait, you didn't bring, like, a ball or anything… hmmmmmmm… That might prove to be a problem…
WAIT I'VE GOT IT! Chain Chomps are real dumb, so you're just going to pretend that you've got something to throw. They're not gonna know the difference. You approach them cautiously, pretending like you've got a ball in your hand.
"Come on boys, see the ball? You want the ball, right? GO GET THE BALL," you say, making a throwing motion! The two Red Chomps give you a side eye. Uh-oh, I don't think it's working. By the time you realize how much you underestimated their intelligence, they're already mauling you.
I guess the lesson here is that you shouldn't taunt two 1,000-pound metal balls of anger.
Baby - C1
Okay, think man! Think! What do dogs like? That's it! You've got it! Dogs love pets and being told they're a good boy!
"Come on, who are my good boys?" you say in a high-pitched voice, moving in to try and pet Chomp Country. You think your plan is working as the two Red Chomps seem to calm down, but once you get a little closer… it turns out IT WAS A BAIT!
The two Chomps lunge at you, tearing into you with their teeth. They start throwing you around, giving you a real lashing. You know, in hindsight, it might have been a mistake to think Chain Chomps and dogs were a one-to-one comparison.
Stern - C1
You remember reading somewhere that the best way to tame the dogs is by presenting yourself as the alpha. You make yourself as tall as possible and take on a stern look.
"DOWN, BOYS! SIT! BAD CHOMPS!" You say in a booming voice as you make your way to them. The crowd goes silent. They're all expecting you to get torn to pieces by Chomp Country, but, surprisingly, it works! Okay, step one is done. You've calmed them down - now what's your next move?
Hit - C2
Okay, taking on the persona of a stern master has worked so far. Now it's time to really solidify your alpha status! You approach the two Chomps and… bop one of them on the nose? Do Chain Chomps have noses? I don't know. I guess that's a question for W. P. Hoodington.
Anyways, it turns out that was a terrible move! Striking them does not prove you're the alpha; instead, it simply pisses them off. You realize you've made a terrible mistake when you see them snarling at you. You try to turn and run away, but it's too late. The two Chomps lunge at you, furiously biting you and slamming you down. You've learned a very painful lesson. Never strike a giant metal ball because you think they work the same as dogs!
Fetch - C2
Okay, you've got them calmed down and distracted, but what do dogs like? How can you get them out of this ring? THAT'S IT! A game of fetch! Dogs love fetch! You'll simply throw something out of the ring and they'll jump out and get it!
Wait, shoot, you don't actually have anything to throw! There's a real fly in this ointment. But wait a second… Chain Chomps are pretty dumb! You can probably just trick them into thinking you do have something! You decide it's worth a try.
You pretend that you have a ball and throw it! Success! The two Red Chomps lunge towards the imaginary ball! You're gonna win this! There's just one slight problem… The Red Chomps are on a chain attached to a post. They can't actually stretch out far enough to go out of the ring…
Also, they're pissed at you for attempting to deceive them! The mauling you get teaches you a very valuable lesson. Red Chomps hate being lied to!
Pet - C2
Okay, so you've given the Red Chomps the stick, so to speak. Now it's time to give them the carrot. You walk towards the heeling Chomps and start petting them. While they don't have ears, you'd like to think that you're petting the spot that would be ears. This is working like a charm - they love the pets! Their chains are bouncing up and down, which you assume is the equivalent of a dog wagging its tail.
They aren't even trying to fight, now. You think the fight is over and, honestly, so does the referee. He goes to ring the bell on the grounds that Chomp Country aren't attempting to fight anymore, but Grubba rises from his seat and stops him, saying that, since you haven't actually knocked out or ringed out Chomp Country, the fight is still going.
That's stupid, you think to yourself! They're clearly not trying to fight anymore! Okaaaay, think! How can we either knock them out or ring them out?
Pain - C3
It looks like you don't have any choice. You're gonna have to bring the pain down on these Chomps. You decide on a strategy. The one on your left? You're going to punch with all your might, knocking it out. Then? Then you'll immediately launch a kick with all your might into the one on the right, knocking both of them out immediately! You wind up, punching the left Chomp right in the face and… it's a big mistake! Here's what happens.
1. You do not knock him out
2. As it turns out, Chain Chomps are giant metal balls, and you just broke your hand punching this one. Even worse, this was your writing hand.
3. Chomp Country are now pissed and start attacking you, thrashing you about.
You barely manage to escape by rolling out of the ring for a ring-out loss. Your writing hang is thoroughly broken and by the time it heals enough for you to write about your experience in the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT, everybody has completely moved on. While the article is accepted, it gets no traffic and not even a single SOTM vote.
Argue - C3
Quite frankly, you think Grubba is wrong. You've clearly sapped the wills of both Chomps in Chomp Country. You think this should be registered as a KO victory since Chomp Country do not want to fight you.
You decide to calmly tell Grubba these facts, and, by calmly, I mean you start screaming at Grubba. Now Grubba is no punk, and he's not just gonna sit there and let you yell at him, so he starts yelling back. Let me tell you, the jawing back and forth between you two gets intense. For a second, it looks like Grubba is going to get in the ring to fight you! But before he can climb in, you, in the heat of passion and anger, actually leave the ring to get in his face! By the time you realize what you've done, it's too late and you can only watch on in horror as Chomp Country are declared the winners.
Angry over what happened, you decide to write an article for The 'Shroom about how Grubba's ruling cost you the match and the tournament. And let me tell, you this was a mistake!
Before you wrote the article, I'd say it was 50/50 split between people who agreed with you and who agreed with Grubba, but this article makes you look like nothing but a big salty baby and your reputation craters. Try as you might, you'll never be able to live down the fact that lost your cool and cost yourself a victory in the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT and then doubled down on it by writing the journalistic equivalent of a temper tantrum for The 'Shroom.
Release - C3
Alright, so you have to either knock out or ring out these Chomps. Now, how are you going to do that? They're pretty docile right now, so you think about trying to knock them out, but you start thinking about it and you realize that Chain Chomps are made of metal. You put two and two together and come to the conclusion that trying to knock them out is probably going to result in you breaking something, so that option is out.
Okay so how about a ring out? Now the problem with that is, right now, you've got these Chomps thinking you're the alpha dog and they're attached to posts. But maybe if you release them from their posts, it'll be like when you leave the back gate open. No matter how loyal the dog, 90% of them will run out that gate like an asshole!
You decide to risk it and you Mario 64 butt stomp the posts into the arena floor The good news is that it worked! Upon being freed from their posts, the Red Chomps start freaking out and thrashing all over the place. The bad news is… Well, it worked, and the Red Chomps are on a rampage. It's all you can do to avoid being caught on in their rampage, but you do avoid it and the Red Chomps do end up thrashing out of the ring as security comes bursting into the arena to try and stop Chomp Country from attacking the audience members.
It might not have been what you would call the sexiest win, but, hey, you know what they say. A win's a win, and you're onto the finals of the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT.
You head back to the locker room, preparing yourself for the big one.
RAWK THE HOUSE
You head towards the interview, nervous about the championship. You've got one more interview to pump up the crowd for this championship match. But… wait a second.
What's this? You get to the interview and there's somebody different interviewing not you, but Rawk Hawk. Wait a second… Is that Koohitsu!?! Oh man, it is her! She used to write Monthly Inquisition for Fake News! You used to love that section! You had heard she left for better things after a pay dispute with MCD, but you didn't realize she was on television doing interviews for Glitz Pit!
You listen in close to hear the interview, "Grubba I'm here with Glitz Pit champion Rawk Hawk. Rawk, many out there, including myself, consider you a heavy favorite to win the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT! Tell me champ, is there any way you could lose this match against the Great Gonzales?" she asks.
Rawk Hawks grabs the microphone from her. "Yawnnnnnnnnnn! This whole tournament has been a snoozefest, Koohitsu. I tried warning Grubba that this was gonna happen. I told him that he might as well cancel the tournament, 'cause there isn't a single fighter out there who can compete with the 34-inch pythons of Rawk Hawk, uhn!To tell you the truth Koohitsu, I'm bored! There hasn't been a single fight that has even proven to be just a little bit challenging. And now I gotta go into the finals and face off against this Great Gonzales? Not even that bum Koopinator? I mean, I'd never lose to Koopinator, but at least he might make me work up a sweat!"
"But this Great Gonzales is nothing but a scrawny little punk who managed to luck into a few victories. He thinks he can face off against me? The man who conquered Glitz Pit, the heir apparent to Grubba, the man who ran off Prince Mush? He thinks he can stand toe-to-toe with the overwhelming might of Rawk Hawk? Uhn, Koohitsu, I hope the Great Gonzales uses these few minutes before the bell rings to evaluate his life decisions, because If he knows what's good for him, he won't he show up in the ring unless he's looking to get RAWKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKED!"
With that, Rawk Hawk enters the ring as the crowd chants "RAWK! RAWK! RAWK!"
Koohitsu turns to the camera. "As you can see, Grubba, nothing has dampened Rawk Hawk's confidence. This is Koohitsu, Rawk Hawk's personal interviewer, turning it back to you," she says, returning the broadcast to the commentary desk.
Rawk Hawk Promos (A)
After Rawk Hawk finishes his interview, the sound of heavy metal hits the arena as Rawk Hawk enters the arena. Wordlessly and effortlessly, Koohitsu is replaced by regular interviewer Pine A. (I guess Koohitsu is just for Rawk Hawk :( ). You approach the stage again, ready for one last interview before your championship match!
"I am standing here live with the Great Gonzales, the newcomer who has captured the heart of Glitz Pit. Great Gonzales, I must say I am impressed! You've surpassed all expectations because there were, well, none! And you've made it all the way to the championship of the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT. But Great Gonzales, you've seen your opponent, the great Rawk Hawk, the current champion of the Glitz Pit, a man who some claim is the greatest fighter we've seen since Grubba announced his retirement. Tell me Great Gonzales, how do you hope to possibly compete against the overwhelming power of Rawk Hawk?"
Cut a cocky promo. Cut a technical promo. Cut a "passionate" promo.
Rawk Hawk Technical (A)
Feeling insulted over the fact that everyone is counting you out, you decide to give a detailed explanation about why you shouldn't be overlooked. "Pine A., if you look at this fight on paper, I would agree you'd probably conclude Rawk Hawk will win for sure. He's much bigger than me and his strength is like nothing I've ever seen before. It's true that if he gets ahold of me, I'm probably done for. But, Pine A., if you ask me, Rawk Hawk, for all his muscle, for all his skill, is making a crucial mistake."
"He's looking past me Pine A.," you continue, lingering on a pause to let the words sink in. "He thinks he's got the fight already wrapped up. Much like the people out in that crowd, he thinks I don't have a chance. Now, that's fine for them to think, but Rawk Hawk is making the biggest mistake a fighter can make. He's looking past his opponent! He's already imagining himself holding the trophy and having been crowned champion of another tournament. That means he's gonna be underestimating me, Pine A., and one thing I've learned over my four fights of experience is that you never want to underestimate your opponent. So I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna give it all I got, and, with any luck, I'm gonna walk out the champion!" Having said your piece, you leave to go to the ring.
