Background
"THIS IS A WEIRD ASS GAME" - joseph pockett, kid years old
Super Mario Land is a weird-ass game. So weird that even playing it as a kid I'd think, "this is a weird-ass game!".
Back then, I'd usually just accept anything in a game at face value. You know, Pokémon, throwing shit at wild animals? Yeah, man! That's– that's normal. I'm– I'm always doing that! Sonic, you curl up in a ball to go fast? Yes, that's norm– I'm doing that right now, even. I don't know if you can hear it on the recording but I'm doing it at– right now.
Super Mario Land? What the fuck? This guy is... collecting all these coins!? I didn't have money as a kid! I stole this game!
As the first Mario game not made by Shigeru Miyamoto, the development team had to take liberties with some aspects of the game, as Miyamoto usually kept his Mario bible glued to his thigh, keeping all Mario lore secret to himself at all times, but he was off busy making Pikmin 4 at the time in 1988 and it's still not out yet.[2] So then Gunpei Yokoi was told to "make Game Boy Mario", and after first inventing the Game Boy because he mistakenly heard "make Game Boy, Mario" and thought "Mario" was his nickname, he made this game, and then made this music video[3] to promote it, filmed at Chessington World of Adventures, which is a pretty odd place to make a music video. I mean, why waste your time dancing with Mario when you could be seeking thrills on the dizzying twists and turns of the Dragon's Fury ride and dozens more attractions?
Super Mario Land
Instead of taking place in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario Land is set in "Sarasaland". That's not even a real place! And instead of saving Peach, you're saving Daisy. But just take a look at what happens when you rescue her!
I know, right? "OH! DAISY". What awkward dialogue!
A "
Goombo" from
Super Mario Land
You have these weird variants of regular Mario enemies, like instead of Goombas, you have "Goombos". I'm just gonna come out and say it: this thing looks like a penis, right? We were all thinking it. I don't know why they didn't keep the normal Goomba design and instead made what is clearly just a dick.
Also, you can't kick Koopa Shells anymore or else look what happens!
How bizarre!
Look at these enemies! These just look like people, but their anatomy seems very disproportionate compared to Mario. You have to make them look like they actually fit in next to him?
Okay, the wiki is saying they're more like zombies, which, okay, is honestly even more out of place for Mario Land, what on Earth? Zombies are the kind of thing you'd find in fucking Left 4 Dead, or Wario Land!
And there's the Easter Island enemies that just fucking run at you okay jeez– Okay.
- Help:Media • Having trouble playing?
Also, Bowser is a Sphinx now? I don't know whose idea it was to make Bowser into a big cat. Were they out of ideas or something? Next you'll be telling me he's on display on the Chessington World of Adventures Tiger Rock ride, where you can watch majestic tigers roam around as you traverse a log flume!
Sometimes during shoot-'em-up sections the game has to spell out "MARIO" in coins to remind you that it's a Mario game. It's without a doubt the weirdest Mario to date. I mean, nothing else even comes close, really, it's crazy!
They really must– heh, they must have been on drugs when they made this game! They were on the– the 1– the 1-Up Mushrooms, if you know– W–
The 1-Ups are hearts now, what the fuck? Since when do hearts mean life?! I see a heart, I think "okay, so that's ammo, like in Castlevania"!
At this point, you're probably wondering if this game was just a reskin of another Japanese game like Mario 2 was, because it's way too wacky, right? Well, you'd be correct, as this game in Japan was originally called Super Mario 3D Land, but they removed the 3D from the Western release.
Luckily the whole game is only 40 minutes long, so if it's too much for you you can still refund it.
Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins
But if you thought Mario Land 1 was weird, wait until you see the sequel!
So, uh, Mario Land 1 was set in Sarasaland, but Mario Land 2 is set in a place actually called Mario Land, meaning a Mario Land exists, but the first game just wasn't set there despite being called Super Mario Land, so immediately I like this game better because it doesn't fucking lie to me.
When you go into his balls it's a balls level! What the fuck?
What else is there in Mario Land? There's:
What the hell, Mario? You have your own kingdom and this is what you do with it? If I had my own Pockett Land I would have like, an underwater aquarium, an Aztec hotel, a place where you can meet the beloved children's book character the Gruffalo; luckily I wouldn't need to have any of this, because Chessington World of Adventures already has it all and I can visit whenever I like for a whole year for just £65!
Instead you choose to have a castle that gets taken over by Wario, who, by the way, is way bigger than he normally is. I said it before with the enemies from Mario Land 1, but you at least have to keep your recurring characters consistently sized, like, come on, that's just lazy!
Spiky Ants gave birth to the wretched Wario I despise so much
Who even worked on this one? The Hiroji Kiyotake, uh, oh yeah, the Spiky Ants, that explains it. These guys worked on the uh, WarioWare games if I remember correctly, and also the third Mario Land game, Wario Land, where the goal is to collect as many coins as possible!? Come on, I had nothing as a kid! I should have stolen this one too!
Conclusion
It's a good thing that since then Miyamoto has published his Mario bible on Wii U, so people can make their own good and normal Mario games, and we can just pretend this series was nothing more than a fever dream.
Also, Luigi isn't in any of them!? What the fuck? That's it, I'm closing down Chessington until March.[4]
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Most Horrifying Sound Yet Discovered 