Rawk Hawk Cocky (A)
You saunter on up to the mic, cool as a cucumber, letting the whole audience know you aren't worried at all!
"Let me tell ya something, Mr. TV Announcer. Throw out everything that overgrown chicken just said. Yeah, I heard him clucking around, talking about his muscle, talking down the fights he's won, talking about how he's run off so-and-so with a yick yick yick and a yuck yuck yuck. But it don't mean nothing, Mr. TV Announcer, 'cause that clucking rooster has never fought a fighter quite like me. Tell ya what I'm gonna do, Mr. TV Announcer, I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna stand toe-to-toe with him. I'm gonna look him right in the eyes and I'm gonna pluck those feathers of his. By the time I'm done with him, there won't be a single feather left of those luscious locks of his. So take one last good look at him, Mr. TV Announcer, 'cause next time you see that yellow-bellied chicken, he's gonna be bald as an egg!" To add insult to injury, after you give your scathing interview, you enter the ring strutting like a rooster!
Rawk Hawk Passionate (A)
"RAWK HAWK, YOU MIGHT BE THE CHAMPION AND YOU MIGHT HAVE THOSE 34-INCH PYTHONS YOU CALL ARMS AND THOSE ABS OF STEEL, BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, RAWK HAWK! YOU MIGHT HAVE THE STRENGTH OUTSIDE, BUT I'VE GOT THE STRENGTH INSIDE. AND WHEN WE GET IN THAT RING, MY INSIDE STRENGTH IS GONNA BE WORTH TEN TIMES YOUR OUTSIDE STRENGTH. YOU'RE GONNA SEE, RAWK HAWK! BY THE TIME THIS FIGHT IS OVER ,YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOURSELF CRUSHED BY MY SUPERIOR STRENGTH!"
Rawk Hawk Fight! (A)
You watch from backstage as Rawk Hawk makes his entrance. This entrance has everything! Pyro! Crowd singing! An electric guitar! The crowd loves Rawk Hawk! When they aren't singing his entrance music, they're chanting "Rawk Hawk! Rawk Hawk! Rawk Hawk!". Comparatively, when you make your entrance, the reaction is pretty muted. There are some cheers, but two things are clear. First, you haven't exactly impressed during this tournament. Two, nobody, perhaps not even your mom, thinks you have a chance in this match. After you enter the ring, the crowd goes back to cheering on Rawk Hawk. The sound is deafening, 20,000 people chanting "Rawk Hawk! Rawk Hawk! Rawk Hawk!".
Finally, the crowd settles down as the announcer mic steps forwards to the middle of the ring.
"THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS THE GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT FINAL MATCH! INTRODUCING FIRST, FROM GLITZ PIT WITH A RECORD OF 55 WINS AND 1 LOSS, HE IS THE REIGNING GLITZ PIT CHAMPION, THE GOLDEN GRANDSTANDER, RAWK HAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWK!"
"AND HIS OPPONENT, FROM NEW WIKISBURG, REPRESENTING THE SHROOM WITH A WIN LOSS RECORD OF 4 WINS AND 0 LOSSES, THE SURPRISE OF THE TOURNAMENT, THE GREAT GONZALESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"
The arrogant Rawk Hawk begins posing for the crowd, causing them to explode. Seeing this ,you try to gain the crowd's affection by flexing those pecs. But… Let's just say there's a tiny difference between you and Rawk Hawk…
The bell rings and Rawk Hawk grins. Walking towards you, he extends his arms out, daring you to grab them.
Don't Grab - RA1
Well that's an obvious trap if you've ever seen one. I mean, what kind of idiot does Rawk Hawk take you for? You bring your hands up, pretending like you're going to grab his arms before totally punking him. You even gesture to the crowd like "look at this asshole". As you're showboating, Rawk Hawk just shrugs.You turn around and Rawk Hawk backhands you, sending you flying out of the ring. Maybe next time you won't celebrate so much after a single punking!
Grab - RA1
Ah, the ole test of strength spot. You've heard about this! You decide that, screw it, you're game. You grab onto Rawk Hawk's hands, applying as much force as you can. You're giving it all you've got, straining when you peek up at Rawk Hawk, who looks bored out of his mind. "Uh-oh," you think to yourself as Rawk Hawk begins squeezing your hands tightly. The pain is intense. You gotta do something fast to get out of this hold!
Scissors - RA2
Desperate and nearly passing out, you realize that you're not gonna make it very long. You jump up, locking your legs onto Rawk Hawk's shoulders. From there, you manage to get them around Rawk Hawk's head and begin trying to choke him out. But in doing so, you actually play right into Rawk Hawk's hands. He lifts you up high in the air and SLAMS YOU DOWN ON THE RING! Then he lifts you up and SLAMS YOU INTO THE RING! Over and over he slams you into the ring until your back gives out and you pass out.
All things considered, it was a great showing. I mean ,you went from a nobody to a championship finalist. You got some good publicity out of it and became a pretty hot commodity in the journalism world. Still, you can't help but think how cool it would have been to become champion.
Reverse - RA2
OKAY, DON'T PANIC! I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE! YOU GOTTA REVERSE THE PRESSURE OF THE HOLD! THAT'LL REVERSE THE PAIN BACK TO RAWK HAWK! QUICKLY, YOU GOTTA REVERSE THE PRESSURE!
Taking my advice, you begin trying to reverse the hold, confident that, if you can just do that, it'll be Rawk Hawk who is nearing submission! You attempt to reverse his grip, which… doesn't work and… oh, no, you're in just as much pain as you were!
Wait, wait, wait a minute…
Well, this is awkward. See, turns out I got it wrong. You reverse the pressure on a Figure Four Leg Lock, not a Test of Strength. You know what? That's my bad. Why don't you go ahead and have this free try again on me?
Stomach - RA2
With few options and in intense pain, you jump up and deliver a stiff kick right to the stomach of Rawk Hawk. It works! Well, it works for a second, anyways.
Unfortunately, as you're nursing your sore hands, Rawk Hawk goes back on the attack. He begins pounding away on you, dishing out heavy strikes and seemingly unfazed by your feeble attempts to fight back. Luckily for you, Rawk Hawk stops your beating momentarily to pose for the crowd. Quick, now's your chance! You gotta do something!
Jawbreaker - RA3
You leap to your feet, jumping at Rawk Hawk's face. Your plan? To grab ahold of Rawk Hawk and drive his head right into knees. Hopefully doing so will stun him, giving you the chance to finally go on the offensive.
Unfortunately, Rawk Hawk is a very good fighter and he completely sees this coming. He manages to catch you in the middle of the air, turning your jawbreaker into a modified power slam. You feel the full force of the slam on your back as Rawk Hawk stands by, posing to the crowd. You realize you quite simply don't have anything for Rawk Hawk, so you decide to surrender to avoid further punishment.
The crowd hates it, and who could blame them? I mean, you're fully capable of still fighting. You're just choosing not to fight on. Truthfully, you hate it as well. After all, you came all this way and got so close only to surrender when you were still capable of standing? Bad form. You never really get over this loss. The memory of Rawk Hawk standing over you, posing as you looked on crying, never leaves your memory.
Superkick - RA3
You launch your leg at Rawk Hawk, hoping to catch him by surprise. But much to your surprise, Rawk Hawk saw this coming! He easily catches your leg, picking you up, spinning around, and throwing you out of the ring.
You end your tournament battered and bruised, only able to look up as you see a truly superior fighter posing in the ring with the championship trophy you so desperately wanted.
Eye - RA3
In desperate times like this, it's time to play dirty. You jump up and jam your thumb into Rawk Hawk's eyes, half-blinding him. As he stumbles around with his eye throbbing, you shove him out of the ring. The crowd is shocked, absolutely shocked. You don't even get a rousing cheer because they're just so surprised that you pulled this off.
Honestly, I know you don't want to hear this, but they aren't surprised in a good way, either. Not only did you deprive them of their preferred champion, but you did it in a sneaky and underhanded way. Confetti begins to fall as Grubba enters the ring, reluctantly declaring you the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPION. You're given the trophy, the publicity, and the fame, but it all feels sort of hollow. Throughout the crowd and throughout the audiences watching on PPV, there are murmurs that you're a paper champion, a champion who only won the tournament through luck.
While, yes, you get some respect, including being invited to various big Glitz Pit events as a former GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPION, it's clear that you're only being invited as a formality. It's clear none of your peers really respect you as a champion. Your tournament win goes down as one of the most-forgotten in the history of Glitz Pit, really only remembered when it's placed on worst championship lists. But, hey, the worst Glitz Pit champion was still a Glitz Pit champion, and nobody can ever take that away from you!
Could this have ended differently? What if you started over from right after your first tournament match? Play again from Rogueport.
Bandy Andy Revisited
You still have some time before your next match, so you decide to have a chat with Bandy Andy.
"Heh heh heh... Your curiosity finally got the better of you, Gonzales? I see it on your face, you wanna help me investigate the Seven Wonders of the Glitz Pit. Right now, I'm looking at two of them. Tell me which one strikes your interest.
They say...there's a sealed wall in the minor-league locker room... Some say...the remains of fallen athletes are stored in there...
They say...there's a room in the Glitz Pit with a second floor but no stairs... They say...no one has ever gone upstairs... And some say...that groaning voices sometimes come from that second floor..."
Don't Investigate
"Oh, you changed your mind? Guess I'll see you in the ring then, heh heh heh..."
Stairs Of Mystery
"You wanna check out the stairs? Heh heh... I was hoping you'd say that. It's a good one. C'mon, follow me."
Against your better judgment, you follow Bandy Andy to the Glitz Pit's storage room. "This is where they say the second floor is. There's gotta be some way to get up there," he says.
The two of you search around, until you uncover a hidden switch! "Nice one, Gonzales! Since you found it, I'll give you the honor of pushing the button."
You give the switch a good push, and a hidden staircase pops out of the wall! You and Bandy Andy cautiously climb it... and find Grubba at the top!
"Gonzales? Bandy Andy? What in tarnation are the two of you doin' up here?"
"Heh heh heh heh heh... Sorry Grubba, we were just-"
"Now now, I don't want none of yer excuses. I'm sorry I have to do this, but I can't let you go around spreadin' what's really happenin' 'round here. I can't say either of you are prime candidates for a power drain, but I s'pose it'll do."
With that, your Glitz Pit career - not to mention everything else - comes to an unfortunate end. Maybe you shouldn't have stuck your nose where it didn't belong and kept to fighting in the tournament.
Sealed Wall
"You wanna check out the sealed wall? Heh heh... I was hoping you'd pick the stairs, but that's a good one too. Hey, remind me to tell you about the man-eating toilet sometime. Anyway, follow me."
Against your better judgment, you follow Bandy Andy to the currently unoccupied minor-league locker room.
"Hmm... This wall seems a little weak. Do me a favor Gonzales, just stand right there for a second."
Unbreakable Wall
"You're really testing my patience... Just do it!"
Wall Ball
You begrudgingly stand right where Bandy Andy tells you to... "Okay, perfect. This will only hurt for a second."
Before you have a chance to react to that statement, Bandy Andy suddenly body slams you into the wall! You crash through and fall flat on your back, surrounded by rubble.
"Sorry about that, heh heh heh. Just needed some extra oomph."
You dust yourself off as Bandy Andy helps you up. You look behind you, finally seeing the secret room that you just broke open. Thankfully, there's no dead fighters, but you did uncover a locked box!
"Wow... A box! If it was hidden back there, I bet there's some real good secrets in here, heh heh heh... It's almost time for your next match though, isn't it? Why don't you head off, and by the time you're done I'll have this cracked open."
What's In The Box?
You're really curious about what's in the box, and you're pretty sure that the two of you can crack it in no time! You start trying to pry open the box, and it kind of looks like it's close to being opened.
"It's okay Gonzales, I have the skills to do this myself. If you don't leave for your match soon, Grubba's gonna be mad..."
Well... okay, resign to finding out later and go to your match. No, open the dang box!
Unboxing
You confidently brush off Bandy Andy's concerns and keep working on the box. Unfortunately, it takes a lot more time than you expected...
Suddenly, you're snapped out of the lockpicking zone by the sound of the locker room door swinging open, followed by Grubba's voice.
"Whoa nelly, Gonzales! I've been lookin' all over for you, you're late for yer next match! The Iron Adonis Twins are hoppin' mad, and-"
The sudden pause makes you realize he probably just saw what the two of you did to his locker room.
"GREAT GALLOPIN' GULPITS! What in the diggety-dang tarnation have you two been up to?! What do you think you are, some kinda Wreckin' Crew?"
"Grubba! Heh heh heh... You see, we're-"
"I don't want to hear none of yer yappin', Andy! I'm sorry about all this, but I can't let you find out what's in that box."
With that, your Glitz Pit career - not to mention everything else - comes to an unfortunate end. Maybe you shouldn't have stuck your nose where it didn't belong and kept to fighting in the tournament.
Match Prep
You leave Bandy Andy to open the box, heading back into the locker room to get prepared for your match. As you enter, you see a scrumptious-looking cake on the table with King K., who seems to be eyeing it. There's a little note on the cake.
To: The Great Gonzales From: The Iron Adonis Twins - Good luck in our upcoming match!
Aw, that's sweet. They baked you a cake as a sign of sportsmanship!
Then Let Them Eat Cake
Looking at the delicious chocolate cake in front of you, you can't help but greedily scarf down the whole thing. The rich coconut flavor, the creamy chocolate filling, oh it's so good! It's the best cake you've ever had. You gotta remember to thank the Armored Harriers for this cake and get the recipe.
You finish the last bite, a little embarrassed about how much you ate. You get up to go to your fight and, suddenly, your stomach turns. You can barely stand because it's cramping so much. You lay on the ground as your stomach feels like it's being shredded. You realize only too late that this cake wasn't a nice gesture! The secret ingredient that made it so delicious? Poison!
Cheat Meal
You probably shouldn't eat a rich cake before a fight; that sounds like a recipe for being bloated and sluggish from having a full stomach! But man, this cake does look good! Ah screw it, you tell yourself, one slice can't hurt!
You cut yourself a slice of the cake and sit down and eat it. The cake is delicious, the chocolate and coconut compliment each other immensely. After your slice, you head towards your fight. You enter the ring and the bell rings when, suddenly, you hear a gurgle in your stomach and you're met with intense stomach pain.
You fall to your knees, trying to figure out what's happening. But don't worry, you don't linger on it for very long because one of the Armored Harries slams his spike into you full force! That plus your stomach pain cause you to completely collapse. Hmmm… Maybe it wasn't such a smart move to eat a cake left for you by your opponent…
Sugar Free
You look at the cake, and, man, it does look good. But you've got a fight coming up and it is swimsuit season. You decide you really don't need all that sugar, and that, while it was a lovely gesture, you're going to pass on the cake. Instead, you head into the changing/shower rooms to prepare for your match.
Armored Harriers Promos
You leave the changing room to head to your next fight, deciding to ignore the cake. As you go on your way, you see a large commotion going on in the locker room. Peeking into the locker room, you see King K. passed out where the cake once was, a cake which is now little more than crumbs. Foam bubbles from his mouth as medical personnel surround him. You hear people murmuring about how the Armored Harriers are up to their old tricks again and how they can't believe they would stoop to poisoning an opponent. You also hear that Grubba has ruled that, since nobody can prove the Armored Harriers intended to poison you, the fight will still be going on!
You're outraged as you head to your pre-match interview, having only narrowly avoided this potential poisoning. Much to your shock, the Armored Harriers are currently doing their interview! You try to rush the stage but are held back by the security staff, who tell you not to pick a fight outside the ring. You're forced to watch their interview.
"Armored Harriers," Pine A. says, frowning. "I must say it's a great disappointment to see you back again. We had all hoped that, after your last loss, you would be leaving for good. And it sounds like you're up to your old tricks again. Tell me, what is your response to the charges that you tried to poison your current opponent?" a disgusted Pine A. asks.
The Armored Harriers step forward, with Red taking the mic.
"That's right, Pine A., We are back! You thought you got rid of us for good! Ha! Nothing could get rid of us! We're back and we're here to stay, so get used to it! We've spent the last few months doing the most rigorous training you could imagine, and, as you can tell by our shine and sharpness, it's paid off. We're stronger, sharper, and more indestructible than ever! Go ahead, look at our bodies - pure iron! You can see yourself reflected in us, Pine A. I mean, not that you'd want to. But look close and you can see there isn't a single scratch on these bodies! They're as pristine as when they were first smelted. In fact, we're so much stronger now that the name Armored Harriers just isn't going to cut it anymore. From now on you, the boys in the back, and all those hicks out there can call us by our real names, the Iron Adonis Twins. Now, as for the charges that we tried to "poison" our opponent, let me clear something up. This is just a silly misunderstanding. See, me and Green thought we'd be nice guys and bake a little welcome cake for our opponent, and Green over here read the expiration date on the eggs wrong, isn't that right, Green?"
"Yeah, sure thing, Red. Probably should have worn my glasses, haha," laughs Green.
"So ya see, Pine A., there ain't no reason to level such charges against us! As if we'd need to cheat to beat a real weakling like the Great Gonzales! We were even planning on taking it easy on him, but since he's gone around boo-hooing about a mix up… let me tell you this, if this stinkwad enters the ring against the unstoppable Iron Adonis Twins, they're going to be leaving in a stretcher!" With that, the twins look at you menacingly as they head to the ring.
After that interview full of lies and falsehoods, the newly-dubbed Iron Adonis Twins head to the ring to the booing of the crowd. You're then ushered onto the interview stage, where Pine A. begins his interview with you. "I'm here live with the surprise of the tournament, the upstart from New Wikisburg, the Great Gonzales. Great Gonzales, how can you possibly hope to defeat the indestructible Iron Adonis Twins?"
Cut a cocky promo. Cut a technical promo. Cut a "passionate" promo.
Adonis Cocky
Completely unfazed by those boasts, you simply grab the mic from Pine A. "Now listen here Mr. TV Announcer, all tournament I've had to listen to those two rockheads brag and boast about being made of iron, talking about being indestructible with a yick yick yick and a yuck yuck yuck. But I'm here to tell ya, Mr. TV Announcer, they ain't nothing but sediment! They tried to poison me, Mr. TV Announcer! That's the ultimate compliment if you ask me, 'cause it ain't nothing but them acknowledging the truth, Mr. TV Announcer! They ain't got no chance of beating the Great Gonzales once we get in that ring. Here's what's gonna happen, Mr. TV Announcer. I'm gonna get in that ring. I'm gonna grab those two rockheads and I'M GONNA SMASH THEM TOGETHER TILL THEY'RE NOTHING BUT GRAVEL. YA HEAR THAT, ROCKHEADS? WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, YA AIN'T GONNA BE FIT FOR NOTHING BUT MAKING ROADS!" With your threats made, you saunter onto the ring, confident in your ability to make good on said threats.
Adonis Technical
Still upset about the attempted poisoning, you begin your interview by making one thing clear. "Now, I wanna make one thing very clear, Pine A. I do not agree with the methods of these Iron Adonis Twins. I find them to be dirty and against the good spirit of Glitz Pit competition. With that said, I must acknowledge that they are quality fighters whose tactics, I believe, are beneath them. Now, to the claims that they are indestructible, I find those hard to believe. It is true, yes, that their bodies are made of hard rock, allegedly boosted by radiation from the moon. And yes, their spikes are sharpened down to the finest point known to man, but I believe they've got a weakness they're trying to protect. Underneath that bluster, they know exactly what their Achilles heel is. That heel is their soft underbelly. Pine A. All i gotta do is get them on their backs and I'll be able to cave in that soft underbelly of theirs, giving me the victory". Having stated exactly what you plan to do, you head to the ring.
Adonis Passionate
Enraged beyond belief, you grab the mic. "IRON ADONIS TWINS, YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE! THIS ISN'T JUST A MATCH ANYMORE! YOU HAVE RUINED LIVES! I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT MINE, BUT EVERYONE IN THE RING! YOU'RE OUT TO HURT PEOPLE, BUT THIS TIME YOU GOT ME KEEPING MY EYES ON YOU! YOU SAY YOU'RE INVULNERABLE, BUT WHEN YOU MOVE-! WHEN YOU MOVE-! PINE A., WHEN THEY MOVE! OH, IF I ONLY HAD TIME!" Having finished a truly incomprehensible rant, you storm into the ring, but the crowd is going nuts, so I guess it was a success?
Iron Adonis Twins Fight!
Backstage in Gorilla Position (Gorilla Position is a term used to describe the area you sit in before a match), you watch the Iron Adonis Twins enter and… Wow, the crowd hates them! They're throwing things at them as they're entering. This is some intense heat.
You begin to enter the ring and the crowd blows up! They're cheering you! It's a pretty good reaction for somebody with only two fights under their belt. You figure they're cheering less for you and more for the fact that they hope you kick the Iron Adonis Twins' asses. You enter the ring and the announcer mic comes forward to do introductions, but Red of the Iron Adonis Twins steps forward and stomps him!
"WE ARE THE IRON ADONIS TWINS! WE'RE BACK AND WE'RE STRONGER THAN EVER. NOW, A LOT OF YOU IN THE BACK ARE EXPRESSING DOUBT ABOUT OUR INDESTRUCTIBILITY, TALKING ABOUT PAST DEFEATS. WELL, THE PAST IS THE PAST AND WE'RE HERE TO PROVE WE'RE THE INDESTRUCTIBLE IRON ADONIS TWINS, SO HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO. GREAT GONZALES, WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU THE FIRST SHOT! COME ON, TAKE IT! TAKE IT!" He screams into the mic, gesturing wildly at you with his, uh… feet.
Shot - I1
You're so sick of these so-called Iron Adonis Twins! First they poison you! Then they go on and on about being indestructible, and now they think so little of you that they're gonna give you a free shot! You know what? If they're gonna give you a free shot, you're gonna make them pay! You're gonna shut these jerks up once and for all.
You wind up like an anime protagonist focusing all your energy before landing the most powerful punch of your life right into the smug face of Red.
Aaaaaaaand… You break the fuck out of your hand. Like, it's really broken. I'm not even sure it'll heal properly after surgery, that kind of badly broken! Despite this, you still manage to keep fighting, but, unfortunately you're a one armed man in a slugfest and you're eventually overwhelmed and defeated. It looks like, sadly, you're not the hero the people need…
Taunt - I1
You look at Red and Green, their smug faces and all that pride in their iron bodies, and you just begin laughing. Like, we're talking rolling on the floor laughing. You can see the fury in their faces as you grab the mic.
"You think you're indestructible? Oh, that's rich. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna beat you without even laying a hand on you," you say as you take a defense position, still chuckling. By this point, even the crowd is laughing along with you at the Iron Adonis Twins.
Green of the Iron Adonis Twins can't take this humiliation anymore. "YOU THINK YOU'RE BAD? I'LL CRUSH YOU," he yells as he leaps high in the air, planning on slamming down on top of you.
Stand - I2
'Little do they know that this was all a trick, you think to yourself. They've fallen right into your trap! Your plan all along was to make them angry so they'd do something stupid. You knew you'd never be able to actually harm them! I mean, they're made of Iron! Do you have any idea how strong Iron is? So your plan was to get one in a vulnerable position and then to throw them at the other one! That's how, just like the 2023 Iowa Hawkeyes, you're gonna turn this fight into a big old rockfight!
As Green falls, you get in position to catch him, but it turns out that iron isn't just strong. It's also pretty heavy! So Green just lands on you, crushing you. Maybe you shouldn't have made your plans based on your ability to catch roughly 1000 pounds of falling metal?
Dodge - I2
"Wait a second, this is just the last fight," you think to yourself as Green of the Iron Adonis Twins drops on you. He's falling a lot faster than the Goombas did and you're pretty sure he'd hurt a lot more, but, luckily for you, you did ten years of gymnastics as a child, so you decide to give the audience a little show by handstanding out of the way. Green crashes into the ground as the audience goes wild. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Red fire a spike.
Catch - I3
"This is perfect," you think to yourself. You'll catch the spike, spin around, and throw the spike back at Red! This should be enough force to crack his iron, which will make it a lot easier to damage him. At least, that's true according to the complicated algorithm based on gravity and physics that you've come up with in your head!
Just one problem arises. It turns out that you don't know a lot about physics or momentum, because you fail to catch the spike. Instead, it impales your hand! You fall to your knees, screaming in pain and surrendering immediately. Maybe next time you'll remember you majored in journalism with a minor in political science, not physics!
Dodge - I3
The spike is barreling towards you at an intense speed, but you notice that, if it misses you, there's a good chance it'll hit Green. So with all the grace of a man who spent three years hanging out in tango bars in his late teens and early twenties, you spin out of the way of the spike.
The spike hits Green, getting stuck in him. "WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YA IDIOT," Green yells at Red. The two start bickering as you take a sarcastic bow. The crowd is eating this up, by the way. Seeing your bow and the crowd exploding with laughter, the two become furious beyond belief. This time, Green rushes you, intent on smashing you once and for all.
Grapple - I4
With Green running at you like an enraged animal, you come up with a plan. What you're going to do is this. You're going to squat down low and, when Green gets to you, you'll trap him in a bear hug and throw him right out of the arena. Sure enough, the plan works. You manage to get under Green and you prepare to use his own momentum to throw him out as you him out of the ring.
Unfortunately, while you have him in your grasp, he activates his spikes, impaling you, and let me tell you something! Those spikes hurt like the dickens! You fall to your knees, the Toad equivalent of blood everywhere. You're rushed back to the medical tent for medical attention. Don't worry, you make a full recovery, but you never enter the fight pit again!
Olé - I4
Seeing Green snarling like a bull gives you an idea! "Olé," you say as you spin out of the way, clapping your hands together. You do that a few more times, with Green trying to give chase as you spin out of his way every time. You begin waving a pretend flag, pretending you're bullfighting as you easily (and gracefully!) dodge Green. The crowd loves this! You're making a fool out of one of their most-hated teams! Finally, Red can't take any further humiliation. He pops out his spikes and charges, telling you that he and Green will hit you with everything they've got!
Jump - I5
You instantly see the flaw in their plan, realizing that the two, rushing you like mindless animals controlled only by their anger, will crash into each other if you just get out of the way. You decide you want to end this fight in the most stylish way possible, and what's more stylish than defeating your opponents like the legendary hero, Mario?
You jump into the air as high as possible, confident that you'll see chunks of rocks flying before you land. One problem strikes, though! It turns out you're not Mario! You can't actually jump that high. So, yeah you jump as high as you can, but that's not very high and you end up landing back down before the two collide. You can only panic as the two very angry, very powerful rocks smash into you, breaking nearly every bone in your body. As you lay in a heap, I'll impart to you some legendary wrestling advice. "Do Not Do Shit You Don't Know How To Do!"
Dodge - I5
You instantly see the flaw in their plan, realizing that the two, rushing you like mindless animals controlled only by their anger, will crash into each other if you just get out of the way. You decide you want to end this fight in the most stylish way possible! You squat your knees down with a grin as, right before the two rockheads smash into you, you begin backflipping.
You backflip all the way down the ring as the Iron Adonis Twins full-speed crash into each other. You end your routine with the splits as both Iron Adonis Twins begin to crack, falling down unconscious. You're declared the winner by knockout as the crowd explodes. You've slain the most hated competitor in all of Glitz Pit. You're heading to the semi-finals as the people's hero!
A Juicy Mystery
After a thrilling victory against the Iron Adonis Twins, you return to the locker room. When you open your locker, you find a mysterious letter written in a ransom note style telling you to come to the Fresh Juice Shop. For some reason, you feel like you should comply, and hopefully you'll leave with your kidneys intact. When you arrive, you're greeted by... Jolene?
"Gonzales? I have something from you from Bandy Andy," she says, slipping you an envelope. "A lot of fighters have been seemingly disappearing lately, Gonzales. Be careful in there."
Following that ominous warning, Jolene leaves behind you. There's not many other people around, so you open the envelope up and find some papers inside. They appear to be schematics for some kind of power-draining machine, but you're not able to work out the specifics. But why was this hidden in the Glitz Pit? You stuff them away in your pocket and return to the tournament.
On your way back to the locker room, you're stopped in the hall by Grubba!
"Well howdy, Gonzales! Say, I couldn't help but notice you and Jolene leavin' the juice bar just now. Maybe it ain't none of my business, but I can't help but be curious as to what you two were talkin' about!"
About secret documents About hot gossip! "It's none of your business!" About the Glitz Pit
Keep Secrets A Secret
For some reason, you decide it's a good idea to tell Grubba that you were talking about secret documents you found in the Glitz Pit.
"Secret documents? Maybe this is a conversation we'd better have in my office, Gonzales..."
You follow Grubba to his office and tell him everything about how you and Bandy Andy found the documents, even handing them over to him to look at, thinking maybe you've found some great secret that even he didn't know about and you'll get in his good graces, or something.
"Well now, Gonzales... Truth is, these documents were never meant for anyone else's eyes to begin with! I'd warn you 'bout snoopin' around where you shouldn't be, but it's a bit late for that now, isn't it?"
That didn't go the way you plan, but really, what did you expect was going to happen? That was really dumb! And so your Glitz Pit run came to a tragic end, and your 'Shroom writer career, and... everything else...
Cluck Cluck Get Plucked
The first thing that comes to your mind is hot gossip about the other fighters! You nervously stammer out the first thing you can think of, that one of the Goomba Bros. is actually adopted, hoping that he buys it.
"Gonzales, that's about the biggest load of manure I've ever heard! I happen to know none of them Goomba Bros. are related and that's just a stage name! Not like Gonzales is your real name, either. I think I oughta show you something..."
Grubba leads you into the currently unoccupied ring, revealing some sort of large machine - a perfect match for the design in the schematics that Bandy Andy found!
...
Oh.
Turns out, Grubba didn't buy that at all, and you ended up sticking your nose where you probably shouldn't have, and now you're the next candidate for a good old power drain. Whoops.
Nunya
You tell Grubba that it's none of his business! You may be signed on as a fighter here, but that doesn't give him the right to know about your personal life.
"I see. Well, if that's how you wanna go about it Gonzales, I s'pose that's yer choice. Say, I think I oughta show you something..."
Grubba leads you into the currently unoccupied ring, revealing some sort of large machine - a perfect match for the design in the schematics that Bandy Andy found!
...
Oh.
There probably wasn't much you could say that would make you look more suspicious than that, and Grubba easily figured out you were sticking your nose where it shouldn't be. Looks like you're the next candidate to get your power drained!
Generic
Caught off-guard, you throw out the most generic line possible, and tell him you were talking about the Glitz Pit. You might as well have said "stuff".
"That's not givin' me much to go off of, Gonzales! Could you be a little more specific?"
"We were talking about battle strategies." "We were talking about merch ideas." "We were talking about some mysterious happenings."
Battle Buddies?
You tell Grubba that you were consulting Jolene for battle strategies.
"I can't believe that, Gonzales! Jolene's a sharp cookie, but she ain't no professional fighter! And I gotta be honest, I've been watchin' all your matches and I don't think you're much for strategizin', no matter how much you run yer mouth off to that interviewer! Let me show you something, Gonzales."
Grubba leads you into the currently unoccupied ring, revealing some sort of large machine - a perfect match for the design in the schematics that Bandy Andy found!
...
Oh.
Turns out, Grubba didn't buy that at all, and you ended up sticking your nose where you probably shouldn't have, and now you're the next candidate for a good old power drain. Whoops.
The Mystery Is How You Survived This Long
You tell Grubba that the two of you were talking about some of the mysterious things happening around the Glitz Pit.
"I don't like that, Gonzales! Don't like it at all! Those are all just rumors, y'hear? And nasty rumors like that have got a way of scarin' people off! I'm sure you can see how spreadin' rumors around like that ain't good for business. Here, let me shed some light on things for you."
Grubba leads you into the currently unoccupied ring, revealing some sort of large machine - a perfect match for the design in the schematics that Bandy Andy found!
...
Oh.
Looks like you ended up sticking your nose where you probably shouldn't have, and now you're the next candidate for a good old power drain. Whoops.
Make Me Money!
You tell Grubba that you were talking about ideas for Great Gonzales merch, and suddenly a light in your brain goes on and you start coming up with a bunch of actual ideas that you list off for Grubba until he interrupts you.
"Hoo-wee! I gotta stop you there Gonzales, but I like the way yer brain is workin'! Yer next match is comin' up pretty soon, but how about you stop by my office sometime and we can get some of those ideas of yer's rollin'!"
Phew, he bought it. But now you really want to see that merch...
Koopinator Promos
Before your match, you're again ushered to the interview stage. With the cameras rolling, Glitz Pit interviewer Pine A. begins to do his interview.
"I'm here now live with the crowd-favorite Great Gonzales. Great Gonzales, you've come out of nowhere to take the Glitz Pit by storm. The entire arena is rooting for you in this semi-final match against the Koopinator, the Pride of the Koopa Kingdom. But tell me Great Gonzales, how do you plan to defeat such an experienced foe, a foe who has gone toe-to-toe with some of the toughest superstars we've seen in Glitz Pit?
Cut a cocky promo. Cut a technical promo. Cut a "passionate" promo.
Koopinator Cocky
Hearing who your opponent is, you can't believe your ears. "Koopinator? My opponent is Koopinator? Let me tell you something Mr. TV Announcer! Where does this Koopatrol get off having all this pride? Underneath that armor, he's nothing but a multi-time loser. They say he's gotten far, but what does that mean? He's finished runner-up or third a bunch of times? That just means he's a big loser turtle in a little pond of losers. He's never beaten Prince Mush! He's never beaten Rawk Hawk! And after tonight, he'll have never beaten me! He thinks his little armor is gonna provide himself some protection from me? Ha! Listen here, Mr. TV Announcer, when I get in that ring, I'm gonna cave in the suit of armor so badly he'll never be able to wear it again. YA HEAR THAT, KOOPINATOR, YA LOSER? WHEN THIS FIGHT'S OVER ,I'M GONNA BE HEADING TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP AND YOU'RE GONNA BE BEGGING FOR MONEY TO BUY A NEW SUIT OF ARMOR." Finishing up your promo, you strut to the ring, completely confident in your eventual victory.
Koopinator Technical
"Now Mr. Pine A., I will admit this fight will be tough. Koopinator is one of the strongest opponents in all of the Glitz Pit. A constant championship contender, while he's yet to win the big one, his résumé shows he's not one to be looked past. Despite wearing armor heavier than other Koopatrols, the Koopinator is as graceful in the ring as he is strong. Get too close and he can KO you with his mighty armor-backed headbutt. Try and keep your distance and he'll charge you with his spiked helmet. A beast of a man and one who is not to be looked past, but in his eyes I see desperation. I believe he's desperate to face off against Rawk Hawk again, desperate to prove he can be a champion. And desperation means mistakes! If I can draw the fight out long enough, I believe I can bait him into making a crucial error which will lead me to victory!"
Koopinator Passionate
"PRIDE? PRIDE? THE KOOPINATOR GOES AROUND TALKING ABOUT PRIDE! HE TALKS ABOUT HOW HE'S THE PRIDE OF THE KOOPA KINGDOM. WELL, THEY SAY PRIDE MIGHT BE ONE OF THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS, BUT LISTEN UP KOOPINATOR! YOU MIGHT BE THE PRIDE OF THE KOOPA KINGDOM, BUT I'M THE PRIDE OF NEW WIKISBURG, THE PRIDE OF THE SHROOM. THAT'S RIGHT! ZANGE, ANTON, RHG1951, THE PRIDE OF EVERYONE IN THE SHROOM, AND WE'RE GONNA GET IN THAT RING KOOPINATOR, AND WE'RE GONNA PUT OUR PRIDES NEXT TO EACH OTHER AND WE'LL JUST SEE WHICH PRIDE IS STRONGER!!!" After that semi-coherent rant, you climb into the ring.
Koopinator Fight!
You enter the ring to a loud reaction from the crowd. They're going nuts cheering for you. It's clear that defeating the Iron Adonis Twins has really raised your esteem in their eyes. Your opponent, The Koopinator, stands as rigid as a statue. His aura is intense and for a second it overwhelms you. It's clear that The Koopinator is not an opponent to be taken lightly, and probably won't fall for the emotional tricks your last two opponents did. The mic announcer steps forward.
"THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINAL MATCH! INTRODUCING FIRST, FROM THE KOOPA KINGDOM, WITH A WIN-LOSS RECORD OF 35 WINS AND 4 LOSSES, HE IS THE PRIDE OF THE KOOPA KINGDOM, KNOWN FAR AND WIDE AS THE RAZOR BLADE BRIGADIER, THE KOOPINATOOOOOORRRRRRRR!"
"AND HIS OPPONENT FROM NEW WIKISBURG, REPRESENTING THE SHROOM ,WITH A WIN-LOSS RECORD OF 3 WINS AND 0 LOSSES, DEFEATER OF THE INDESTRUCTIBLE, THE GREAT GONZALESSSSSSSSSSS!"
The crowd goes wild when your name is announced as The Koopinator bows to the audience. Before the bell rings, The Koopinator walks towards you, extending out his hand in a show of sportsmanship You stare at the extended hand for a second, a little unsure what to do.
Punk - K1
Who does the Koopinator think he is? Doesn't he realize you guys are here to fight? You have no interest in a respect-filled match. This tournament isn't some "la la land, everybody wins tournament", it's a fucking war! You decide to get your disgust across by slapping The Koopinator across the face! The crowd ooooooooohs after your slap as you play to the crowd.
The bell rings and a furious Koopinator immediately strikes you across the face with his armored forearm, sending you backwards. Before you can even start to recover from that vicious strike, The Koopinator drops into his shell and spins at you at full speed. He hits a head-on strike, sending you flying out of the arena. I guess next time you'll be a little more respectful, eh?
Sucker - K1
"Look at this dork," you think to yourself as you scoff. Doesn't he realize sportsmanship is dead? You decide to take advantage of The Koopinator's old-timey thinking by sucker punching him in the stomach. POW! You punch him in the stomach!
Uh, that's a big mistake, though, because, in your arrogance, you forgot one crucial detail. The Koopinator is wearing armor. You feel your hand crack upon hitting the metal. The bell rings and, as you recoil back in pain, The Koopinator hits you with a powerful clothesline ,sending you to the mat. With you downed, he picks you up and tosses you out of the ring. The crowd, who had loved you up until this point, turns on you thanks to the combination of your disgraceful sucker punch and your poor performance in this fight.
Luckily for you, your hand isn't broken, just sprained. But unluckily, The 'Shroom refuses to publish your article on the tournament, with Waluigi Time personally rejecting you to punish you for your disgraceful actions.
Shake - K1
For a second, you stare at the outstretched hand. You reach your hand out and firmly grasp The Koopinator's hand, shaking it. The Koopinator nods and then steps back as the bell rings. The Koopinator immediately drops into his shell and begins spinning.
Brace - K2
You realize what's happening. The Koopinator is going to come flying at you with all his might. You put your arms up in a defensive position, thinking that you can take advantage of this by stopping him. Then, once he's stopped, you'll be in a good position for some offense.
The Koopinator launches himself at you, going much faster than you could have ever imagined. Upon him hitting you, your arms buckle immediately as you instead take on the full force of The Koopinator and his steel armor. You're sent flying into the air, landing back in the ring in a heap. In retrospect, it probably was a bad idea to let a full-speed spinning turtle with steel spikes hit you with everything he had…
Flip - K2
You watch him spin and, for a brief moment, you have no idea what to do, but then it hits you. "TURTLES CAN'T FLIP OVER IF THEY'RE ON THEIR BACKS!" you cry out. You decide what you're going to do is flip over this spinning turtle, leaving him stuck on his back. Then you'll pound on him until he gives up!
You run over to him, grabbing him as he spins faster and faster. At first, he's spinning too fast and you leave the ground, your feet spinning around and around, but you manage to plant your feet and hurtle him into the air. You think your plan has worked and victory will be yours soon, but the more experienced Koopinator turns the table on you, repositioning himself in the air and dive bombing you.
The Koopinator lands on you with all of his force, knocking you out. It was a good showing, all things considered, but honestly you probably should have known somebody as experienced as the Koopinator would have a counter for you trying to stick him on his back!
Kick - K2
As The Koopinator begins to pick up speed, you realize something. Thanks to your many years of reading What's in a Campaign?, director Shoey's robot combat section, you know that the most dangerous thing you can do when fighting a spinner is letting the blade get up to speed. You realize that the same principle probably works for dealing with a spinning shell. You decide you're going to jam your opponent up and prevent The Koopinator from getting fully up to speed.
You rush him before going into a slide, kicking The Koopinator away. Like a pinball, he spins away at a super fast speed. For a split second, you think you're going to ring him out with your kick, but you should have known that The Koopinator wouldn't fall that easily. Right at the edge of the ring he stops on a dime, standing up. He nods his head out of respect for you before lowering his head, charging you with his spike pointing at you.
Dodge - K3
"Ar-Ar-Are you kidding me? We're doing this again?" You question things out loud as you think back to your previous two fights where this exact same thing happened. All you gotta do is move away at the last second and The Koopinator will probably throw himself out of the ring, you think to yourself.
In your arrogance, you decide that, at the last second, you're going to tango spin out of the way rather than just dodge normally, but it turns out The Koopinator is a lot smarter than your other opponents! As you're spinning away, The Koopinator extends out his arms, leveling you with an absolutely devastating clothesline.
You yourself go spinning up in the air before crashing down hard onto the mat. You try to get up, but you can't! You're done! I guess this is a lesson that you probably shouldn't expect the same strategy to work in three consecutive matches.
Slam - K3
As The Koopinator charges, you have to make a split-second decision. You decide what you're going to do is brace yourself, bend your knees, and when he gets to you you'll grab him! Then you'll lift him high into the air and slam him right into the mat! Hopefully this will knock him out but, if that doesn't happen, he'll at least be stuck on his shell!
Surprisingly this plan actually works! You manage to avoid the spike of The Koopinator and you get him up! Unfortunately, that's as far as you get. It turns out that a turtle wearing a full suit of armor is really heavy and you've spent the majority of your adult life avoiding exercise. So, yeah, you get him up, but you can't keep him up. You end up not being able to support him and both of you crash down, with The Koopinator landing with his full weight on top of you. The amount of weight crushes your body and knocks the wind out of you. You aren't able to get up and are declared the loser by knockout. Hopefully this teaches you about the importance of regular exercise!
Leapfrog - K3
As he comes at you, you decide your best bet is to jump over him. Then, you'll take advantage of being behind him. You leap high in the air, but it turns out you're not much of a jumper, so you fail to clear him, which is bad. You land on your face in the middle of the ring, but the good news is that your leg clipped The Koopinator's helmet, spinning it around. You see your opponent struggling to flip his helmet around.
Toss him out of the arena! Put him in a submission hold! Go for a Superkick!
Toss - K4
You think you're about to steal this match as you run up, grabbing your confused and blinded opponent, rushing to throw him out of the ring. But The Koopinator is a wily veteran of the Glitz Pit. Despite being blind, he immediately knows what you're trying to do and demonstrates the arena awareness that only a truly great competitor possesses.
Steps away from being tossed out, he takes advantage of your admittedly-weak grip by elbowing you in the stomach before grabbing you and tossing you out of the arena.
Outside the arena, you can only stare at him in defeat, lamenting how close you came to making the finals. Not only that, but you have to live with the shame of being beaten by a blinded opponent. You do manage to write a pretty good 'Shroom section about the whole ordeal, but you always wonder if you could have won the whole tournament had you not be essentially outsmarted by a blind opponent.
Submission - K4
Seeing The Koopinator stagger around confused and blinded, you realize this is your golden opportunity to take him out! You jump on his back, intent on locking him into a powerful chokehold! It turns out, though, that this is a huge mistake!
Like, sure, yeah, he can't see, but you remember too late that his shell is covered in spikes. You fly into the air like it's a cartoon and you just got poked, and you land outside of the ring. Defeated and humiliated by your own arrogance, you can only look on as the mic announcer states that The Koopinator is moving to the finals!
Kick - K4
Seeing your opponent staggering blindly and trying to fix his helmet, you realize this is your golden opportunity to claim victory. You cock your leg and deliver a mighty kick to the back of his head, which is conveniently no longer being protected by the spikes of a helmet. The force of the kick sends The Koopinator tumbling out of the ring, giving you the victory by ring out. The crowd erupts in excitement over your victory as you continue your improbable tournament run.
Your next match? The GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT championship!
With so much on the line in your next match, you decide it's high time to get a little rest in the locker room.
Bandy-Aid
You return from your match hoping to see Bandy Andy, but he's still nowhere to be found... You shrug it off as him probably being off investigating mysteries somewhere. Maybe he'll be impressed if you investigate some mysteries in the meantime! What was that he said about a man-eating toilet?
Without any details to work with, you decide to investigate one of the bathrooms, figuring that if something is out of place, you'll notice. Well, you don't notice, and the whole thing's kind of gross, but while you're in there you overhear Rawk Hawk complaining.
"Champion's room? Pfft! Those walls are so thin I can constantly hear Grubba rambling on the other side! I swear, if he wakes me up in the middle of the night one more time he's gonna get RAAAWKED!"
Hm... That could be something. If you sneak into the champion's room, maybe you'll overhear something interesting...
Deciding to do just that, you manage to sneak past security, and wow, it's nice in here! You start fantasizing about what it would be like if you were champion, before your eyes settle on the championship belt on full display! That's one fancy belt... Wouldn't it be cool if it was yours?
Stolen Victory
Free championship, baby! You don't even have to fight Rawk Hawk! You lay your hands on the belt, only getting a few seconds to admire the craftsmanship before the door swings open!
"HEY! What do you think you're doing, snooping around in MY private room and touching MY champ's belt? Oh, you're going to feel the pain now, you puny little punk! Prepare to get RAAAAAAAAWKED!"
Enraged, Rawk Hawk gives you a severe beatdown, leaving you with a career-ending injury before the two of you even get into the ring! So much for your dreams of winning the championship...
Grubba's Grumblings
Wait a minute, what are you thinking? Stealing the champion's belt? That's crazy! You push those thoughts out of your head and press your ear up against the wall to see if you can overhear Grubba talking to himself.
"Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk! Well, THAT'S in perfect condition, as usual! Yep, long as I got THAT baby workin' fer me, this ol' bod ain't NEVER gonna get weak! But I'm gonna have to watch my tootsies here fer a little bit... First that Bandy Andy comes snoopin' around... An' now I can't shake the feelin' that Jolene an' Gonzales are onto me... Well, I guess I'll burn that bridge when the time comes. I'll just disappear 'em too!"
That doesn't sound good at all! You want to keep listening to see if Grubba will let anything else slip, but you hear footsteps outside and getting louder...
Listen Up!
It's fine, this is important! As soon as you explain how serious the situation is, Rawk Hawk will definitely understand you sneaking into his room when you're not allowed to...
Wait a minute, what are you thinking? No he won't!
"HEY! What do you think you're doing, snooping around in MY private room? Oh, you're going to feel the pain now, you puny little punk! Prepare to get RAAAAAAAAWKED!"
Enraged, Rawk Hawk gives you a severe beatdown, leaving you with a career-ending injury before the two of you even get into the ring! So much for your dreams of winning the championship...
Locked Up!
Well, you probably heard enough. If Rawk Hawk catches you in here, it will NOT end well! You hide in Rawk Hawk's locker, and not a moment too soon! The locker room door starts opening just as you shut yourself inside.
"Oh yeah! Gonzales is gonna feel the RAWK! It's time to show everyone why I'm the champ around here!"
Through a crack in the door, you see Rawk Hawk kiss the champ's belt. That's kind of weird. He puts it on and heads back out. You should probably be leaving too if you want to make the championship match in time!
RAWK THE ARENA
You head towards the interview, nervous about the championship but even more nervous about what you've learned. You thought about confronting Grubba before the finals, but there wasn't time. You're going to have to win this championship and then break this scandal wide open. But before you can do that, you've got one more interview to pump up the crowd for this championship match. But… wait a second. What's this? You get to the interview and there's somebody different interviewing not you, but Rawk Hawk. Wait a second… Is that Koohitsu!?! Oh man, it is her! She used to write Monthly Inquisition for Fake News! You used to love that section! You had heard she left for better things after a pay dispute with MCD, but you didn't realize she was on television doing interviews for Glitz Pit!
You listen in close to hear the interview, "Grubba I'm here with Glitz Pit champion Rawk Hawk. Rawk, many out there, including myself, consider you a heavy favorite to win the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT! Tell me champ, is there any way you could lose this match against the Great Gonzales?" she asks.
Rawk Hawks grabs the microphone from her. "Yawnnnnnnnnnn! This whole tournament has been a snoozefest, Koohitsu. I tried warning Grubba that this was gonna happen. I told him that he might as well cancel the tournament, 'cause there isn't a single fighter out there who can compete with the 34-inch pythons of Rawk Hawk, uhn! To tell you the truth Koohitsu, I'm bored! There hasn't been a single fight that has even proven to be just a little bit challenging. And now I gotta go into the finals and face off against this Great Gonzales? Not even that bum Koopinator? I mean, I'd never lose to Koopinator, but at least he might make me work up a sweat!"
"But this Great Gonzales is nothing but a scrawny little punk who managed to luck into a few victories. He thinks he can face off against me? The man who conquered Glitz Pit, the heir apparent to Grubba, the man who ran off Prince Mush? He thinks he can stand toe-to-toe with the overwhelming might of Rawk Hawk? Uhn, Koohitsu, I hope the Great Gonzales uses these few minutes before the bell rings to evaluate his life decisions, because If he knows what's good for him, he won't he show up in the ring unless he's looking to get RAWKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKED!" With that, Rawk Hawk enters the ring as the crowd chants "RAWK! RAWK! RAWK!"
Koohitsu turns to the camera. "As you can see, Grubba, nothing has dampened Rawk Hawk's confidence. This is Koohitsu, Rawk Hawk's personal interviewer, turning it back to you," she says, returning the broadcast to the commentary desk.
Rawk Hawk Promos (B)
After Rawk Hawk finishes his interview, the sound of heavy metal hits the arena as Rawk Hawk enters the arena. Wordlessly and effortlessly, Koohitsu is replaced by regular interviewer Pine A. (I guess Koohitsu is just for Rawk Hawk :( ). You approach the stage again, ready for one last interview before your championship match!
"I am standing here live with the Great Gonzales, the newcomer who has captured the heart of Glitz Pit. Great Gonzales, I must say I am impressed! You've surpassed all expectations because there were, well, none! And you've made it all the way to the championship of the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT. But Great Gonzales, you've seen your opponent, the great Rawk Hawk, the current champion of the Glitz Pit, a man who some claim is the greatest fighter we've seen since Grubba announced his retirement. Tell me Great Gonzales, how do you hope to possibly compete against the overwhelming power of Rawk Hawk?"
Cut a cocky promo. Cut a technical promo. Cut a "passionate" promo.
Rawk Hawk Technical (B)
Feeling insulted over the fact that everyone is counting you out, you decide to give a detailed explanation about why you shouldn't be overlooked. "Pine A., if you look at this fight on paper, I would agree you'd probably conclude Rawk Hawk will win for sure. He's much bigger than me and his strength is like nothing I've ever seen before. It's true that if he gets ahold of me, I'm probably done for. But, Pine A., if you ask me, Rawk Hawk, for all his muscle, for all his skill, is making a crucial mistake."
"He's looking past me Pine A.," you continue, lingering on a pause to let the words sink in. "He thinks he's got the fight already wrapped up. Much like the people out in that crowd, he thinks I don't have a chance. Now, that's fine for them to think, but Rawk Hawk is making the biggest mistake a fighter can make. He's looking past his opponent! He's already imagining himself holding the trophy and having been crowned champion of another tournament. That means he's gonna be underestimating me, Pine A., and one thing I've learned over my four fights of experience is that you never want to underestimate your opponent. So I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna give it all I got, and, with any luck, I'm gonna walk out the champion!" Having said your piece, you leave to go to the ring.
Rawk Hawk Cocky (B)
You saunter on up to the mic, cool as a cucumber, letting the whole audience know you aren't worried at all!
"Let me tell ya something, Mr. TV Announcer. Throw out everything that overgrown chicken just said. Yeah, I heard him clucking around, talking about his muscle, talking down the fights he's won, talking about how he's run off so-and-so with a yick yick yick and a yuck yuck yuck. But it don't mean nothing, Mr. TV Announcer, 'cause that clucking rooster has never fought a fighter quite like me. Tell ya what I'm gonna do, Mr. TV Announcer, I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna stand toe-to-toe with him. I'm gonna look him right in the eyes and I'm gonna pluck those feathers of his. By the time I'm done with him, there won't be a single feather left of those luscious locks of his. So take one last good look at him, Mr. TV Announcer, 'cause next time you see that yellow-bellied chicken, he's gonna be bald as an egg!" To add insult to injury, after you give your scathing interview, you enter the ring strutting like a rooster!
Rawk Hawk Passionate (B)
"RAWK HAWK, YOU MIGHT BE THE CHAMPION AND YOU MIGHT HAVE THOSE 34-INCH PYTHONS YOU CALL ARMS AND THOSE ABS OF STEEL, BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, RAWK HAWK! YOU MIGHT HAVE THE STRENGTH OUTSIDE, BUT I'VE GOT THE STRENGTH INSIDE. AND WHEN WE GET IN THAT RING, MY INSIDE STRENGTH IS GONNA BE WORTH TEN TIMES YOUR OUTSIDE STRENGTH. YOU'RE GONNA SEE, RAWK HAWK! BY THE TIME THIS FIGHT IS OVER, YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOURSELF CRUSHED BY MY SUPERIOR STRENGTH!"
Rawk Hawk Fight! (B)
You watch from backstage as Rawk Hawk makes his entrance. This entrance has everything! Pyro! Crowd singing! An electric guitar! The crowd loves Rawk Hawk! When they aren't singing his entrance music, they're chanting "Rawk Hawk! Rawk Hawk! Rawk Hawk!".
You begin to make your entrance and the place just keeps exploding! You can see the arena is filled with homemade Great Gonzales signs. You even see a few tiny baby Toads and Buzzy Beetles wearing Great Gonzales t-shirts! It's sweet but also a little shocking, leaving you to wonder how they got the shirts made so fast…
Regardless, it's pretty clear that the crowd loves both of you. And while they logically don't believe you can beat Rawk Hawk, after you beat both The Iron Adonis Twins and even more importantly The Koopinator, they aren't going to count you out
The arrogant Rawk Hawk begins posing for the crowd, causing them to explode. Seeing this, you try to return the favor in kind by flexing your pecs as the crowd explodes even more. It's pretty clear that this is a 50/50 crowd, an audience thinking this is going to be one of the best fights they've ever seen. They're on the edge of their seats eagerly awaiting the start of the fight.
The crowd won't even settle down as the announcer mic steps forwards to the middle of the ring. "THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS THE GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT FINAL MATCH! INTRODUCING FIRST, FROM GLITZ PIT WITH A RECORD OF 55 WINS AND 1 LOSS, HE IS THE REIGNING GLITZ PIT CHAMPION, THE GOLDEN GRANDSTANDER, RAWK HAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWK!"
"AND HIS OPPONENT, FROM NEW WIKISBURG, REPRESENTING THE SHROOM WITH A WIN LOSS RECORD OF 4 WINS AND 0 LOSSES, THE SURPRISE OF THE TOURNAMENT, THE GREAT GONZALESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"
The bell rings and Rawk Hawk grins, walking towards you he extends his arms out daring you to grab them.
Don't Grab - RB1
Well that's an obvious trap if you've ever seen one. I mean, what kind of idiot does Rawk Hawk take you for? You bring your hands up, pretending like you're going to grab his arms before totally punking him. You even gesture to the crowd like "look at this asshole". As you're showboating, Rawk Hawk just shrugs.You turn around and Rawk Hawk backhands you, sending you flying out of the ring. Maybe next time you won't celebrate so much after a single punking!
Grab - RB1
Ah, the ole test of strength spot. You've heard about this! You decide that, screw it, you're game. You grab onto Rawk Hawk's hands, applying as much force as you can. You're giving it all you've got, straining when you peek up at Rawk Hawk, who looks bored out of his mind. "Uh-oh," you think to yourself as Rawk Hawk begins squeezing your hands tightly. The pain is intense. You gotta do something fast to get out of this hold!
Scissors - RB2
Desperate and nearly passing out, you realize that you're not gonna make it very long. You jump up, locking your legs onto Rawk Hawk's shoulders. From there, you manage to get them around Rawk Hawk's head and begin trying to choke him out. But in doing so, you actually play right into Rawk Hawk's hands. He lifts you up high in the air and SLAMS YOU DOWN ON THE RING! Then he lifts you up and SLAMS YOU INTO THE RING! Over and over he slams you into the ring until your back gives out and you pass out.
All things considered, it was a great showing. I mean ,you went from a nobody to a championship finalist. You got some good publicity out of it and became a pretty hot commodity in the journalism world. Still, you can't help but think how cool it would have been to become champion.
Reverse - RB2
OKAY, DON'T PANIC! I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE! YOU GOTTA REVERSE THE PRESSURE OF THE HOLD! THAT'LL REVERSE THE PAIN BACK TO RAWK HAWK! QUICKLY, YOU GOTTA REVERSE THE PRESSURE!
Taking my advice, you begin trying to reverse the hold, confident that, if you can just do that, it'll be Rawk Hawk who is nearing submission! You attempt to reverse his grip, which… doesn't work and… oh, no, you're in just as much pain as you were!
Wait, wait, wait a minute…
Well, this is awkward. See, turns out I got it wrong. You reverse the pressure on a Figure Four Leg Lock, not a Test of Strength. You know what? That's my bad. Why don't you go ahead and have this free try again on me?
Stomach - RB2
With few options and in intense pain, you jump up and deliver a stiff kick right to the stomach of Rawk Hawk. It works! Well, it works for a second, anyways.
Unfortunately, as you're nursing your sore hands, Rawk Hawk goes back on the attack. He begins pounding away on you, dishing out heavy strikes and seemingly unfazed by your feeble attempts to fight back. Luckily for you, Rawk Hawk stops your beating momentarily to pose for the crowd. Quick, now's your chance! You gotta do something!
Eye - RB3
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and, while you honestly hate it, you think you've got no choice but to fight a little dirty. You rush Rawk Hawk, planning on jamming your thumb in his eye, but Rawk Hawk sees you just in time and he easily blocks your thumb before grabbing your hand.
Angry that you would attempt to blind him like that, Rawk Hawk breaks your hand with his mighty muscles before pulling you forward and kneeing you in the stomach again and again and again. You fall to the ground in pain, unable to continue, and, if I'm being real, it serves you right for trying to cheat like that.
Superkick - RB3
You launch your leg at Rawk Hawk, hoping to catch him by surprise. But much to your surprise, Rawk Hawk saw this coming! He easily catches your leg, picking you up, spinning around, and throwing you out of the ring.
You end your tournament battered and bruised, only able to look up as you see a truly superior fighter posing in the ring with the championship trophy you so desperately wanted.
Jawbreaker - RB3
You leap to your feet, jumping at Rawk Hawk's face. Your plan? To grab ahold of Rawk Hawk and drive his head right into your knees. To your surprise, it actually works! The boastful Rawk Hawk is too busy playing to the crowd to react. You crack his jaw right into your knees. While it doesn't drop Rawk Hawk or anything, he does stumble off, dazed.
Now, come on! Quickly! You gotta do something to keep this momentum going!
Slam - RB4
Okay, you've got him on the ropes! Slam him to the mat and bring this home! You take my advice and grab him, attempting to power lift him up, but it turns out he's not anywhere damaged enough to let that happen. Instead, he overpowers you and slams you into the ring repeatedly until you're unconscious. A valiant effort, but you just weren't able to overcome such a superior physical specimen.
Clothesline - RB4
Okay, now is the time! You've got him dazed! Take him down!
You decide to go for a classic clothesline! You extend your arm out and run as fast as you can, putting all your power in the arm. You hit Rawk Hawk and… bounce off of him. Luckily for you, you don't have to linger on your mistake for very long! A very angry Rawk Hawk levels you with a clothesline of his own! It's a vicious clothesline; you spin 360 degrees in the air, crashing into the ring in a heap.
You try to get up, but you just can't. So close to victory were you, but unfortunately you just got outfought by the champ.
Fist - RB4
You see that you've got him dazed after the jawbreaker. You gotta keep up the offensive. You jump as high in the air as you can, dropping your fist right onto the beak of Rawk Hawk. Rawk Hawk staggers back! It looks like he's starting to teeter when suddenly he hawks up.
You watch him pace around the ring, enraged. It looks like he's gotten a second wind. He squares up to you, ready to go back on the offensive.
Dropkick - RB5
"Oh crap," you think to yourself. You gotta do something quick before the crowd fully energizes Rawk Hawk. As Rawk Hawk approaches you to grab you, you leap high in the air, planting your legs into Rawk Hawk's chest. It's a beautiful dropkick if I'm being honest, but, unfortunately, you just bounce off, landing on your face. To make matters worse, Rawk Hawk pounces on you, punching you repeatedly while you're helpless to resist. You last thought before you fall unconscious is cursing yourself for thinking a dropkick would work.
Oh, man, just a little more and you might have had him! Try again?
Slugfest - RB5
You know what? If he wants to bow up, you'll bow up. You stand tall, getting in Rawk Hawk's face. The crowd is eating this up as you two stare each other down. Rawk Hawk throws a haymaker, connecting with your jaw. You stumble back, but you set your feet and throw one back in kind. The two of you throw haymaker after haymaker at each other as the crowd explodes. Finally, you connect one right in the middle of Rawk Hawk's beak. He staggers back, dropping to one knee as the crowd comes unglued.
Strike - RB6
You're both visibly exhausted after such an intense fight, and you realize you don't have very much left in the tank. You decide you need to end this in one punch. You step back for a second before launching your right arm with all the remaining power you have. For a brief moment, it looks like you're going to catch Rawk Hawk right in his jaw, but at the last second, in desperation, he throws up his arms, blocking it. He then leans in and hits you with a desperate headbutt.
You both fall back, struggling to stand. You fall to the floor with Rawk Hawk falling only a second behind you. It looks like a double knockout, but after you're both counted out, Grubba rules that, because you fell a second before Rawk Hawk did, that means that Rawk Hawk was technically upright longer than you and therefore Rawk Hawk is declared the winner by knockout.
It's a bittersweet thing. You earned a lot of respect in this tournament, coming from nothing to be a crowd favorite. You even earned the respect of Rawk Hawk! Your 'Shroom section on this is a huge hit. Even so, you always look back on what could have been, how you could have beaten Rawk Hawk and become champion. You look back on how you failed to expose Grubba, who manages to make the evidence you had gathered disappear. (Don't worry, because Grubba would get his a few months later when Mario showed up). Objectively your trip was a great success, but you just wish you could have done more.
Lift - RB6
Seeing Rawk Hawk on his knees, you realize that your next move could end it. You grab him one, hand on his throat and the other on his pelvis. You lift him high in the air, his body completely at your mercy. As you walk around the ring, the crowd is losing it.
Crowdpleaser - RB7
You are loving this! The energy of the crowd is flowing through you. With Rawk Hawk so thoroughly beaten, you decide to have a little fun. You start doing squats with Rawk Hawk on your arms. You get about five in and, boy, the crowd is hyped, the cheering is overwhelming.
You're starting to feel pretty tired, but, hell, what's one more squat gonna hurt?! You bend your knees… and they buckle. You collapse, and Rawk Hawk lands on top of you, knocking you out. Your arrogance has cost you the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT championship!
To make matters worse, while you're recovering from your injuries, Waluigi Time steals your story and exposes Grubba! You do write a well-received article about your experiences in Glitz Pit and and you're invited to compete in next year's GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT, but it's hardly a consolation for what could have been had you instead followed the number one rule of fighting and put your opponent away when you had the chance!
CHAMPION!
With Rawk Hawk hoisted high up in the air, you decide not to waste any time. You walk towards the edge of the arena, determined to throw Rawk Hawk out! Rawk Hawk begins struggling and squirming, trying to power his way out of your grasp. Realizing you won't be able to hold him for much longer, you give a mighty heave and throw Rawk Hawk, who crashes out of the arena! You fall to your knees, a tear in your eye as confetti begins dropping down.
The crowd erupts, and fighters come pouring out from the back. With the GLITZ PIT SUPER 16 GRAND CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT championship trophy in your hands, you're hoisted on the shoulders of the various Glitz Pit fighters in celebration!
The celebration doesn't end there! After all the pomp in the ring, you're carried backstage where the real party starts. Champagne, cigars, everything you could ever dream of is in your grasp as you're crowned champion! At some point during the party, Rawk Hawk enters and, for a second it looks like he's looking for a fight, but instead he reaches out his hand for a respectful handshake as you two pose while Waluigi Time takes photos of you two for The 'Shroom.
But even as this celebration, the happiest moment of your life, is going on… You still remain focused on your other goal, exposing Grubba and finding out where the missing fighters are.
Grubba, Where Are You?
As the party winds down, you manage to slip away, intending to confront Grubba in his office. You realize when you arrive, however, that he's not there. As you search elsewhere, you see a bright light from what should be an empty ring. You enter the arena, seeing Grubba standing in the middle of the ring.
You enter the ring, seeing Grubba admire a machine in the middle of it, the very power-draining machine you saw on those secret documents. You confront him, throwing down the documents you've found, telling him you know he's responsible for the missing fighters, that you know he's sucking their powers to keep his body young and full of vitality! You finish by telling Grubba you're bringing him in, taking a fighting stance on the off-chance he decides to resist. Grubba looks at you and looks at your evidence before shaking his head.
"Well, that's too bad, son. I really did like you, I thought you could be a big star. It's a cryin' shame, but I s'pose it can't be helped," he says. Grubba cracks his neck and stretches his arm, before hulking out into a giant musclebound version of himself, a Macho Grubba, if you will.
"Sorry, son, but I can't have you goin' and spillin' my secrets. It'd be real bad for business, so I guess I'll just have to drain yer energy and make you disappear instead! Try not to take it too personally," he says, flipping a switch on a little remote he has in his pocket. Suddenly, the ring begins flashing as the outside of the ring fills with electrical waves. One false step and you'll be sucked dry by Grubba's power sucking machine… You know, on second thought, maybe it wasn't the best idea to confront him alone!
Grubba winds up and brings down one of his giant fists. You don't have much time to react!
Strike - M1
Okay, he's pretty big, but you know what? You took down Rawk Hawk by going blow for blow with him. How much tougher can Grubba really be? Yeah, that's right, you're a badass, you're a champion! Don't back down! Punch Grubba right in his face!
You square up, preparing to go blow for blow with Grubba, but there's one problem. It turns out Grubba is like ten times stronger than Rawk Hawk, and a single blow sends you flying out of the ring and into the waiting arms of the power draining waves. Trapped in the power draining machine, you can feel your energy being sucked out. You start planning your escape which, well, don't worry, because you have plenty of time!
Panic - M1
Seeing the giant fist fly towards you, you realize you're in over your head. You're a journalist, how are you going to take down this giant 'roided up Clubba? You don't even move - you're just completely broken mentally. Oh, and in case you're wondering, this strategy of not fighting back does not work.
I don't know why you'd think picking the panic option would be the correct call. I mean, I guess you're one of those people who try to see all the bad endings, aren't you? Hey, why don't you try again when you're ready to play seriously?
Charge - M1
You decide you're not gonna sit here and get hit by a really big fist! You charge him, hoping to catch him off-guard! It does not work! You get hit by the really big fist! You fly across the ring, but you're still conscious and you're not in the draining waves, so, hey, you're still in this. As you pick yourself up, you see Grubba leap into the air, prepared to land with a huge belly flop!
Roll - M2
There's no way you can take this head-on, you realize. You attempt to roll out of the way to avoid being crushed by Grubba and it works! Kind of!
The good news is you're not crushed by Grubba! The bad news is his mass causes a huge shockwave which knocks you out of the arena and into the power draining waves. Now, you aren't quite sure about how that shockwave worked as, like, a matter of physics, but I guess you'll have plenty of time to work that out while you're getting your energy drained!
Catch - M2
You know what? You're strong! You've got this! You're gonna catch him like a pop fly on Blooper Baserun! You get right underneath him, prepared to catch him and throw him out of the arena. Somehow, it never dawns on you that this is a stupid plan! You do not catch successfully this giant Clubba! You do, however, avoid getting put in the power draining machine… only because there isn't enough of you left to be put in it.
Squicked out, Grubba quickly wipes away your remains, scraping them off the ring and shutting off the power draining machine. With you disposed of, there's nothing stopping Grubba from continuing his evil power draining scheme and he goes on to suck the power out of many more fighters without anybody to oppose him!
Jump - M2
You gotta get out of the way of this falling Clubba, and fast! You jump out of the way, trying to shield yourself from the physics-defying shockwaves you're sure this flop will produce. You avoid the big belly flop, but it turns out Grubba is insanely fast and coordinated. He immediately recovers and grabs you out of the air! You better think of something fast, 'cause it's, uh, looking like things are gonna get worse before they get better!
Spit - M3
Grubba squeezes you tightly, crushing your body. You've got to do something fast or it's gonna be game over. With few options, you hack a big loogie at Grubba, hoping that you can hit him in the eye, blinding him and forcing him to drop you! But you're not much of a spitter, as it turns out, so it just kind of hits the floor and Grubba honestly thinks you're kinda gross.
You're not gross enough to not steal power from, of course, as you find out as Grubba slams you into the power draining waves. As it begins draining your body, you start to reflect on all things you did to get into this situation. Don't worry, you have a lot of time to think it over!
Scream - M3
Realizing how screwed you are, you begin screaming for help, hoping you can alert somebody from the party in the locker room who can come and save you. Well… you try to scream for help. Grubba has a pretty good hold on your windpipe, so really it's only a slight whimper. Here's a hot tip - Next time, bring the help before you confront the corrupt power-stealing former world champion!
Bite - M3
Desperate times call for desperate measure, and, well, you can't think of anything more desperate than this. It's not very honorable, but you bite down on Grubba's hand as hard as possible. Grubba screams, letting you go. With Grubba distracted nursing his hand, you only have a little bit of time to strike while the iron is hot!
Unleash the 360 JACKKNIFE CORKSCREW CROSSFACE RECLINER AXE BOMBER! Crossbody him! Do a triple flip and a meow!
Corkscrew - M4
Realizing you're not a match for Grubba, you decide you'll have to end this in one move! You're going to combine all the most powerful and devastating finishers into one mega finisher, the 360 JACKKNIFE CORKSCREW CROSSFACE RECLINER AXE BOMBER.
You approach Grubba, ready to do your ultimate move, but that's not how wrestling works, you idiot! You can't just mix and match moves, this isn't ancient Chinese martial arts! By the time you realize how truly stupid this plan is, you're already in the power draining machine.
But, hey, look on the bright side! You have a lot of time to think about how wrestling works while you're trapped in the power draining machine!
Crossbody - M4
Suddenly, you remember what Rip Cheato said down in the Rogueport Sewer, how you're destined to defeat a mighty warrior with a crossbody. Who could be a mightier warrior then Grubba!? You remember Chet Rippo's words as you dive at Grubba, your body extending out into the perfect crossbody!
Unfortunately, uh, you kind of just bounce off of him… Your last thought as you're loaded into the power draining machine is about how you probably shouldn't have trusted a strange bird you met in the sewer!
Meow - M4
You think to yourself that it's probably best to put a little distance between yourself and Grubba. You need to wear him out a little, force him to expend some of that stolen energy. Suddenly, you remember the bar, where Wonky told the story of Grubba's only loss to a Triple Flip and Meow.
You don't think it makes a lot of sense and you can't really figure out how that would defeat Grubba, but it's worth a shot, you guess? You begin backflipping away from Grubba who, having gotten over his hand injury, yells. "GET BACK HERE, YA LITTLE WHELP!" He begins rushing you. On your third and final flip you land precariously on the edge of the aena as Grubba gets right in your face.
You launch into a mighty meow and Grubba, completely befuddled by this, slips backwards falling out of the arena and into his own power draining machine! "Oh my god, it worked," you think to yourself. The arena lights begin to flicker and things start to collapse. The machine can't handle Grubba's power! It's overloading the machine! It's gonna blow! You duck and cover in the ring as you hear a large exploding sound coming from under the stands. When you look up, you see a shriveled up Grubba lying on the floor.
Go and get help! Dig through the rubble by yourself and see if there's a scoop to be had!
Helpless Helpers
Even though it looks like Grubba has been defeated, you decide not to risk it. You rush off to the locker room, grabbing every fighter still there. Together, you apprehend Grubba before digging through the rubble, finding the unconscious-but-still-breathing Prince Mush and Bandy Andy.
You're given a hero's treatment! Your 'Shroom section on the depths and scandal of Grubba becomes one of the most popular 'Shroom sections of all time. A lot of people try to convince you to run for 'Shroom Director or Patroller, but you decide you don't want the hassle of any of that. Instead, you resign from The 'Shroom and return to Glitz Pit as a beloved babyface.
Your fighting career continues to grow as you become the Glitz Pit's undisputed top star. You're even offered the chance to buy into the territory and become a co-promoter with Jolene. All things considered, everything worked out just about as good as it ever could.
But there's still one thing you don't understand. How did Grubba power his machine? Was it the same power source that fueled his rise to the top? Unfortunately, you never find an answer to that question and, I mean, it's not like Grubba will talk to you or anything! Maybe it's just one of those questions that's not meant to be answered?
Ya did good, champ. Ya did real good. Maybe you'd like to play again?
Rubble
You begin looking through the rubble, assuming that, since it was caused by the exploding power draining machine, that the power draining machine wreckage is here. As you dig, you find the unconscious-but-still-breathing bodies of Prince Mush and Bandy Andy! Hooray! You're a hero! As you drag their bodies out of the rubble ,something catches your eye.
You look over and see a large star radiating beautiful energy. As you touch the star, your eyes roll back into your head as you see a vision of… a bright purple door, a keyhole laid into the center.
As you stare at the door, the vision shifts, showing key after key - each with a unique shape, size, and design. Nothing but keys and keys, rotating and flashing in a hypnotizing, psychedelic fashion. The door… the keys… How can you possibly choose? You clench your eyes shut, and the vision of the keys shatters before you, leaving only yourself and the door.
You push on the door, and it swings open. As you step through its threshold… you find yourself back in the Glitz Pit, the Crystal Star still before you.
You're not exactly sure what it means, but you've got more important things to do, things like saving Prince Mush and Bandy Andy. You get them back to the locker room and get them appropriate medical attention. Luckily, they make a full medical recovery! Thanks to you, Grubba is arrested for his crimes. You truly are a hero!
The 'Shroom section you write is a huge hit and, combined with your championship wins and defeating that crooked power-stealer Grubba, makes you the biggest celebrity in all of New Wikisburg. You pretty much sweep the Mario Awards, winning every one that you're nominated for (except Favorite Section Design - damn that Dear Waluigi Time!). Despite the many offers you get, you decide to remain with The 'Shroom, pumping out 'Shroom sections on various subjects and winning various SOTMs. You're even planning on running for Shroom Director!
You have fame and glory, but something troubles you. That strange vision you saw when you gazed into that Crystal Star, what did it mean? Perhaps it's something worth investigating further? Perhaps, using your new influence, you can convince Shoey to take another trip to Rogueport so you can investigate?
